I once saw the biggest kid in my music class haul off and shove a sweet tiny little boy who was brand new to class. I’m not going to lie- it made my blood boil and my heart sink. Why was it always the most docile, not to mention diminutive, children who got hit, pushed, and kicked in my classes?
This is my thirteenth year as an early childhood music teacher, and though it doesn’t happen every week, I will often have children in my music class who hurt other kids. Do I think this makes them bad kids- somehow defective or mean at their core? No. Not hardly. Do I tolerate it? No. Not a chance.
This is a tricky situation for me to navigate from the perspective of teacher, but not nearly as challenging as handling it when you are the parent. When I am teaching, I would highly prefer that it not be my responsibility to handle behavior problems, but not all parents are vigilant, ready to step in and apply the appropriate consequence to aggressive behavior. So if I am reading a story to the children while the parents are sitting away from me back in the circle, and one kid hits another, I intervene- immediately.
Generally, I address the child who has hit/pushed/licked (just kidding) the other child, and I gently but firmly say, “We do not hurt our friends. You may not hit Jack.” I will then ask Jack, “Are you okay?” If the act is still in progress, I will put one of my hands on each child to separate them while I talk to them. Other variations I’ve used are:
- We touch our friends gently.
- Hands are not for hitting.
- We keep our hands and feet on our own body.
- Jack, you may tell Tommy, “Please don’t hurt my body. Please don’t hit me.”
I have found that the variation where the adult empowers the child to assert him/herself can be very helpful. I avoid using terms (even in my brain) as “victim” or “offender/bully” because I don’t think that is helpful for the child who has been wronged. Empowering the injured party to stand up for themselves by saying, “Please don’t touch me.” or “I don’t like that,” goes much further to correct problematic interactions between children rather than becoming shocked and irate on their behalf.
At my toddler’s Montessori childcare, if one child hurts another, the child who has done the hurting asks the injured child how he can help: sometimes s/he will bring an ice pack or a glass of water to the child who was hurt as an act of “restorative justice.” When adults avoid forcing roles such as offender and victim onto children, we help the so-called “victim” to avoid feeling worse. This gives kids great confidence. I witnessed my two-year-old walk up to a bigger three-year-old boy and tell him, “Michael, please don’t pull my hair and push my body. Okay? Okay, Michael?” She waited until he affirmed this course of action, and I actually became tearful as I watched her confidence and poise “confronting” this older boy. Was Michael a bad kid? Was he a bully? Not at all. Most children at least “try on” the roles of each side of the behavior, and I think most parents would attest- it’s almost worse when your child is the hitter/biter than when they are hit/bitten.
But it is still awful to watch our children get smacked around or mistreated– physically or verbally– by their peers, especially if it is a recurring dynamic. And while there is great value in allowing kids to work things out themselves, it is sometimes appropriate to intervene.
So hard to watch our children get hurt or feel sadness.
After a recent music class, a grandmother expressed her frustration that her grandson seemed to “attract” bullying. “Does he have “victim” written all over him?” she asked, after another child had pushed him several minutes earlier in class. I acknowledged how disheartening it is when quiet, kind children are targeted by other kids, and I wanted to help give her some strategies for eliminating this from becoming a pattern.
- Validate their feelings Let your child know that it is NOT okay for another child to hurt them- physically, verbally, and emotionally.
- Give them the words and tools Even toddlers can understand the words, “Stop! Don’t do that!” or “You may not hit me!” or “That’s not okay.” or “Please don’t push!” Help your child find language that works for him/her to be assertive when kids are being aggressive, or even simply unkind.
- Role play One thing that has helped me out tremendously with my older child is to role-play with her when we are alone together. This is particularly effective if you have noticed a pattern. When my daughter was in preschool, there was another girl who wasn’t very nice to her. We took turns playing the role of “Emily” and then being my daughter, Izzy. My daughter found it very amusing to concoct scenarios where her friend might say unkind things, and then to craft her own response.
- Speak for them, if you need to When children are very young, even if they understand the concept of telling another child, “Don’t push me!” they may not be able to do it. As a teacher, several times I have encouraged a student to “use their words” and address a child who was bothering or hurting them. If they are not comfortable or able to respond, I do it for them. “Sarah, Aidan does not like it when you poke his head. He is asking you to please stop.”
And what about if it is your child who is doing the hurting? I said it before, and I’ll say it again- as much as it sucks to watch another child clobber your offspring, witnessing your own child biting or pushing another kid can be worse. It doesn’t make them bad, and I strongly advise against using words like that when handling aggressive behavior. Judging and labeling our children is not instructive. Here are a few things that have worked for our family, when one of our kids is being rough or physical:
- Buy the books Hands Are Not For Hitting or Teeth Are Not For Biting Reading these books when our oldest was a toddler and preschooler helped to cement her vocabulary for understanding why these behaviors are not okay.
- Encourage restorative justice As I mentioned above, asking your child to not only apologize, but offer something comforting like an ice pack, drink, or hug, will help restore a positive dynamic and lessen the victim-bully scenario.
- Remove your child from the action I know some people are opposed to “time out,” claiming it is cruel and overly punitive. I’m not a big fan of “time out” as a regular consequence- I find other natural and logical consequences often work better. But I do believe there is a time and place to remove your child, and hurting other people is one of them. Rather than viewing it as a punishment, try this spin: Putting your child someplace safe like their bedroom, crib, or chair in another room, is a necessary and helpful opportunity for them to regain control of their body. When our two-year-old pulls her sister’s hair, or whacks her, or (gulp) chokes her with a  blanket, we immediately take her to her crib and tell her, “You are not in control of your body. You hurt your sister, and you need some time to get control of your body.”
While these types of behaviors are extremely developmentally appropriate for toddlers, they are still frustrating and discouraging, and need to be mindfully dealt with so that they do not become patterns.
I think this is an important topic, and I’d love to get a dialogue going- if you found this post helpful, please “like” or share! What are your most successful techniques for dealing with these situations? How do you handle it when someone hurts your child? How about when your child hurts another kid?
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I love your advice on how to handle a child being bullied or even the child that is doing the bullying. As a teacher myself, you are so right about how to handle both scenarios and will say I always hated seeing a bigger kid pick on a weaker smaller kid and did my best at all costs to diffuse the situation when I needed to. I honestly now worry more on the parental level about this and will be paying close attention as my girls are growing up and hope I would need to take your advice here, but if I do will definitely refer back to your words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing, Stephanie 🙂
I think it’s hard for teachers of older kids to catch all those dynamics. You do your best, but there’s only so much you can do!
Tucker had some time in PAC while he was just plain mad. It was actually a GOOD thing because he was mad that the other kids didn’t comply (which means that he knows the difference and is huge and amazing and why we are having a meeting on Wednesday EEEP to maybe move him to non-cat). But he was hitting. My little sweet snuggly amazing boy who tells me “I misses you” when I’m gone was the hitter. I wrote a crayon letter: (from fu#king elmo and know I’ve told you this before but it seems approp now, again)
“Dear Tucker,
This is Elmo. I love you. Please do not bite or hit your friends.
Biting and hitting is not nice.
I love you.
Love,
Elmo”
That was it. And dude. It worked. He still talks about it and he’s got massive developmental issues. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU> much.
I love that idea Kristi! What an awesome way to help kids “get it” – a message from their favorite character.
OMG, brilliant! I may try that with Sophie and (sob) Caillou.
My 7 year old son was once kicked in the stomach by his classmate and so he punched the kid back. I don’t encourage violence or anything (and I’m not in favor of it) but deep inside I’m proud that my son stood up against that kid. While other parents wouldn’t agree with me, I believe that it is important to teach our kids to fight back when they are already hurting.
Rachelle, I’m with you. I totally agree, and I remember a time when my younger brother was being picked on over and over. One day, he’d had enough and punched the kid. The bullying stopped. That gives me a sense of satisfaction, I must admit. I would be proud, too.
Brilliant, thoughtful and wise advise all around. I heartily agree with you on all counts.
Thanks, Kelly! I do my best! 🙂
This is SO good, and so perfect. And absolutely right. I love that you’re promoting restorative justice instead of ‘say sorry’ (because really, when it’s prompted, it’s not an apology – it just teaches that words can mitigate hurts inflicted. And they can’t. Anyway, I don’t think kids can (developmentally) feel remorse or understand ‘putting themselves in the other’s shoes’ until about 7 or so). LOVE this and what you did with your prompt. Great, great stuff 😀
Thanks Lizzi. I agree, that ingrained empathy doesn’t take shape until later, so the genuine apologies don’t carry much weight. Thanks for your praise and encouragement!
wow…waht a great post babe. I try the same things with Dino, but never thought of him waiting for a confirmation…going to do some role playing tonight so he can try a few scenarios out.
Aw, thanks! I appreciate that!
Great minds think alike…I wrote something similar about teaching children the importance of respecting diversity…and it all stems down to us. We as the parents must teach them so much about life and about being a good person to others.
My sister was bullied in grade school and as the big sister, I had just about enough. I put my foot down and my fist where that girl’s vile mouth was. Yes, violence doesn’t beget violence but she deserved it. The school and her parents were threatened with legal action and that still didn’t stop the bullying. My fist did.
These are great tips and oh so important
Really? That’s awesome. I agree- sometimes that retaliation is totally justified and the only way to make it stop. It gives me a secret sense of satisfaction. Is that totally hypocritical of me to say in light of my post? I don’t think so- teaching toddlers to be kind and assertive is a different thing than tolerating older bullies. Good for you. xo
This is such a thoughtful and insightful post, Stephanie. It is fascinating to bring in the perspective you have as a teacher when handling these situations with your own kids. Personally, I found myself to be much more effective when handling these situations with other people’s kids (I taught elementary school before I had kids) rather than my own;). When I am on my toes, I find that role play is very powerful and with my 4 year old, the more specific she is about what she didn’t like and why, the better the results are with her 2 year old sisters. With the 2 year olds, hitting has become a go to attention getter so I am trying to ignore it whenever possible and talk it through with my 4 year old to get her the justice she desires without giving extra attention to the twins. Tricky…
It is so tricky! It is an attention getter for sure, and we try to ignore as much of that stuff as we can… but then she crosses a line and hurts her big sis, and we can’t ignore it. Ugh- so hard! Thanks for your comment!
I think this is great advice. As a former preschool teacher, I totally get where you are coming from. It is equally difficult to watch kids get hurt as it is to watch them do the hurting. I think everyone involved has to remember, just as you said, that it is developmentally normal. Often toddlers and young children don’t have the language necessary to communicate their anger or frustration. They also are very egocentric which means they are not really thinking about the fact that it will hurt the other child – they are simply expressing their own emotions. All the strategies you gave are excellent!
Yes, definitely normal! There is this fine line- some parents are aghast and embarrassed when their kids hit, and others just shrug it off. It’s about finding the middle ground- they are NOT bad, but it still needs to be addressed! Thanks for your comment!
You are so right. Empowering the injured party is *so* important. I think it’s the most important thing you can do to help that child. I *love* your strategies. They are absolutely spot on! I wish all parents would read this post! –Lisa
Thank you so much for that, Lisa, and thanks for sharing it too! xo
What wonderful ways to prevent bullying from the beginning, when children are young and trying out the roles. I wish all parents and teachers would address the behavior. I know we are getting better, but there is still a lot of work to do.
Thanks for that, Jennifer! I appreciate it! It is really hard, isn’t it?
Daw, I wish you taught my kids, though we’ve been lucky so far.
My 10 year old girl has never had any issues related to bullying or not being accepted or whatever, that I’m aware. I worry that my 4 y/o son is maybe ripe to be bullied and that my 2 y/o is ripe to be a bully.
It’s funny to me how three kids can grow up in the same house and be so different. We’ve been trying to get 2 on board with not being so quick to anger/hitting etc. but it’s a work in progress. The other two are so patient and kind…we weren’t prepared for such feistiness! We may have to look into some of your suggestion here.
Thanks for being a great teacher to the kids you do get to touch, Steph.
You are so right- our kids are just wired the way they’re wired, regardless of living under the same roof! Thanks for that comment, Don!
How was I so fortunate to have such a wise woman for my daughter? I am so proud.
Oh, pshaw. Plus, I had a great role model!
Great advice! And way to go on your HuffPo debut girl!! Woot woot!
Thanks on both counts! I appreciate it!
Great article Stephanie. When Christopher was four I didn’t do any “research” before I told Christopher to “hit him back”. It was something that had been going on in 4 year old pre-school repeatedly. He would come home sad about it. I was fed up with saying, “It’s not nice to hit.” My husband was deployed and I didn’t know what you should tell a boy to do. You know what I mean? I didn’t want him to be scared of the little boy. So I encouraged Christopher to hit him back in the same way and in the same place that the boy hit him so he could see what it felt like and know that Christopher wasn’t going to be afraid. That did it and they became friends.
I am all for the well-placed “hit ’em back” philosophy. It definitely works sometimes. I can see myself going down that road with my kids, if need be. 🙂
I really love the idea of restorative justice. It was one of the things that attracted to me to Montessori in the first place, it is just common sense. And what greater gift can we give to our children than common sense at such a young age?
I am totally with you. Love that about Montessori.
Mike and I were talking about this just today, how much to intervene, how some kids are more physical than others.
Yeah, we’re at that age where we talk about kids a lot. Still testing the waters in a hypothetical way.
That made me laugh. Testing the waters is always a good thing. 🙂
This is a wonderful post, Stephanie – such wise and practical advice. And restorative justice is a concept that children can and should take with them as they grow into compassionate and kind adults.
Thanks, Dana- I appreciate that!
I always worry about this, and am thinking of training my son for situations where he could be troubled by other kids. He is a gentle child and smaller than average, so you can imagine my anxiety. Thanks for sharing these tips!
You’re welcome, and thank you for featuring this post on your blog this weekend! 🙂
Hi Tarana,
Yes I hv same worry. I hv started with my 4 yr old to tell him to hit bk but he just can’t , most of the times. And this age m surprised to see some kids being specific abt whom they want to play with n tell him u aren’t our friend or u r slow at scootering. He is small but n has less physical strength than them of course.He seems hurt , still don’t know how to address that.
We’re dealing with a bigger kid version of the issue and it only gets more complicated, unfortunately. My 9-year-old is getting picked on at synagogue by a slightly older kid. It’s been a real problem and we’ve tried many solutions. Ultimately if the boy doesn’t stop and his parents and our rabbi cannot control him, we will switch synagogues. It’s a real shame.
Oh, Nina, that really is a shame. I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope things work out the way you want them to.
I believe the timeout is helpful when it is a time out – they need to cool off. As a punishment, it doesn’t always work (at least not for my kids!)
These are great tips, but I had to smile a bit because it is so different thinking about discipline from a high school perspective. My first year teaching I had a kid take out a lighter and try to set another kid’s hair on fire! So I laughed thinking, “Joey, people don’t like it when you try to engulf them in flames…”
Great post!
I agree- I don’t find it to be a very effective “punishment.” But usually if we remove our toddler from the action by hair-pulling, kicking, etc, she doesn’t do it again when she comes back. Your last comment cracked me up- the things that come out of our mouths!
I read this post a few days ago, but I guess I didn’t comment. My head is on squarely backwards. I have one child that tends to do the hitting and pushing and has to be watched like a hawk. I also have a child that gets hit and pushed more than normal and has to be watched like a hawk. And I have a third that is somewhere between and I never watch him. My hitter, I have apologize immediately. I really like your idea of restorative justice. I think that would really help in curbing the hitting in the future. I’m going to try that. On the other end, I’m trying to use encouraging words and love while listening to hurt feelings and at the same time making sure they know the other child’s behavior was not acceptable. I’ve had to get teachers involved in the past. That had mixed results.
Really great post, brilliant advice. My son is much bigger than most of the kids in his class so doesn’t tend to get picked on, but these words are helpful in many situations. I am yet again featuring your post of the Sunday Parenting Party – I think I might just make a regular slot for you!
I like your post and the comments from other readers…Thanks!….I read many people saying that they do not tolerate hitting, etc in their classroom…that it is not acceptable…etc…and I´d like to know what you do to have children understand that…We´ve been working with a child who either hits her friends or gives them a defiant look. We talked to her, we modeled positive behaviors, but she shows her challenging behavior at any time. Do you have suggestions? I´d love to read them. Thanks
A nice post , any suggestions on how to get my 4 yr old to attract attention that he got hurt ? Either at play or a peer pushed him , he always cries silent . No sound . As parent it’s the toughest thing to see.
I would do some role-playing with him. “Pretend you got hurt and you need to tell someone… you can say, ‘My friend just pushed me and I need help.’ ” Act it out with him. My oldest loved doing those pretend scenarios with me when she was in preschool. Good luck!