When I was in church as a kid, I learned how to laugh uncontrollably while miraculously avoiding detection and making absolutely no sound. I also learned how to discreetly pass notes and share private jokes while others around me were blissfully getting their worship on unawares.
This was because of my brother and our efficient, highly-refined communication and church-laughing protocol. Being a 10 year old in church is not always particularly inspiring, and it can be quite tedious. While it was crucial not to fall out of favor with our parents and publicly humiliate them, we still needed to find an outlet for our pent-up mirth and irreverence.
Nobody else needed to know that we found our pastor’s nasal pronunciation of the oft-uttered word, “Loo-rrrrr-d,” to be hilarious. Every once in awhile, our mother would shoot us a “Shape-up-or-ship-out” glare, but I’m sure there was a part of her that was grateful we were at least enjoying one another’s company.
Our childish bickering was probably the bane of her existence back then, though with the aid of her grandparental rose-tinted lenses, she has mostly fond recollections of her 1980s parenting experience. But I remember. There was nothing she loathed more than the sound of our arguing. I remember her requests for us to, “not fight all day,” on special occasions; it even prompted me to write this post last week:
When my brother and I were not arguing, or more accurately, when our fighting had led to our separate bedroom banishment, after having been booted for failing to adhere to the “mealtime should be pleasant” guidelines, we formed an alliance against our parents. Years later, I often wonder if this was really an attempt at reverse psychology, a bit of sneaky parenting on the part of our mother, or if it really was an unforeseen side effect of our punishment.
Our bedrooms were next door to one another, and after having been forcibly sent there by our parents, we would lie flat on our stomachs and talk to each other through the vents. We thought we were supremely clever, united in our distaste for our parents and their bothersome rules. Truth be told, while we did argue, we also played together much of the time. Though we didn’t become truly close until we were teenagers, most of my favorite childhood memories involve my brother.
This was a worry of mine, having children that were 5 years apart in age. My brother and I were less than three years apart, a spacing more conducive to playing together. I was secretly hoping our second child would be a girl, thinking that perhaps having two children of the same gender would increase the likelihood of their closeness given the age difference. Would they play together? Would the fact that their interests and abilities were so different make their closeness an impossibility?
When my second child was just weeks old, her big sister began to “play at her,” as playing with a child who has little head control is a daunting task. She would drag her bouncy seat around and narrate adventures, having secured the most cooperative playmate imaginable. When Sophie grew older, became mobile, and developed an irritating tendency to ruin Izzy’s big ideas, playing together became a tad more frustrating.
We found that there were certain toys or activities that our girls, a toddler and a first grader, both inexplicably enjoyed. The sandbox, the water table, the playground, and most significantly, the play kitchen. We had taken the giant plastic kitchen structure out of the rotation when Izzy outgrew it after preschool. On Sophie’s first birthday, we pulled it back out, certain that she would delight in opening the little cupboards and manipulating the play food for hours on end. We were right.
What we didn’t expect was that Izzy would enjoy it just as much as her one year old sister. She managed to orchestrate an elaborate game of restaurant one night, albeit filled with much annoyance at her bumbling little sister’s independence.
“Jane,” she bellowed, calling her sister by her middle name for the sake of theatrical authenticity. “These people want a cheeseburger!” Sophie toddled around, running in the opposite direction. “Jane,” Izzy tried again, becoming increasingly frustrated, as though supervising an employee who was exceedingly stupid or possibly drunk. “You’re fired, Jane!” she exploded, having hit her limit.
“Jane” is a sh*tty waitress.
It seems most of our daughters’ play time is evenly balanced between harmony and struggle. I suppose this is just as typical with kids who are closer in age. As for the Partners in Crime phenomenon, I have even observed this dynamic in our children; Izzy is quite fond of goading her sister into engaging in inappropriate behaviors, or coaxing her to repeat “suggestive” words like vagina. “Hina, hina!” Sophie will crow and Izzy will laugh with the glee that only a mastermind can appreciate.
Though I feel annoyed when our oldest child attempts to collude with her younger sister in a deliberate snub to the parental unit, part of me is relieved and even proud. Isn’t it the job of the sibling duo to flip the proverbial bird to mom and dad? Shouldn’t they band together in their rebellion?
I try to imagine what it will be like when we have an angsty 13 year old who is irked by her eager 8 year old sister, or a college freshmen who leaves her junior high school sibling behind. (Sniff, sniff.) It is a great hope of mind that they continue to find ways to unite, even if it is in a childish act of defiance. I can only hope that through the years they find a way to transcend their developmental differences and find closeness, as I did with my brother.
Me and Uncle Brian, circa 1983
Sidenote: I totally wrote this post from jury duty, waiting for my number to be called.Â
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I loved that side-note and will tell you I wrote mine at the chiropractor while I was sitting in the waiting room. Got to love the peace and quiet there, as well as being able to multi-task a bit, too!!
But seriously my brother and I were six years apart and still managed to drive my mother quite crazy. I think you can rest assured that if they really want to, they will find a way!!
Ha! We take what we can get when it comes to writing time, huh?
Isn’t it great what we learn in church?!?
I loved your answers!
I know that I’m turning into my mother feeling!
Scary, huh? My mom is a pretty great person to turn into, I must say!
Love how you started on the church topic and then totally took off in another direction 🙂 I worried about my kids being close because even though they are only 3 years apart they are different genders. But they are close, and they are partners in crime of sorts. The other day my daughter informed me that there were things they told each other that they don’t tell their father or me – and these are (little) things that would get them in trouble. I didn’t let on, but I was glad to hear about this camaraderie – that’s one of the great things about having a sibling. My guess is your girls will just get closer as they get older, and the age difference won’t matter as much.
Thanks for that, Dana, I appreciate hearing it. I think siblings can turn out close despite age, gender, and even personality differences. I think we as parents need to just step back and let it happen! And yes, I did my usual sharp veer to the left away from the topic!
There are times, after reading posts like this, that I feel somewhat left out by only having a step brother and sister for a few years. To have been able to develop the closeness, the sharing, the unity of being able to stand up for one another. The love that could have been everlasting. Naaaaaawwwwww!!! Not really! I loved being a spoiled only child! lol Really a good post!
Ha! There are perks to either, I bet…
I had 3 kids a d three years, with them being 13 months apart, they were all close at a younger age and now argue and fight more than ever explainable. However my surprise baby is 10 years younger than my oldest child (my youngest was 8 when surprise baby came) and all of my older kids are super super close to baby brother, even more so then they are with each other
It’s so interesting to see how it turns out, isn’t it? I think there are so many factors that contribute to whether siblings are close.
Ahhh but it sounds as though they’ll grow up to be really close. My sister and I are now, but childhood was spent with a lot of infighting in every direction, and we truly hated each other for a long time, through misunderstanding, unfortunate circumstances and fear of building bridges or appearing vulnerable.
Keep nurturing their gorgeous relationship, even if “Jane” struggles sometimes.
Thanks for that-I think siblings often find a way through their childhood drama.
I can so relate to this post babe. My sister is six years younger than me and I was awful to her, tormented her so bad….probably why she is so crabby all the the time now, lol….
Ha! I’m sure you were the perfect sister…And thanks!
I love this. I, too, am totally pleased when my kids unify against their parental units. I can’t even be upset. I have never asked for “no fighting” for my birthday, but that is genius. I can turn into your mother now too, because I’m asking for that next year!! –Lisa
Happy to help! And it’s nice to know that I’m not crazy for being secretly pleased when they band against us!
I realize that I might come across slightly hyperbolic, but it’s a hard task to find new words to define how wonderful you are week after week! I hope you trust my sincerity, this is one of my favourite posts by you. The way you resurrect your childhood memories (the stifled laugh – oh so familiar to me) and the way you describe Izzy’s and “Jane’s” dynamic is just so charming. I am so glad I read it this morning,
Your #1 fan 🙂
You know what’s funny? I was just thinking the same thing when I left you a comment! Thanks, my dear friend!
YOUR #1 fan 😀
“You’re Fired!” That is hilarious! My kids are 26 months apart, 1 and 3 right now. They’re just getting to the point of arguing over things and fighting over toys. My first glimpse into the sibling arguing was one day when I heard “he’s sitting in my space!!” from the playroom. Oh. My. Gosh. Here we go. Last week at my in-laws’ house, the kids were arguing over a balloon and I said, “I guess that’s how it’s going to be for a few years.” My MIL said, “Nope, that’s how it’s going to be for the rest of your life.” Ughh. While I assume that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I do realize that this is going to occur for years and years. We are lucky though because they have days when they’re best friends and play really well together. This is a fun post! Have a great weekend!
Love this, Stephanie! My sister and I are three years apart, and we were great buds until adolescence…. {cue post about my surly years….} and now are great friends again.
And I LOVE seeing the bond between my kids develop – they are just under 3 years apart, and at 6 and 4, are at perfect ages for sibling play. They even have “Abby and Liam Days” when they schedule their whole day together to include coloring, outdoor time, and, my favorite, cuddle time.
And I think you’re right, the us-against-the-parents can be a helpful bond for siblings…. And how great that your girls are finding their way to each other. And I think the bickering happens all the time – I read a study once that said sibling pairs (under ten) fight 3 times an hour. This is a case where I will clearly state my children are above average!!
Great post, lady!
Haha! I love how you tied in the “above average” reference- well played, my friend, well played… And yes, I think it is sadly normal. But still annoying. 🙂
So church taught you and your brother to be partners in crime? Ha! I miss the days of the vents. How will our girls communicate at 2am without us knowing?
I completely get your fear of the girls not being close emotionally due to the years between their ages. I have 5 years between mine and what has surprised me is how much Allie enjoys and puts up with Boo. Like you said the teenage years probably won’t be kind to us 🙂
I too have been surprised how tolerant and inventive Izzy has been when including Sophie. But yes… what lies ahead is probably much worse. 🙂
I loved this! I cracked UP at Jane getting fired. SO funny! My sister and I are seven years apart and we were very close in spite of the age difference and our constant fighting and my attempts to control her and even occasionally bully her, as you’ve read before. I often had no one else to play with, so I played with my sister. She only really got on my nerves when I was a teenager and had friends over OR when I was doing something on my own and she would come in and mess with me then I would sit on her head or pin her down and wave my long hair in her face. Then she would chase me down with household objects like mops. We loved each other.
I’m so glad somebody liked that part! I thought it was hilarious when it was happening… And I love hearing about your relationship with your sister. Your HerStories post was one of my absolutely favorites.
Ok – because I want to get the most important part out first – I LOVE the photo of Izzy and “Jane is a sh*tty waitress.” LOVE. Also the one of you and your brother. Second, holy crap to writing it at jury duty! Good job (and I hope you didn’t get called). Do many of your memories of your brother are so much like mine. I almost went with a story about how there were a few times that we snuck out of church and took our 50cent offering contribution, walked over to Walgreens and bought candy. Nothing like the taste of shame. That’s what I planned to write but then I went and got all preachy. Not sure who I was channeling.
You’re awesome. Have I ever told you that? No? ACH the horror.
SO not do. I really need to start proofing my responses.
Yeah, I do too, but I’m always in a hurry when I’m typing them! Oh well. And I’m SO glad you liked that photo- I giggled when I put it in. And also- I think that story about you and your brother would have been awesome. Classic. And yes, nothing like the taste of shame! My six year old just got busted with her friend when they went into her friend’s mom’s room and stole chocolate. Taste of shame indeed… Can’t wait to read your post!
My oldest and my youngest are almost exactly 5 years apart. I also have one in the middle who is, well, in the middle. They are all girls. It is so interesting to watch the dynamics between. The two oldest bicker constantly. The youngest seems to view the oldest as more of a caretaker and the middle as more of a playmate. Growing up, I only had one brother 2 years older than me, so watching these sisterly relationship develop and grow is very interesting!
That is interesting Lisa! I often wonder how having a third child would change the dynamic! Thanks for sharing that with me… 🙂
Hahaha…this is the best. Of course it puts me in mind of my own siblings, one two years younger and one eleven and a half years younger. The “waitress” thing is priceless!
You’re such a great story-teller. 🙂
Aw, thanks, Natalie! I really appreciate that!
Jane is a Sh*%ty waitress might be one my all-time favorite photo’s! Of ALL TIME> it speaks volumes- as does Izzy. I am an Izzy. We speak LOUDLY.
Oh, Cheryl, I love that! I’m so glad you like that photo, and Izzys are awesome people. Loud, awesome people… Thanks so much!
Oh, my gosh, all so accurate and totally entertaining. But you little shits………..collusion in church? God will strike you dead!
Ha! We were little shits, huh, Mom?
This is awesome, it sounds like my son and his cousin Josie, they are 3 years apart and things don’t go as he plans most of the time. But as they both get older they play together better for longer stretches of time. And I know they love each other fiercely. I love that she called her Jane and then fired her. That is so my son!
You do great things at Jury Duty, woman!!!! My brother and I are about 4 years apart and although we played, it was never the inseparable, I can’t live with you kind of relationship I had seen my friends have with their siblings. So that’s why my kids are 22 months apart. Also why I buy stock in Blue Moon.
P.S. “Jane is a sh*tty waitress” made me so happy!
My younger two are five years apart too, and seven years between the first and the third… I worried the last would be effectively an “only”–but so far, while in many ways he’s growing up “faster” than the younger two (all my rules about age-appropriate screen time and books for example, pretty much out the window), he also keeps the older two younger–like your play kitchen situation. A pre-teening 11 year old can play dinky cars and blow bubbles, even in front of his oh-so-cool friends, when he’s doing it for his little brother. 🙂
Oh, this made me think so much about me and my sister! We are three years apart. I see my kids who are a little over 2 years apart and I can already see the dynamics that we have developing between them. My son explodes and my daughter sneakily provokes him. Some dynamics seem set in stone no matter what the age difference.
I loved hearing about your relationship with your brother. You write about it with such vividness and fondness. My brother is seven years younger than me, and we don’t have tons of memories of really relating to each other as children. In fact, we only now seem to have things in common, now that he is pushing 40 and I’m, well, I won’t go into that bit!
My sister and I are 6 years apart. I think I got on her nerves when I was really young, but we were quite close once I became a teenager. I remember once when she came home from work when I was in grade 10 and my parents were out of town. She decided she wanted to go to the movies, but I told her I couldn’t go because I had homework. She then said, “ya, but I’m in charge” and wrote me a note to get me out of it. AWESOME!!! 🙂
That is interesting ! I often wonder how having a second child would change the dynamic! Thanks for sharing that with me.