As the mother of two young daughters, I have always patted myself on the back for not neglecting my personal marital time (that means “sex life”, in code, in case my grandma reads this). But I’d be lying if I said our intimacy hadn’t been tainted by our parental status. In fact, I think he may kick me out of bed if I slip up one more time and accidentally reveal the fact that I have been pondering the school lunch menu while he’s trying to seduce me.
If only there was a special pill I could take at the end of a long day of parenting, one that would help me to tune out all the chatter in my mind about math homework, pull-ups, the dwindling supply of teething tablets, and the pee-soaked socks lying in the hall way. If only….
Introducing MOMBIEN!
~Do you find you are unable to prevent yourself from blurting out inappropriate mom-related oddities during intimate moments?
~Is your husband tired of hearing you interrupt foreplay to ask if there are any gluesticks in the house for your daughter’s school project?
~Have you ever alerted your partner to the malfunctioning sippy cup you need him to look at, just as he is attempting to fondle your mom-parts?
~Look no further! Put a stop to these embarrassing moments with MOMBIEN, the brand new drug that eliminates parental distractions and gets mama in the mood for some lovin’! Pop just one MOMBIEN to free your mind of clutter, fire up your libido, and hop into the sack with your sex-starved husband!
Are you “touched” out after a long day of toting around the barnacle that is your toddler? Does the idea of one more pair of hands groping you make you want to lock yourself in the minivan with a box of wine? If you have suffered through a long day of nursing, potty-training, and picking up Legos, all you need is one MOMBIEN and you’re ready for action! Those bothersome personal boundaries and pent-up irritations will be a thing of the past.
It may not turn you into a sex goddess, but at least you won’t be a Mombie.
Wondering whether there’s a special pill just for your husband? Have no fear- men are fully equipped with their own built-in system for eliminating parental distractions. It’s called a penis.
*Originally appeared In the Powder Room
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Oh, super!
Not sure how I missed this on ITPR, but glad you reposted here. I can definitely relate to having a brain that is multitasking when it shouldn’t be!
AH, where can I get my prescription filled?!
I remember this and still LOVE it. I think I might need some of this Mombien stuff. Or maybe more sleep. Or some nachos. I definitely need something though…
Ha! Just what I need. 🙂
Wondering whether there’s a special pill just for your husband? Have no fear- men are fully equipped with their own built-in system for eliminating parental distractions. It’s called a penis.
I’m attending to my parental duties just fine with a fully functional penis, thank you.
The tired crusty old stereotypes do fathers absolutely no good, especially those of us that are actually cooking, cleaning, and getting shit done. If you don’t believe me, I will get some real women, including my wife, to vouch for me.
And before anyone asks, my wife’s stock answer is something along the lines of “You can’t have him- he’s mine.”
Thank you for your comment! I was wondering when a husband would chime in! To clarify– my husband does just as much cleaning, cooking, and household work as I do, if not more. He is equally as engaged with our kids, playing with them, picking them up, bathing them, etc. I would never suggest that men are less involved parents. My point is simply that I think men may have an easier time temporarily disengaging from their responsibilities when they are actually having sex. I doubt that my husband is thinking about laundry detergent when in bed with me. Do you agree that men may tend to focus more on sex during the actual act? Then I’m sure they go right back to being helpful and involved partners. For the record, my husband is pretty amazing, too.
Disengagement from all the details is next to nearly impossible for me! Mombien would be amazing or maybe just an off duty switch to thoroughly enjoy sexy time with my wonderful papabeast! Him? No problems holding things down in or out of bed, no mental hamster wheel whatsoever!