My second daughter, Sophie, took a bottle twice in her life, and by the ripe old age of three weeks, decided she preferred her milk to come directly from the source- Mama. We tried for months to re-introduce the bottle in a variety of ways; we tried several different types of bottles, different times of day, we tried a handful of different people offering the bottle, to no avail. There came a point when I gave up trying and came to terms with the fact that Sophie was just going to be a boob baby.
It became clear that she had no interest in weaning around her first birthday, and I was in no hurry to stop nursing, so we carried on as usual.
As we neared 15 months, I realized for a variety of reasons that we needed to wean within the next month or so. I will refrain from discussing our rationale; I’m sure there are several moms shaking their head and thinking, “Why would anyone deliberately wean before age 2?” and others wondering, “Who on earth would want to nurse for 16 whole months?” Hopefully there are also some moms thinking, “Way to go! I’m glad you nursed for the amount of time that felt right to you.” At any rate, breastfeeding and weaning is a loaded subject at times, so I will avoid a lengthy narrative on why we decided to stop when we did. Suffice it to say, it was time.
Those first few months are so beautiful.
We started by cutting out our daytime nursing sessions; three days a week Sophie was in childcare for nearly 8 hours, and had no problem going sans-boob for that long when I wasn’t around. The problem was, when Mommy was there, nursing seemed like an appealing activity to indulge in, say, every 15 minutes or so. It was time to set some limits. There were days when I almost caved. Sophie had learned to very clearly express herself, and one afternoon when we were snuggling on the couch, she whimpered hopefully, “Nuhs?” I shook my head and said gently, “Nursing is for bedtime!” Her little face crumpled and she began to cry, big tears rolling down her cheeks. Why am I doing this? I scolded myself.
After two weeks, we were down to nursing at only bedtime and first thing in the morning. A fantastic by-product of our plan was that Sophie finally began sleeping through the night after 15 excruciating months of unpredictable night wakings. After a week of that schedule, we cut out the morning nurse and were down to just bedtime. Sophie handled the change easily, making me optimistic that perhaps this wouldn’t be as painful as I had thought. Every day I casually reminded her that nursing was just for nighttime, and pretty soon we would be all done nursing. I’d like to think that somewhere in her busy little brain, she understood what I was preparing her for.
The end of our transitional month was just days away. On a Thursday night, I nursed Sophie and wondered if it would be our last time. As we rocked and I sang our lullaby, Sophie nursed quietly, clutching a fistful of my shirt in her chubby hand. I didn’t know how many more nights we would share this experience, so I absorbed every detail; the feeling of her hand against my chest, her soft cheek against my skin, the shadows playing across the floor. Because I didn’t know, I avoided any “This is our last time nursing!” emotions, and simply savored the minutes we spent in the rocking chair.
On Friday night we arrived home from dinner close to bedtime, and Sophie was tired. I quickly changed her into her pajamas and handed her Night-night bunny and Fat-cat, her special sleeping lovies. I settled into the glider and began my experiment; for the first time, I did not offer to nurse her. I decided to let her choose the course of actions; if she asked to nurse, I would nurse her. She didn’t ask, and instead rested her head against my shoulder.
Sophie at 16 months
I knew she didn’t need it anymore, and as I began to rock and sing, tears uncontrollably spilled down my cheeks. “Baby mine, don’t you cry,” I sang, my voice wavering with unsuppressed sobs. Sophie stayed contentedly nestled on my shoulder, and I continued to sing her lullaby and cry, reflecting on our nearly 16 months of breastfeeding. I didn’t regret my decision to wean, but on some level, I was deeply mourning. I knew that something had ended. I knew that I would not hear her sweet voice requesting, “Nuhs!” anymore. While it was the right thing for our family, and I know that Sophie was ready, ending our nursing relationship was extremely bittersweet. Whether it is the last night in the crib, the final bottle, the first steps, or the first day of kindergarten, so many of our children’s milestones are exactly that. Bittersweet.
Pay no attention to the annoying button in the corner…
This is so beautiful! I had a reaction you didn’t describe: envy. I wish I’d been able to nurse, and I’m glad your experience was so lovely–even if the end couldn’t help but be bittersweet. Thank you for sharing it.
Aw, thanks! I appreciate your kind words! I have been weepy all week…
A beautiful article- brings me to tears thinking about weaning!
I think it’s pretty amazing that you nursed that long. I have been nursing for 11 months. My goal was a year but I think I will continue to nurse morning and evenings. I haven’t really decided yet.
Oh Stephanie, that was beautiful. And so sad. I’m a big Dumbo fan and I always find myself singing Baby Mine when I’m sad (I sung it a LOT last week). I’m such a wuss she would have totally had me at ‘Nuhs!’ It helps if you keep having babies;) Three may be our stopping point though and I’m not sure how I’ll handle the weaning when it happens. It’s so special and so tying at the same time. I’m sure my boobies will enjoy the freedom, but if I could somehow freeze one moment in time to experience later, nursing would be it!
Yes, I am so with you. And it’s funny how my baby-wired body is sending me those signals- done nursing, have another! I am trying to ignore it for the time being… I am grateful that you appreciate how bittersweet it is. Yes, it’s liberating, but it’s not just a celebration when it’s something that you genuinely loved and will miss!
Firsts and lasts are often bittersweet and yes, sometimes hard. I feel for you! xo
Awww, I teared up reading this! My daughter was the same way: all boob, no bottle, and the day SHE decided we were through, I cried as I rocked her, too. Wow, what these little people do to us, huh?!
Mama hugs!
I can so relate to this post. With Eden (my third), she was in the hospital and we couldn’t nurse. Then I tried and tried and tried after she came home to no avail. At six weeks old, I finally decided to give it one last shot and then be done with it. She latched that day. It was such a freakin’ rollercoaster. My hormones went nuts and for a moment, I considered not nursing her (because I had already gotten into the bottle headspace). But I pushed through and did it. We nursed until she was two. She never took a bottle after that time. Weaning was very bittersweet and I was so emotional. Great post!
Beautiful article Stephanie and even though I didn’t nurse either of my kids, I found myself crying reading this, because you really made me remember all the milestones and times where we my kids have accomplished something and yet it was so very bittersweet, because I knew they were growing up. As a mother I could very much relate and thank you for sharing your experience here.
Aw, I cried reading this, remembering my own bittersweet weaning process. I used the “baby led weaning” method and it really worked for us. Tucker stopped asking around 13-14 months and then only occasionally asked until he was about 16 months. I’m glad you did what was perfectly right for you.
Thank you for such a sweet, supportive comment, and I’m glad you can relate! Hugs!
omg my heart is in my stomach. My baby will be 7 months old tomorrow and the thought of not nursing her kills me. I had a goal of getting to 1 year, and still hope I can at least get that far. Thankfully, she takes the bottle well and often (while I’m at work), so that may help us get through the inevitable.
Oh, I SO understand, mama! I’m glad you have the bottle- it will probably help your transition. Sophie is fine, I’M the one who is having trouble!
This brought tears to my eyes. You expressed so beautifully the feelings moms have at the end of nursing. I remember it so well with my daughter especially, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt, she was the last little nurser I’d ever have and that part of my life was officially, over. It was just so bittersweet. There is nothing like the closeness you feel when you are nursing. I cherish that time now that my kids are 12 and 9. 🙂
I agree, there is *nothing* like it. Thank you for such a nice compliment- it means a lot as you know I worship you guys! 🙂
I didn’t breastfeed either of my boys, but I loved this so much.
Oh, Robin, thank you so much for saying that!
Although I haven’t breastfed for many years I do remember ending….both times.
I applaud you for going for 16months, it’s quite a commitment and I, like you, didn’t do the bottle. My daughter weened directly from boob to cup.
You will miss it but there will be new things to distract you….I promise 🙂
Thanks for sharing your personal story.
Thanks, Molley, I appreciate that! In some ways it was easier going straight from boob to cup, I think. I know there are lots of things to look forward to ahead! 🙂
Beautiful! I’m tearing up! I too loved nursing and was sad to stop both times!
I cried all the way through the end. My first said “nuhs” too, like “nurse” without the “r” sound. I was so hopped up on writing about breastfeeding past age one this week that I hadn’t stopped to think about weaning in the next few months until I read your post. Sweet and sad. Thanks again for turning me onto Something Clever 2.0 and Theme Thursday.
Aww, this is so beautiful. I love this. I could feel the emotions through your writing. I never experienced breast feeding, but I have noticed my sons doing more things on their own, not needing me as much. For so long I just wanted relief, somebody to help out, do something for themselves, and now they’re doing it and I’m like – wait a minute. They’re only going to need me less and less…and less…and less. Sob.
Stephanie, I cried reading this. I’m going through this right now too. Just this morning I did not nurse my fourth kiddo for the first time. She’s 19 months old, and I have basically nothing left to offer in the nursing department. She still asks, but this morning she didn’t. This week she’s been nursing about twice a day, but now it’s only when she asks. I don’t plan on having any more kids and I think it makes it all the harder to say goodbye to this phase. Will every milestone be extra sad with my last kid? I was not this weepy with my other kids! Here’s to wrapping up 6.5 years of my life given to nursing my children.
Oh, Teal, thanks for sharing your experience! It has been so much more emotional than I expected, and I have had a lot of second thoughts. I feel better knowing that I waited until she didn’t ask for it, but I still wondered if I did the “right thing.” I guess bittersweet is the only word for it that I can come up with. This age is so sweet and so fleeting! Thank you so much for your comment!
Totally choked up reading this!! Thanks so much for sharing!!
Oh my gosh, this post hits so close to home for me! I am such a huge supporter of nursing moms – for as long or as short as they wish to do it. With my first child, I thought, well, I’ll give it a shot (thinking I’d breast feed for oh, six months maybe a year)… um, three years later !!! I weaned her and it was So. Hard. Now my son is 16 months and he wakes up SO very much at night and I think about night weaning him soon, and I suspect soon after, he will wean in full because his day time nursing is pretty sporadic, but the idea is very emotional. I so often DREAM of the day when I never need to nurse again, and then at the same time, feel a tremendous sadness about it.
So thank you for sharing your experience. I wonder when my turn will be. Now I must go and sleep before my little guy wakes up to nurse, ha!
-Dana
I am still kind of sad about it to be honest! I think this bittersweet feeling resonates with a lot of nursing moms. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment!
Totally tearing up reading this. Our weaning experiences sound very similar. You put it into words so beautifully. Sophie will totally treasure that you documented this when she’s older. And even if she doesn’t, I’m sure you will. I keep a journal about the things my daughter is doing, how I feel about her, motherhood, etc which is as close as I will ever get to a baby book. I sometimes go back to it, and even though she’s only 18 mo old, there are a lot of little things I mentioned back when she was an infant that I would have completely forgotten if I hadn’t written them down, so I am really glad they are in there.
Stephanie,
Weaning is so hard! It makes you a little crazy, doesn’t it, no matter when you do it! Good for you for nursing as long as you did. It’s such a personal decision and I’m sure you did exactly what was best for your family.