Dear Mom,
So many things have surprised me about motherhood. It is more beautiful and more rewarding than I could have ever anticipated, and the depth of love I feel for my two daughters is more ferocious than anything I have ever experienced. Of course, it’s also more complicated, exhausting, and frustrating than I ever could have imagined. It’s interesting how much my own motherhood has caused me to reflect on my relationship with you.
My perspective now as the mother of two daughters has made me ponder what it was like for you to be a parent of young children. Over a year ago, I interviewed you about your experience as a stay at home mom in the 1980s- I felt fascinated by the differences in our lives as parents, and I was very curious to hear how you perceived motherhood when my brother and I were young. I promised to someday turn that conversation into a book, and one of these years I will make it happen.
The truth is, generational differences notwithstanding, you and I are very different mothers in many ways. You stayed home, I go to work part-time. You volunteered, were active in the PTA and other organizations, and knew everything about the inner workings of my school, and I couldn’t identify which kids were in my daughter’s second grade classroom if my life depended on it. I divorced my first husband and remarried when my daughter was three years old; you and Dad have been married for over 40 years.
I have done a lot of things differently, and for a time I worried that I would be a disappointment in your eyes, that I could never live up to the type of mother that you were. I spend a lot more time on my own than you did- I teach in the mornings, go to the gym or to yoga class during the week, I often meet girlfriends for lunch or drinks, I pursue my writing aspirations, and I put my toddler in childcare even when I am not working a full day. I don’t ever remember a time you when weren’t there for me- I knew I could count on you for anything from an afternoon snack to a listening ear after a difficult day of school.
Even when I was older– a teenager having surgery, a college student with mono– you were always by my side when I was frightened or in pain. I remember all the nights you sat up with me when I had gallbladder attacks as a seventeen year old, and how you were with me at every single appointment, reading ridiculous stories out of a magazine while we waited for the tedious tests to be completed. When I was a college senior, you drove over four hours in the middle of the night to be with me when I needed a spinal tap. Do you remember how I looked at you when you arrived, through the haze of Demerol, and said, “You have the most beautiful eyes!”?
You were endlessly patient in my memory- I can only remember you losing your cool when the incessant arguing between my brother and me had pushed you to your breaking point. Patience is not my strongest quality as a parent. While I recall you using profanity only a handful of times before my teenage years, anyone living under my roof (and anyone who has ever been in the presence of my toddler dropping an F-bomb) can attest to the fact that expletives are unfortunately part of the vernacular around these parts, especially during a hectic morning.
Did you play with us? I don’t remember. Maybe you didn’t have to, as we were close enough in age to amuse one another. Whether or not you spent time on the floor playing Cabbage Patch Kids or rather reaped the benefits of the 1980s culture and told us to go away and be home before dinner, you certainly play with my children now. As soon as your suitcases hit the carpet, you are upstairs playing school with my second grader or putting puzzles together with my toddler. Even now, your capacity for selflessness and nurturing astounds me.
You and Dad never pressured me to excel in school, though you always celebrated my successes and came to every single concert, award ceremony, and special event I was involved in. In fact, you still do that. You attend so many of your granddaughter’s special (and ridiculously long) events, and I’ll never forget how you surprised me last year when I performed in Listen To Your Mother. Your presence is still so essential and comforting, and now my daughters crave it, too. They both squeal with delight when I tell them that Grammy is coming soon.
The Surprise Reunion
Thanks to your mantra that my brother and I should only “do the best that we could,” I never felt that I needed to be the best to win your approval, yet your approval has always been so deeply important to me. Even as an adult, I still feel that disappointing you would be unbearable, and I hope that even though my path has been different than yours, you are still proud of me as a parent and a person. I know that you are.
I’m struck by the fact that, though seemingly everything has changed, so many things have stayed the same. Not only do I still seek your approval and care deeply about your opinions, I am in awe of how much I truly need you still. When I am struggling with self-doubt, a chaotic day of parenting, problems at home, or feeling overwhelmed, I choose to call you. You still are able to calm me down, reassure me, and understand me better than almost anyone in my life. I am so grateful to have your love and support; whenever I call you in distress, you make yourself available to me, and the longevity of that commitment of support is mind-boggling. Who else in our lives has the kind of wherewithal and devotion to spend decades supporting, consoling, and loving us besides our mothers?
I genuinely enjoy spending time together. I like going on vacation with you. I like talking to you. I am happy and relaxed when you are staying at my house. I realize that not everyone feels that way about their mother, and I sincerely hope my own daughters feel the same way about me someday.
Vacation with Grammy and Papa.
Although I am acutely aware of the ways in which I have strayed from the particular brand of motherhood I experienced as a child, I also know that I have inherited so many of the important things you taught me, and I integrate those qualities into my own life as a mother. Like you, I am endlessly affectionate and openly supportive to my children. Like you, I am ready to talk to them, listen to them, and help them process the things that frustrate them as well as celebrate their beautiful, small victories. Like you, I snuggle with my daughters daily- remember how I started every morning by crawling into your lap in the recliner for years? Like you, I read with them and have taught them to love both books and music. Like you, I excel at nurturing, comforting, and making my daughters feel cherished and safe. And really- what is more important than that?
Although I try to incorporate unconditional love into all my relationships, it’s quite possible that the love I feel for my daughters is the first time I have loved without strings, without criticism, without conditions. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of complaints about our day-to-day lives together, and endless gripes about the little things they do that drive me crazy. But this doesn’t impact my love for them. And do you know what’s even more amazing? Now that I am a mother, capable of experiencing this type of love, I am finally able to grasp that I am loved unconditionally as well- by you. One of the most humbling aspects of motherhood is to realize that you are the object of someone’s perfect love. I fully realize that the way I love my children is the way that you love me, and I will be forever grateful for that.
So thank you, Mom. For setting the bar high, for teaching me how to love and give of myself, for accepting me in spite of my flaws, for celebrating our differences, and most importantly, for teaching me about unconditional love. It is the most beautiful gift you could have ever given me. Happy Mother’s Day.
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This post is part of Finish the Sentence Friday.
This week’s sentence was, “Dear Mom…”
Next week’s sentence is, “The nicest thing someone ever did for me was…”
Your hosts:
Kerri Ames is joining us as a co-host and suggested this week’s sentence!
Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kristi at Finding Ninee
Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?
Link up with us below, and share your favorite posts with #FTSF!
What a beautiful note to your mom and am seriously loving all the lovely sentiments to our moms tonight. Happy Mother’s Day to you, Stephanie 😉
Happy Mother’s Day to you too Janine!
So wonderful! First of all, your mom is stunning in that orange outfit holding the baby. She is definitely very stylish! I loved all of these photos and could relate to SO much of what you said about following a different path (I was divorced and then remarried too and my parents have been together for over 40 years) but still carrying with you all of the things you learned even though she may have done it a little differently logistically. I also have a mom who blends right in when she visits and it feels very comfortable when she is in our house. We are lucky in that way since I know many people who don’t feel the same. Happy Mother’s day to you!
I didn’t realize we had so much in common, Susan! Not that I’m shocked… we seem to be kindred spirits. 🙂 Thanks for your comment, and I agree, my mom is definitely beautiful. 🙂 🙂
What a wonderful post! Great to see how your Mom influenced you as you were growing up, and still influences you today!
Thanks, Anna! She definitely still does.
OMG BAWLING. Again. You so did this, and so did this right. I want to know your mom. I want to hug her for all of the things, for coming to LTYM, for raising you and your brother, for always playing with the girls when she comes, for all of it. This is amazing and gorgeous and absolutely fabulous. Viral. now. Love.
Oh, thank you SO much. It felt cathartic to write it. She is wonderful, and you would love her. And she would love you, too. xo
Oh Stephanie, I love the line that your mom taught you how to be a mom. A mom who is different than the one she was yet the same at the core. Your mom gave you wings, to be trite, yet kept you grounded. Wonderful gift to your mom. To acknowledge her worth and her teachings.
Although I cracked up at not knowing the kids in your child’s grade. It seems I am more in line with you than your mom 🙂
Thanks, Kerri- you came up with a great sentence to finish today!
You have made someone very happy today. Your mom. What a lovely tribute to her. Unconditional love is the best kind. Your mom’s unconditional love for you shines right through this entire piece. I wish a very Happy Mother’s Day to both you and your mom!
Thanks, Kelly- and yes, my mom was very happy reading this today. 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day to you, too!
So beautiful! You sound like you have a similar relationship to your mom that I had with mine…I too felt like I needed my mom even as an adult and I wasn’t sure how I was going to navigate this past year without her. Somehow we muddled through and I do believe she armed me with 48 years of unconditional love, which in turn gave me strength to be there for my son who was ill, as well as my other two boys who needed me just as much if not more so. Your mom must be so proud of you and so happy to read such a warm and loving letter…happy mother’s day to you both!!
Thanks, Emily- I agree, our relationships with our mothers seem very similar. Your post today was so unbelievably moving. Much love to you!
How cool you got to interview your mom about her experience. Truly, being a mom changes everything for sure. I never felt more vulnerable than I do now. Sounds like you have a great relationship w/ your mom.
You are so right- the vulnerability that comes with motherhood is really unexpected. And I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my mom!
Wow Stephanie, just wow. What an amazing tribute and you are so lucky to have you mother, and what an example she set for all mothers. The part that really got me – “I fully realize that the way I love my children is the way that you love me.” Love that.
Thank you so much for that, Allie. I really appreciate it, and I do feel very lucky!
Wow, “we are the object of someone’s perfect love”. Isn’t that awesome? Nothing broke my heart more than hearing the words, “I am very disappointed in you” which came from caught in lies during my terrible teen years. I can honestly say I only heard it once or twice maybe once from each parent and never wanted to hear it again. I love you and your mom’s differences in motherhood and how you are both so incredible as you are.
Thank you so much for that comment, Kenya. I totally agree- the disappointment seems unbearable! Luckily, like you, I didn’t feel it vey often.
sniffles…each one of these posts makes me cry even more. What a great letter to your mom…love the pictures….sniffles
Oh, I know! I am a mess reading all these letters today…
What a touching tribute to your mom! You’ve put a lump in my throat and I’m sure your mom shed some tears reading this. I can so relate to constantly comparing yourself to your mom and feeling like you’re losing in this comparison. I often think of the fact that I can’t remember my mom EVER losing patience, whereas me, well… I loved your mom’s mantra “do the best YOU can.” I think it is incredibly wise. I have been doing that but sort of non-deliberately. It’s very reassuring reading your personal feedback and testimony on what this approach did for you, Steph. I can’t wait to read that interview turned into. I have every confidence you’ll pull this one off and no one better to write it than you!
Thank you, my friend. Yes, my mom and I both shed some tears over this one today. 🙂
This was so beautiful! I actually teared up and might have sniffled. Your mom is a great lady and she is gorgeous, i love all of her outfits. Stylin’ mama you got there.
She is totally stylin’. She would also love to read that comment. Thanks, Ryan!
Dang it! I wish everyone would stop making me cry with these posts today!! 🙂 What a lovely tribute to your mom~
I know! I have been crying all morning…
This is an AMAZING post Stephanie. Your mother sounds wonderful, and I loved reading about the differences between then and now, especially because I was also a child of the ’80’s with a mother who stayed at home and was extremely actively involved in volunteering at my school. Happy Mother’s Day to you and your mom.-Ashley
Thank you so much, Ashley! Happy Mother’s Day to you, too!
Steph, you said it all. And said it so we’ll! My mom was nothing like your mom, but I kept thinking of her as I read your post. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is the greatest gift we’re ever given or give. Thank you for this personal, yet universal, tribute on Mother’s Day :). Hugs, MBG
Oh, thanks so much for commenting, Mary Beth- it means a lot! Happy Mother’s Day to you, too- another compassionate, giving, fabulous mother!
Crying again. It was this line that got me: “One of the most humbling aspects of motherhood is to realize that you are the object of someone’s perfect love.” It is definitely humbling, and it’s such a wonderful feeling. It’s just a shame that we don’t realize it until we are mothers ourselves. I love your letter, Stephanie – I related to much of what you said about your relationship with your mom. We are very lucky to have such wonderful mothers; I hope our children feel the same way when they are grown.
What a beautiful and generous soul your mum has. I loved reading this letter. I think you look a lot like your mum too! I’m also surprised by how much I need my mum. Happy happy Mothers’ Day to both you and her. xx
I got a little choked up reading this; it is such a beautiful tribute to your mother. I loved where you said that from her, you learned how to love your kids without conditions. *sniff*
What a beautiful letter and tribute to your mom. Your mom is awesome. I’ve been able to see that in your past posts and the fact that you can vacation with your mom and enjoy it still blows my mind.
I love this. A lot of it reflects how I feel about my own mother and our relationship.
Happy Mother’s Day, my eloquent friend!