I know my child would rather I not reveal this conversation, but … for the good of parents everywhere, I feel it is my duty.
All of our most serious conversations have happened in the car. We were driving when my daughter and I covered gay marriage, and on the way to school the day we discussed divorce, adoption, and biological parents—all the topics I felt unprepared to dive into. I’d been anticipating these discussions, but hadn’t really wanted to sit down and force them in an unnatural way. Lucky for me, the car seems to bring out an interest in delving into subjects that might make people seem squeamish. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that that’s exactly where we were when we had our first ever Puberty Talk.
It was an early release day from school (these drive me freaking crazy, as I can never remember to put them in my calendar), and my third grader and I were looking forward to an afternoon together, just the two of us. We headed for the mall to do some shopping for her little sister’s upcoming third birthday, and of course we had to hit Starbucks, because that’s just how we roll when we’re together.
It all started with our post-Starbucks restroom visit. I will be deliberately vague here, but let’s just say the epic conversation began with an unfortunate observation about a labia that may or may not have been deemed “furry” (I resent that, for starters. “Furry” seems to be going a bit overboard. I digress.) and an expression of gratitude that she didn’t have one. At which point, I felt it was my adult responsibility to inform my offspring that a lack of furriness was only a temporary condition. This sort of blew her mind, and she immediately had questions she wanted answered ASAP. (Come to think of it, public restrooms seem to be another likely place for conversations one was not expecting.)
Having recently engaged in a heartwarming banter with my three-year-old in a public stall, in which she repeatedly and loudly inquired as to whether the woman in the stall next to us was a man, I did not care to discuss pubic hair in the mall restroom any longer. I whispered to my daughter that we’d have to finish our conversation later.
Naturally, the car ride home seemed to be the perfect opportunity. I can’t really remember how she led back into it, but it probably went something like this: “Soooo …. about that whole furry ladyparts thing?”
I patted myself on the back for my presence of mind and composure during this ever-so-important coming of age conversation. I was certain she would remember it forever, as I remember standing next to my mother’s bedside as she drew me an ill-advised diagram that included misshapen fallopian tubes. I wracked my brain to remember when this blessed event occurred—I decided I was eight years old, and we were right on time. Shortly after said diagram had been hastily scrawled, I was presented with the requisite copy of What’s Happening To Me? (Did all children of the 1980s own this book? Please say yes.)
Puberty was not kind to me.
I started with the basics: It’s called puberty, it will start happening in probably a few years (oh gawd), and it happens so that your body can change into a grownup body, and also to prepare your body to make babies, even though you shouldn’t do so for a very, very long time. I included all the entry level details: the growing of aforementioned hair in various places, breast development (I know it’s wrong, but I almost always say “boobs” instead of breasts. I can’t help it.), periods starting, and boys’ voices changing.
We’d had several earlier conversations about menstruation, prompted by a casual inquiry in the shower as to why my “vagina had a tail.” When we discussed it again on our ever-so-long car ride home that day, I assured her that she wouldn’t have to use tampons, but could use pads for as long as she wanted. (Privately, I vowed to myself that she would never, ever experience the confusion her mother had about removing the applicator prior to, um, leaving the restroom.)
She asked if it hurt, and I said that the bleeding didn’t hurt, but that she would probably have cramps, for which she could take Advil and use a heating pad. She wanted to know if the cramps would stop after the first time, to which I sadly replied, “no.” I declined to include the aspect of PMS—it’s cruel to inform a child in the same day that not only will they sprout “fur” one day but that, for decades of their life, they will monthly become stabby, consider harming their partners, and cry at commercials. Baby steps, people.
My only misstep was one rather unfortunate utterance after my daughter asked me how I knew that boys got hair above their penises. Practically in slow motion, I replied, to my eternal regret, “Mommy knows a lot about penises.” (((GONG)))
I told her that it was too bad that kids get self-conscious during puberty, because everyone goes through it. I recommended a healthy dose of empathy as her male classmates’ voices began to crack—after all, girls didn’t appreciate having their brand new bra straps snapped, either. I added that some girls feel uncomfortable if they are the first to go through it, and others feel uncomfortable that they are the last. I channeled Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret as I detailed the period watch she will inevitably experience. She assured me that she hoped to be the very last girl to get her period, to which I quietly smiled. I knew better. (Who remembers this little gem: “We must, we must, we must increase our bust!”?)
The most important thing, in my opinion, was that I didn’t laugh and I wasn’t uncomfortable at all. Maybe there’s something to this driving in the car thing—everyone can have their own space and avoid prolonged eye contact. I patted myself on the back for the fact that, although we may have been in our minivan heading home from the mall, I upheld the integrity of the sacred first puberty talk.
I feel I should leave you with some actual helpful tips. So here’s a cheat sheet for you, for the day YOU have to have the dreaded puberty talk. You’re welcome.
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This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.
Your hosts: Me and Kristi from Finding Ninee.
Guest host: Kelly from Just Typikal
and Anna from Fitfunner.
This week’s sentence was: “I know my child would rather I not reveal this …”
Join our FTSF FB group to keep up with all the future sentences!
Yes! The absolute best arena for “the talk” is in the car. Have I told you about that one particular car ride where my little man mentioned “we had the sex lady at school today Mom.” Of course I forgot. Every other parent would have circled their calendar – in red – but not me. My daughter – a grade above her brother – is turning purple and craning her neck out the window. She too had the talk and won’t discuss it. Brother forges on after I ask “What was the most interesting thing she talked about?” “Oh the things that stop a girl from having a baby. You know. Condiments.”
We pulled into the closest Safeway where I led them both through a walk of the ketchup aisle and the sexual health aisle…
Woooweee – talking to girls is so much harder. You’re doing good. I was surprised by how much I didn’t know when I was in my 30’s and trying to get pregnant. For the record I had bust waaaaay before fur – all too soon and awkward – never had to wish for a thing. The “tail” was hilarious.
Wonderful as usual. My 4 year old body parts talk was a huge cluster, so I can only imagine how my pre-tween one will go. I will have to refer to this post! I bet your husband was so glad those questions came your way instead of his!
A. My father and I used to have most of our best talks in the car about life, and how the decisions I make today affect me tomorrow, and about personal things that my own mother didn’t know about (like how I was forced into giving my first BJ and my dad found out by bugging the phones and he wanted to kill the kid who forced me into it). Now that I’m grown and the bad conversations are dead issues, I am really fond of all my memories I have talking to my dad, just him and I, in the car.
B. The menstrual talk with my kid was she noticed what she calls, “Boo Boo Poop,” and she asked about that. I was like, “Um, we lay an egg. If it doesn’t get fertilized, we poop it out with half our uterus (the nest).” When it came to pubes, I was like, “this doesn’t happen until you grow up.” And I don’t think I could say anything about pubes to scare my children more than them seeing mine because I am currently sporting my own duck dynasty beard down there, with pride.
And, yes, I got that question from my five year old when getting out of the shower one day and the my two year old chanted, “Dada? Dada?” Until I assured him I knew Daddy also had hair in that area. It was awkward, but I did not laugh. And I did use the word ‘boobs.’ Why is that so natural?
Okay. So I was going along, thinking that this was going so well for you. I was admiring how well you were handling yourself (and the tips are great, thanks for lining them up like that!).
And then this happened: “Mommy knows a lot about penises.”
Oh yeah, you’ll be hearing about THAT one for a long time.
😉
Funny story and great tips! I, of course, have had this talk with my oldest who is now 12 and most certainly on “the watch.” (Ugh!) My middle one who is 9, however, doesn’t want to hear it. I tried just last week to bring up the topic and she literally put her fingers in her ears and begged me to stop saying the word “puberty.” She deemed the word weird and said she couldn’t stand to hear it. Oh, the joys of motherhood! 🙂
“Mommy knows a lot about penises.” Bwah-ha. I love it. Another post I’m going to have to save for When The Day Comes. Also, I think I need to buy a car.
I am loving the blogs about the sex talk! This one cracked me up. Stephanie, I would have died is my daughter made that announcement – I think I would have stayed in the restroom ALL day. But seriously, I like your tips. My husband and I had the talk with my son together (he was eleven, entering 6th grade) – and it was in the car. I don’t think he believed one word we said. Two years later, he still hasn’t gone through puberty – late bloomer. But I’m getting ready to talk to my daughter and I’m getting nervous – and Dad wants no part of it:).
Good job mama! Seriously I can’t stand weird awkward conversations. Tucker doesn’t really yet realize that talk about fuzz and penises and stuff is taboo so he’ll just throw out that gems like “My penis is bigger!” ugh. So were you totally dying on the inside after saying “I know a lot about penises?”
Totally agree that Izzy doesn’t yet need to know about PMS. And yes, we totally had “What’s Happening to Me?” and also the “Where Do Babies Come From?” which I still remember because it had naked cartoon people and said something like mommy and daddy hug and his penis goes into her vagina…. why do I remember that so clearly?
Bwahaha in the bathroom and after! But seriously, way to talk with your kids and be there for them when they want to talk.
I haven’t had the discussion with my son about puberty, but according to the doctor, my son has clearly entered it. His voice has not dropped and that’s definitely something that I’m looking forward to, because it’s still so high. Our commute home from school is now about 30 minutes and often both of his sisters fall asleep on the car ride. Our conversations run the gambit of politics, growing up black in this world, making friends and dietary concerns. It’s great because no one can escape and there are very few distractions.
I dread this day, but I’m also ready for it. My daughter won’t come to me because she’s just too introverted to do that, so I’m going to have to just go for it soon. Still trying to decide WHEN though. :/
Oh, I was laughing through most of this! Thanks!
You did a good job of maintaining cool. We had the puberty talk in installments, whenever they asked questions, so talking about it didn’t feel like a big deal. Some of my daughters’ friends started puberty very early, which was disconcerting for them and I was relieved that didn’t happen to my daughters.
Oh if you only knew how my 3rd grader found out about sex… I really should have done this finish the sentence to tell you guys. The kid just didn’t STOP with the questions!! He is so smart that every little generic reply I gave him, led him to ask more… and I was forced (by choice-cause clearly the kid was curious and relentlessly wanting to know, and smart enough to keep figuring out the next step/question!)
Cut to end of story…
Hubs came upstairs to say goodnight, after an HOUR of us talking through literal intercourse and I told him his son now knows EVERYTHING about sex. He said- “okay then!”
I asked Cade to explain what he learned, and I swear the kid remembered every detail.
We framed it all about the functionality and he surely doesn’t need to know the ‘arousal’ side to it! But yeah- and honestly? He was not even in third grade come to think of it…
It was this summer. So almost in third grade!
Quick added segment to this story?
We had a random few hours alone together when his sister was at something out of the house and he literally GOT DOWN ON THE FLOOR and asked “So mom, how does the husband actually get IN there? Like how do you lay? Like THIS?” As he attempted several different ideas about positions…
Stop gagging. STOP IT! I know you are either sick to your stomach or laughing. But I swear I was BOTH!!
It was a good talk. With um… some interesting ‘how to’s. What am I gonna DO? The kid needed to know!
Sigh.
He knows more than Cass- who is a middle schooler.
Just sayin’.
Sadly I wish there had been video of that talk.
Oh I am dying here. I would have sworn I was the only one in the world with the applicator issue. However mine was in Spain on a school trip with other teenagers outside the door providing “directions” on what to do. As we were walking around Madrid I said It’s falling out and after nearly peeing themselves laughing they explained where I went wrong.
I am not even close this age, but I get that this is SUCH smart advice–love the way you love your kids while being so savvy. And your 80s style? ROCKS!!
It was so much easier to talk to my daughter than it was to my son – at least we have the same plumbing! I bought her the American Girl book “The Care and Keeping of You.” It’s a great resource – think “What’s Happening to Me” updated for the new millennium.