I have just begun my seventh month as a blogger, and I am finally settling into it with a bit more comfort and ease. When I wrote The Awkward Blogger, I was fairly transparent about how nervous I was joining the blogging community, and how uncomfortable I felt with the self-promotion aspect of becoming a blogger.
I have found a niche where I am thriving; thanks to a few fellow bloggers that I have come to consider my friends, I have found a way to voice my insecurities and anxieties. I have joined online blogging communities, found blog hops featuring like-minded bloggers, and discovered several opportunities to publish my work online. In short, I feel like I fit in.
However, that is not the end of my qualms about being a blogger. I still experience waves of jealousy when other bloggers in my genre gain exposure with a major publication, or collaborate on some project that feels like the “cool kids club”. I ask myself, “Aren’t I funny enough to be featured on that list?” or “I write just as well as she does- why won’t that magazine publish my post?”
I know I am not the only one who struggles with these unsettling feelings of envy. The blogosphere is generally supportive, but can sometimes feel competitive, which makes the need to self-promote that much more essential if you are planning to gain followers.
I try my best not to compare myself to other bloggers, and instead focus on connecting with and supporting my fellow writers. Being part of a community takes a lot of effort. Which brings me to my biggest challenge as a blogger.
The Constant Blogging Guilt!
It takes up so much time. I cannot properly express the guilt I feel over the amount of time I spend on my blog. No, not just the writing part, but the whole package. As every blogger knows, part of the time is spent writing what you hope is high quality content. Then there is the editing, the photos, the hyperlinks, the publishing. After that, you spend more time than you can possibly imagine responding to comments, tweeting and sharing on Facebook, linking it up on blog hops. And perhaps one of the biggest time-drains is also one of the most critical: you must read and comment on other blogs.
Well, I guess you don’t have to do this; if you are one of the rare big fish in the big blogging pond, you are probably exempt, but if not, you run the risk of being either a self-absorbed egotist or delusional. Because you see, one cannot blog in a vacuum and be remotely successful. If you want other bloggers to find you and perhaps share readers with you, you must follow them, and make it worth their while.
And be forewarned, you never want to come across as a Bloghole. Blogholes stop by your blog and leave a cursory comment such as, “Great post! Check me out at www.lookatmelookatme!.com.
To truly thrive in this blogging world, I could spend hours of my day reading, writing, commenting, and promoting. And here is the ironic thing: As a “Mommy Blogger”, I am theoretically writing about family life. My posts are supposed to relay stories about my experience as a mother, be they funny, inspiring, or comforting. How am I supposed to focus on actually being a mommy when I am constantly glancing at my phone to see if a new comment has posted or mentally composing clever Tweets about my offspring? I refuse to be the perpetually distracted Mommy who misses all the fleeting moments of their days. Kind of like the photographer who spends so much time behind the lens that she misses her entire family vacation. Not to mention the fact that being well-rounded is a good thing, and there are several other worthwhile activities I could be pursuing in my free time: exercising, yoga, reading, cleaning my house…
Their childhoods move so quickly.
My Husband Hates My Blog
Here is another thing: I think my husband secretly hates my blog. Perhaps that is a bit harsh; I know he is proud of me, I know he thinks I am a good writer, and I know he loves it when I can bring comfort or reassurance to a mother who may be struggling with her parenting experience. But the blogging package in its entirety? I know he resents it. So I do what any addict would: I try to hide the amount of time I spend on it. There have been countless evenings when I hear his car in the garage and I jump up guiltily, frantically close my computer, and appear that I have been busily unloading the dishwasher. I have had moments where it feels like I am living a double life. Something needs to change.
My husband long ago stopped reading my blog; it may or may not be a subconscious manifestation of his resentment.The two of us are planning a 3 day getaway to the mountains- without our children. It is the first time we have taken such a trip in two years. I have been looking forward to it eagerly, and recently decided that it would be an “unplugged” weekend, though I hadn’t yet shared my intention with him. The other night as I was surfing Facebook, he announced forcefully, “No blogging, tweeting, or Facebook on our vacation!”
Though I had come to the same conclusion on my own, I still felt hurt and defensive. I often feel like my husband is the grounded one in our marriage, and I am the one with my head in the virtual clouds. If it wasn’t for him bolting us to the earth, I would drift off into the blogosphere. I refuse to abandon my blog; I love writing, it is the perfect outlet for me, and I have developed some genuine friendships in the last 7 months. But it seems I need to set some serious limits for myself, whether that means setting a timer and then moving away from the iMac when it goes off, no matter what I am in the middle of, or perhaps making a schedule so that I am only blogging/social media-ing during certain hours of the day. The way it stands right now, my screen time has begun to feel desperate and compulsive, and that is not okay with me.
Seeking That Elusive Balance
I have already come to the conclusion that I cannot write a post 7 days a week like some of my peers do. While others may be able to produce quality posts that frequently, I cannot, and I refuse to let my content suffer. I have also reduced the number of blog hops, or link-ups, that I participate in. I simply do not have it in me to read and comment on that many blogs on a daily basis. I have discovered which blogs really resonate with me, and though I have been raised to be a “nice girl,” I cannot be all things to all people. I already attempt to steer clear of the computer on the weekends, and do not post on my blog on Saturdays or Sundays.
Sometimes we need to take a break from memorializing, let someone else get behind the lens, and just live life.
I don’t know what the answers are for me finding balance in my life; I realize that this predicament is not unique to bloggers, or even mothers. We all have “that thing” in our life that takes up too much time, or maybe has drifted from the “hobby” category to the “obsession” category. We all experience challenges when it comes to time management. Above all, I want this blog I have created to be a source of pride, happiness, and contentment to me, and hopefully a source of inspiration or entertainment to others. When it feels like it has become compulsive, it is time to stop.
*If after reading this post, you still consider me to be a “Funny Mom”, feel free to cast your daily vote for me in this contest! Remember, you do not have to be monogamous to my blog; vote for all your favorites whenever you want! Thanks for all your votes yesterday!
Thank you for supporting me!
Phew. Good post. Honest post. Really every mom blogger is probably going, “uh-huh.” “yep.” “guilty.” Balance is key – I have absolutely NO advice whatsoever. None. Sigh. :/
I read this and totally can relate even down to my husband hating my blog. HE says he is proud, but he also resents the amount of time I give to this. I have no advice either just to say I know what you are feeling and am there myself at this point. Thank you for honestly sharing and making me know it just isn’t me.
Wow. This absolutely hit home with me. I could sign almost every word you wrote. Since I started my blog I also feel so guilty. And yeah, following other blogs is so interesting and so time-consuming. So I get it, completely. And like you I am still trying to find the right amount of time or strategy or whatever to have this balanced somehow.
Thanks for sharing, Joy. I think a lot of us must feel guilty; I wish there was the perfect prescription for balance. I have not found it yet.
You’re right. Most of my “blog time” is spent reading/commenting on other blogs and the social media aspect, on which I suck. Because I do my writing on my lunch breaks at work, blogging hasn’t really reared its head at home, but I totally sympathize with you. I write because I love to write, and hope someday the practice I get from blogging will lead to a more fulfilling livelihood, in some shape or form. For whatever reason you chose to start blogging, it’s a great hobby that takes a lot of time, and it sucks to hear that it’s creating a wedge.
We are working on it; I have made some changes that make me feel more comfortable; in a lot of ways, I think you are doing it right: just writing on your lunchbreak. That’s the thing- I have a job too, and though I only work part-time, I still have to take that into consideration. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for writing this. You captured everything I feel. I spend SO MUCH TIME on this damn thing. I love it, but it definitely causes me a lot of guilt because I often find myself kind of wishing I could put all of my other responsibilities aside and JUST do this for a couple of days. Horrible, right?
I’ve had to stop doing link-ups. I just don’t have the time. And I feel guilty that I don’t read the blogs of everyone who comments on my site, but it is just not always possible. I try, but I hope they know I am just stretched too thin most of the time.
It’s funny – I also feel jealous sometimes of people’s online accolades. The fact that you’ve had a lot of stuff published makes me a bit green with envy, but it’s in a good way – I find bloggy friends do genuinely like to see others succeed.
Congrats on all you’ve done, and try not to be so hard on yourself. You need something in your life that’s just about YOU, and you’re allowed to pursue your dreams, right?
On that note, I need to unplug… 😉
Thank YOU for commenting, Dani. I definitely don’t feel the jealousy with my “bloggy friends” rather with the more “famous” bloggers I look up to, and it feels so petty to even say it out loud. I am glad to hear I am not alone, and you are right, as much as you want to reply to every comment or visit every blog, it’s just not possible. I will be limiting my Hops in the future, too. Happy unplugging…
You are so right. It is very difficult to balance and write good content. I quit stressing over posting. If I have something good to write, I write it. Your readers will be there when you do and they will appreciate the quality over quantity. Love this and thank you for the link-back. It is greatly appreciated! Good Luck!
I totally agree- I am only posting when it is something I have felt inspired to write. Thanks for stopping by, and I am happy to link-back!
I’ve only been blogging for a month, and I can already relate to all struggles you shared. I haven’t really figured out my niche yet, I don’t have much content, yet I feel like I need to be out in the blogosphere if I want more readers. I have to remind myself that I can’t write content about life if I’m not living it.
A timely post for me – thank you!
Perfectly put- I can’t write about life if I’m not living it. Thanks for sharing, thanks for visiting my blog, and I wish you the best of luck finding balance and your “niche”.
I can completely relate to this! And if you figure out how to balance your life and blogging, please share. 🙂 I think my husband secretly hates my blog too. He’ll never say it, but I can tell. I’ve totally done the same “jump up from the computer when the car pulls in the driveway” thing! It is like an obsession. When I finally reach some silly goal that I’ve set for myself, I think “more!” I suffer from traffic and fan greed regularly.
Today, I was wondering if this blogging thing is good for my mental health. I haven’t decided!
YES YES and YES!!!!!!!!!!! The sense of community is one thing I love about blogging; the amount of hours it requires to maintain that sense can be exhausting. I do it because I enjoy it; the second I stop enjoying it, I’m out!
I think my husband hates my blog, too, but mostly because I spend more quality time with my computer than with him most nights. Mwahahahahaha!
Great post–thanks for your honesty 🙂
Balance with blogging is so hard. Luckily for the hubs I’m crap with most social media and I suck at self promotion so most of my time is spent writing stories down. And reading stories. Since I got the iPhone and I can be with him when I’m reading blogs he’s less resentful. I also get a free pass blogging when I’m nursing. That won’t last forever though. It’s so interesting the conundrum you brought up about Mommy blogging taking time from being a Mommy. They’re also our muse so time with them is essential to blogging:) I seem to have found a balance I’m happier with since Christmas. I stopped hopping and focused on only one link up (FTSF) and stopped tweeting after one week. I made a dumb resolution to reply to every comment I get and now I’m way behind and stressed about that. Instead I comment on their blog and not mine. Something had to give. X
I can totally relate here. I know for me, I too become obsessive and there have been times when I hear my husband come home and I shut the computer down and act like I have been busy… but the truth is, blogging takes a lot of time. i even remember once my husband wanted to leave work early and I told him no. Not because he shouldn’t be able to use his time off, but because I hadn’t finished all my blogging duties. It definitely is a balancing act and those that I find I relate to the most, I come back to regularly. Otherwise, I try to spread out the blogging love. I read what I can, but my family and my blog has to come first! Here’s hoping you find some balance! 🙂
As for no facebook on your vacation… can you compromise. You know – like just update about how much fun you are having! 🙂
I feel a lot like you. I have this guilt about the time that I spend on the blog but I have considered it “taking time for me”. I try my best not to ignore my kids, I try to blog when they are sleeping or at school. I think my husband hates it too. He wishes I would make millions off of it and when I only bring in $21 a month he secretly feels it’s a waste of my time. But it’s for me, no one else. So that’s how I keep motivated!!!! I am struggling to maintain my own blog so I am trying my best to get more involved in other blogs, blog hops, etc…. It takes a lot of time but it’s worth it. I have met so many wonderful new “friends” and I am so much happier because I do have this new outlet that I never had 6 months ago!
After a smack down, drag out, wrestling match, hubby was finally able to see my side of it. 🙂 He knew I loved writing before we got married. So, while he’s at work and the child is at school, I work on my dream career – writing. Blogging is a part of it and thankfully he understands. The hard part is when he’s off during the week and wants to play video games or watch a movie and he’s distracting me. 🙂
As to the jealousy thing…yep, feel that all the time. But it also pushes me to 1. pick my challenges, and 2. push myself to do better.
Great post and I think you’ve managed to represent how a majority of your fellow bloggers feel – me included. 🙂
Wow, Stephanie, I have a draft post called “Balance” that I’ve been avoiding working more on for about a week now. I’ve recently accepted a 20-25 hour/week project and am scared to death about how I’m going to keep up on my blog and do that, too. I actually cried (real tears) about it to my husband last night…but he doesn’t get how much I love it while simultaneously sometimes resenting the amount of time it takes to keep up with it all.
Awesome post. You are not alone, sister. Not alone.
Oh! And when we went to Colorado for the holidays, I was totally freaked out about how to stay on top of it from there. Luckily, it was a quiet week.
Enjoy your vaca with the hubs. We’ll all be back when you get plugged back in, I promise.
I struggle with this, too. I am trying to exercise more and be happy with my blog as-is. It’s never a done-deal, though, is it? Awesome post!
Great Post! Check me out at…..hahaha. Great post. I completely agree with you on the blog guilt and sometimes feeling the pangs of jealousy when you see someone else succeeding and you’re still spinning your wheels.
Oh, thank you for writing this! My husband HATES my blog too! And it’s only been a few weeks.
And, yes, I am a beginning blogger, but already I’m struggling with the balance between staying a “good mommy” — engaged, a good listener — and trying to take advantage of any “free” time that I may have to do blogging-related activities. I’m sure that this conflict is true of all moms who work at home — or are students or writers — but because our subject is motherhood and everything about it, we feel especially guilty when we are sometimes distracted in our lives as mothers by blog-related stuff.
Wow what a conundrum. The Good News is you have an awareness of what feels “right” for you in the space of technology…what works for you and your family. Now the challenge is finding the right balance to satisfy your writing enjoyment and family time.
Oh wow, I loved this! I do the EXACT same thing with my husband — try to hide the blogging/computer time because I too think he is becoming resentful with the amount of time I’m spending on this. I do the jump off the computer to empty the dishwasher decoy trick too! Thank god I’m not alone! I too decided right from the start that I could never blog 7 days a week…I know what I’m capable of and that ain’t it…I hope we all figure out how to balance this all because so many of us are struggling with these exact issues. Thank you for sharing them and letting us know we are not alone with feeling compulsive about blogging and keeping up.
I can’t thank you ladies enough for your comments; I feel overwhelmed- in a good way! It is so helpful to hear your feelings and experiences and to know that I am not alone. Thank you for putting it out there with me- many of us are struggling with the same things, and though there are no easy answers, there is comfort in knowing that we are all working on it. xo
I so relate to this, Steph! I too decided from the start that I would not blog on weekends. I also stopped the bloghops because I hated the idea of people visiting my blog when I had no time to pay them a return visit! I would rather visit people who are friends and who regularly visit me!
Of course, I feel blog envy often. But, I realized that with my personality, I cannot convince myself to self-promote a lot. And, also, I’ve convinced myself that I don’t have the time to be ‘out there’! I’d rather spend time with my online friends and cheer you all as much as I can! 🙂
Gosh, Stephanie! How weird that we were both feeling this way this week….I think it’s something in the air, honestly – because so many bloggers I know are feeling this way right now. I used to set timers and that helped a lot. Helped me stop wasting time on getting the “perfect” picture or making the perfect border to separate pieces in a blog. There’s no time for that. I’m no mommy – but time escapes me during the day too. My husband gets home and I’m sitting there commenting on other blogs. I also feel guilty. Surely there’s time for this during the day?! This new schedule I have seems to be working so far. Will see by the end of the week if it’s working. Because like you, I also can’t comment on dozens of blogs every day. I wish I could. Some people can do it, and I also envy them…and they have kids! But I’m learning not to compare myself to others, if I’ve learnt anything this month it’s that. I say just do the best that you can do with the time you have. Don’t let it consume you. We’re writing because we LOVE it. Not because we have to. I lost that over the past few weeks. But, I’m getting it back. It’s phases, but we have to stop beating ourselves up. We’re doing what most people couldn’t. It’s easier to sit at a desk 8am – 5pm and do what you’re told. Sorry for the blurb! Sure things are going to be looking much better today. *hugs*
Bloghole – haha!! I have had similar feelings lately and it’s part of why I took a 6-month break last year (which meant starting completely from scratch, in case you’re tempted to do it). I LOVE reading and commenting on other blogs, but it takes an incredible amount of time. Then there’s writing your own posts (duh) and responding to your own comments.
I’m not a daily poster and have actually stopped following people who post every day, especially if they only give you an e-mail subscription option (ie are not on blogger). I felt guilty seeing their posts every single day and knowing I wouldn’t get to them. It has helped to let go of the idea that I have to comment on every post someone does. Ain’t nobody got time for that! (sorry, I couldn’t resist)
Of course I’m doing a daily challenge in February and then again in April…
I’ve been working really hard on building a readership because I’m going back to work full-time March 4, and I physically will not have enough hours in the day to spend on my blog the way I am now. I found with my old blog that there was a point where I felt comfortable with the size of my audience and was able to focus less on trying to find new blog friends, and more on enjoying the ones I’d made. For me that was around 200 followers, but everyone is different depending on what you want out of your blog.
That Circle of Moms thing is making y’all crazy too. I voted for you because you’re awesome, but don’t feel offended if you don’t make it. It appears to me to be more about who can harass enough people into voting for them, rather than who is actually the funniest (sooo subjective too).
How do I always end up writing a novel in your comments?? You make me think too much; that’s the problem 😉
I honestly couldn’t have expressed this better myself. I share these very same feelings. I lose sleep and I often wonder if my family is feeling neglected knowing full well they are. I too am trying to find that balance where I can be a good mom, a good wife, a good everything yet ensure that I take time for me.
Great post! Thank you for putting on paper how so many of us feel.
Kate
i guess i just never started my blog with the idea that it would be a success some day. it was just a place where i could write, vent, and share. i didn’t include a “followers” thing because i didn’t want the reminder that no one was reading anything.
now, after i’ve checked out other blogs of special needs families i feel like i fit in even less in this community. of all the special needs blogs i have checked out, my family is the least special needs of anything i’ve come across. i want to share success stories and find myself holding back because i don’t want my happinesses to be another person’s saddnesses.
in a way, blogging is like being in a never ending “mean girls” loop. but, i think were are hardest on our selves. and, my husband never reads my blog. but, he’s not a reader of much of anything so i cut him so slack. and you know what, if you can’t reply to each and every comment, don’t worry about it! i never leave a comment with the expectation that i will get a reply!
no worries, right?
Misty, please do not hold back your success stories! I would like to read them and they would not make me sad but happy for you!! You know, there will always be kids that make more progress than Sunny. That’s life and I have to accept that, so don’t hold it back! xoxo
thanks Joy! who knows, maybe our successes will inspire someone!
I totally get the “mean girls” loop, and I have really struggled with those feelings. I also agree that cutting ourselves some slack would be a *good* thing, but somehow I can never surrender to the “no worries” mentality!
So when I started reading your post I thought you secretly knew me and were writing about me since I didn’t do a post this week. This is exactly how I feel…on so many levels! Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel good to know that I’m not the only mom struggling to “make it” in this blogging world while trying to be a good mom, wife and a full time job.
Oh, this is amazing. My husband rarely, rarely reads my blog. I thought I was the only one.
I have to say, the self promotion it takes to be a blogger is *still* a big struggle to me. I feel so awkward putting posts on my own facebook page…even tweeting…it just seems so unseemly. I don’t think twice when I see other people do it, it’s just not in me. I’m slowly getting over it, but it’s hard and it’s something I cringe about at least once every single day. –Lisa
I could have written this! It is very time consuming. For me, it’s been a godsend. I too feel guilty about spending so much time on the blog, on the following up, and reading other people’s blogs. My husband doesn’t hate my blog, he just doesn’t say a lot about it. For a long time he read it but denied it!
When I first started blogging, I felt like there was a sort of clique of bloggers. They were the Pink Ladies who swore and drank and spoke their mind. Then there was me, not Sandy-more like an Amy Farrah Fowler, but not as smart. The quite geeky girl who is just figuring out who she is and what she wants. I rarely swear, I only drink wine on the weekends, and I hesitate to speak my mind for fear of what people might think. However, as I continued on, I found many Moms like me who have been great cheerleaders and mentors for me. This Blogging Community is a special little world we are in.
I love that comment, and I think there is a little Pink Lady/Sandy/quiet geeky girl combination in me that makes me wonder where I fit in sometimes… and yes, it *is* a special little world, albeit a challenging one!
I really feel how you struggle. In a lot of ways we are the same. However for me I can get a lot of blog posts done late at night so the next day I just hit publish and go on.. But blogging does take up a lot of time and finding balance isn’t easy. My husband is a little different. I think he likes feeling like a superstar on our blog and is on it all the time and loves reading the comments. But there are times he hates it too! I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend together and its good to shut things for a while and just focus on the beauty that surrounds you. Have a great Friday!
You speak nothing but truth, and while you commented on my post you were glad to see I wrote the positive, if you peer closely enough I simply put a funny, snarky spin on the same things you said.
It takes up so much time. So much fucking time. It’s redonk. I see this is as my stepping stone into publishing a book and I feel it’s worth it to build my readership now I hope to write for a living, so I can justify it and not feel so much guilt. . . Plus my kids are older.
But it’s there… lurking…
Well, I definitely didn’t miss the snarky spin, but I felt like you were less flat-out depressing that I was in this post! And I too am using this as a stepping stone into book publication…I think a lot of us are. It puts an interesting spin on things, doesn’t it? I have the same rationale as you do about justifying it as a way to build readership- gah! I can tell we have a lot of the same love/hate’s about blogging…
Again, ladies, wow, thank you so much for your continuing thoughtful comments on this post. I am glad it resonated with you all, and it makes me feel so much less alone. I would take the time to reply individually to all of your amazing comments, as each one made me feel so good, but as I have already mentioned, I have a bit of a blog time-management problem. Ha ha. 😉
Hi Stephanie! I’m new to your blog- and I love it!
I’m a new blogger myself who is experiencing the ‘blog’ struggle (and my kids are all grown-up and out of the house!). And I still feel GUILTY about the amount of time I spend gathering topics, content, research, editing, etc.
When dinner is prepared it’s an accomplishment- but photographed. Ugh!!!
Hubby has given up and has started reading the blog.
If you can’t beat’em ya might as well join’em.