My friend and I sat watching our toddlers play at our weekly Montessori parent-child class. I breathed a sigh of relief that my two-year-old was being cooperative, patient, and independent.
“She’s been having a rough week,” I confessed. “So many power struggles- she’s been so stubborn about having things a certain way, and she’s also being super clingy. I can tell we’ve entered “disequilibrium.”
I first read about disequilibrium in one of my favorite books, When Did I Get Like This? by Amy Wilson. Disequilibrium is a concept that has been researched by the Gesell Institute of Child Development; in a nutshell, the development of young children is not always linear. There is often a pattern that occurs every six months- children may be calm while integrating skills that are being mastered, and then their behavior becomes unsettled as they begin to tackle new developmental milestones. It’s a bit like a riding a rollercoaster. If you notice an abrupt change in your formerly peaceful child, they could be taking a turn into disequilibrium.
I often have moments when it is clear to me that my toddler is in equilibrium- our interactions are mainly harmonious, she seems delighted to have mastered some new skills, she is both affectionate and independent. It’s lovely. It’s easy. And I know things will change soon enough.
My friend replied, “That’s funny- mine has been like that too recently. All of a sudden he became really clingy and whiney.”
I laughed. “Disequilibrium must be contagious- they’ve cycled up, like women getting their periods at the same time! Maybe they need to go to the Toddler Red Tent!”
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant is one of my favorite books ever. When I first heard that women in “Biblical Times” (more specifically- the era of Jacob and his 12 sons) used to all be sent to the Red Tent during their periods (they were all on the same cycle, living together so closely), I was shocked- how awful to banish women for bleeding! When I read the book, I realized– the women enjoyed their monthly Red Tent days. They were grateful for the female camaraderie and a break from the men and the regular rhythms of the village. They appreciated the sacred Red Tent.
So maybe children who are experiencing disequilibrium need to go to the Red Tent until they get their collective shit together. They can appreciate one another’s willfulness, pickiness, emotionality, and mood swings. Together, they can rage, whine, cry, and pout about how there were four strawberries on their plate and five raspberries, instead of the other way around. They can appreciate one another’s erratic and perplexing trains of thought.
Not sure if your child should be spending some time in the Toddler Red Tent? Here are some guidelines.
The most important thing to remember when it’s time for your child to visit the Toddler Red Tent is- don’t panic. She’ll come back to you eventually, and once again transform into the sweet, content, cooperative child you remember. In the meantime, she’ll have a blast raising hell with her fellow disequilibrium-suffering cohorts. Maybe they’ll even eat chocolate together and cry during commercials.
This is very interesting. I totally buy this idea. All of a sudden, a different child? And I know development is NOT linear. Any mother knows that, huh?
My sweet girl is terribly anxious. Terribly Anxious. And this has been seriously difficult since changing classes in January. I think it’s mainly the changing classes. I know (because she’s like me) we’ll always face this spike in anxiety at transition time, but it’s so hard. It’s interesting to think about the role “disequilibrium” might be playing as well.
I have a very anxious child as well- my seven year old. Those transitions can make things so difficult, and then compounding it with disequilibrium makes it even harder on sensitive kids. (And adults!) I have to say, I found this concept to be strangely comforting!
Comforting to me, too. Because maybe it’s not me, but just natural development. I think we mothers have a tendency to blame ourselves when one of our children is struggling.
Would love to hear more about how you deal with the anxiety. Any book recs?
I called you out in my last post. I hope I did so accurately! Me time: a right or not? I think you vote yes.
I love that book! And I really wish red tents were still the norm. Misery loves company and all that. My kids all seem to go into disequilibrium together… it sucks balls.
Totally sharing!
Oh, I totally wish the Red Tent still existed. Wouldn’t that be great? Sigh. And yeah- my kids cycle up, too, and yes, it most definitely sucks balls.
LOVED that book. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could send them somewhere like that? But, can it be a tent that is sound proof? I do NOT want to know what is going on in there either.
Yes, soundproof tent is a MUST. 🙂 Now I feel like re-reading the book!
I loved The Red Tent – what an intense book. And, can I send my 6 yr. old to the tent even though she is not really a toddler?? She has been in definite disequilibrium for the past week. In fact, I think my whole family was in disequilibrium the weekend! Love the roller coaster analogy – similar to Sarah’s surfing analogy today – and both so very true!
Send her over- disequilibrium is an equal-opportunity offender! And isn’t it a great book? Oh, now I need to go read Sarah’s post!
Oh my gosh, THAT PHOTO! And this whole post is just hilarious. That list? Lol. I haven’t read The Red Tent yet (still in my queue), but that comparison seems spot on (pun unintentional).
Ha! Pun accepted. 🙂 You should read The Red Tent- it’s one of my favorites! Glad you liked the photo. 😀
Can my teenager spend the next year or so in the red tent? Please. She can babysit the toddlers that are in there.
That made me laugh out loud. I am confident that the Toddler Red Tent needs its own babysitter, so send her over!
I loved that book and I think you are onto a fantastic idea. And there needs to be various tents for various ages because that same disequilibrium goes on with older kids….my 6 year old daughter fluctuates every couple of months between super sweet and crazy defiant. Love your parallels. haha!
Totally! It continues for years, doesn’t it? They ALL get their very own Red Tents! 😉
I loved the Red Tent! I mourned that book for years after.
Love the idea of a Toddler Red Tent, Can there be an elementary age one too?
I maintain that the Disequilibrium Tent is open to all ages- no discrimination here, baby!
OK, how have I raised two toddlers now and NEVER heard of disequilibrium???? Explains so much!! And yes, I would love to be banished to my room once a month and forbidden from cooking or tainting the rest of the house… oh, to dream…. 🙂
Yes, disequilibrium is a very comforting concept, I think. Your little guy could still be in its throes!
I am CRYING with laughter. Please tell me this also applies to the kindergarten set, because my 6 year-old STILL does this kind of stuff!! So funny!-Ashley
Oh yay! I love it when I make you girls laugh/cry. Reciprocity! 😉
The Red Tent is one of my favorite books, too. The imagery in it has stuck with me for years. The Toddler Red Tent is a PERFECT idea, Steph! I love love love it, almost as much as Sophie’s face in that photo on the swing! Ok as much. It’s pretty close. HAHA to no outerwear and only eating beige. You nailed this. Pinning!
Know what? That’s an old photo of Izzy! Don’t they look the same? 😀 I really love that book. And thanks for your nice words- I worried that this post was a little too wacko.
This is hilarious. Personally, I think that I need a break in the Red Tent or anywhere that I can hide from my life. I love your photo! It’s so cute.
That was hilarious! I read The Red Tent, so I get it! (High five to a fellow Montessori mom!)
Thanks Lisa! Glad you can relate! (Or am I?…) And hooray for Montessori!
Hie thee to the Red Tent! Absolutely. No. 4 was my favorite!
I’m a little late to this post, but I had to comment because this “disequilibrium” thing clears up a lot of mysterious (exhausting) behavior in my house. Thanks you!
I also love the book the Red Tent. I could use a “Red on the Horizon” tent for the couple days before my period. God knows it would be good for everyone in my family. And the idea of one for toddlers is genius (as is the idea above of having it chaperoned by moody teenagers.)