Traditionally, mothers are depicted as serene, selfless women whose personal needs are minimal at best. These archetypal mothers can be found serving hot meals timed precisely with the arrival of Father home from work, happily joining their children in whatever activity they choose, and never raising their voices in frustration or annoyance. They have never wanted anything more than to be a mother, and hence, they find few things that are objectionable about their daily existence. They are fulfilled, always grateful, and perfectly content.
We can be either traditional or non-traditional with the way we do things, and I think there is a place in the world for both. Motherhood is no exception. Â If you have ever visited my blog before, I think you know that I fall into the “non-traditional” category.
When I started this blog, it was to give myself an outlet for working through some of my feelings about the parts of motherhood that challenged me, as well as to connect with others who shared these ambivalent feelings. I endeavored to bring to light darker aspects of motherhood, and to tell the truth about the realities of parenthood-Â all of it.Â
Last week I had my first article up at The Huffington Post. I’d published it originally on my own blog last year, and the title was 5 Things I’d Like to Tell My Childless Friends, But Won’t. HuffPost changed the title to the somewhat more provocative “5 Things I Really Want People With No Kids to Know.” (I get it- whatever sells.) The upshot of this piece is that I think it’s condescending and pointless to tell people without kids what they should be savoring about their child-free experience. Then I go and do just that- in a somewhat cheeky way, listing the things that I wished I’d cherished more before having kids. You can read the article here, if you want. It went sort of viral, and I got primarily positive comments on the post itself. But The HuffPost Parents Facebook page was another story. Here is a sampling of some of the gems spewed in my general direction:
- I feel sorry for her children.
- Obviously she shouldn’t have had kids.
- I never have those problems with my kids, and I would never say such things about them. My children are the light of my life.
- I get so tired of people complaining about their kids
- This article was condescending to childless people.
- Parents should know it will be hard before they start.
I won’t debate whether the offended readers missed the point- that’s defensive-sounding and obnoxious. But here’s the thing- a rational person would clearly not jump to the conclusion that a mother doesn’t love her kids simply because she doesn’t enjoy bringing them to the grocery store.  And more importantly- what kind of person says “obviously she shouldn’t have had kids” about a complete stranger? Simply because I confessed I don’t enjoy dinnertime or errand-running with my children? Does such a remark make one feel better about oneself? Apparently. There were even more negative comments from people without children. (Which begs the question- why exactly are all these people subscribing to HuffPost Parents? Whatever.)
Of course I adore them. Duh.
There are always a few people who read my posts about the not-so-fun parts of parenthood and remind me that not everyone is childless by choice. They intimate that I’m not sympathetic enough to those people, and that I’m not considering their feelings. In a way, they’re right- I’m not thinking about the perspective of the woman who desperately wants to have children and can’t when I write about another sleepless night. But if you are questioning whether I am sympathetic to those who are coping with infertility- believe me, I am. I have never experienced it, but after each of my three pregnancy losses, I have known what it means to want something– a baby– so desperately that you think you’ll never be happy until you have it. I understand that longing. I empathize. I respect it.
But I need to make this clear: If you are dealing with infertility or other factors that interfere with your ability to have a family- this blog is not for you. Do I have compassion for those who are trying to have children and cannot? Absolutely. But I am not writing for you.Â
Here’s an example: Do you ever complain about your job? Maybe your boss is unreasonable, your co-workers are obnoxious, the benefits packages sucks, or you are simply overworked. Don’t you think there’s an unemployed person out there who would give anything to have your crappy job? Don’t watch “The Office” and then whine about how disrespectful the show is to unemployed people. Turn the show off.
Let’s take it a step further- I don’t spend time trolling vacation planning blogs that exist to find the most decadent resorts in the Caribbean, and then complain to them that they are disregarding those of us who can only afford to vacation in South Da-fuckin-kota. Or email Fitness magazine condemning them for not considering mothers who don’t have time to exercise.
One cannot write to please every reader, nor should every blog be generalized enough to appeal to the masses. Even as a parenting blog, I do not write for every single mother in the world. This is who my blog is for:
- The mother who is panicking because she feels selfish and worries that motherhood is not coming naturally.
- The mother who feels guilty about not enjoying all her time with her kids.
- The tired but happy parents who want to commiserate over the absurdity of their daily lives with kids, and find the humor in these moments.
- The woman who wants to know that somebody else spends a ridiculous amount of time talking about poop and obsessing about sleep.
- The isolated mother who feels she shouldn’t talk about her negative feelings; after all, she tried for years to have children and experienced numerous pregnancy losses. Shouldn’t she be more grateful? I’m a voice for those mothers.
It’s not always pretty.
In Praise of Complaining
As for the negative comments, allow me to beat you to the punch: Clearly, I should stop complaining and be more grateful. “People are tired of parents complaining about life with kids.” Fair enough. But we all complain about something, whether it is that unreasonable boss or inflexible work hours, or our mother-in-law, or our own physique. Do you ever complain about being a tad overweight? What if while you were griping to a friend about it, she pointed out that there’s a hospitalized woman battling cancer who would be thrilled to be packing ten extra pounds rather than failing to keep any food down. Must we be continually shamed for not keeping things in perspective?
There is certainly a point at which one’s whining becomes obnoxious and overbearing, but venting about our challenges is how people connect with one another. Yes, we are happy to be employed, even if our boss sucks. Yes, we are happy to be healthy, even if our thighs are too fat.  Yes, we are grateful for our children. In fact, we love them so much it causes our hearts to ache. We would kill or die for our children. But there should be safe places for people to air their gripes- whether it is a post-work Happy Hour with your co-workers, a parenting blog, an infertility message board, or a family reunion. And if you are one of those rare persons who never, ever has a negative word to say about anything, why on Earth would you reject your holier-than-thou values to sling mud at a stranger on the Internet? Shame on you.Â
It’s almost as though any light-hearted tale of parenting woe must come with the disclaimer: “Yes, I’m telling you about this terrible day I had at home with my kids, but I want you to know I love them more than anything! I’m grateful for them!” In fact, though I may share parenting horror stories, I begin and end every day with a gratitude meditation. The first thing I say is, “Thank you for my healthy children.”
And for the couple who has been trying unsuccessfully to have children, here is what I have to say to you: Someday, I hope you have a family, whether that happens via fertility treatments, adoption, or a natural miracle. And when you do, someday you may be exhausted. You may feel like you are the worst mother ever. You may resent the constant screaming of your colicky infant, or feel helpless when your toddler is having a public meltdown. You may feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. And should that happen– come find me. I will be here for you. Because that is what I am doing here- I am trying to reach out to other families who may be conflicted, confused, or speechless about all the unexpected aspects of parenthood.
I am trying to bring light to the absurd, humiliating, frustrating, and even dark moments of motherhood. When people feel the need to spew their judgment in the form of chastising blog post comments, they widen the chasm between women– childless women and mothers alike. When people throw stones at mothers who are expressing their truth- whether it be they failed to instantly bond with their baby or simply they hate playing dolls with their kids- they perpetuate the epidemic that causes parents to strive for unattainable perfection. That is hateful.Â
Roll Your Eyes and Move On
A few years ago I posted on Facebook that I was on my way to hear Barack Obama speak. Several of my Republican friends/family members commented with, “I can’t imagine being excited to hear him,” and other unpleasant remarks about the President. I replied crisply with, “If you don’t like something, don’t “like” it. No need to comment.” When I read a friend’s political post that I disagree with, I roll my eyes and move on. I am uncomfortable with confrontation, not to mention the fact that is seems to be a waste of my time- it’s hardly likely that my reply will cause an acquaintance to overhaul their personal or political beliefs.
It makes me wonder why people don’t employ this strategy when they read articles they don’t care for, particularly ones of which they are not the intended audience. Tired of “5 Things…” parenting lists? Don’t read them. Roll your eyes and move on, or, in the words of Whoa! Susannah, fellow blogger and mean comment recipient, “Don’t Vex- Click the X.” Perhaps STFU, Parents is more up your alley.
Perhaps the people who leave critical, mean comments on your blog post feel that they are helping to elicit real change. Or maybe they’re just assholes with too much time on their hands, looking for a quick fix to inflate their pathetic egos. Either way,  there seems to be no point in responding to these aptly named trolls. Just as their ignorant words are not going to cause me to have an epiphany that results in never uttering a negative word about parenthood, nothing I can say will convince them that they are the cruel ones. It’s true that these comments come with the territory. It’s true that I need to work on thickening up my skin. So instead of analyzing any glimmer of truth in these nasty comments, I will simply roll my eyes and move on.
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I was at the kids pool with my 2 year old today. We were waiting at the bottom of the slide with another kid and a third kid barreled past mine and the the other kid to get up the ladder first. The other kid cried. Her mother goes “It wasn’t nice what that girl did, but it’s over now. Move on.” Sounds like the haters need to be treated like that 3 year old. Also: Read this http://wendiaarons.com/2014/01/the-at-leasts.html
I promise you will laugh. I am tempted to say “At least you have haters, that means you’re a big deal” but I won’t. I get how frustrating this must be. But you just have to ignore the haters. I loved that post, personally. Well, you know I did b/c you know I tweeted it:) Just keep doing your thing.
Wait did that come out wrong? I just meant anyone who doesn’t like what you write simply needs to move on. Seriously, why are they even reading it if they hate it so much? Obv you love your kids otherwise you wouldn’t feel conflicted about your feelings of annoyance with them. HELLO how can you NOT get annoyed with someone you live with, especially when you give EVERYTHING, you’re entire self to them and then they hit you in the face and laugh. Or whatever they do… I might or might not be speaking from experience here:)
hahaha! We live in the same house, Pam!
Pam, I love you. You crack me up. Your comment didn’t come out wrong at all- I loved it! And I will go read that link now… 🙂 Thank you!
I love this! You are such a good writer, and beyond that, what you wrote is so en pointe (if that’s how you write that!). Write your truth…it’s many of ours. Lovers gonna love!
Aw, Susie, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. And that’s my new motto- “Lovers gonna love!” xo
I’m commenting and I didn’t even finish your post. I have to go back up to keep reading but I have to say RIGHT NOW a-fucking-men. Can I say that here? Yes. Yes I can.
Hell yes you can. And your comment made me feel giddy with delight. Not exaggerating. You are the best! xoxo
Stephanie, first off huge congrats on the article itself. And you already know you had from the get-go and could very much relate. I love my kids and would do anything for them, as I said in my own post tonight, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments and totally shared a few of those finer moments on my blog, as well. Many of these people sound like either they don’t have kids or they are do and are in denial, because parenting while rewarding definitely does have challenges and as I said those moments. So, definitely take these comments and people with a grain of salt, because I do think you are in the majority not the minority on this one 🙂
Thank you so much for that, Janine- I really appreciate it! Off to read yours, now! 🙂
Stephanie,
I really enjoyed your piece but didn’t leave a comment on Huffpo because now they connect you with your FB, and I don’t want people (aka trolls) having that info. I remember getting nasty comments on a post I wrote that Mamapedia picked up, and it was a bit scary and disheartening. I guess it goes with the territory, right? I guess we need to remember what Abe Lincoln said. “You can please some of the people some of the time…”
Estelle
Great quote, Estelle! And thanks for taking the time to comment here. I too was a bit put off when I realized I had to use FB to verify my account. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I decided NOT to reply to the commenters personally. (There were several reasons, actually!) I really appreciate your support, and oy, the Mamapedia trolls are some of the absolute worst, aren’t they? They crucified me a few times, too, on posts that I thought were completely lighthearted! Never can tell… Thanks again! 🙂
And this is why I am too afraid to start my own blog. Nonetheless, your courage, compassion, and purpose are so inspiring. I am grateful for your candidness. I feel connected in my parental insanity.
I don’t blame you one bit, Wendy! It’s not usual for a “small” blogger like me to attract negativity, and it doesn’t happen very often. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment- every word. I too feel connected in my parental insanity, now. 🙂
Right on sister! You did this with so much more grace than I would have expected! And I think you are so right about the whole this blog isn’t for you thing. The reason people blog is to write about their personal experiences, not someone else’s! Really? I am not offended when I don’t agree with what you write. I love to shop with Isaiah. NOT! LOL. sorry, I’m slap happy sitting with a kid who WON’T sleep because I’m a crappy mom who let him watch The Land Before Time too close to bedtime. AND I’M PROUD OF IT!
You’re the best!
That comment made me laugh out loud, Jen! Thanks for the solidarity, sister! And no, YOU are the best! 😀
Bravo.
Most of my negative comments come from my mother. Any time I post something about, say, how I want to run screaming from the house or feel down in the dumps, my mom gets on me about how so-and-so “loves being a mother, every minute of it,” or “only wishes she could stay home with her kids like you.”
Sometimes I do worry that I complain too much and come off sounding ungrateful. But for the most part, the posts that my mom dislikes tend to be the ones that get the mosts “amens” and “likes” from other moms my age. And to your point, that’s who I’m writing for.
A good friend of mine also pointed out that blog also take on something of a persona. Everything I write is true, but I don’t post every thought or feeling I have. Yes, I’ll occasionally write about cute/sweet things my kids say or do, but I’m certainly more likely to share a sarcastic/self-effacing perspective. Because that’s my personality. And can you imagine how boring it would be if every blog out there was “oh my kids are the best let me tell you about another special moment we had”?
Keep up the good work.
I loved every single thing about that comment. (Well, except your mom’s negative comments, maybe!) Thank you for summing that up so perfectly- I really appreciate you adding your perspective!
The title of this post speaks volumes, cause it’s so very true. But most importantly, congrats on your Huff Post piece!! So so awesome 🙂 I think it’s perfectly acceptable to only read nice comments and ignore the other crap. Esp when it comes from a trolly or clueless place. Very much a fan of your phrase/advice, roll your eyes and move on. If only we could enforce such things, ha.
-Dana
Yes, if only! So much easier said than done…but I am working on it! Thank you so much, Dana!
Well said! I don’t get why people want to hurl abuse at random strangers online – it’s not useful and doesn’t get them anywhere.
I’m off to read your HuffPost article now – but let me add my disclaimer. I do love my kids, more than anything in this world. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy shopping without them or even better – weekends away! I am a human after all.
Well said, Piper! 🙂 Thanks for your comment– disclaimer included! 😉
I love this post….and I totally agree with the whole “this blog is not for you” idea. If you don’t share the POV, or have any frame of reference that corresponds with the blogger, just move on to something else. No need to rant about how much you disagree. It’s not a debate forum, it’s a blog post, a snippet of the blogger’s own life!!
Yes, exactly! Blog posts are most definitely a snippet of our own lives- I appreciate the solidarity! Thank you so much!
(((((HUGS))))) I love this post and that article… People are stupid and irrational in general, seriously. Plus they think it’s fun to attack in groups. I’m sorry but if a mom says I have no problem with my kids and life is great, to be she is a f&cking liar.
I had ferttility problems and after six years we finally got our one and only miracle. My heart will always ache for those who also struggling. But I still complain about motherhood…it’s tough and we NEED other mothers to support us. there is nothing wrong with complaining about talking about the hard times, we need to vent…in fact it makes us better moms.
I send my son to daycare even when I am home from school, I got out with my friends and leave him home with hubby, so I feel guilty? NOPE. I am a better mom when I have time to myself…other moms look down on that…but I don’t care… poop on them…LOL
I love everything about that comment, Karen! Thank you SO much!
It’s big deal to get published by HuffPo! Way to go!
The problem lies with the idiots who comment at HuffPo.
It is my opinion that many (not all) of them probably have Cheetos dust on their computer keyboards and call up to Mommy to turn up the heat when the basement gets cold.
I could go on (boy, could I go on!) , but you get the picture.
Besides if you made a bunch of Dumbasses like that mad, you know you’re doing it right.
Ha! I think you may be right on all counts- I do get the picture, and I really appreciate your comment! Thank you!
Love, love, love. Sharing!
BTW, I threw up a little #3 person’s comment. Puh-lease.
Thank you thank you THANK you for the share! And yeah, me too. :p
We complain all the time and obviously we’d die for our kids and wouldn’t trade this motherhood gig for all the world. I feel sorry for people who feel like they have to put that shiny face on all the time that can’t even acknowledge that it’s hard sometimes. Because it is. The end. It must be miserable for them. Honestly. We’ve just got to be real. I can’t cope any other way.
To be honest, and this may make us sound crazy, Ashley and I love haters and wish we had more. If you have a big enough readership, you are going to have people disagree…you have really “made it” when you get haters. We love them! (although they’d HATE to know that!!) –Lisa
OK, I LOVE that perspective! From now on, I will be grateful for my haters. I mean that sincerely, and not like a sarcastic A-hole, I promise! You girls always open my eyes to a new way of thinking. And I totally appreciate your support! xoxo
I thought your article was well done, and didn’t find it particularly disrespectful. This reaction was much more pointedly (and hurtfully) aimed, making it clear who is and is NOT welcome to your blog.
I wish it was that I’d gotten ahold of the wrong end of the stick.
Guess I’ll take Whoa Susannah’s excellent advice.
Aaaaaaand a rapid retraction of upset 🙂 Thanks for putting me straight on this.
*phew*
Glad we were able to straighten it out! 🙂 Thank goodness for the therapeutic value of Twitter. I do wish I’d made that a bit more clear- “All are welcome, even if I’m not here to be a voice for EVERYONE.”
Hey, I think your stuff is great! You tell it “like it is” –or, still is for me –it all translates to grandkids and I still don’t enjoy going to the the store with my children and they are 40!
Ha! Linda, that made me laugh! Thank you so much for that- that means a lot to me!
What an articulate, truthful,’ put it in perspective’ blog. “Well said” continued to surface in my head, paragraph after paragraph. I remember when TV viewers would call Dad and complain about a program content or airing time. His succint answer was, “Turn off the TV.” I only have one more comment: What is this about vacationing in South Da fuckin kota? Don’t you LOVE our state???!!!
You know I love it! The “fuckin'” is only further proof of my adoration for my former state of residence. And hats off to Dad, he really is a class act.
Holy fuck that was long!
That’s what she said!
Hahahaha! No, YOU shut up!
What? Oh, I’m not a mother at all, can I still read and comment on this blog?? One of the worst things about going viral is that there are idiots out there who are going to find fault with anything just to be difficult. Also, there are a lot of really really stupid and strange people in the world. I mean like OMG, was one of your parents a fucking kangaroo strange! Anyway, I very much dislike how thin skinned everyone has become and I refuse to completely play along with trying to make everyone happy. It can’t be done, and kudos to you for recognizing it and for knowing that not every reader is for you. It’s also hilarious to me how we can have 300 positive comments, some of which are amazing even, and one shitty one and we’ll dwell on the shitty one for days…lol. Whatever though. Wow, this coffee is strong….ok, bye now!
Oh, Don, you’re always welcome to read, comment, and make “That’s what she said” references on my blog, any day. Thanks for hanging in there for this long post- glad you had some strong coffee!
The most recent post I had on Huffington Post also received a lot of negative comments. I had such a tough time with it, and was a bit shocked that people would attack a mother whose child had cancer…I took the time to reply to every negative commenter to defend myself. I still believe in what I wrote, and I can see how it would not be perceived well by everyone. So be it. I am entitled to my opinion and the interesting thing was that anyone who had been in my situation completely agreed and applauded what I wrote. You are smart to roll your eyes, move on and not get bogged down by those commenters. The Huff Post loves controversial posts, but it can be so hard for the writer. I love your blog and your writing — never change a thing and stay true to yourself!!!
I cannot believe people would attack you on HuffPost like that! Well, I guess I can, but I really feel like a mom who’s writing about her child’s cancer should be off limits for mudslinging. I guess nobody is safe, eh? Good for you for taking the time to reply- you have integrity. Thank you so much for the positive feedback and encouragement- you are the best!
You’re so wonderful. First, congratulations again on getting on Huff Po. Seriously that’s awesome. This post is amazing and wonderful and I think that the people who write mean comments ARE assholes with too much time on their hands. Seriously who does that??? It’s weird and freaky and assholish and just dumb. I’m sorry that you had to deal with them but think you’ve got the perfect attitude. Anybody who says shit like “I never have those problems with my kids, and I would never say such things about them. My children are the light of my life.” obviously is a crackhead and I’m glad that you’re rolling your eyes at them.
Also – I love the bigger message of this post. The “Must we be continually shamed for not keeping things in perspective?” part. Because somebody will always have it worse. That doesn’t mean that we can’t complain about our situations – the ones that WE live.
xo
Thank yo so much for that- especially that last paragraph. It means a lot. (And thanks for being the first pair of eyes on this post- I am so grateful that I can count on you…)
L-O-V-E!!!! This is great. It really is amazing to me sometimes what people are willing to say from behind a keyboard. And, maybe this is just my inner rage talking, but I really wish that next to the Reply button there was a Throat Punch button. That would be lovely.
Yes! That totally needs to be a new thing: Like, Reply, or Throat Punch. Who do we need to present this idea to??? Thanks for the solidarity, my friend…
OK Stephanie. If I could come through this computer and give you a hug, I totally would! Instead, I will share this on every social media outlet instead. I agree with every word, and have had some heartbreaking experiences of my own in regards to this very issue. (I might just send you an email about all THAT) But, I love you even more for putting so eloquently what I tried to convey to people in my own life for so long. Love. Love. Love. 🙂
Meredith, thank you so so much for that comment. And expect a really long email back from me later today, ok? xoxo
It sounds like this post was cathartic for you. I hope you are feeling some relief. I am glad your blog exists for the purposes you state. I don’t know any mothers who enjoy every motherly duty and never need to vent. And venting together is just so much more effective!
Thanks, yes, it was definitely cathartic! 🙂
Congrats on the Huff Post piece. Brilliant.
Here’s the thing about the negative Nellies. They could be Nellies, they could be Neds and they could be 18 year old fellows typing away in a wee booth in Morocco. They type, they move on. To another blog. Their comments are there for us to read and fester over. I choose to NOT fester over them. I’m with you. Delete and move on.
None of my IRL mom pals are June Cleavers. We thrive on venting about our kids.
Write on Stephanie. Write on.
Oh, you are wise and brilliant, as always. What an excellent point- just as my writing may not “be for them,” their comments may similarly not be “there for me to read.” Beautiful insight. And thank you for the encouragement!
Listen Steph- your blog is about your point-of-view and it’s a valid one, even if not every single God damn lonely, sad, unheard, cranky, negative, pessimistic, humorless, frustrated, asshole idiot agrees with it. It’s SO easy to be mean. Real strength comes from speaking your mind in adversity, especially with a sense of humor. Like you.
Cheryl, that comment means the world to me. Thank you so much. xo
Nail. Head. Exactly.
And I love that: roll your eyes and move on. Duh, people!
Thank you, my dear friend.
AMEN Sista! I get so wrapped up in negative comments sometimes but then I remember why I’m doing this whole blogging thing, for me, duh. As long as you like, than you keep doing your thing.
Thanks for posting this, I think more people need to see it 🙂
I really appreciate your comment- thanks so much for the support and encouragement!
First of all, congratulations on the article! It’s wonderful. There will always be folks who are going to have something to say in the negative. It’s just the way things are today. It’s unfortunate. Best just to have your say, which you did here, and let them go on living their perfect and wonderful lives.
Yep, I think that’s all you can do! Thanks so much, Sandy!
You go girl! I LOVE the way you explained that you’re not always writing with EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. in mind. You can’t write for everyone. But you can try to be funny and hope that they get it.
Thanks for that- I’m so glad to hear that other people “get it.” 🙂
This is a FANTASTIC post.
Haters are gonna hate and you just can’t let them bring you down.
I got 99 problems but “perfect” parenting ain’t one!
Ha! Thanks so much for that!
Hi Stephanie,
Your blog was the first ever I subscribed to. I love your approach to motherhood & I absolutely without a doubt love reading your stories. I will admit when some of them don’t pertain to my life I don’t read them and sometimes I do. I like that you put out there what some mothers, myself included, won’t say out loud. And like you said you can’t please everyone out there, but why would you want to. Keep up the good work.
Thanks.
Oh, Kristy, thank you so much for that comment. It really means a lot to me- I appreciate your candor! 🙂
Oh, mean comments are so hard. I still remember my first one and feeling so miserable, because it made me question myself…. I think part of what makes mommy bloggers such good mommies {well, most of us} is that we think deeply about parenting. We think about ambivalence and feminism and the hard parts and the lovely parts and we meditate on meaning…. It’s not spewing mean things about kids for fun…. it’s serving a purpose, as you describe. I think what I am seeing in all these posts that get nasty comments is that it seems it’s okay to say that parenting is hard, challenging, etc., but to complain or, god forbid, admit there is something we don’t like about motherhood or our children violates part of that good mother myth. It makes people uncomfortable. It makes them confront their own ambivalence. They feel threatened. And they lash out. Psych 101. You’ve handled it well, my friend – you are not writing for everyone, nor can you. As one of my favorite professors from my teaching program said, “Jesus couldn’t reach them all, what makes you think YOU can?”
Ah, thanks, my wise friend. Your feedback means so much to me! 🙂
loved your blog (as always!) You tell ’em Steph!
Thank you, my friend! xoxo
Yes, YES, YES!!!! If we can complain about anything why do we have to feel guilty about the child that literally and honestly just shit down my leg. On my clean pants mind you. The only gratitude with that was I had pants on!!! I’m with you, don’t like what I have to say then roll your eyes and carry on. Why are you wasting your valuable time to read something that either doesn’t apply to your life or that is not something you are comfortable reading? Why should a mom who is on the brink feel guilty about those who are childless feeling? I get empathy and I have it. But I also have my breaking point where I am not only allowed to vent but find humor in.
Bravo to you for finding the humor and the understanding that those who don’t ‘get’ you can just roll their eyes.
Kerri, I love that comment! Especially the shitty pants part. 😉 Thanks so much for the solidarity, and for sharing on Twitter, too!
Such a well written post here Stephanie… good for YOU. I loved all the responses to it too! It makes me so sad that there are people out there that feel the need to throw their negative shadow everywhere they go…
It sure seems like Huffpo has quite a few wolves that come out to play when so many of my blogging friends publish over there. I still say, it comes with the gig- so embrace the good stuff ONLY- now that you have addressed the bad stuff.
Congrats on two TWO posts well done!
Thank you so much, Chris! Yes, from what I understand, it does come with the gig. Hopefully if it happens again, I’ll have an even easier time of just brushing it off. Thanks for the support!
Your Huff Post piece was great, but this is even better. I think you made your point clearly and respectfully – I nodded the whole time I was reading. I don’t have any haters (that have identified themselves), but if and when I do I hope I handle them as well as you have, Stephanie.
Wow, Dana, thank you so much for that. That means a lot to me!
I think that’s the society we become to live in. I love watching shows like makeover shows and do over shows. I’m surprised that how many people who call the show themselves to get help to redo the whatever (the salon the restaurant the drive thru) get angry and tell the person who’s trying to help them, how dare you tell me how to run my business. As if the guy came in off the street randomly and said your business sucks and I’m going to fix it. Ultimately you just have to move on roll your eyes and move on because the Haters are going to hate.
April, you are SO right! That’s such a great point about those ridiculous irate people on the reality shows! Thanks for that comment!
Bring it, woman! You’re doing just fine, mighty fine!
Why thank you, my friend!
Well said! I completely agree. If you don’t like it, don’t read it! We are all entitled to our opinion and, if you disagree, there is no reason to leave a crappy comment.
Congrats on the HuffPo piece! I would love to get something on there, but I’m also terrified of being crucified! 🙂
Thanks, Lisa- I appreciate that! And I totally understand your apprehension- can’t say that I blame you. Perhaps if you select a post that pretty much says, “I love my kids so much and motherhood is awesome,” you’d be safe. Nah, probably not even then! 😉
I have only been blogging for a few months, with mainly friends as my readers so I don’t know how it feels to get the negative comments BUT I imagine it’s not nice. I agree with you, you are writing for an audience and those commenters were not the intended audience but perhaps some negative is a good thing as it has brought some more attention to you and your blog and hopefully some new readers who like your perspectives.
THIS is freaking awesome and you are the type of blogger/mom I have the utmost respect for. Why? Because you are honest and not afraid to say “Look, I am a mom. My blog is not going to be for those who don’t have kids. It’s cool if you don’t but you should know right off the bat I am not likely to be your cup of tea.” That I respect.
And even though I don’t have kids, I am much more likely to be interested in your stories than the mommies who appear to have all their shit together but do not seem to be honest or real.
Kim, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment and perspective. Thank you so much for sharing that!
We live in a self centered “me” generation. Everyone is perfect to themselves, and everyone else is worthless pile of crap. They have no intestinal fortitude, only soft feelings that are offended at the least little ruffling of feathers. Let’s be blunt, “The Hell with them if they don’t like it!” See, we know they’re not perfect, even if they don’t realize it themselves. I won’t even go to Huffpost and comment anymore, simply because of the arrogant asses that reside there and feel as though they’re Gods because they’ve been classified as a “Super Commenter” They’ll never be back, so don’t worry about them. I return the compassion they give to them, which means I have nothing to give to them of value. I’ve read you for quite some time. Even though I’m not your “target” group member, it doesn’t mean I can’t respect your opinions and feelings. Yes, the channel can be turned if one doesn’t like it. The sad thing is that most of those that commented negatively probably don’t have the intelligence to figure out how to operate the remote control. Well done!
Ah, thank you Rich. You know I always respect your opinion, and it’s nice to hear from people that are NOT my “target audience.” You bring a lot of wisdom to your comments, so thanks!
I agree with the “roll your eyes and move on” approach. I have read several things on blogs that I disagreed with or thought that the person was a bit over the top so I just didn’t comment on their post. On the other side, I don’t let what others say bother me too much. I don’t have time for anyone I feel is ignorant. Just continue to be you and don’t worry about the haters, there will always be haters. Also, you are getting readers so that is a plus also.
Thanks for commenting, Mike. I just read something that I found wildly offensive this morning, and it didn’t even occur to me to leave a comment. What’s the point? I just closed the page and moved on. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
I read your piece on Huff Po, I saw most of the comments, and I’ve received my fair share of negativity because of something I’ve written. You said it BEST when you said: “I’m not writing for THOSE mothers.” Exactly. And your whole first paragraph about the “traditional” mother? That’s what everyone who is too afraid to admit the truth–that we’re all flawed and struggle at times–wants the world to believe motherhood is.
To you I say HATS OFF for this articulate response to ASSHOLES. See, I’m not as articulate as you. Why the eff are they reading Huff Parents if they’re not parents? To troll articles like yours and be bigger ASSHOLES? Yes. Probably
To them I say shut the fuck up. If having children is so perfectly perfect, then why are they wasting time on the Internet? Shouldn’t they be ironing bed sheets or pitching baseballs in the back yard? Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion and to say the things they said to you just because they don’t AGREE with it makes them an asshole of the worst kind: judgmental and closed-minded.
I swear I’m not always this ranty.
I am grinning from ear to ear. Thank you SO much for that comment. Totally made my day. xoxo to you!
When I was planning to write my FTSF post I spoke to Jean who mentioned I should read this and that this post is spectacular, that’s the word she had used. I knew it was going to be, and OMG, this is Stephanie at her BEST. Such a crystal clear view of what so many of us mom bloggers set out to do with our blogs. Such poignant and wise writing. I know there’s a slim chance these HuffPost Rottweilers are reading your blog, but today I so wish they were. Just for a few minutes. You’re brilliant, Steph.
Ah, thank you my friend. My face lit up when I saw your comment. xoxo
Wow! What an awesome response, Stephanie! I was so angry to read some of the comments that people made! Just ridiculous!!
And, do people still expect mothers to behave like that described in the first paragraph?! I would knock on those heads and say, hello! This isn’t the 1960’s, people!!
I absolutely love this! and your original article. I posted it and shared it on all my sites. I can’t believe you got so much grief about it. The day I came across it, I literally just came home from a very stressful day out running errands with the kids. I immediately put them down for a nap and turned on my computer to drown my sorrows. I was just about to post on FB that I am never going out again with the kids anywhere, EVER! To hopefully get some advice and sympathy from my friends. Before I could do that I scrolled and came across your article. It literally brought tears to my eyes, because it felt so good to know that I wasn’t the only one going through this. I knew right away (by your picture) that you were a mom just like me that loved your kids to the moon and back, but everyday tasks with them are just unbearable. I love my kids to pieces and I feel guilty that I feel this way sometimes, but your article made me feel that it was ok to say things like that out loud because its the truth. Shopping with them is hard, mealtimes are a battle, tantrums are an every day occurrence…IT’S NOT EASY. So anyway, thank you. Thank you so much for your article. I think about it every day as I take care of my 2yr old and 9 month, it keeps me motivated.
This comment made my day, Violet. If I could hope to achieve anything with something I write, it’s what you just described. Thank you for taking the time to share that with me! xo
I honestly think that when someone criticizes something so vehemently and inexplicably, it’s often because the thing they are criticizing resonates with a part of them which makes them uncomfortable and which they are failing to recognize, acknowledge and own up to. I’m willing to bet that many of the people who were so hateful to you are probably in denial about their own doubts and shortcomings as parents. It’s easier to hate on you and your blog than for them to look in the mirror. Keep it up, Stephanie. Your blog is a beacon of light and laughter in my crazy, hazy days of toddler tyranny. 🙂
Can’t tell you how much that made my day. xoxo
“Must we be continually shamed for not keeping things in perspective?”
AMEN! If we vent about our kids, it’s being ungrateful. If we say one nice thing about our kids, it’s bragging. Some people love to criticize everything and anything. I just give them a big eye roll. xoxo
Thank you so much for that comment, JD! Made my day! 🙂
I just read your ‘5 Signs You May (or May Not) Be Pregnant’ and it cracked me up! You’re so funny.
Although I am trying to conceive, if I took the ‘early signs of pregnancy symptoms’ seriously – then I must be pregnant ALL THE TIME! Bloating, back ache, food cravings, (eeep, even gassy), tired, peeing a lot.. and the list goes on… I always seem to have all the signs of pregnancy, even when I’m not expecting my period!
Thanks for putting a smile on my face 🙂
Actually – just realised I posted this against the wrong article (!) – Can you please move it to a more relevant place?!
Thanks 🙂
I wish I was savvy enough to be able to move it! Even if it’s in the “wrong” place, I really appreciated your comment- thanks so much!
This is my first time visiting this blog and I absolutely loved your response. Were you on a debate team 😉
Seriously though, good response. I never understood why people would disagree so disrespectfully. It’s totally okay to not agree with everything; just close your browser.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, and it’s tough to hear even among the toughest of us. I think you handled it well, and I couldn’t help but agree with everything you responded with.
I spotted this post after I came across a mean comment to a new blog of mine. I started it as a giveaway and future product review blog and I will throw in the occasional random post. I just got some mean comment today that said “I am unliking your page because I have no need for your useless blog.” I deleted it and blocked the person and it made me wonder – who has any need to bother with saying something mean about things like that?