Once, in public, I saw somebody yelling at their child for misbehaving, and then making what was obviously an empty threat, should their writhing offspring fail to pull herself together. I exchanged glances with my husband, remarking under my breath that those parents would undoubtedly benefit from taking a Love and Logic course.
The next day, my daughter realized she had forgotten her lunchbox when we were halfway to the bus stop. Returning home to retrieve it would likely cause us to miss the bus, but she made a mad dash anyway. We missed the bus. I stood in the middle of the street, yelling with frustration, suppressing my “F’s” and “GD’s” with furious “JC’s,” and telling her that since I would now be late for work, she would forfeit a week’s worth of television shows.
Pot, meet kettle. It was not my proudest moment as a parent. In fact, I am nearly in tears as I recall my sensitive daughter’s response to my anger.
One morning as I drove to work through a construction zone, I cursed angrily under my breath as an oblivious driver attempted to merge into my lane at the last second. How rude.
Later that same day I approached the construction area again, this time as the oblivious driver who waited too long to merge. When the car next to me sped up and refused to let me in, I once again cursed angrily under my breath at his rudeness. Then I remembered that earlier in the day, I was the jerk who wouldn’t allow the late-merger to enter my lane. Hmmm.
I am the best driver. Ever.
As I was making my bed last week, I grumbled about my husband’s discarded jeans and shorts lying in a heap by the side of his bed. I mean, seriously, how hard it is to pick up your clothes and throw them in the laundry basket?
Then I noticed the pile of workout clothes and pajama pants sitting approximately one foot away from the laundry basket in my own closet.
Noticing a pattern here? Hi, I’m Stephanie, and I’m an actively practicing Hypocrite. Why is it so hard to refrain from judging others? Our spouses, complete strangers, and most typically, fellow parents are potential candidates for closed-mindedness, judgment, and lack of compassion. I think we all do it, and it seems like the circumstances are highly variable. On the one hand, it is easy to judge another parent for making a choice that is different from our own. (Mommy Wars, anyone?) But sometimes we pass judgment on those who may not be very different from us at all. As I gazed critically at the Angry Mom at Target who was berating her child, I recognized a quality about myself that causes me great shame- my temper and tendency to overreact.
The bad-traffic-manners incidents really gave me pause; clearly, there was no particular type of merging protocol that I found offensive- I was irritated when I was the merger, and I was irritated when I was the mergee. (Yes, that is now an official word to be added to the Driver’s Education Manual.) No matter which side I was on, I was advocating for my own well being. It was simply the other driver’s “other-ness” with which I found fault.
I notice this annoyance with “other-ness” frequently in my own home, most regularly when I evaluate the double standards I have with my husband. I can find it despicable that he leaves his hat and keys in the middle of my freshly tidied kitchen table, but I have no problem whatsoever with leaving my shoes/sweater/yoga pants in the middle of a walkway. It’s as though we all (ok, at least I do) go through our days unconsciously trying to protect ourselves from any enemy attacks- be they on our sense of morals, traffic efficiency, tolerance for clutter, or any other host of offenses.
Clearly, this meltdown was directly caused by Bad Parenting.
Last year, during the height of the tired old “Mommy Wars,” I wrote a post called Mothers in Glass Houses. While I was greatly irritated by the continuing onslaught of media attention given to working moms vs SAHMs, breast vs bottle moms, and the never-ending discussion on the “barbaric” practice of sleep training, I also admitted something that made me uncomfortable. While I prided myself on not looking down on people for having different opinions than I did on childcare, feeding, sleeptraining, or educational choices, I was still prone to criticizing other moms for less crucial parenting decisions.
In Mothers Who Live in Glass Houses, I made a snide remark about the dad who was texting at the play area, knowing all the while that I was just as likely to eagerly open up Facebook on my iPhone as soon as my kids were playing. I rudely labeled the “Moms Who Were Trying Too Hard To Be Stylish,” when I too had spent an embarrassing amount of time getting ready for a night out with friends. Where was this hostility coming from? Surely these parents posed no threat to me, aside from their “other-ness?”
It seems that this sense of judgment is unconscious most of the time, so I am making an effort to bring it to the forefront of my consciousness. The next time I grumble about someone cutting me off in traffic, or leaving a pile of dishes in the sink, or losing their temper in public, I will try to remember to put myself in their shoes. Have I ever been guilty of the exact same offense? Chances are, the answer is yes. And difficult as it may be, I am going to try my best to quit flicking pebbles at this great glass infrastructure in which we all live.
Oh, and in completely unrelated news, aka “My Real Life,” I released my first children’s CD this week: Songs That Won’t Annoy Your Parents (Too Much). If you have ever attended my early childhood music classes (I’m a music therapist) you may be interested in checking it out! Or, if you are just dying to hear me sing old classics like Baby Beluga and Puff the Magic Dragon (I know- it’s awfully tempting) you can find out more information or even buy a CD on my website here.
And look at this awesome cover! My fabulous friend and FTSF co-host, Kristi of Finding Ninee, designed it for me! You should head over there and tell her what a great job she did… Thanks Kristi!
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.
This week’s sentence was: “Once, in public, I saw someone…”
Next week’s sentence is: “The best part of my day is….”
Your hosts:
Me
Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kristi at Finding Ninee
Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?
Link up with us below, and share your favorite posts with #FTSF!
Stephanie, I too have been a hypocrite. I totally remember back in the day when I would see kids having meltdowns in public and parents getting frazzled and thinking not me ever! Yeah, right I now know better there and the cursing in the car at traffic, I do it all the time and in fact did it just yesterday when I thought I was going to be late picking up Emma from pre-school. So, yes can so relate and then some!
It’s so easy to fall into that trap, isn’t it? Thanks for the solidarity!
I almost made my whole post about how wrong I felt a parent was (before I was a parent) for spanking a kid at Target. I do not believe in spanking but I get it. When it comes to yelling, feeling like we’re less than, etc. yes. easy to judge those who are doing it wrong. Harder to justify why we’re right. Love your writing and perspective SO MUCH. And also thanks for the shout-out. We got ourCD today. Cannot WAIT to hear it 🙂
Spanking still gets me, to be honest. But I digress… and I really hope you like the CD! 🙂
Hypocrisy is one thing, but those damn drivers that never get in line early and always wait until the very end at construction zones drive me crazy! I finally saw a couple of 18 wheelers driving in the center of the road the other day to block those rude asses … not that you were there … or, were you? 🙂 True, we’re all hypocrites at times, but seriously, some people are just constantly rude. It’s in their nature. Dogs and cats even hate them. lol But, then again, no one’s perfect! Good post!
Haha! It seems I get irritated with other drivers no matter what!
But sometimes? It really is OK. I just went clothing shopping today and bought leggings for the first time. I look like an upside down triangle but I still bought them to be stylish. Please judge me if you see me in them.
On further thought, it would be nice to let go of a lot of the judging, I do it too! It feels like life would be a lot more peaceful in our minds.
Lastly, when are the CDs going to be available for online purchase for people who do not see you every week? I think my daughter would totally dig some not annoying songs.
They’re on the website, Jean! Just choose the shipping option instead of pick up in person, and I will happily mail it! I will even autograph it for you, like I did for Kristi, if you tell me your kiddo’s names! 🙂 You are sweet. xo
Duh, me. And I’m doing it now. 🙂
hypocrisy is something we all suffer from…equal opportunity affliction, LOLOLOL. I can’t tell you how many times I comment to myself about things I see then feel horrible when I do the same thing….
Yeah, I think it’s fairly universal. Some of us may be worse than others!
being *so* inclined to the, to use a more neutral word, double standards that you cite, I find I must agree that I will at times be the ‘don’t do what I do, do what I say’.
but, the saving grace to what you describe is simply that you are aware (of this possibility). Of course that will, a) take a lot of fun out of yelling at the other guy acting like a jerk and 2) make you feel that you lose some of the pleasure of acting as you feel rather than as you should.
…good one this Friday!
Very good points, Clark… 🙂
I challenge anyone who hasn’t at some time thrown the rock at the glass house. Great post!!!
Thanks Parental Unit!
The funniest ones are when you tell your kid not to do something and then they catch you do that very same thing. Last night I told Gray to stop talking with his mouth full….with my mouth full. We all laughed because it was so ridiculous.
Gah- that happens to me ALL the time! It is funny when you notice it as it’s happening, isn’t it?
Congrats on the CD. Hope it’s a huge hit!!
I’m pretty good about the traffic thing since I know how many times I’ve come up on a merge, etc. thinking it was going to be farther down the road. I usually have no problem letting someone in, but when I see them intentionally whizzing down the shoulder in order to bypass everyone else, that’s when I get ticked off and squeeze them out.
I usually don’t say anything when a parent goes ballistic on their kid (unless, of course, it’s physical), but I do remember stepping in once when a mother was going on and on and then I heard “You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry about!” It was her sadistic tone of voice that really got me. This was probably 20 years ago, and I still wonder about that kid from time to time. 🙁
Oh that breaks my heart, Chris! I would be the same as you- still thinking about it years later. 🙁
I think we all judge others from time to time and, therefore, we are all hypocrites occasionally. I think the important thing is to be aware of our judgements – which you obviously are. I wrote a post once admitting that my daughter said something that shocked me. When I reprimanded her, she replied, “but you and Daddy say it!” While I still don’t think we said it as bluntly as she did, it was obvious that we had let our judgmental tendencies affect her. Sometimes we do it so unconsciously and naturally that we don’t even realize what we are doing/saying. Then, it comes back to slap us in the face!
Oh, I know- it’s the worst when Mommy and Daddy are guilty of the same offenses! That happens to us all the time!
I think we all judge. It can’t be helped. The trick is to keep it to yourself!
Good call! Thanks Jenn!
I have known to be judgey a time or two… 🙁
I try to reserve judgement now, but sometimes it creeps up. It’s partly just the culture we’re in – overcoming culture is hard.
Hey, I like that- overcoming culture! Good call!
This was a fascinating (and funny!) post! I think a lot of us do this very thing. I know I’m guilty of it, especially when it comes to traffic and the other people in my house! Oh, and congrats on the CD! Very exciting! Kristi did a fabulous job on the cover. 🙂
Thank you so much, Beth, for all of that!
We’ve all been there. I notice it more and more now that I’m a mom. Remembering all the judgments I passed in prior years that I can’t take back. But you know it, and you’ll work on it. No one is perfectly zen all the time. Except the Buddha, I guess. Big hug.
Amazing on the CD! Don’t know how I didn’t know that. So sorry. Will buy IMMEDIATELY. 🙂
You are so sweet to buy one! I hope you don’t hate it!
I HATE when I get caught out doing the same thing I’ve had a go at Husby for doing. Hate it. Hate that I do it, hate that he catches me, and hate that I’m not able to learn to be sympathetic or compassionate or less of a bitch to him…
Oh I’m so glad I’m not the only one with that annoying habit! 🙂
Oh, GIRL!! I am an active, practicing hypocrite, too!! I am shame faced thinking of the times when I’ve done things *exactly* as you mentioned. Exactly. (But seriously…people driving faster than you are crazy and people driving slower are idiots…right? 😀 )
I have found this comes out more when I’m stressed, sleep-deprived, or unhappy. The happier and more well rested I am, the less likely I am to feel/behave this way. I’m going to try like crazy to do better. Honestly, it makes me more unhappy to be angry and judge-y like a vicious cycle. When I behave as my better self, I *feel* like my better self. If I need to perpetuate a cycle, it should be the good one. I’m going to pay more attention to this sort of thing! –Lisa
That is such a great,helpful observation! You are so right- thanks for adding that perspective!
Hey Steph! Loved this. I’m the same way- no matter what my agenda in traffic- I’m always right. If I’m walking- cars are rude. If I’m biking, everyone is rude. If I’m in the car- the guy next to me is an idiot. Pretty much it’s a Me against Them attitude. But I know I’m right- about everything.
Haha Cheryl! You are most definitely right on all counts! 🙂
It’s scary to think that this is something innate. We are all hypocrites at some point. How automatically we judge other people in our heads just because they are different. But sometimes it does make us think, how different are we really from the rest.
Great post 🙂
It is scary to think that it’s innate- but I think it’s something that almost everyone experiences… Thanks for commenting!
Oh Stephanie, even if our children our grown we’re just not perfect. But it really helps to make us all aware of how we can improve a little bit. I really do try to turn off the judgmental stuff if I’m aware of it. Just reading this gives me a little reminder. Thanks.
Love it! I glad I’m not the only one!
As always it was pure pleasure reading your post, because I always enjoy them on so many levels at once. I always identify with the content. You’ve described a pattern I’ve noticed in myself. You were brave enough to share it, I am not yet. This was a lesson in vulnerability. You are awesome.
So much wisdom in this post, Stephanie! I once read {I think in a Dear Abby column!} that most of what we criticize or dislike in others is something we dislike in ourselves as well, and I think that is so true. And we don’t like cognitive dissonance, so we rationalize our faults that we criticize when we see them in others. I have been guilty of this too. I remember watching Supernanny when I was pregnant, and was SO convinced that I would NEVER fall into these bad parenting habits on the show… and now I feel I could use some Supernanny help myself.
Oh, and your comment about traffic reminded me of a sermon from our UU church where the minister talked about compassion … in traffic. She allowed someone to merge in front of her, without the cursing or anger at the person, the person smiled back, and, she said, “we saved the world entire.” I love that line and think about it a lot!
Pebbles?
I’ve got boulders.
It’s funny that you wrote this because today, as I was trying to bake some apple bread, I dropped the butter and said “Damn it”. My 5 year old son shouted, “Mom, you do not say that in front of little kids. And you should not say that to big people”..sigh…
It is so easy to criticize while missing the mark on ourselves.
Been there, done that. A while back, I actually caught myself doing something I *know* I would be upset at my husband for doing, and began to realize that I do it quite frequently. It’s like everything feels different, worse, when someone *else* does it. When I do it, I’m in control, I’m making the choice and I always have a good reason for what I do, but of course no one else could have an equally good reason for doing the same things. Duh. Since then, I try to keep some perspective before I unleash a tongue-lashing on my supportive, hard-working and long-suffering husband for doing or failing to do (insert seemingly innocuous “offense” here).
It’s so natural to judge. I’ve been so guilty of it. Horrendously guilty. Until I was put in my place with a big ol’ sack of problems and now I think my judgment fingers were sufficiently amputated. Congrats on your CD!
This made me laugh out loud. I’m totally guilty of the same stuff, especially with my husband. I just don’t like to be inconvenienced. Crap, I’m a busy lady. Loved how you brought this to the light and in such a funny way.
Isn’t this just human nature? I mean, I am so guilty of this too. ESPECIALLY with my husband. But, sometimes, I argue with myself and justify it (even worse) by saying things like, “Well he’s not here to pick up his shoes and I am allowed to pick up my shoes when I want because I am the main shoe picker upper.” Sounds logical right? 🙂
Yeah, my pot is black too. Or kettle. Or whatever makes sense here. We are all human. Like you said, the best that we can hope for is that we are conscious ones. Clearly, you are doing a great job with that one!
1. I am SO guilty of all of these things. And it always embarrasses the crap out of me when I realize it.
2. You have CD?! OMG! My daughter LOVES music. I’m off to find out how to get a copy RIGHT NOW!
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Mama. I think we try our very best and any time we perceive those around us doing anything less, we tend to notice. Judge, notice, make a comment–we’re human! That said, I have road rage like a MOTHER and I would’ve been the same as you were in the construction 🙂
Yes, when we see others to do something bad then we use to say that how rude he is but when the same thing we do then we call it natural reaction. So this is the way we behave generally. I think we are forced by their habits. We cannot forget to behave like this in thse type of situations. It’s not very easy to handle home,children,job and husband’s family at one time. I get hyper in such situations at home and take tension in office also. Thanks for sharing this post with us……..