It was a Friday night. Being the inspiring Parents of the Year that we are, we had resorted to bribery to ensure our daughter’s cooperation at her hip-hop dance class. (Don’t ask- another post for another day.) In a moment of desperation, I informed her that if she chose to continue complaining and whining, she would owe us a household job that evening, in order to replenish the energy she drained from us with her bad attitude. (Thank you, Love & Logic.) However, if she chose to have a positive attitude, we would go out to dinner after class- to Hops, one of her favorite restaurants. Sounds great, right?
Well, theΒ bribe strategic parenting tactic worked brilliantly, but we had forgotten about one small thing.
It completely sucks ass to eat at a restaurant withΒ our kidsΒ young children. Here’s why.Β
- I had to visit the restroom three times.Β Once, because I had to pee. Again because my six year old had to poop. Finally because I was certain that my toddler had pooped in her diaper. I was wrong. Total wasted trip. Seriously, we were there for 45 minutes. That’s one bathroom trip every 15 minutes. (I should have been a math major.)
- Even though we put back the sugar packets our toddler was playing with three separate times, we still left the restaurant with every single packet under the table.Β By the end of our dinner, we had embarrassed ourselves so fully that there was simplyΒ no timeΒ to waste picking up those fuckers. We left as though our village was on fire and there was not a second to spare. (I left an extra dollar because at the beginning of our meal, I assured the waiter we would put them back when she was done playing with them. I am both lazy and untruthful.)
- My mascara had run all over my cheeks by the time we left the establishment.Β This was of course due to the fact that I was laughing so hard I was crying when our shitshow dinner reached its peak. It was likely funny to meΒ because at that moment, our 15 month old was across the table from me sitting with my husband. Well, not exactly sitting, more like sprawling, flailing, grabbing, and toppling over. The 15 seconds of high chair was a distant memory, and she was standing up in the booth next to him, loudly demanding “Dih Dih Dih!” (interpretation: she wanted to dip her chicken strip in the ketchup.) We foolishly allowed this, and given that my husband was also trying to scarf down his dinner, his interventions were somewhat ineffective as she dunked her whole hand in the ketchup ,smeared it all over the back of the booth during an unwieldy effort to wave to the people behind us, while proudly brandishing her chicken strip. I was incoherent. But I probably wouldn’t have laughed if she had been next to me.
- When it was my turn to clumsily retrieve the toddler from under the table, my six year old began screaming and sobbing that she couldn’t move her leg. AsΒ I was bent over, trying to get ahold of Sophie, who had conveniently employed the classic “Limp Baby” maneuver, Izzy began to wail hysterically. I sat up in alarm, worried that I had inadvertently elbowed her in the face, and then she shrieked that she couldn’t feel her leg. After momentarily dismissing my first reaction that she had leukemia or the childhood equivalent of MS, I suggested that perhaps her foot had fallen Β asleep. “No! My thigh! My thigh hurts so much!” she bawled, her face contorted into a mask of anguish. (I am pretty sure her leg fell asleep, as the incident was over within a mere 90 seconds. Perhaps she’d never experienced that phenomenon, and I expect it would be strangely disconcerting to a six year old.) At any rate, the public humiliation ante had just been upped.
- I carried half of my sandwich and a handful of fries in a dirty napkin as I frantically exited the restaurant.Β Those who have been there know how fast you have to eat when you are dining with a toddler. At the risk of appearing rude, (but really, what is more rude than staying at a restaurant even five minutes longer than necessary with your kids?) we always hand over our credit card to the waiter or waitress as soon as we have placed our order. Toddlers are ticking time-bombs in public places, and you’ve got to be prepared to get the hell out of there with minimal transition time. There should be some sort of military-training boot camp for this skill: how to pack up the diaper bag, stuff your food into a box, (or napkin, if there is literally not a moment to spare) grab the coats, and round up the kids in fifteen seconds or less, due to the fact that your ketchup-smeared, Oreo-crusted, whining, snot-streaked, screaming offspring have overstayed their chain-restaurant welcome. Fuck the sugar packets.
Until next time, Bon Appetit!
I was just in there clicking away and there you were in the ‘pending approval’ section, so of course I gave you a click too! I will do it as often as I’m in there π Good luck lady!!!!
Stephanie – Sounds like a thrill a minute. lol Almost sounds like the family that rode in front of me the last time I flew. The flight attendant asked them numerous times to please sit their toddler down, but he kept finding his way to try to climb over the back of his seat, nearly ending up in my lap several times. Finally, as he was coming over one last time, I frowned at him, actually growled in a snarl like a werewolf, and hunched up like I was in an attack mode. His poor eyes opened wide and he quickly slid back to his seat and ended up in his mom’s arms. The two folks seated next to me looked at me with shock, and then broke out laughing. The guy on the outside reached over and high fived me. The rest of the trip was uneventful. Great post!
I quite understand what you mean. It’s just parental harassment and humiliation all the way!!
OMG I was laughing so hard about your no. 3! π I can vividly imagine the event!!
too funny! i remember when our kids were in the toddler stage, my husband and i would take turns eating. like, he would eat and i would feed the kids, then when he was finished, i got to eat while he took over kid duty. i never thought about giving my credit card when i placed the order, that could really save everyone a little time, and keep your waitress from bugging you about dessert!
Yes, taking turns is definitely the way to go! Or only go out to eat when my parents are in town- they have no problem with walking around outside with the kids while we eat!
I so feel your pain, lady!!!!! The bathroom breaks are the worst. My son is easy; stand, pee, done. But now my daughter who, mind you, is nowhere near being potty trained, insists she do what big brother does. So 1 trip really means 2 trips, the second of which is just for shits and giggles. Maybe one day I’ll again eat a hot meal.
Yeah, it really burns me when I am stuck eating cold food because I have been in the bathroom for so frickin long… It’s only going to get worse when the toddler becomes potty trained. UGH.
I have a bizarre confession to make. I love taking my kids out to eat. Now, they aren’t as big as yours and so not as mobile (they’re 2 and 10 mos) and I only go to places where I know there will be 1) another kid that’s louder than mine or 2) a loud atmosphere. Little Man is usually my responsibility and he’s happy as long as he’s constantly eating so I take a bite, give him a bite, and back and forth. Charlie is always with Tim and she can be a little loud, especially if she’s having fun, but she noms on her food and colors and charms the server. I think our favorite going out activity is sunday breakfast at a diner. I’m sure in a few years I’ll remember your post and think that I should have given the server our credit card right away like you did! That’s a genius idea.
The credit card idea is a great one, and I just read another comment that mentioned getting to-go boxes with your dinner, just in case. Now *that* is brilliant, and we will do it next time. Because there will be a next time…who am I kidding? I actually loved going out when the toddler was a baby, too, but she is just SO busy now…
Stephanie, you know how I feel about this and felt your pain as I was reading this. Seriously the bathroom alone has given me oodles of excuses why not to go out to dinner with them anymore. Being that they are both potty trained and girls, this lovely duty falls on me every time. And no matter how many times I make them use the bathroom before we leave home, we always end up in the bathroom at least three times per visit. So, yes I could truly relate to that and so much more here!!
This is precisely why our children did not know what a waitress was for years! We knew of every single buffet/cafe style restaurant on our side of town, and we only went to the best of those establishments. No need to wait for food or a check in case we needed a quick get-away. Plus, our kids eat a ton, so the cost was kept down.
The bathroom breaks during dinner are the worst! And the picture of your daughter crying about her leg is hilarious!
Yeeeikes! Well…my mom always told me she didn’t take me anywhere when I was little. We had lots of talks about how I was “not to embarrass her” lol. Fun post, though I’m sorry you had to endure all that. Whew!
Except, of course, a few weeks hence you will forget, and it will be dinner time, and you will think, “Oh, we haven’t been out for dinner for ages, let’s go!” and you’ll go–perhaps even to the same restaurant–and seven minutes after being seated at the (same) table your mascara will be running down your cheeks again… hopefully, as a result of laughter and not hysteric crying.
I think I have 25 reasons why I don’t go out for dinner with our children (i.e., the 3 y o) right now… and I still forget…
You are exactly right of course…that is precisely what will happen. I know damn well we will be back at Hops in no time, having conveniently told ourselves, “It wasn’t so bad last time.” We will forget over and over and over.
This is SO funny and SO true!! There were definitely ages that we just stopped going out for the reasons you mention. I’m thinking it was bout 15 months to 3 years. It was just impossible for me to have fun, so why bother. (but seriously, that face is so cute, I wouldn’t hesitate to dine with her!)
It’s only been within the last year or two (and my kids are 9 and almost 13) that we didn’t feel like we’ve had to leave an enormous tip just for the ruined way we leave the table and surrounding area.
I know; we may need to take a break for a year or two, except for the fact that my limited memory (kind of like the memory of childbirth) will convince me in a week or so that it “wasn’t so bad” and we should try again. Sucker!
Hahahahaha. I’m laughing at the picture you painted. Our daughter is only 22 months, so we have had minimal exposure to the whole eating out thing, but I can already see what a challenge it is. We have only ever done it for family events. It takes me a good 45 minutes to prepare for the outing as I have to bring all of her food since she’s a picky eater, and then I’m always stuck in the corner with my niece who wants to sit next to her cousin, which means I spend the ENTIRE meal trying to keep my child happy, while scarfing down my meal and feigning interest in how grade 4 is treating my niece. I’m always pissed after that I didn’t get to enjoy any adult interaction, and the last time my husband had to catch a plane immediately afterwards, which meant I couldn’t even have a glass of wine since I was driving.
Based on your post, once she no longer needs to be confined to a high chair, we will be off the market for dinners out until she’s 15. π
With my oldest child, there was a period of time when we just stopped going out. Sometimes after she turned 3, it was okay again, as long as we had packed plenty of diversions. Now of course, we are back to where we started. π Someday… And I totally get your point- I am always resentful when other adults get to savor their meals and I am the one on “kid duty.” I hope you went home and had a big glass of wine!
Also, THANK YOU for voting for me, and back atcha- I will get you every day, too! π
P.S. You are on my daily voting list for COMs!
Oh I remember those days of eating in a restaurant with 3 small boys…the scene we caused was always LOUD. I promise you it will get better and eventually you can have a civilized meal at a restaurant with your family.
I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel! And if nothing else, the two of us are going on a kid-free getaway for 3 days in a few weeks…dining out every day! Eating slowly…having dessert… heaven!
Ok. Hilarious!!! 1) Brilliant use of the word f*ckers for the sugar packets. I wasn’t expecting that and the way it dropped down to the next line made it all the more surprising and hilarious. 2) This: “After momentarily dismissing my first reaction that she had leukemia or the childhood equivalent of MS,” is exactly what I would have thought! So funny! Loved this and could totally, totally relate!
Oh, I’m so glad you appreciated my use of F-ers for the sugar packets! I had hoped it would prove to be a good choice; always risky, you know? π I am SUCH a hypochondriac about myself and my kids! You should have seen me the other day when Izzy had an ingrown toenail! In my mind we were already waiting in line at Urgent Care- ha!
Dining out with children maybe a nightmare, but it sure makes one hell of a blog post. Loved it.
Hee hee… glad something good came out of it! π
I’m right there with you yet again. We used to take Nate everywhere with us — hiking, dinners, we even used to be regulars at the cry-baby matinee. Those were the good old days, back when he wasn’t so mobile and was much less audible. These days I dread even stopping for fast food or setting foot in Target or the grocery store.
Last Saturday, we were on our way home from Keystone after an afternoon of snowshoeing. We all needed food and we debated going to a “sit down” restaurant — by which I mean Ruby Tuesdays, forget anything more highbrow than that — or just grabbing some fast food. Luckily we opted for fast food.
At Wendy’s, we started handing Nate bits of hamburger, small fries, bites of baked potato, 99% of which he threw on the floor, while we wolfed down our food.
Soon he was *done* and started fussing, so we took turns picking items off the table — the empty french fry carton, a straw, a plastic spoon — and attempting to engage him with said item. You can’t just hand my son the French fry container and hope he will play with it. You have to pretend it’s a hat or put it on top of his sippy cup or something. Luckily my husband and I were both in a good mood and were able to keep on top of the situation, but it’s exhausting have to always be “on” when trying to keep my son occupied.
An employee came by soon after we sat down and swept the area around our table, but by the time we were done, the detritus was mind-boggling, considering we had occupied the space for no more than 15 minutes. There were bits of hamburger, lettuce, baked potato, French fries, hunks of napkin, the plastic wrapper from the spoon.
I picked up as much as I could, we gathered our gear and our tot. I had to make a quick diversion by the door, holding the little white paper ketchup cups over my eyes and making silly faces while my husband refilled his drink and then we were out the door.
We giggled as we strapped Nate into the car seat and drove off, congratulating ourselves on surviving dinner and relieved that we made the wise choice of breezing through Wendy’s instead of a sit-down dinner where we would still be waiting for our food and desperately trying to keep Nate from climbing out of his high chair and crawling across the table top.
I feel your pain, Sistuh!
Oh, I loved reading this, and I know you feel my pain! I feel sorry for you and better for me when I hear your stories, friend! (That didn’t sound as nice as I had hoped…) Your Wendy’s story was hilarious, and I can picture it exactly because we sort of live that regularly. Yeah, things were definitely easier a year ago in terms of going places. Sigh. Can’t wait to get together with you again!
Stephanie, this is brilliant, again! We were right there with you on Saturday night. After my 3-year old screamed because he spilled his orange juice all over his pants, dismantled the napkin thing, opened a sugar packet (at least your sugar packets sound unopened?), threw a french fry at the table next to us and generally did everything possible to not eat his food while ensuring we were unable to enjoy ours, we gave up and left.
Joy!
Oh and I voted for you. I’m honestly thinking of not participating. I mean, right now, I’m still in there (pending) but seriously? I just don’t see how to compete against people who have been blogging for a couple of years who have thousands of followers. I wish there was a contest more geared toward content where bloggers could vote for each other and not themselves…
Good luck and I’ll keep voting for you every day!
OH, that makes me both happy and sad that you gave up on dinner… π You know what I mean.
Ok, now for this fucking contest. I should quit too, because it makes me a little bit nuts. No, there is no way to compete with people who already have 6000 votes and thousands of regular readers. Like thirty people subscribe to my blog. π Also, a content-based contest with actual judges would maybe mean more than this popularity contest. But, hey, thanks for voting for me anyway! You are seriously one of my blogging besties, and I am so grateful to you!
UGH this stupid contest. Tried to comment earlier but for some reason my phone won’t allow me to enter my name and email and stuff. And you know…no school today or yesterday – UGH.
And you’re one of my blogging besties, too, sistah! <3
And I'll keep voting! Only two more weeks of this stupid shit, right? With that said, my own mom tried to vote for me and told me that she kept clicking it, but it wouldn't turn gray from orange. Sigh. If my own mom can't vote for me? How's a girl to get in the top 100 even, I ask ya!? Oh well. Nothing like creating unnecessary stress and feelings of inadequacy for a meaningless contest, right? π
Oh my gosh, remember how we wrote a post about “butts” on practically the same day? I just wrote a post about how much restaurants with children blow last week! So weird. My best friend and I always say the same thing at the same time. When that happens, we say, “get out of my head”, so I’m saying the same thing (lovingly) to you! If you wanna check out my post, it’s called Foodie Meets Mommy (I’m paranoid that you might be thinking I’m shilling for my blog in writing that. Really not, just think it’s cool that we are on the same wavelength!)
No way! That’s so funny- I can’t wait to read it! (No, I definitely don’t think you are shilling for your blog- I would have done the same thing, and yes, it’s so cool we are on the same wavelength!) Our kids are close to the same age, so we will be experiencing some of the same things, I bet. Oh, I thought of you today, because my 16 month old has *finally* started sleeping through the night,and I often thought of you for inspiration over the past few months, telling myself she would get there soon! Thanks for that post you wrote months and months ago!
Ohhhh that picture is ADORABLE! It sounds like a nightmare – but a lovely nightmare! xxx
Oh em gee! I heart you. Seriously! I have 3 kids (ages 7, 6, and 17 months) and reading this just made my day. I’m glad I am not the only one – even though when I am at a restaurant with all of them there are no other kids there and all eyes are focused on us: the two oldest fighting “he’s touching me!” “Mo-om! She put her finger in my mac and cheese!!!,” and the baby throwing everything on the floor (sugar packets, salt and pepper shakers, ketchup bottles, food, napkins, straws and straw wrappers)- of which I pick up repeatedly and end up leaving with it all back on the floor again. Thank you!
π Thanks! Yeah, you are definitely not alone in your humiliation! I am always so embarrassed by the table when we leave…
So that’s why you hardly see parents out to dinner with their toddlers! I hadn’t really thought about it until now. My mom often tells me how good I was sitting and staring at all the other diners, while my brother performed in his chair. I thought kids that age were supposed to be quiet, LOL. Well done for giving it a go….at least you’re experienced with the whole credit card thing. That’s good thinking!
This sounds exactly like our last visit to Red Robin!! Ha. We usually take the kids to kid friendly places when we do get out but sometimes it’s just not worth the money or the time. It’s too overwhelming!
I know- even Red Robin can be embarrassing and stressful, and that just doesn’t seem right!
Am I having deja vu? Once, I took our usually amazingly well-behaved 3 year old daughter to the local greasy-spoon (you really couldn’t have a lower bar) and she decided to throw a fit, upon which, the owner asked me to NEVER COME BACK AGAIN! Believe me- there is NOTHING more embarrassing then to be banned from the worst establishment within 20 miles of 100 miles of nowhere to go. Soldier on, my friend, soldier on.
AWWWW she’s so cute. It gets better I promise.
Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up
Hi-LARIUS! I love going out to dinner but hate going out to dinner with my kids! These days, “going out to dinner” means “dinner will come through the car window and we’ll have a picnic in the family room.” Way easier. And cheaper. And no sugar packets!!
Ah yes, the Dining With Kids Challenge. They should make this a Girl Scout badge to cut down on unintended pregnancies. I have also exited many an eatery with screaming toddler in tow and my dinner in a takeaway bag. It gets better. Sometimes. Chloroform helps too. π
OK, that wins some kind of comment award! Brilliant!
I too, often question the wisdom of dining out with children. The last straw was Easter brunch when Thing 2 vomited chocolate all over our lobster dinner. So. Embarrassed.