So, we’ve been living in the Upside Down for a while now. Amidst this harrowing Election Day/Week/Month/WhoTheHellKnows and a global pandemic, I think it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself: “What completely ridiculous shit did I buy off the internet during this dark and unprecedented time?” What purpose does that serve, you inquire? Isn’t it frivolous and unimportant and in fact, quite tone deaf and inappropriate? Why, yes. Yes, it is. But friends, there is only so much Schitt’s Creek Bingeing, Espresso Mornings and Bourbon Nights, medication, meditation, therapy, podcasts, pajama pants and maniacal laughter to help us cope with this flaming shitshow. Also, it’s been years since I compiled a funnyish photo montage: see This Semi-Cool Gen X Mom is Killing It.
So perhaps you’ll join me on my little trip down targeted ad memory lane, and maybe you’ll feel inspired to reflect on your own personal social media ad shopping triumphs during these bleak, neverending, traumatic, godforsaken dumpster fire months. Think of it as Oprah’s favorite things, except I’m not wealthy and can’t give stuff away, and also, lest you worry I’ve bankrupted my family with this online shopping spree, I assure you everything I purchased is cheap as shit. Shall we begin?
I believe it started with an irresistible targeted ad on FB in March. It was a jumpsuit, you guys. Jumpsuit? Romper? One of those garments it’s difficult to urinate in? (I mean, not in, but you know…)
I purchased this item and proclaimed it would be my April uniform. OK, enough beating around the bush. Here it is.
To qualify, it requires just the right type of undergarments, and is actually only suitable for public consumption, when say, covered up with a muumuu-cardigan, beads, and overshadowed by a cowgirl hat. Like, say, this!
The most problematic aspect of this selection was that it was preceded by a purchase, not one year earlier, from the exact same company, also for a “romper,” and the results were disastrous. Exhibit A:
In my defense, it was supposed to look like this.
I mean, it’s not like I didn’t already have a rich history of FB ad SUCCESS! under my belt, particularly in the holiday dress arena:
Cheap pieces of shit, yes, but also: ADORABLE and winning.
Let’s move on.
My next hook was the high-waisted swimwear, with its classic vintage appeal, but let’s be honest: Months of stress and quarantine have not been kind to many waistlines.
I started here, and then I was hooked;
But I couldn’t stop. I feel a collage is in order, to save space. I believe, in all, I purchased, cough/sob: 7 high waisted bikinis this year. Maybe 8.
And oh my god, BRALETTES, you guys. Mid-summer, I discovered the wonder of a cute yet comfy bralette, and while it is inappropriate to share photos of these, if you look closely, you’ll likely see them sticking out of the flowy tank tops featured in the rest of this post. (While I am not including links because it’s a pain in the ass, and I’m not doing any kind of affiliate marketing, I got two from Lively, one from Maurices, and two from Costco. They kick ass, every one.)
Oh, speaking of flowy tanks, my new uniform… How could I not order the Tattooed Bookworm tank?? I was helpless to resist.
And “What the Fucculent”? C’mon. It’s practically a siren song.
Oh, then there were the kimono robes. That targeted FB ad knocked me right on my ass. It was my birthday, and I had birthday money, so I went ahead and made these both happen. Apparently they are stellar for consuming adult beverages in while posing in dramatic fashion at hotels celebrating your teenager’s birthday.
Or drinking in bed is ok, too.
Now, if you have your flowy tank and kimono robe, you’re going to need some pants (maybe?) to go with them. These, I purchased old-school, sans targeted ads, straight from TARGET. I got both the Coke and MTV ones and they are comfy AF, seriously. They also had Kodak, but that was months ago, so maybe the ironic Gen X juniors’ section sweatpant ship has already sailed?
Oh, um, speaking of Winnie, this happened.
After months of resisting their FB ads, Crown and Paw finally pulled me in as Election Day loomed. I have no regrets.
But ohhhh, back to Target. And oh, crap, these weren’t online, so they don’t really go with post, but you guys know I’m obsessed with their freaking Wondershop holiday birds and I got ALL the fall and Halloween ones. And this sweetass welcome mat. Not that we’re welcoming anyone over these days. But I thank it every time I stand on it after bringing the milk in.
And one of my besties told me about these sunglasses, and they are legit the best I’ve ever had. Goodr. Look ’em up, you won’t be sorry. They make me feel fabulous when I’m unshowered and my hair is feral and I’m feeling ashamed about the constant tank top/sweatpant/kimono situation. I just pop them on and am like, “Oh, hellooooo, you fabulous, radiant creature!”
My final confession (please, husband, don’t be reading this. If you are, walk away now.) is that I actually succumbed to ads that appeared on a STUPID WORDGAME APP I PLAY EVERY DAY. An app. A game. Like i’m 12. But no! I actually clicked and was delighted to receive this free weird bubble brush thing (do you guys know what I’m talking about? I mean, I know I take a lot of pictures but I’m not lame enough to have photographed the cleaning supplies I bought off the internet) from Grove. I got a few other things for free, and was able to give myself the slow clap for stocking up on discounted seasonally fragranced Mrs. Meyers cleaning supplies. I mean, I CARE ABOUT THE EARTH AND THE CLEANLINESS OF MY HOME AND MY FAMILY’S EXPOSURE TO TOXINS I’M NOT JUST A LOUNGEWEAR OBSESSED MONSTER.
And then I went and got that Daily Harvest shit, too, because our kitchen was being demolished and cooking was hard and it was super easy and yummy and healthy and though I got $30 off, it was expensive AF and will probably not be a regular thing. And oh. I got that goddamn Prose “your own hair prescription, how indulgent and wonderful, your name is even on the bottle and you choose your own scent!” shampoo and conditioner. The dry shampoo is actually quite wonderful.
So, I think I’m done now. Being a full-time administrative assistant for my 4th grader and emotional support person for my 9th grader has left me with little time for frivolity and decadent online shopping. My last purchase was a touchless thermometer, FFS. But whenever I reflect on the fuckery of these months, I’ll smile a little as I recall that I found ways to nurture myself with comfy clothes, flattering swimwear, and portraits of my rescue dog in period costumes. And that, my friends, has got to be worth something.