Writing strongly worded letters has always been a hobby of mine. Perhaps it sounds strange, but I derive much satisfaction from composing the perfect missive to confront an unjust situation. Complaining about poor service, an outrageous dental bill, (true story) or making a plea for a visa extension for my international friend- you name it, I’ll write it. Surely there is a second job I could acquire in which my responsibilities were simply to write strongly worded letters for people?

 At any rate, given my interest in the subject, this seemed only appropriate:


Dear Management Team at Parenting Headquarters,

As a loyal community member for over six years, I must bring to your attention some conditions in my home that I can no longer overlook.

My six year old is still whining. She whines approximately 150 times per day for a variety of perplexing reasons, including menu options, TV time, and other perceived injustices. She is perhaps the clumsiest human being I have ever met, and trips and falls or runs into objects with alarming frequency, also contributing to the aforementioned whining. We were under the impression that this unfortunate syndrome would have wrapped up by perhaps the age of 4, and are a bit disgruntled at its continued prevalence in our home.

My 14 month old is still not sleeping through the night. This seems unacceptable.

Both of my children appear to have little regard for my health and cleanliness. I believe I have previously brought to your attention an incident involving my then two year old defecating into my hands in an outlet store; since that complaint, my younger child has spit up directly into my open mouth during a playful parent-child interaction. Again, let me state: this seems unacceptable.

In addition to their disregard for my overall well-being and hygiene, my two offspring seem disinterested in the fact that I have other obligations around the house. They are particularly disrespectful during meal preparation and housecleaning, rendering me virtually incapable of engaging in either necessary household task. There seems to be some sort of wiring malfunction around my use of the computer. As soon as I sit down to the keyboard, one or both children materialize, whining, crying, tugging on my clothing (horrors) or requesting some inane item or experience. I am baffled by the indignity of this situation. I pushed both of these children out of my hmm-hmmm, one of them without pain medication, and I would expect a modicum of courtesy.

An illustration of the disregard for my living space
 I trust that you will be able to address my concerns in the coming months. In the next year, we will be entering the “terrible twos”, which if I remember correctly, involved potty training (see above public defecation experience), biting, and an overuse of the phrase, “I do it my big-girl self.” It would be a shame to relive those particular ugly toddler scenes.
Thank you in advance for your timely response to my concerns.
Stephanie a.k.a. “Mommy”
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