A funny thing happened on the way to the feminine hygiene aisle the other day. I had my toddler in the shopping cart, and we squeezed by a young woman anxiously perusing her choices in the family planning section. “Who’s that lady?” my daughter chirped cheerfully, unselfconscious as always about who may or may not appreciate her loud inquiries. “I don’t know that lady,” I whispered back.
She looked up at us and smiled. I began scanning the aisles for the correct brand that wasn’t scented, for the love of God, and she sighed loudly. I figured she was overwhelmed by her choices, and I remembered my days of standing immobilized in front of dozens of home pregnancy test choices.
“I have no idea which one to buy!” she confessed. “How are you supposed to decide?”
“I know, it’s brutal! I used to spend forever trying to decide which test to take. For awhile I insisted on buying the digital readout kind, but they’re so expensive! I switched to the generic ones- I’m pretty sure they’re the same,” I offered.
As we left her standing with an EPT in one hand and a Kroger’s “Early Response” in the other, I remembered what actually caused me to stop buying the digital readout tests. With my first pregnancy, I thought it would be so much more exciting to see the word “Pregnant” on the screen than two boring pink lines. What I hadn’t anticipated was how much it sucked to see the words “Not Pregnant” instead. Seeing those words taunting me felt like the inanimate, opinion-less piece of plastic was mocking me for my failure to become pregnant that month.
As I walked away from the possibly-newly-pregnant woman, I decided the digital readout test companies may as well change their “Not Pregnant” option to read something like:
- Shows what you know, sucker!
- Could’ve had that margarita last night!
- Waah-waaaaaamp
- Guess your boobs weren’t really sore after all, dumbass!
- ((((Digital image of a middle finger))))
- Thanks for playing, better luck next time!
- Wow, you suck at this.
- Your eggs are probably old and shitty.
- No baby for you! (with accent and inflection of the soup guy on Seinfeld.)
For anyone who has ever taken a pregnancy test and gotten a negative result, that’s pretty much what it feels like. I mean, at least with the two-lines version there’s a shred of hope that you misread it! You can always stand on the counter, hold it up to the fluorescent light in your bathroom, and crane your neck looking for a faint trace of that second pink line!
Maybe instead they should revamp their market to include positive messages of hope on their digital readout tests, sort of like a fertility fortune cookie:
- Don’t give up- it’ll happen!
- Next month, may the odds be ever in your favor!
- Have you tried drinking coconut water?
- Keep your chin up- stress isn’t good for conception!
- Go have a glass of wine and a good cry!
- Tell your husband to switch to boxers.
- Try acupuncture!
Or they could turn it into a marketing campaign:
- Next time use our Ovulation Predictor kit first for increased accuracy and success!
- Buy our basal thermometer for fertility charting- only $12.99 in Aisle 5!
I hope the lady in the “Aisle that Should Not Be Named” got a positive result on her first try- whichever test she took. Because as the imaginary pregnancy test/fortune cookie so wisely asserts,
This post is part of Finish the Sentence Friday.
This week’s sentence was: “A funny thing happened on the way to…”
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Me
Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
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You just made me thankful that I never did use digital pregnancy tests back in the day. My favorites were the ones with the pink lines (FRERs). But that said, I like your tag lines better then anything that I could have read on one of those digital tests anyway of the week, because when you want to pregnant and you aren’t a negative pregnancy test with the words “Not pregnant” are truly the last words you do want to see (and I do say this from experience).
Yeah, negative tests totally suck… when you want to get pregnant, that is! 😉
I love the May the odds be ever in your favor. So funny.
I had fun coming up with these! 😀
Stephanie, your messages are only accounting for those who want to be pregnant! What about:
Whew!
Wear a rubber next time, dummy!
Didn’t you learn anything in SexEd?
I have always gone for the cheapest one, buy two and call it a day!
Love that April!
Haha. Yes. I was thinking the same thing.
Also, my husband would probably add stuff like,
Stop being paranoid!
This happens every month, why are you obsessed with possible pregnancies?
And, I’d probably add:
Nope, sorry. That’s just chili-cheese-fry weight gain.
I love it! Oh the possibilities! Sarah’s comment was awesome. “Stop being paranoid! This happens every month!” I suck at keeping track of the things that ladies are supposed to keep track of. So, inevitably every couple of months I start panicking–how long HAS it been? I HAVE been moody lately. And hungry.
Turns out I’m just a moody and hungry sort of gal. Thanks for the laughs, Stephanie (=
Ha! Me too! I wrote a post for Scary Mommy last summer about how every month I think I’m pregnant and it’s always just PMS. Or the fact that I am always tired, hungry, and vaguely nauseous. Guess I’m not alone, huh? And you’re welcome for the laugh- thanks for stopping by!
Yes! Love the chili-cheese fries idea. See, isn’t this fun? 😉
I was thinking the same thing! How about: Okay, you are not this time. After you thank God and say 50 Hail Mary’s go out and get birth control.
You are SO right! I love your ideas, too. I totally thought about that after I published it- this is definitely not geared towards those who are praying for a negative test! 😉
Hahaha, this is EXACTLY what I thought!!
Hahahaha! Funny. I have to confess I was too chicken to use those! I couldn’t bear the thought of it being negative. However, had I the possibility of being treated to “Go and have a glass of wine and a good cry!” I might have been tempted…
Ha! I totally understand…
LOL @ April’s comment. So if I would have taken a test the last time I thought I was pregnant, mine would have said, “Nope! But maybe you’re allergic to eggs.” (I don’t eat eggs anymore) – haven’t thought I was pregnant since.
I do remember the trying and digging the test out of the trash can several times to see if that second line showed up. 😉
Love this post.
Digging out of the trash can! Allergic to eggs! Ha! Love that comment, Kenya! Thanks for co-hosting this week!
OMG. I’m not even sure what to say. I did once get the pregnancy test that said “Your eggs are probably old and shitty.” For real. But I also got one once that said “Wait and see you stupid dumbass who is taking these tests way too often.” And then? The One That Mattered?
I was not expecting at all. Hubs and I had been taking them for a LONG TIME. Like long. Like long enough that I’m not going to say it because it’s not worth comparing… Anyway. The. ONE. Month (when we were moving and life sucked because hub’s daughter came to live with us and I forgot to have “sex on purpose”) was when I got knocked up. Later that month, not knowing, I even said “OMG WE totally missed trying this month!!!!” I cried. And was knocked up. At the worst, and best, and only, possible time.
Awesome post my friend.
I LOVE that story, Kristi. I always hated it when people said, “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant!” It’s so condescending. And yet… truth in it, huh?
OMG, this is hilarious. And the comments people have left are funny too! Enjoyed reading all of it. I love the photos with the words in them. I didn’t even know they had digital ones. I only ever used the lines…I think…it was so long ago. I’m sure i got whatever was cheapest. I just remember throwing them in the trash can with a force strong enough to shatter them. It was a good release.
Ha! I can imagine you throwing them in the trash can forcefully. I may have done that a time or two myself…
Oh my “Beiber should have been sent down the river in a wicker basket like Moses was because Canada didn’t want him born and America doesn’t want him either.”
I needed this laugh this morning.
I used the boring pink lines. It fooled me into believing that I wasn’t pregnant when in fact I was. I found out at the doctor’s office and yes, I did drink when I found out that I wasn’t…but was…maybe that’s why I have so many problems.
There should be one that says “Don’t do it. Your kid will come out with seven eyes and a vengeful stare”
Glad to make you laugh today- and thanks for returning the favor with your comment!
I’m going to show my age here and say…how cool is it that you can pee on a stick and find out whether or not you are pregnant? I think you should be able to select your response type..are you afraid you’re pregnant or happily anticipating a positive outcome?
That is a great idea! Yep, I didn’t exactly think about those people who would be hoping for a Big Fat Negative! 😉
I don’t know what sucks worse. Getting the Not Pregnant and wishing you were or getting the Could’ve had a Margarita and didn’t!!!! I love your ideas. How about one for the person who is hoping to get the Not Pregnant read-out and gets the pregnant:
“Oh, you thought it couldn’t get worse? Wait til labor”.
On another note, have you ever noticed in that aisle not to be named that the condoms are right freaking next to the pregnancy tests?
HAHA! See, isn’t this fun? Yeah, the possibilities are endless- I didn’t even try to come up with responses for the person who doesn’t want to get pregnant! And yeah… interesting observation with the “family planning” aisle! 🙂
I loved this post because here’s a fun fact about me: I used to be the Marketing Manager for a home pregnancy test — Clearblue Easy. I know ALL about those tests, and I thought your sense of humor about the digital sayings was hilarious…so hilarious in fact that I am sending this post right now to my friend who works for the company that makes First Response. She is a Vice President of Marketing there and I know she’ll get a kick out of it…(and by the way, so happy to be participating in FTSF this week!)
Ha, no way! That is awesome, Emily! Wonder if they’ll think it’s funny? 😉
HAHAHA! These past two weeks, I think I took about 100 pregnancy tests. I could faintly see- next to the single, too bad sucka, only pink line the words “Are you SURE you want a third child?” 🙂
Ha! I love that one, too. The possibilities are truly endless with this game. 😀
I would have loved a comforting response on all those pregnancy tests I took month after month and year and year. TOo bad you can’t claim negatives on your taxes.
Isn’t that the truth! You should totally be able to write those off. Boo!
This is great, Steph, as most of your posts are. Were you not a woman, I’d even call it brilliant.
I’d add “Have you tried getting drunk?” to the encouraging negative messages. I know women love it when I offer my suggestions when they’re trying to get pregnant. Just LOVE it. Lol.
I am laughing out loud, Don. “Have you tried getting drunk?” Awesome.
Ha! Laughing so hard at that last picture! 🙂 The first pregnancy test I ever took came back negative. Turns out it should have said “Oops! Just kidding!” because I actually was pregnant the whole time! Also reminds me of the time I was in Target with my whole family (that’s always fun!) perusing that same aisle when I heard one of my daughters say loudly to my husband, “Daddy, what is personal lubricant?” Watching my husband trying to weasel his way out of answering was hilarious! It was also probably the best possible birth control method for the young couple who was condom shopping on the same aisle! 🙂
Ha! That personal lubricant question is one of the best/worst “things your child says in public” stories ever! That would have made a good “funny thing happened…” post! You’re right- families shopping together is often great birth control! 😉
This is such a brilliant post! I LOVE this SO much! I’ve so identified with the “you suck at this” negative response section and loved your suggestions for improvement. Especially the fortune cookie vision. This is definitely one of your best!
Ah, thank you! Your post knocked me down. For real.
You know, my experience with those sticks thus far in my life has been “Whew! Thank God there’s only one pink line!” I may eat my words as I get further into my thirties…
See, I should have made a section for “close calls.” That would have been even better!
LOVE this post! Gosh I wish those messages all would show up…kind of like a magic eight ball. Different message every time.
Except every time I have taken a pregnancy test, I was hoping it was negative(i had my daughter unexpectedly). When i got that positive result it might as well have said, “You’re F*****”
Ha! That made me laugh. Yeah, there are all kinds of different possible answers, depending on how you feel about getting pregnant, huh?
If a pregnancy test came back negative and said “Stop worrying, it will happen when it happens” I would throttle it. Or if it said “It will happen when you stop trying.”
Although I like the Magic 8 Ball idea, too.
I would rage against a positive reading that said “Sleep now, while you can!” Worst advicve ever to a newly pregnant mom. Because you can store up sleep?
Anyhow! My personal issues aside….fun post! I loved it!
Oh, no, those “encouraging” ones would be total BS. I’d totally bitch-slap a condescending pregnancy test with a “stop worrying” message. Yeah, that kind of advice is NOT welcome! 😉
I only ever took two. They were the two-line version and they both totally sucked.
I like your idea of digi ones with an encouraging message, though. That’s AWESOME.
And very sensitive, and caring-for-others 🙂
It would have to be pretty damn encouraging and wise to prevent me from wanting to break it in half! Negative pregnancy tests suck.
Ok, let me tell you, I was the QUEEN of obsessing over pee-sticks when we were TTC. {I know, that’s shocking!} I’m talking take a picture of it, upload it on to the computer, change the saturation, temperature, highlights, shadows, etc., and see if there is indeed a sliver of a line there… or was it just an evaporation line? Did you know there’s a whole website {or at least there was years ago} called peeonastick.com that’s completely dedicated to sharing pee-stick pictures and what each brand looks like and what a BFP actually looks like???? And how you can disassemble the digital one to analyze the lines on the stick? Because the digital test is actually an ovulation test stick, and relies on an optical reader to interpret the differences in the line colors? I think I had so damn many of the cheapie tests from the Internet by the time I got pregnant that I kept taking the tests, and then obsessing over if the lines were indeed getting darker each day… Oh dear God, what is wrong with me?!
Basically, I meant to say, I loved this post 🙂 xoxo
Sarah, I am DYING here! I can totally picture you putting the photo on the computer and analyzing the saturation. I am hysterical over here! And I totally diassembled tests to see if there was a faint second line. I was like a crazed animal- I should’ve been locked up! And I can’t believe there is a whole website devoted to that!!! Well, I sort of can- apparently you and I aren’t the only POAS wackos out there! This comment made my whole day. 😉
I remember being overwhelmed by all the tests. And then when one said I was pregnant, I felt the urge to go out and buy like 5 more just to be sure.
I still remember the NOT PREGNANT sign flashing at me at first though. I was bummed. I think I might have even shouted at the stick, “Are you SURE?”
Ba ha ha! I’ve never taken the digital ones. Probably a good thing. I did notice they sell the regular kind at Dollar Tree now. Hmmmm… wonder how accurate those are? 😉
I LOVE your pregnancy test photos!! They are fantastic and so true. I remember all too well the feelings of the negative test when I was trying to get pregnant with Lucy. I would *know* it was too early to be testing, but I would do it anyway. UGH! I never did the digital ones, though. I basically bought the cheapest ones in bulk because I was taking so many!! –Lisa
Oh, Stephanie, this was *priceless*! Thanks for the laugh. And I agree, seeing that “Not Pregnant” when you really want to be pregnant totally sucks. I love all your suggested alternate negative options so much I can’t even choose a favorite. 🙂
You’re brilliant! This made me laugh, cry and laugh again! Thank you. I needed to read something like this as that digital honestly mocked the &$!? out of me this morning! Bless you! [xo]