OK, OK, just relax. Don’t be fooled by the title- it would be impossible for me to completely eliminate my use of profanity. In my opinion, even the F-word has its place, and I am a firm believer that using the precise, calculated speckling of expletives can only enhance your storytelling. For real. Sometimes, the perfect drop of the word a$$hole makes a narrative go from ho-hum to hilarious. However, one can over do things, and there is a time and place for all epithets.
So why the sudden desire to curb my F-bombs, you ask? Let me tell you a little story about my day yesterday.
While my six year old was getting ready for school in her bedroom, I struggled to get my toddler’s socks on. While I stretched and pulled, I casually commented, “These aren’t going on worth a shit!” (I often take full advantage of my oldest child’s absence in an effort to integrate as many non-emergency swear words into my dialogue as possible.)
“Shhhhttttt.” Sophie parroted.
Shit is right. Oops!
Later that evening, I sat at the kitchen table with my husband, while Sophie messed around with the cheese pizza on her highchair tray. Izzy was outside playing, having already finished her dinner. I bit into the side of my mouth- hard. “Fuck!” I swore, tasting blood.
Then, clear as a bell, came my toddler’s sweet voice, “FUCK!” Every single consonant was articulated crisply, leaving no question of what word she had just uttered.
It’s over. We have officially reached the end of the “Safe Swearing” period. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I go out of my way to use profanity around Sophie, but, given her age, I have felt that thus far I could get away with cursing in front of her without any ill consequences.
The Shit Ship has officially sailed at my house.
It’s time for me to make a concerted effort to find alternatives to my old buddies, F, S, JC, Â and GD.
“For Christ’s sake” is probably out, too.
May I present:
- I’ve found that “For crying out loud!” works nicely as an alternative to “For Christ’s sake.” It’s honestly almost as satisfying. The only problem is, when my six year old says it, it kind of sounds like she’s swearing.
- The other day, I became flustered while driving, and unexpectedly, out popped the word “Duckface.” Not sure how it happened exactly, but I realized it was a nice blend of “F*ckface” and “D*ckface”. Try it.
- I use the word “Monkey” instead of swearing a lot. Variations include, “Son of a Monkey!”, “Mother of Monkeys!” or simply, “Monkeys!” (Except once when Sophie pooped on the bathroom floor and in a moment of chaos, I burst out with the word “Shitmonkey!” So close.)
- Try on the old Will Ferrell Elf classic- “Son of a Nutcracker!” Deeply satisfying.
- We often say, “Mr. Pa-dinky!” when one of us stubs a toe, falls down, or drops something. Don’t hate on it until you’ve tried it.
OK, I’m all ears! In the comments, tell me what favorite expressions you use during times of stress and frustration! (I would love to hear your helpful suggestions for non-swear words, as well as your favorite curse words, too! I’m not a prude, after all…)
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These are some great ideas! I know I always slip up around my stepkids, 11 & 5 yrs old. oops!
It’s so easy to slip around the big kids!
I tend to use the word “Crackers” when driving. And I do God Bless America a lot, too. But I will say when little ears are not around, I curse like a sailor. -Ashley
Oh, yeah, God Bless America, I totally forgot about that one. I use that one a lot! May have to try Crackers, too… Knew I could count on you guys for some fresh ideas!
Loved your ideas and I have hit upon the problem recently and just tried stopping myself before the word comes out, but to be honest that is truly difficult for me, because I could so have the mouth of a truck driver if given the opportunity. I liked your suggestions and may have to try a few now!! 🙂
Yep- I am a total truck driver. It is really hard to stop the words from coming out sometimes…
This is an art. I say “shasta” a lot instead of shit, because my old method of dropping the “i” just didn’t cut it. I’d say “Sht.” But the kids would add the “i.”
I could speak nothing but inspirational and loving words like Pope Francis, but the kids would still get their bad-word exercises every time they listen to the radio. So, I’ve given up.
It IS an art! Shasta…I kinda love that one.
Duckface is my favorite. I’m totally going to try that one.
Right?! 😉
We use “fudge” for the f-bomb. “Friggin” was ok until the kids started using it all the time too, so we had to nix that. My husband uses son of a monkey and God bless America…I just grunt a lot in lieu of cursing. So you may be a truck driver, but I’m a caveman.
Grunting is awesome! I can’t believe someone else says Son of a Monkey!
They are great! I often go with “balls” or “oh, balls” which isn’t necessarily good…but to a kid balls are seemingly benign so he doesn’t glom onto it bc i don’t react as harshly. Son of a B is probably not very good either…baby steps?
“Shut the front door” is always good for shut the f up.
Schnikees if you want to channel some tommy boy.
p.s. I am happy you love Findee Ninee – such a good blog!
I DO love Finding Ninee!!! And I say balls too- I love that one!
Wait how did Finding Ninee come up here? I just re-read the post for the 3rd time to see if I missed something. Certainly can’t be the topic of this post!??
She probably clicked the link from your Listicles, I bet. 😉
I swear like a sailor as well! lol My now 11 y.o. was so great when he was a toddler, I could “accidentally” swear around him and he knew they were bad word never to be repeated. The only he ever used in public was for a “fire truck”– he had issues with “t”. So that became an extra loud Fire FUCK in Toys R Us on december 22 🙂
I’ve tried “shut the front door” but son #2 was using it all the time, had to nix that one as well.
3 y.o. Baby girl repeats EVERYTHING to everyone. So not the cool child!
So now we use this french one : Sac de Papier! said in a very mean, angry tone. It is just a brown paper bag, but this one is all in the delivery!
Good luck Moms!
When Adelaide was about 1 1/2, she repeated the word ‘a$$hole’ just like that baby in Meet the Fockers. Of course we had her parrot it for our friends, family and video camera. Once we had it recorded, we stopped saying it and so did she. Now I say things like “Son of a biscuit.”, “Geezus” (which obviously isn’t any better), and “For the love of Snoopy.” If you’re tongue is feeling particularly lithe you might try “Dod gamn, fother mucking, bon of a sitch.”
Ok, I think you win the prize! 😉 That is so awesome! And it’s hard not to laugh, at least the first time!
Jesus, Joseph and Mary!!
Oh I love that too…one of my old standards! This is fun!
Sonofabiscuit eater or sonofabarrel is one of our go to’s . Although my kids are much older and probably swear like sailors out of my ear shot. Well except my 20 yr old who thinks I won’t still pop that mouth when the F bomb is in every sentence he uses.. grrrr.
I’m gonna have to make a list of the comments here- love it!
When my kids were young, I turned my profanity rants into Holy Mantra’s like: Holy Mary Mother of God! Jesus Christ Upon the Cross! God Damns that! and.. turned the Fbomb into Freakin’Fartin’Frat! Seriously, I fooled no one.
Cheryl I love that!!! Yeah, I’m not fooling anyone either…
We’ve chatted about this before, so I’m sure that you remember that I, too, am in the same boat. It sucks! I can say that here only because he isn’t listening 😉 I’m using “Son of a Biscuit” like a few others…but, it’s just not the same. I REALLY need a sturdy substitute for “sh*t” on the quick…because “Oh sugar” is SOOO not me 😉 Great post!
Yes I totally remember that and I’m so glad I’m not the only mama who has a hard time curbing her profanity! xo
Okay, instead of “Damn it” use “Dang it.” Instead of “F*ck”, use “Fudge.” Instead of “Jesus Christ”, use “Jiminey Christmas.” And, the old stand by, instead of “Shit”, use “Shoot”. I used to love it when the girls would come to me and say, “Daddy, mommy’s using bad words again. Are you going to punish her?” Great post!
I am so loving these comments! 😉
Me too!! But I actually use ‘Fudgecakes’ or ‘Firetuck’ for F***……
Holy crap this is funny! I am a total sailor and truck driver when it comes to swearing. This post cracked me up because I totally got worse when my son was born (my daughter is nearing 5). I went right back to what I did when she was a baby which was swear like a sailor because she didn’t understand. But my son is now 16 months and while he doesn’t speak much, it’s coming soon so this post comes at a perfect time!
I’ve always hated Fudge and Sugar, no offense to those who use them, I wish I could. They are just not … bad enough sounding more me 🙂 I LOVE “Ducksucker” and will try to use asap. Same with monkey’s uncle. Hilarious.
I attempt to say “Crikey!” and “Mother Hubbard!” though I have never used the latter except in theory.
This is a great list, I will be sure to reference as my little guy gets older and wiser.
-Dana
I did the same thing when my youngest was born- our toddlers are almost the same age- and I too have been unable to use some of the cheesy ones. Just not satisfying enough for this sailor!
Shiitake mushrooms is a fave. Also barnacles (a la Sponge Bob), tater tots, and son of a mother. Unfortunately my children are also very well-versed in what the actual swear words are and are instructed that those are “grown-up words” and they are not to use them. We’ll see if that actually works;)
I think this is my favorite post for comments ever. You know, I really do believe there is some merit to teaching your kids that those words are for grown ups, rather than shielding them entirely. Balance…moderation, right?
Maybe if I use these my friends will let me around their children more often 😉
My favorite if “Fudgebuckets”. Fudge on it’s own was not entirely satisfying in itself. The other day in the car we were playing what words start with the letter “whatever”. When we got to F, her word was – yes – Fudgebucket!
wow- sorry for the amazing grammar! 🙂
Please. This is a post about swearing. Grammar schmammar. 😀
My son is also in the “parrot” stage. I’m not a huge swearer, but who doesn’t curse once in a while? Most of my swearing is usually directed at the dog for doing something annoying. But a few days ago I realized that my son was screaming randomly at the dog in an imitation of me. Although his precise words were not clear, you could easily fill in the blanks. I’ve decided to try to speak more nicely to my poor dog.
That is priceless! I can totally picture him shouting angrily and unintelligibly at the dog!
Bahahahahaha! The other day, when the 3 of us were in the car, my husband jokingly said something like, “well then he can kiss my ass!” and all of a sudden we heard, “ass!” So that blissful time in which we can swear without abandon is gone as well. I have yet to figure out how to make this work, but this post is a good start!!!!
Yeah, I *really* suck at this stage of parenting. Verbal restraint is not my strong suit.
We’ve used Mother Fletcher, Toadnose Rugrat Idjit Drivers, and a run-on phrase of Rassa Frassa Snickin Frickin Rockem Sockem Robots! By the time you get through that phrase, you’re usually ready to smile, if not laugh.
This was great. I love to say, “MOTHER TRUCKERS!” 🙂
I’m often one to go for the ‘crap on a stick in a box’ approach, though I don’t really want Niece and Neff to pick that up, so around them it’s “Words. Many words. All of them rude.”
This. Is. Perfect!!!
Sonofanutcracker–excellent!
I loved #2! Although I feel like in our house with 3 Year Old’s extensive experimenting with combining the word poop with everything as well as combining the word head with everything my swearing or lack thereof won’t be relevant. At this point it looks like he’ll be making some linguistic revelations all by himself.
Your post is funny, the comments are killing me. Over the years, I have tried all sorts of different words, thinking they should be fine. Until the kids use them. After putting the dog up one night, my then-three year old followed behind, singing, “Roy’s in his frickin’ home, Roy’s in his frickin’ home.” And that was the end of that word.
Now, I have a three year old who says, “What the?” I don’t say anything anymore. I say half the phrase and stop before the offending word. Gotta say, grandmas aren’t real thrilled with a four year old throwing out a “Son of a!”
Thanks for the laugh.
I’ve heard Cheese & Rice used as a curse alternative.
LOL!! We don’t have kids but I am loving the “Duckface” one. I think I’m going to start using it. It’s the perfect combo of those two words!!!
Right?! Duck face is awesome…
The “Shit Ship” is genius. Pure genius!
I will also be using “Son of a Monkey” from here forward. My husband also randomly yells “Balls!” which is actually pretty funny, but maybe not exactly kid-proof.
I’m a big fan of “frickety-frick” so much so that my secretary used to say it to me all the time, and I finally asked her where she heard that from and she told me I said it all the time. Who knew?
Fun post, although I’m sorry about the f-bomb dropping. It might have sucked for you but it was funny for me!
Oh I’m so glad someone liked the Shit Ship! 😉 and I love saying balls too…yeah, maybe not the best, but better than F! Truth be told, the whole thing made me laugh too!
Well, as you know, I have a very difficult time with this one and haven’t found a perfect substitute myself, yet. I do think duck face might work, though. I’ve found that I say Fuuuuu….. a lot more often now, so maybe I’m getting better. Oh and be careful with the balls one because Tucker already knows that they are also balls balls (thanks husband). One day when I was cleaning him up, he pointed to HIS balls and said ball? Ach.
The other day while driving to Church of all places, Boo was having a fit. I asked Allie who was in the backseat what was wrong and her reply: Boo is pissed off for no apparent reason!
I asked her to repeat it, and she did. I told her that ‘pissed off’ was an adult word and she shouldn’t use it. She asked if it was like “crap”. Yup! My 9YO said crap and pissed off on the way to Mass.
Mom of the year, that’s what I am going for.
This is too funny….great comments. I was using “crap” for awhile, until my eldest daughter gave me the “look” like I shouldn’t be saying that. Really when did it come to this. Then I thought I was being smart and I turned into C-rap! Thought it sounded kinda catchy…hip…young…all of which I’m not. However eldest daughter looked at me, cocking her head sideways…you could see the lights turning on…”oh mom that spells crap!” Nope not fooling anyone over here. To add insult to injury the other daughter constantly says “what the…” leaving it dangling…not good coming from a 7 year old!
For a long time, I had to say “Shii..eesh!!” and “Fu…dge!!!!” before I could completely unlearn those words!! 😀
Valid point, the business of over-use of profanity.
It is undeniable that with over-use a ‘bad word’ eventually loses it’s power. Which is a damn shame. It really is important that there remains words or phrases that demand silence (shocked, amused or otherwise).
Not sure what I use for alternates…sometimes I’ll get all retro and say something like, ‘Jeepers!’ which certainly stands out…but doesn’t have the raw stopping power of ‘the fuck word’*.
Apparently, (by evidence of it’s use by one of my admins) there is the expression, ‘shut the front door’ which I totally admire as a substitute that is relying on duplicating the rhythm of the phrase it is intended to replace. Very cool.
Fun post as always.
*one of my favorite jokes when people are trying to be (too) obviously careful and circumspect in language… usually gets a laugh
I can’t believe I’m just now getting around to reading this. This is HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud multiple times. Sh*tmonkey…ROFL! I say ‘Freakin-A’ a lot. But now my 8yo is saying it and it doesn’t really sound much better. I say ‘crap’ ALL the time. Typically, I scream the cuss words in my head, particular Mother Effer. It feels kind of good. I hadn’t done that for a number of years. Having three children led me to it though. If we ever have four I’ll probably be swearing out loud all the time.
The only time I slip up in front of the kids is if I get hurt. The worst offense otherwise is when I say “Crap” – and as parent of the year I find it hilarious when my 2 yo says “Oh, cwap.” UNLESS I’m chatting with my friends – and then I forget and flap away. Sigh… I need a muzzle.
Yeah I totally can’t help it if I get hurt. Every. Time.
Totally hilarious!
“Dirtyfrattagrattarap.” That was one of my dad’s. “For the love of…(pete?)”
I also had my young son with me when I was stopped for speeding. Long story short, when I took my darling little angelic baby boy out of the car at the police station to pay for the ticket guess what came out of his mouth? The same word I repeated multiple times from the time I saw the lights go on, and all the way to the station. Fuck. Thankfully he didn’t mention that in the station.
There you go all you mom of the year wannabes. Speeding and swearing with toddler.
That is priceless!
“BOB SAGET!!!!” is also very satisfying
That is the best thing I have ever heard.
I use the word fucknutts ….my kids just laugh eveytime I say it I cant stop my self I say it all the time drives my husbsnd crazy…
try this site!
http://agentfrey.blogspot.com/2012/01/bad-words-141-alternative-ways-to-cuss.html
Geez Louise, and ships instead of sh*t. Neighbor used to say Jesus, Joseph and
Mary!
I guess I use mostly movie swears. If I say, “Effin A, Cotton!” from Dodgeball, not even my teenage son says anything. Also, “son of a motherless goat!” from The Three Amigos. It also feels good sometimes to exclaim – loudly – “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY!!!” I use that frequently when talking to my husband and son instead of “everybody shut the f*** up!” or “are you all retarded?!!” 😀
I’m definitely going to try “Bob Saget.”
Ha! Love Mr. Pa-dinky!
Sugar on Top! (This replaces Shit quite satisfactorily!)
I use garbage pail kids as my go – to swear. And while driving instead of fucktard we use cheesy boogerhead in reference to idiots on the road.
We started using “dishbag” instead of douchebag when my oldest misheard us as a toddler and we thought it was hilarious. Now he’s older and he just asked me why I called someone a dishbag while we were driving. Two of my other favorites, since we are a house full of nerds, are “frak” (from Battlestar Galactica) and “oh my glob” (from Adventure Time.)
I tend to use “Shut the front door” frequently. Shitake mushrooms is another personal fave when I start to slip with “shit….” 🙂
“Sugar Bears” with a long drawn our “SHHHHH” at the beginning works for me!
This has been the hardest thing for me and even though I’m doing soooo much better, I still have a long way to go!!! The f bomb is the one I struggle w/most!! I’m using more “shytes, frazzle fracks, shooky dern, cheese & rice, fudgecicles, son of a monkey’s uncle, and so much more that i’ll have to come back with, these days!! I’m also using a lot of “crap balls”, but that honestly isn’t a whole lot better than shit balls!!!!!
I’m really bad for swearing when I drive. I’ve learned to just go with “I love people”. No matter what happens on the road, that’s what’s said. Great for not getting mad at others
Fudgesicle & Son of a Beehive are frequently used around here. My son when he was younger used “Chicken Wings!” as an expletive, although he didn’t get that one from me.
I did tell my kids that there are no bad words, just some that aren’t polite to use. I explained that some words are like farts, they offend people, so be careful where you let one rip. (Can you tell I have boys?)
There’s always Liz Lemon curse words, Blerg, Nerds, Jag and “By the hammer of Thor.”
I know I’m super late here, but I said “butter biscuits” last night without even thinking when McDonald’s shake machine was down >_>
I had a friend who taught me “Son of a belly dancer” in high school and I substitute that now when necessary. Incidentally, my kids have not randomly parroted curse words, but they do use them in “appropriate” context. Once, my (then) three year old was playing with my laptop and he innocently asked me which key was the “dammit button!”
Late to the party, but here’s a few that might be useful if you curse like a sailor but are too embarrassed to try some of the more creative options in public:
Witch(Careful with this one, it’s pretty obvious what you’re replacing…) – B**ch
Freakin’/Flippin’ – F**king
Shoot – Sh*t
Dang/darn – Damn/F**k
Holy cow – Holy sh*t
What the heck – What the h*ll
Don’t be a jerk/don’t be an idiot(Not offensive in our house but this varies) – Don’t be a d**k
That’s nonsense/that’s ridiculous – That’s bullsh*t
Thanks, Captain Obvious – No sh*t, Sherlock
That’s messed up/I messed up – F**ked Up
Oh snap! – Oh sh*t!
Gosh-darnit – God-dammit
Goll/Oh my goll(Short for golly but sounds better, our priest actually uses this one occasionally xD) – OMG
Fudgenuggets was a “go to”. Now my kids are 11 and 7 and its a “when you move out of this house you can cuss” double standard, I’m the cusser, my husband is mainly in the car. My 11 year old who is now in 6th grade and rides a bus of both middle and high schoolers is saying how the kids on her bus and kids at school cuss a lot, she proudly proclaimed that she is not, but her friend is telling her she has to if someone xusses at her. To help her, I’m trying to come up with fancy alternatives for my daughter to use like ignoramus instead of ass, etc so that she can come off sounding more intelligent than the average hormonal tweenager. So if any of your commentors would like to add to this, I would love advice on the opposite end.
Cheese & Rice! works very well as a J—C— alternative!