*Warning: This post is primarily about poop. I won’t be offended if you decide to skip it.
Last night my daughter had her best friend over after school. The girls rode the bus home together, played happily in the front yard, thanks to the unseasonably warm weather, and even ate a respectable portion of homemade chicken noodle soup. As soon as said friend was picked up, I sat down to enjoy my own dinner. My toddler wanted nothing to do with the meal, which was not shocking, and instead sucked down a tube of applesauce. Appetizing, no? Wait. It gets worse.
The moment Izzy’s friend left, a stormcloud of whining was unleashed upon us. My daughter, who normally does her math homework the minute she gets home, wanted it done immediately.
“I’m going to put on my pajamas and do my homework!” she announced. I reminded her that she hadn’t bathed or showered in three days, and it was time. Cue the toddleresque temper tantrum. I tried to reason with her, offer a few choices, and finally, over the screeching and tears, pointed out that if she’d just gotten in the shower when I’d asked, she could be doing her homework already. Pouting, she climbed the stairs, requesting that Daddy accompany her.
Score! That meant uninterrupted dinner for Mommy! My soup was the perfect temperature, and warm butter melted on top of bread that was fresh from the oven. I sat down.
“I need pee, Mommy!” my toddler announced. Of course. I crammed a bite of bread in my mouth, sighed, and arrived in the bathroom just seconds behind her. Seconds too late. She had pooped, but must have just missed the hole in her tiny potty chair, as evidenced by the unpleasant lump on the side of her seat.
“Oh, dammit,” I swore, noticing that Sophie’s fingers were also contaminated. I picked her up, still swearing, and tried to sudse her hands under the faucet. Setting her down, I felt something icky on my pantleg. That was when I put the pieces together- Sophie must have sat down on top of her mess; not only was there poop on my sweater and jeans, it was also stuck to her leg and bottom.
Cue the F-bombs and JCs. Bellowing for my husband, I tucked Sophie under my arm like a football and hauled her up the stairs. I barged into the bathroom where my oldest daughter was showering, stripped off both our sets of clothing, and hopped in next to her, much to her great chagrin.
“Poop!” I sputtered to my husband. “It’s everywhere! It’s all over us! It’s all over the bathroom! My clothes… the floor… the toilet…” I babbled unintelligibly, and my bewildered husband got straight to work doing Code Brown HazMat while I aimed my daughter’s hindquarters at the shower stream, prison-style.
The alternate title for this post was, “How I Started Eating My Dinner and Instead Ended Up in the Shower Covered in Poop with Both of My Children.”
I believe this unpleasant incident is karmic retribution for the smugness I experienced when my husband was the parent selected to supervise the shower. Lesson learned. Never rejoice when your spouse winds up stuck doing the high-maintenance parenting. You just might unleash Fecal Armageddon.
Or maybe the moral of the story is, just when you think your human dignity has been stripped as bare as possible by the demands of parenting, think again. If you think popping up every 30 seconds to refill someone’s milk or grab a sponge is annoying, imagine having your meal interrupted by the Poopocalypse. When it comes to a bad parenting day, my motto is: It can always get worse.
This is too funny and also too reminiscent of a few incidents I have experienced with any 1 of my 4 Kiddies…aaaah the joys of Mommahood! 🙂
Yep, the joys of motherhood! 🙂
Oh, my, how I love your blogs. They make me laugh, cause me to remember decades ago, and most importantly, revel in the parenting episodes that you so succinctly depict.
Thanks, Mom. Just think, next week you can LIVE it!
Poopocalypse! Perfect name for what you experienced. Yikes. Yet another reminder of the delights I’ve experienced as a mom. You’re absolutely right: It can always get worse. At least you weren’t dressed to go out – that would ramp things up even more, no?
So true, Kelly. In fact, I was probably in my pajamas! Thanks for your comment !
Oh, I remember those days!!! Fortunately, we are beyond the days of the Poopocalypse, but I have been there. There will come a day when your family takes precisely 8 minutes to scarf down the meal you so diligently prepared, then they run off to play or watch TV or whatever and you are left there alone with your food. It is not as great as it might sound, but it is better than poop! 🙂
Yeah, that definitely sounds better than poop! My 7 yo has already begun the scarf and run practice. My husband and I kind of love it when they finish eating and leave us to enjoy our meal in peace!
It CAN always get worse. For sure!! I ate dinner after the kids were in bed tonight. I was complaining to my husband that my food was too hot and I kept burning my mouth. He replied simply, “No, it’s probably just a normal temperature and you’re just not used to it.” Ha. I can so relate to every word of this post, and Poopocalypse made me LOL. 🙂
That is so funny- I’m sure he was right. We are so used to tepid food!
I totally do not miss those days at all. I empathize and can now laugh as well as the misfortune.. but it took a while to recover from the trauma of it all when my boys were younger. At least you have a girl for you to jump in with right…
That’s a very good point- showering is efficient with all girls! 😉 Glad you are beyond the “poop” years!
The joys of Schadenfreude are many so don’t forgo them yet! Since I was usually the one mopping up after my son when he as a baby/toddler … and my husband out of town … my all-time favorite parenting story is when my boy started projectile vomiting in the car AFTER they’d dropped me at the airport for a week long trip to NYC. Score!
To be sure, trying to eat dinner and instead ending up covered in poop is … gross. But that which disgusts us gives us plenty to blog about! Huzzah!
Schadenfreude is both one of my favorite words and pastimes! 😉 And that airport puking story is priceless- ha!
I am DYING laughing!! Especially at the end about the parent doing the high-maintenance jobs…BWAH HA HA HA, that is SO TRUE!! Love it! I remember the days of toddler poop and truly do not wish to ever return there! ;)-Ashley
Yeah, that’ll teach me, huh? 😀
Hahahah I can just imagine the horror of having poop scattered all over! LMAO
but she looks so darn cute! you would not imagine that face being the master of Poopocalypse. 😀
I know- her cuteness is the ultimate deception!
“prison style” Lol. OMG. I think this exact scenario has happened more often than my brain cares to unearth. In fact, just yesterday I found a frickin’ turd in the wash machine that had made it through the whole cycle! I had to dispose of it (chanting “please let this be a rock, please let this be a rock”) and wash the whole load over again. who puts undies in the laundry with a crap IN them? Boys. That’s who.
This post was HYSTERICAL, Stephanie. Perfection. you are so funny!
Aw, thanks, Beth! Glad you liked my prison reference! And I had to laugh at the washing machine turd- I have no doubt that has happened to us, too! Yuck! And yeah, pretty much- BOYS would do that. 🙁
OMG it is funny but not funny at the same time. Honest and open, thanks for the share 🙂
Thanks! It is totally funny and NOT all at once. :/
I not only love your alternate title, but “poopocolypse” and “fecal armageddon” are the best words ever. If it makes you feel any better, I once had to make a very humbling phone call to Stanley Steemer professional carpet and couch cleaning services to try to save our couch from a very poopy nightmare. Needless to say, it didn’t work.
Bwahaha! That is awesome, Emily. And glad you liked my multiple poop references. Sheesh. 🙂
Ha, I wrote about pee behind the potty today, you wrote about poop next to it. You win, madam.
Ha! I’ll go check that out. And… lucky me? 😉
oh you’re not the first, or last, to be crapped on by your kids! Mine are grown and I try to let gramma take care of the grandbaby in this area when she visits….
Oh, Stephanie – you tell an awesome poop story! I particularly like all your words to describe the incident – poopocalypse and Fecal Armageddon are my favorites. I bet there’s a band in a basement somewhere with one of those names.
Snort! Those are awesome band names… Glad you liked my poop story! 😀
This is hilarious! Yes, indeed karmic retribution for feeling smug about having a lovely meal in peace. Also? SO feeling this. My son is having pooping issues this week. As in, we’ve been in the shower every day for the past six with the exception of one. I’m cleaner than I have been in four years though, so there’s that…
Oh, suck. So you get it, huh? Glad you could laugh in spite of your frequent showering! 😉
The alternative title you mentioned is exactly what I can’t stand about being a parent! Why do they always do this when we’re eating?!
That is all.
So funny. Love the line: Code Brown HazMat and the prison style bum washing. Had me laughing all the way Steph.
I am NOT looking forward to potty training. My husband hasn’t done a diaper in, shoot, I don’t know…2 years? And when he “assists” with dirty diaper changes, he often has to leave the room to “calm himself.” I’m not joking. And don’t get me started on vomit. So potty training a stubborn 2 y/o by myself? It can wait. HA!!!!
P.S. I see you have a potty. Do you recommend getting one? Because my daughter WILL NOT sit on the toilet, even with a Dora seat on it. But I’m reluctant to get a potty because I don’t know if it’ll make a difference??
Oh man! Am I glad I found your blog (Thanks to the Dose Girls) This is great! I can relate all too well being that my little man is in the potty training phase himself! The real question is, were you able to eat after???!!!! LOL! Thanks for sharing! ~Leah~
Thank you so much Leah! I will give the Dose Girls a big virtual hug! I appreciate your comment! 🙂