It was New Year’s Day, and I stumbled down the stairs at 9:45 am, a highly irregular time for me—a 36-year-old mother of two young girls—to wake up for the day. However, the previous night had been a little bit more festive than usual, and I was grateful for the extra sleep. As I sat down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and my iPhone, I noticed that my husband was busy unloading the dishwasher and re-organizing a cupboard. A wave of guilt washed over me. I’d slept later than he had by a good hour, yet I had no intention of getting up to help him.
And then I remembered that I’d spent a good three hours cleaning the house the day before. I wasn’t a slacker. I had done my share, pulled my weight, been the sole entertainment for my children during the dregs of holiday break. It was perfectly acceptable for me to remain seated with my coffee.
Here’s the thing: I think it’s pretty ridiculous that I have to mentally coach myself every time I feel these familiar surges of guilt. I’m no martyr, and more often than not I resist the urge to jump up and “be productive.” As a staunch advocate of me-time for moms, preserving the non-parental identity, and pursuing balance, I firmly believe that moms—myself included—are allowed time to themselves. So I stay seated. I don’t always help. I remind myself that I do plenty, that I am enough, that I deserve a break. But every single freaking time, I have to push back that rush of guilt and fight my way back to blessed inertia. Plainly stated, I feel the guilt … and do it anyway. It being, well, nothing.
When I try to get to the bottom of this hard-wired recurring guilt trip, I find it comes down to one bothersome word: should. I have to fight extremely hard to overcome the chatter in my mind that tells me—no matter what I’m doing—that I should be doing something else. Sitting down to watch TV with the kids? I should be putting laundry away. Washing the dishes? I should be spending time with my kids. Reading a novel? I should be working. Working? I should be cleaning. It’s maddening, exhausting, and sadly, I suspect not all that uncommon an experience for many other women.
Nearly a year ago, I started jotting down this nebulous list of “shoulds.” On any given day, here are some thoughts that might be swirling around my brain, my dry-erase board, and my to-do list:
- I need to make an orthodontist consultation for my oldest child.
- The kids need haircuts.
- I am behind on my continuing education credits.
- We should really consider eating more “whole foods” and fewer “processed foods.”
- It’s time to pay our car insurance bill.
- We need to sign up for swim lessons again.
- And maybe Spanish. Shouldn’t the kids be speaking Spanish?
- I need to have a talk with my third grader about internet predators and safety: someday.
- The kids aren’t supposed to watch too much TV.
- But how else am I supposed to get dinner ready? Or the house picked up?
- I need to put the laundry away.
- We should start shopping for a better trash removal company.
- Should we ditch the cable and just use Netflix? What about Hulu? What exactly is Apple TV, anyway?
- I haven’t volunteered in my daughter’s classroom all year.
- My two-year-old doesn’t know all her colors.
- It’s time to make pediatrician appointments.
- Where should we have the girls’ birthday parties this year?
- I won’t get paid until Friday and we’re almost out of money.
- We need to get a sitter for next weekend.
- I haven’t had dinner with my girlfriend in weeks.
- My toddler hasn’t had a playdate in months.
- Remember to start a food journal.
- Don’t forget to make time for lots of sex!
- I need a massage.
- Should we do summer camp this year?
- What if our house isn’t insulated well enough?
- It’s time to get an oil change.
- We need to start looking for a piano teacher.
- Should we be thinking about getting Master’s Degrees?
- I’m eating too much chocolate.
- Why am I so tired? Should I be taking supplements?
- We’re out of dishwasher detergent.
- We should take another look at our retirement portfolio.
- Should my toddler start dance class this year?
- I need to try a freaking Zumba class sometime.
- Because, ten extra pounds.
- It’s time for an under-eye cream: which one is the best?
- Maybe it’s time to make a therapy appointment.
I am finally reading Judith Warner’s incredible book, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. It was written in 2005, and I have only just gotten around to reading it in spring of 2014. (Ahem, yes, spring of 2014 was when I began writing this blog post. It is January freaking 2015 now. I rest my case.) When the book came out, I was only a mother in theory, but not yet in practice, as I was pregnant with my first child. I found out about the book after one of my favorite bloggers, Sarah of Left Brain Buddha, quoted it in one of her posts, and I’ve been intending to read it for nearly a year. (Gah! Another should: my never-ending list of books I want to read.)
Warner addresses a state of affairs she refers to as “this mess;” as I read the preface of the book, titled “This Mess,” I felt my heart pound and my eyes fill with tears of recognition at her description of this insane, overwhelming lifestyle so many of us have chosen. Warner writes,
“…it’s about a conviction I have that this feeling—this wide-spread choking cocktail of guilt and anxiety and resentment and regret—is poisoning motherhood for American women today.”
She continues, writing, “The feeling has many faces, but it doesn’t have a name. It’s not depression. It’s not oppression. It’s a mix of things, a kind of too-muchness. An existential discomfort.” When I read those words, I thought, Yes. That is exactly what it is.
Sure, it’s textbook “First World Problems” (OMG! Which chiropractor should I go to? Where do I get one of those new lunchboxes that everyone at my kid’s school has? Should we try to pay off our minivan sooner?), but it’s the world we live in, and the anxiety is very real. For me, guilt and anxiety have always gone hand in hand. Have we made any progress simplifying “this mess” since the book’s publication? Or is it possible that the high-pressure, anxiety-provoking, mentally cluttered world of motherhood has descended to even deeper levels since then?
I suspect that thanks to my temperament as a Highly Sensitive Person and a borderline introvert (I’m technically an ENFJ, but the combination of intuitive-feeling can be very draining, and I suspect that motherhood has brought out my inner introvert), I will always struggle with feeling overwhelmed by the world. Overwhelmed by a world that is steadily becoming noisier, busier, more crowded, more competitive, and more cluttered. I will likely always fight an unrealistically long to-do list and a voice in my head that whispers frantically that I should be doing more. That I should simply be more. I don’t know how to make it stop; I never have.
Here I am at Listen To Your Mother 2013, reading “The Guilt, the Crippling Mommy Guilt!”
Photo credit: Fred Holden
Will I mellow with age? Maybe. Could regular meditation help quiet the pressure and mental clutter I experience? Perhaps, especially if I promoted it from the bottom of my priority list. Until I discover a way to tame the two-headed monster of guilt and anxiety, the best I can do is to keep my eyes open and be aware of it. When I hear the whispers, “You’re not doing enough. You should be better,” I will whisper back, “I hear you. And I’m doing just fine.”
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I related to this right down to the need to get up and help when hubs is cleaning. We really do need to learn to let it go.
So glad it resonated for you, Liv. And yes, we DO need to learn to let it go!
This really resonated with me as well. I am nothing if not anxious all the time. I cannot sit still. It’s a problem. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, and there are resources out there to help. Thank you for this post.
You are definitely not alone. Thanks for reading and commenting. I wish it was easier to let go of the anxiety and “shoulds,” but it takes a lot of mental reminders!
Beautiful post. I’m an extrovert and feel much the same as you do. Also, the work of early motherhood is super hard. You are doing just fine!!
Thanks, Estelle! Even extraverts get overwhelmed and need some space! You are very right about the work of early motherhood…
Great post and I think ALL moms can relate. I certainly feel the guilt frequently. Over the break, I felt guilty that we weren’t doing all the fun things I saw other families doing on Facebook. I tried to implement a Family Fun day, but failed miserably because nobody in my family wanted to do anything but sit around and relax. Then, I felt guilty that we must always “do” too much. Round and round it goes.
Oh, Lisa, I can totally picture that Family Fun Day. I am cringing– it is definitely something that would happen to me! Thanks so much for the support and solidarity!
I love this so much and related to all of it. Here’s to guilt ebbing, rather than rushing.
Yes, here’s to ebbing! Thanks, Shannan, and thanks so much for sharing!
Oh my goodness yes to all of this! I constantly feel like I have some kind of Monkey on my back, whispering in my ear about all the things. It’s so mentally exhausting. I hope you take some time to unplug this year.
Love,
The Kettle
I get this. Every word.
I hate that freaking monkey. And back atcha, Sister. Let’s aim for some unplugging in 2015.
You shouldn’t should all over yourself, you know 😉
You know I love this. You know you’re doing just fine. And I’m so glad you liked the book — such good stuff.
LOVED the book. I am grateful to you for bringing it into my life!
More of the same. I’m an INFJ so that confirms it. I’ve never needed any edging towards introversion.
I think I have the flu, and I felt guilty that my husband was doing supper and bedtime with the kids so I went to help.
Isn’t that so ridiculous?? We know it’s stupid– we are well aware of how stupid it is as we’re typing the words and thinking the thoughts… and yet we can’t stop ourselves! You and I would get along great, INFJ. 🙂 🙂
Yes yes yes yes. Today was my 1/month early work day when husband takes our son to the bus and goes to work. I felt horrible this morning not doing the lunch and the bus but was grateful to be able to get to work. Except for that I wanted to sleep and realized I’m a lazy slacker who felt guilty about a 20-minute nap on the couch yesterday until I had to tell myself (and my husband) that it was b/c our son was sick and I’d been up with him for all but 5 hours the previous night… and then, husband was sick and said I could stay at work and of course I did and then cried on the way home because I knew they were watching tv and not playing or reading or drawing or well doing colors… <3 you so much
Ugh, that makes me so sad. Wish we were close so we could help each other out. xoxo
I could relate to every word of this. Thank you so much for reminding me (and others) that I am not the only one who feels this way, and thanks for putting it into perspective. I have trouble finding clarity when I am so overwhelmed, but yes, it really all does come down to guilt, doesn’t it? My “To Do” list is just never-ending, trying to do and be more, as you said. But I find that, while I tell myself that I need to keep striving to be the best version of myself, I think I am really trying to be the version of myself that other people want to see (or at least what I think they want me to be). That’s not doing myself any favors. We need to be so much kinder to ourselves, and cultivate a whole-lotta happiness to share with our families. Great article! Hoping I’ll have time one of these days to read that book. 😉
Thanks so much for that comment, Jessica, that means a lot to me! And you are most welcome. It feels good to know we’re not alone. I really hope you read the book– even bits and pieces when you can squeeze it in. In fact, I should re-read it! I am constantly needing reminders that my expectations are often ridiculous. Hugs!
Awesome post Stephanie. It’s so funny because I was just composing a post in my head on a similar topic….not quite guilt, per se, but the voice in my head that’s constantly telling me I’m not good enough…which then, of course, leads to guilt. Great post! The shoulds will drive us all to the looney bin if we’re not careful. And, I feel like some days I can TOTALLY let go of the shoulds, while other days, they drive me to do stuff I hate (but desperately NEED to do) like clean my microwave. Ha! But, most of the time, they do lead to guilt. Thanks for always making me think.
I think this topic strikes a chord with many moms… especially those of us recovering perfectionists. 🙂 I’m glad it made you think… I hope you DO write that post. I’d love to read it!
Oh, I’d love to say, “wow Stephanie, I really don’t relate to this at all…” but that would be a big fat lie, ha! Sadly I relate all too well, and I also have to give myself mini pep talks so as not to dissolve into an unnecessary guilt puddle, or worse, jump up and help my husband. I think it’s better to recognize this tendency and work to adjust it than mindlessly allow ourselves to be pummeled by guilt and misery. Life is hard enough without beating ourselves up, ya know? Oh, wait, you do know.
Yep. I do know. 🙂 And I wish you didn’t relate to it at all! Or do I? It’s always nice to know there are other (supercool) people in your boat.
I’m Catholic, so guilt is kind of my middle name! Seriously though, this is interesting, because I am reading a book right now, Hands Free Mama, which is kind the opposite of the book you mention above. I’m actually feeling more guilty with each page. I think mom guilt is what it is, and I’m learning to be ok with that. I’m happy I do feel guilty, cause I don’t’ think my mom eve did – lol!
I’ve read bits and pieces of Hand Free Mama, and I love the message… but it DID make me feel more guilty, too! Argh! We can’t win! I think you’re right- just recognizing it without giving it so much power is the key.
Yup, been there, right to the scene of feeling obligated to do something while my husband is doing chores. Like you, I have to tell myself that it’s totally okay to relax. I do the same when it’s me doing chores and my husband relaxing; I tell myself to not get worked up because we both do a lot of work and as such, can and should rest as well.
I hate having to do that self-talk… something interesting happened to me yesterday, though. I realized that my HUSBAND also experiences guilt about spending time and money on himself. Maybe this isn’t just something that happens to women?
I SHOULD be working, instead of reading your blog. The guilt does not let me enjoy all the things I SHOULD be enjoying, like 2 mins to read a blog I really like. I am sooooo tired of the “should, should, should…”
Thanks for a great piece. I definitely identify.
Should is an honorary 4-letter word. As always, I appreciate your words on the subject.
I love that– it is *totally* a 4-letter word. 🙂
Oh my gosh I relate so much to that inner conversation you speak of in the end. Emotionally I might berate myself while my intellectual, practical side will simultaneously know that everything is just fine.
This is sooo good, and I really want to read that book. “Much-ness” is everywhere… not just motherhood. BUT add kids to care for to an already raging river of social pressures of this and that and all the shoulds and musts… it’s earned insanity crippled with guilt!
This is a post that would resonate with so many of your readers, Stephanie. I know it did with me! I think as mums we needs to reminder ourselves daily just how darn hard being a parent is, even at the best of times, and to take the time to pat ourselves on the back for the things we are getting done rather than feeling bad about the things that aren’t done. Those lists of things that we haven’t done yet can feel so overwhelming, but they are always going to be there. Sometimes, I remind myself that if I had nothing at all on those seemingly endless ‘to do’ lists then life would actually be quite dull 🙂
I think that you need to relax sometimes! I understand what you mean because I also feel guilty to relax if I know that there are many things to be done around the house (there always is)… The thing is that we need to have relaxed times and to leave somebody else to do the work from time to time.. it is also important to sit and watch some TV with the kids… 🙂 Thanks for sharing! I find the article really interesting!