Just a few weeks ago, I shared a post with strategies for “keeping your cool in a parenting crisis.” Thanks for the laughs, universe. I find these tips to be truly useful, but as a “hot responder,” staying calm isn’t exactly my forte. Today my ineptitude at handling chaos burst forth in all its glory. We had a parent FAIL situation. A rough morning. In other words, I lost my shit.
I woke up feeling refreshed and well-rested for once, but then the realization that I had forgotten to do something important slammed into me. Heart pounding, I raced downstairs to my laptop and hit the power button on my coffeemaker. I managed to get myself dressed and finish my task before my three-year-old had even woken up; my eight-year-old dawdled upstairs, messing with her hair and changing her clothes.
I knew it was a mistake to let my youngest daughter sleep so late, but to be honest, I much prefer going about my morning routine without her company. As soon as her eyes pop open for the day, she unleashes a litany of complaints and protests, and the knowledge that we would soon have to rush out the door was temporarily overshadowed by the pleasant sound of silence.
We were still doing fine for time. I spooned out portions of the overnight oatmeal that my preschooler had been begging me to make for the past five days (I prepared it the previous afternoon, patting myself on the back for remembering). With just thirty minutes until we had to leave to meet the bus, I knew it was time to wake my daughter up for the day.
Yes, there was whining. Clothing battles. Protests over hairbrushing. Refusal to don socks. I put the bowl of oatmeal in front of her, thinking, At least I’ve got this going for me; she’ll be so happy! I’m sure you know what’s coming: “I don’t want this kind! I want Rice Krispies!” she said angrily. “But I made it just for you!” I exploded. “It’s your favorite!”
The rest of the morning was a blur. Doling out teaspoons of homeopathic medicine for the lingering coughs. Realizing the shoes were missing. Frantically locating a backup pair of sneakers and a sweatshirt. Fielding complaints about being cold, and then breathing heavily when the proffered sweatshirt (to remedy said coldness) was declined.
The pressure was mounting. I knew what was coming. And then, dammit! I forgot I needed to start the crockpot for dinner. There was no way we would make the bus. Swearing, I threw Italian sausages, onion, and sauce in the crockpot; somewhere in the recesses of my mind I could hear my oldest whispering to her sister, trying to help her get her shoes on. It was too late. I was already that mommy. “Everybody get in the car,” I barked at my bewildered children.
Balancing a coffee mug, a second mug filled with hot water and lemon for my scratchy throat, my cell phone, and my laptop bag, I headed for the car. “Dammit,” I muttered again. I had forgotten to make my preschooler’s lunch. I was raging now. I quickly tossed a (healthy! organic!) yogurt tube, Ziploc bag of pirate booty, all-natural fruit strip, and squeezable (organic!) applesauce into my daughter’s lunchbox.
“Where’s your sweatshirt?” I yelled in frustration as my three-year-old buckled herself into the carseat. “I just gave it to you!”
I ran back into the house for a third time, slammed the door, and unleashed the “Fuck!” that was burning the back of my throat. I tried to force deep breaths, but I was too far gone. When I got back into the car, throwing the sweatshirt onto a pile of crap behind me, I was crying. “I need more help in the mornings!” I announced with desperation. “Why can’t you guys help me?”
“I did!” my eight-year-old chimed in helplessly, her eyes wide. She had. This was not her fault. “I know you did! This was your sister’s fault!” I responded, taking the high road and blaming a preschooler for my lack of organization. I regretted my words instantly, and a fresh wave of tears descended. And then I did it. I showed my hand. “Do you know how hard this is for me?” I shouted.
This meaning, all of it. Being a working mother with two part-time jobs. Trying to stay on top of things. Meet deadlines. Bring in enough money. Get out of the house on time. Get enough sleep. Keep the family healthy. Make lunches. Remember what to make for dinner. Remember to put the shoes away. Hang the coats up where I can find them. Keep everything together.
And in that moment, I did the one thing I absolutely hate doing as a mother: I burdened my children with my own emotions.
I’m not writing this with any advice, tips, or strategies. I don’t have any answers. I suppose I write it as part penance/part absolution for my transgressions this morning, my emotional untidiness. If you happened to “lose it” this morning, or last night, or last week, you’re not alone. At the very least, perhaps we can help one another to feel less isolated in our imperfection. Maybe we can sit together in our humanness.
Connect with me on Facebook, and sign up for my newest posts by email below.
[jetpack_subscription_form]
Stephanie, I feel your pain, mama. I lose it several times a week and feel badly (and apologize).
xo
Estelle
Thanks, Estelle. I appreciate the support and solidarity, my friend! xoxo
Been there. Done That. side note: I can’t believe your 3yo can buckle herself into the carseat! My almost 5yo can’t do it and my 3.5 year old doesn’t even try. I know that isn’t what this is about, but that surprised me.
This is a new thing. And it is absolutely ridiculously helpful. I am over the moon about it. 🙂 🙂
I lost it last night at bedtime with the older boys. I’m solo parenting (again!), one of the twins is sick, and when my 3 year old whined and cried about something, I yelled at him. He was just overtired (thanks to my delay in putting them to bed because I spent so much time trying to get the twins to sleep first), wanted the milk I never had the chance to get for him, and I was functioning on frazzled nerves. I had to walk out of their room, take a breath, walk back in and calmly talked to him, apologized and hugged him. Thank goodness they’re forgiving.
I’m sorry you had a bad morning. You’re certainly right in saying, we’re not alone. We can do most of it on most days, but some days are just too much.
Yes, apologizing goes a long way. That sounds like a brutal situation on your end. I always appreciate your support, Alison– thank you! It’s nice to know you’re not alone. xo
This post could not be more well timed. After single-parenting it for the last three weeks (my husband’s the high school soccer coach and he’s been gone every night for practice and/or games), tonight I finally lost my shit. When my daughter refused (for the millionth time this week, I swear) to comb her hair, I started crying – loud, heavy sobs for which no three-year-old should ever feel responsible. Ugh. Tomorrow … there’s always tomorrow.
Oh, that is so brutal. I clearly feel your pain. Three weeks is a LONG time to be doing that stuff alone… Hugs, mama. Nice to see you over here! 🙂 And yes… there’s always tomorrow.
Rough mornings happen! You did the best you could today. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Thanks for that. 🙂
I lost it this morning, too. On my kid’s birthday, of all days. 🙁
We made up for it with a great, celebratory afternoon, but there is nothing like sending your kid off for the day after a morning like that. You’re not alone. I’m not alone.
Ugh, that sucks. And I’m glad you had a celebratory afternoon to make up for it. I feel your pain; as my oldest climbed on the bus, I thought, “I just ruined her whole day.” It’s a terrible feeling.
Oh, I can see this coming. Right now, I only have one toddler, and when he’s impossible, I’ve lost it more than once. He’s forgiving. I’m the one who beats the shit out of myself for getting so frustrated. I appreciate your courage and honesty, Mama.
We are definitely our own worst enemies sometimes. Thanks for your comment!
Tip posts often make me feel so inadequate. Why can’t I have it together like so-and-so? Why do I seem to be the only mother who loses her temper? But posts like this help me. If others make these mistakes, maybe I’m not so bad.
Oh, phew. That makes me feel better, too. Thanks, Sarah! 🙂
I needed to read this so bad! My 2yr old is sick and super cranky today and after dealing with that wonderfulness my preschooler came home and immediately started whining about something and I just lost it! I yelled at her because I was exhausted and then I felt so guilty and like a horrible mom. This parenting thing is really fucking hard some days.
It is totally fucking hard some days. Hang in there, mama. Glad this was helpful for you to read!
Stephanie,
I have just discovered your wonderful blog after reconnecting on Facebook with an old high school friend..your Mom! It has been wonderful catching up with her via lengthy emails back and forth. She sent me a link to the Mother’s Day letter you wrote (she is one proud mama asa you know) and then a link to your blog. I am now a 65 year old father of two grown sons but I related already to this first of many of your posts I will plan to read. I was not your ‘typical’ father but rather a full time caregiver for my sons so I can relate to ‘loosing it’ and the frustrations of trying to be a perfect parent. Your wit and words are wonderful…keep up the writing! Steven Jones
Hi, Steven! Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment– it made my day! I know my mom has felt very grateful to reconnect with you. How sweet of you to stop by! Thank you for the encouragement!
I think you know I can relate and even commiserate with you on this in spades. All I can offer are some friendly hugs and an ear to listen as I do the above enough, too and never gets old my own kids driving me to the brink either.
I totally appreciate the solidarity, my friend! Thank you! xo
Beautifully honest. I have so been there. I love that you don’t give a list of advice here. Sometimes there are no easy answers.
Thanks, Nina. I really appreciate your support!
This made me cry, because I swear, I have been in the exact same situation(s) and said the same things and felt the same way. It is such a terrible feeling. A gross mixture of shame, regret, failure and the isolation. You are not alone, I promise. You have so much going on, I wish I had answers, but all I have is platitudes – of which I will spare you!
Oh, Allie, just reading your kind, supportive words is comforting and helpful. Thank you. xoxo
Mornings are SUCKFESTS. They just are. Even when I make the lunches the night before, pack the backpacks, line up the shoes by the door. Still ain’t helping. It’s always a circus, no matter what. That’s why we raise tough kids. 🙂
They are TOTALLY suckfests. Glad i”m not alone on this. Thanks for stopping by, cast-mate! 😉
You are way, way, WAY more organized than I am, and you are doing a great job. I was interested to hear of the concept of a “hot responder,” as I feel like an emotional sponge for my kids’ outbursts — I immediately soak up their anger and have a hard time wringing myself out. At my age you’d think I’d be beyond acting like my 4-year-old, but unfortunately I’m not.
Thanks for your honesty.
Yep, my therapist deemed me a “hot responder,” which basically means that I react with emotional intensity and have a shorter reaction fuse. It helps to know your triggers, and also to recognize when you’re at a 2 or 3 in terms of stress level, so that you don’t find yourself suddenly at a 9 or 10 and about to explode, wondering what just happened. Does that make sense? I’m afraid that some of us are just wired this way. 🙁
Wow, very raw and real. So many of us can relate. My two sons are now in their early twenties and I had plenty of those mornings. The only good news is it starts to get easier, little by little. For now, all you can do is your best. Don’t be hard on yourself. Sounds like you’re a good mom.
{{Hugs}}} Stephanie!! I’ve been through many, many such mornings..and evenings! I know the frustration and the guilt. The wonderful thing about kids is that they forget very fast….and maybe, some ice cream treats will help further accelerate the process! 🙂
Yes, oh yes, been there, many times. It’s hard isn’t, this whole life gig? SMFN my friend. You are not alone in this.
Omg I totally relate to this. The other morning which was first day back to school for my 11 year old after term break I got up early and made her lunch packed her bag made her a yummy breakfast and let her have an extra 10 minutes sleep. … I was feeling great.
That was until she took 40 minutes to get dressed eat her breakfast and brush her teeth. Thereby missing her bus, meaning I’d have to wake the sleeping 3 year old. Fortunately a friend picked her up. .. saving me waking Miss 3… But then I discovered that she had lost not but 2 school sweaters (jumpers)…. $80 each. … argh and hasn’t done her homework. …
It was at this point after asking her to brush her hair for the 3rd time that I discovered the kitten had peed on her bed and all her clean clothes were back in her dirty laundry basket. …. Needless to say at this point I lost my shit. ..
Fortunately for her my friend arrived at this point to collect her.
My parting words as current slammed the door behind her was get the FUCK away from me. ….
An hour later I discovered she’d unpacked her bag looking for her missing top and left her lunch at home. It was not a good day.
I was angry and frustrated and then the vacuum cleaner blew is motor.
I just looked at it and started laughing. ..
I felt like shit. … I had a Parenting Fail moment. ..I don’t have them very often anymore but when I do. … Boy are they spectacular.
Needless to say she’s not missed the bus again this week. …. And I’ve been very nice. … lol
Oh Stephanie, SO been there with my 3 kiddos and husband,something I am working on but somedays/moments it can all just be too much too handle and you have to freak out/yell/cry. Lately I have been trying to go to the bathroom to scream/yell/cry just to get it out, then continue on but I am at home full time, really always/forever/24/7/365! Hugs momma you are so not alone, we are all human and shit has to hit the fan sometimes! Keep rockin as you do, I tried to work part time and couldn’t handle the stress of that with 3 kiddos, home, bills, grocery shopping, etc so in my book you are superwoman if leaving the house with clothes and shoes on everyone. 🙂
This is universal and a scene from my own saga. We do it, we move in, and in the outcome.our children learn that we are human. I like to tell myself I use those moments as “learning opportunies” for my kids. Did you ever read The Bernstain Bears Bike Lesson? “This is what you should not do. Now let this be a lesson for you.” Hugs!
Ugh. I’ve been there. Oh the guilt afterwards, but live goes on and we both learn from the experience. Love your honesty in this post!
I get it. Oh, do I get it. I’ve been there Stephanie. It’s an ugly scene… you described it so well. I have to imagine that every mom loses it from time to time. And I thank God that our kiddos are pretty damn resilient.
Oh how I’d love to hug you right now! I have been there so many times. It’s hard. I’m divorced and essentially a single parent (their father parents by phone – I don’t even get every other weekend since he has no car and no job – so yea, no child support for the past 8 years). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had outbursts and breakdowns. It’s human. It’s always regretted the instant it happens and I’ve worked really hard to curb my frustration over the last few years. Thank goodness for prayer and meditation!
I have been this mom. I am this mom way more often than I like to admit.
We ALL have days like this – though it’s hard to admit. Thanks for letting me know we’re not alone!
Yup. I only have one kid and this past weekend, I actually whined back at him. I felt like a major ass afterwards and was actually surprised by how bitchy I was to a five-year-old but argh! We were late, couldn’t find his goggles for swim class, he refused to pee declaring that “he didn’t have an emergency,” (and of course then had to pee 1/2-way there in the car and whined about that the rest of the trip)… been there, mama. Hugs and love. Here’s to sitting together in our humanness. xo
Stephanie, you are doing great. It’s never easy and being human in front of our kids is okay. It’s real. Mornings are tough. I lose it regularly and I don’t have a commute. The bus pulls up in front of our driveway, yet I am always barely making it. The important thing is to forgive yourself and move on. We can only do our best.
We’ve all been there! But the important thing is to realize our shortcomings, do the best we can each day.
Oh, Mama!! We’ve all been there!! Mornings are so hard. Cut yourself some slack – you are a great mom!
I too understand how you feel. I lost my shit on my son last night. Between his selfish, disrespectful and egotistical behavior and his dad’s indifference about his son’s behavior (we are divorced) I am my wits end understanding what the hell is going on. Doing this on my own is so freaking hard. I always thought if I treated others how I would be treated, then I too would receive respect and love. This is not the case. So I lost my shit. I’m not perfect, but I’m having a hard time looking at the person I see today. I will keep on doing my best as I always try to do, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Something also sad as this means someone is hurting too. Thank you for posting, I do really appreciate it and wish you and all commentors nothing but the best.
I think my least favorite part of parenting is being 1 person responsible for doing/planning for everyone else who seem to fight against me most of the time. Kids are resilient tho and they seem to move on A LOT faster than we do. Your great times far outweigh the bad.