As I drove to work this morning, inexplicably crying and angrily shouting, “F*ckmonkey!” at the idiotic drivers around me, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Get a grip, Stephanie, I scolded myself. What’s the matter with you?
Then it dawned on me. It was Cycle Day 28. I officially had PMS. Why, after over 20 years experience with my own menstrual cycle, was this such a surprise to me? I am not kidding- every single month I experience this perplexing whirlwind of maladaptive coping skills in the days leading up to the onset of my period. I feel as though I am losing my grip on my sanity, and I have clearly already lost my grip on my emotions. And every single month I cannot for the life of me figure out what is going on.
Perhaps I should start marking it in my iPhone calendar- Hello, Stephanie! It’s Cycle Day 25! Brace yourself for a bumpy ride to crazy town!
Here’s another thing: I don’t think I experienced this nausea-inducing rollercoaster ride with as much intensity prior to this year. It seems that the birth of my second child and her subsequent weaning have left me with the worst cycles of my entire life. Is this some sort of joke? I’ve given birth to two children- clearly I am tired and in need of some extra TLC, but no! Instead I get the wrath of God every 28 days. Where is the justice?
Anyway…in case I am not alone in this alarming lack of self-awareness, let me give you some helpful markers as a guide, lest you suspect monthly that you are in need of serious psychotropic medications.
- You cry when you hear bad songs from the 1980s. By Wham. And Bryan Adams.
- You cry when you see a horse wearing a jacket.
- During your morning drive, the words “F*ckwad” and “A$$hat” are used with disproportionate frequency.
- You experience gleeful, excessive giggling while devouring a cheeseburger, fries, and more than your share of two desserts. (Helpful tip: This meal is a poor choice. You will regret it later.)
- You cry when you see several geese sitting in the snow.
- You feel compelled to murder the receptionist at your doctor’s office when she is unable to reschedule your appointment to your satisfaction. Then you cry.
- You venomously denounce your “to-do” list by shouting, “F*ck that thing!” and then laugh hysterically for several minutes.
- Your inability to effectively peel the wrapper off your Cadbury egg fills you with inexplicable rage.
- You are a giant duckface to your first grader when she is confused about her math, which, arguably, is ridiculously hard for six year olds.
- Reading #9 just made you cry.
Hope that helps! Should you find yourself questioning your mental stability every month, consult this handy list and put your mind at ease. Solidarity, Menstruating Mamas!
Oh no! I blame myself for number 8!
*hugs*
-V
Ha! Yeah, that was *totally* you! They were delicious, though! Even have two left! 🙂
This was hilarious! I can associate with every single one of these.
I’m so glad. No, wait, I’m so sorry… 🙂
Said a mouthful and shake my PMSing crazed hands, lol!! 🙂
😉
I may represent many of these statements. Well except for Doctors cause I am the last person to go.. you know as mom I am invincible
Ha!
Oh, I’m so sorry that I laughed so hard at your pain! I really do hope you are feeling better, but your list did make for lovely reading! Probably because I can relate so much to the swearing, crying, chocolate-filled haze. Except…I don’t really get why a horse is wearing a jacket?
I don’t get it either…but- it made me cry! :p
Yes! Yes! A million times, yes! It never ceases to amaze me how much worse PMS is now that I’m a mother, and I think it’s completely unfair seeing as I endured 9+ months of pregnancy and 40+ hours of labor. But like you, it hits me out of the blue every single month and scares the crap out of anyone within a 50-mile radius.
In my next life, I want to be a man. 🙂
I second that! They literally have no clue what we go through!
Where is the petition to sign? I am in!
High fives, sister!
What a helpful post. You see, I do the same exact thing and here I sit with a dinging computer and a dining ipad and a dinging fuckin’ iphone and I never thought to give myself a warning? Brilliant!
I am rolling in laughter! And I am so there with you!!!
Swearing and crying…..pretty familiar to me! 😛
I have programmed my family to warn me when I’m about to hormonally explode. I all of a sudden start to notice they are avoiding me and then it dawns on my that I’m going to get my period. I can see our third child being conceived just because my husband wants it to stay away. Horse wearing a jacket? That was my favorite one.
HA! Now that’s a compelling reason for me to have a third baby…except that it’s kind of like 9 months of PMS, huh? I generally laughed and cried simultaneously a lot when I was pregnant. Usually because of food.
Wait. Wham?!? Wham??? Dude. WHAM??? I may have lost a little respect for ya. Nah. ‘Cause I cried once over Boy George, which HAD to be due to PMS. Also? did your whole cycle get worse after giving birth because mine did. And I relate to all of these. Stupid freaking math.
Shhh, don’t tell, but I’m actually not sure it was a Wham song. All I remember was that it was from the 80s, and it was embarrassing that I was crying during it. It could very well have been Richard Marxx. Or, um, someone else. But the Bryan Adams one is legit. Like me better?
Oh, and HELL YES, the whole thing got worse. Like, I was drinking some stupid tea to help lighten it up. Holy Jeez.
I just started marking it on my iPhone calendar because I needed an end to the surprise.
Since resuming my womanly rotation after having my second baby, I now have excruciatingly painful ovulation which, turns out, marks additional mood swings.
I don’t understand why we are punished like this. But then again, maybe it helps keep us in check. If we didn’t fall apart on a regular basis, we’d be pure awesomeness all the time. It wouldn’t be long before we levitated, started glowing light, attained enlightenment and ceased to require being.
Your list is great. I scarf down burgers, cry, laugh, try to keep myself from smashing stuff, the whole bit.
Hi. I’ll stop now.
If I printed out my favorite comments and made a book of them, this would be in it. It should be a post in and of itself. And, YES to the ridiculous ovulation experience! Guess I missed out on that when I was on the pill for over a decade, but seriously, WHAT is up with that?
Oh no! I’m only 9 months post baby #2 and I’m doing these things on sleep deprivation alone. I kept looking for “Almost cry while watching strangers finish a 5K and then cry when watching husband finish 5K.” Seriously? It’s running. I am so scared of what PMS is going to look like when it reappears.
Oh, I feel your pain! The sleep deprivation turned me into a total lunatic- for 15 months! (Better luck to you, my friend!) Your comment cracked me up and kind of made my day! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!
From one MT mom of 2 to another: You rock (‘n’ roll)
No way! Another MT mom of two?!
Reading #10 made laugh to tears because I was relating and recalling a #9 scene.
That comment made me smile! Glad you can relate! Or am I?… 🙂
I am so sad because I’ve fallen behind on my blog reading, and happening upon this gem just made me feel so much better! Fuckwad. Yes.
I remember those days. Now I’ve been on estradiol for a year re Peri-menopause systems. I don’t like taking supplement hormones so I stopped for about 10 days. Same thing. Crying upon getting up in the morning. Crying that a friend was helping me clean my house. Crying that I had to fix dinner. I finally started taking the hormones again and boo hoo me is gone. Good luck. Enjoy your young ovaries. 🙂
OMG, this is hilarious! I am SO unaware of my cycle until I’m losing it, and even then I’m wondering what is wrong with me and then I usually put it all together, but then can’t remember exactly what day of my cycle I’m on. Typically, the food inhaling and bloating tip me off after my emotions are completely out of whack and cause me to consider what is wrong with me.