Today’s Monday Listicles topic is 10 Things In Your Purse, suggested by Ducky. But here’s the thing: I don’t have a purse right now. I am still firmly entrenched in the era of The Diaper Bag. I know that I need to get a purse for those times when I go somewhere without my kids, and then I am stuck with either a) my gigantic, cumbersome, unattractive, and unnecessary diaper bag
See? It’s not even hip, like those Petunia Picklebottom numbers. It’s just big. And uncool.
or b) this tiny, handy little green thing that I can easily drop into my cavernous diaper bag. The problem with carrying this around by itself is that I have stuffed way more crap into it than it was originally intended to hold.
It fits nicely inside my diaper bag, but it’s not supposed to be overflowing with junk.
See the problem? It’s time to get a purse. And here’s another thing- my diaper bag is filled with utterly ridiculous items that serve no purpose whatsoever, but if there is something I really, desperately need, like say, hmmm, an actual diaper? Nowhere to be found. In fact, at least 70% of the time I root around in my diaper bag for something I need, it’s not there. My diaper bag is a complete disappointment. An imposter of a diaper bag.
My list today will reveal some of the embarrassingly useless items in my diaper bag, as well as some of the mom-essentials that are glaringly absent from this supposedly helpful tote.
- 4 different types of maracas. As much as I wish I was exaggerating, I am not. There are literally four different maracas in the bottom of my diaper bag, surrounded by crumbs that may be as old as my daughter. Sure, I am a music teacher, and yes, they were helpful at distracting my toddler when she was a baby and we were on the go (it’s been about six months since they actually served as an interesting diversion for her), but let’s be real: there is no reason to carry musical instruments of any kind in my diaper bag. Or anyone’s.
- The aforementioned crumbs along with a plethora of crushed goldfish crackers and those damned Puffs that I crush under my feet every single day on the kitchen floor. If my closet is the place where nursing bras go to die, then my diaper bag is the place where goldfish crackers go to die. Wait, it’s a first place tie between my bag and my minivan.
- At the moment: 9 diapers however just last week I was chagrined to realize that I had long ago run out of my diapers for my diaper bag and had just happened to get lucky in that I didn’t find myself needing one. (for my toddler, not myself. Though that reminds me of an interesting story I may be brave enough to tell someday…spoiler alert: see final item on list for a preview)
- The motherlode of receipts Are there really organized people out there who keep receipts and do something appropriate with them? Because I just stuff them in my diaper bag or little green wallet thingie and assume that I will find something useful to do with them later. Like spit my gum into.
- A small package of Oreo cookies from that horrible dinner we had at the family restaurant last week. In our haste to depart before getting thrown out, I stuffed the kids’ menu dessert item into my bag, with every intention of eating the cookies myself rather than giving them to my kids, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. In fact, I forgot they were there until I looked through my bag for this post.
This charming aerial view reveals one diaper, an empty snack dish, one of said maracas, and a nice shot of all the crap inside my green wallet.
Now for some things that most definitely should be in my diaper bag, but aren’t, because I suck.
- Kleenex What prepared mom doesn’t have Kleenex in her purse? I am ashamed. I have failed.
- A change of clothes for my toddler You know, my 16 month old child, the reason why I carry a diaper bag? What is the point of lugging that thing around if I am not prepared for her explosively vomiting all over her clothes? Or at the very least, squeezing applesauce all over herself. (I do, however, have at least 18 mismatched socks pooling around in there.)
- Diaper rash cream, hand sanitizer, Wet Ones I am seriously hanging my head in shame. I am a huge failure as a parent. I figure, we can always break out a little extra A&D at home if we need it, this is my second kid, so whatever, and the baby wipes can double for surface wipes, except for the fact that they are meant for butts, not germ-infested shopping carts.
- A selection of healthy and appealing snacks See above reference to old goldfish and Puffs
- Tampons I have been menstruating for 22 years. There is no excuse for me asking another woman for a feminine hygiene product. Ever. It’s not like there isn’t enough room in the frickin’ bag for at least 520 tampons.
So in conclusion, I suppose if I’m not going to carry actual useful items that would benefit my toddler or myself, there really is no point in even having a diaper bag. I really should get a trendy, pretty purse that I will not feel compelled to pretend isn’t mine. Perhaps in light of our recent weaning, I am reluctant to make any rash moves that would indicate we are even further away from babyhood. Plus, the idea of having such a giant bag gives me a false sense of security that I actually am prepared. I mean, with such an enormous amount of storage space, surely there is something useful in there, right?
Pretend I’m not here.
Oh, I remember those days of using the diaper bag with my wallet in it as a purse. I remember them well. I always did have some sort of toy/musical instrument in there too…but never four types of maracas. That’s impressive!!
Your green thing looks cool and useful!
I am honestly laughing out loud at the maracas! First of all, I totally thought at first that you must have meant mascara, so I was like, aww poor thing has a typo…I should probably tell her. But then I realized that you did in fact mean maracas and I burst out laughing!! This.Is.Awesome.
I did the exact same thing with the maracas – thought it was mascara and it was a typo. So funny that you have FOUR in your diaper bag! And if there’s a story to read that concerns you wearing a diaper I can’t wait! BTW, after reading about your Oreo cookies earlier today I felt inspired and bought some when I was at Target tonight. I never buy Oreos. You totally influenced me – without intending to. Did you go to Famous Dave’s? They always give out Oreos to the kids. Ours closed down. #lame
Ha ha, I read mascara too. Maracas – that is awesome. I still have our diaper bag even though my son is 4. It has saved me more than a few times when he has soaked himself for some reason and I’ve been able to pull a change of clothes out of the car. LOL – I just pulled 4 diapers out of the side pocket the other day though and he’s been toilet trained for over a year!
I really get this. It is so hard to let go of the diaper bag! I still have mine – and still bring it with me if we are going out for a while – and my son has been fully trained for months. They hold so much, and you just never know when you might need to bring that little bit extra.
I read that as “4 different types of mascaras.” Honestly, “maracas” makes more sense to me.
I think it’s funny that so many people read “mascara”; mostly because I wrote the damn thing, and even *I* read it is mascara a few times when proofing@! 😉
Funny list. Reminds me of my old diaper bag, except I never had spare clothes when he needed them. More than once we had to borrow clothes or he had to come home with no pants due to an incident.
Yep, I read it as Mascaras too! 🙂
My hubs shoves like 20 diapers in our diaper bag every time we go anywhere. Even if we’re only off to the park for an hour. Drives me crackers! I’m glad I’m not the only one to have a butt load of nasty crumbs in the bottom of their bag! I finally joined the Listicles this week! I’ve been dying to for ages now:D
Funny lists! I have a ton of receipts too and of course the only one I ever need is the one I used to throw my gum away. 🙁
Stephanie – Okay, I’m guilty. I’m one guy that needs a bag of some sort, so, I carry a big old computer bag with me to work. Yes, it carries my laptop, and a portable printer, too! But it also carries extra paper, pens, aspirin, ointment, hi-liters, cologne, paper clips, ink cartridges, various cords to hook things up, three sets of earphones, AA batteries for the mouse, travel pkg of Kleenex’s, and who knows what else? My coat pockets are filled with loose change, a pocket knife, glycerin pills, two cigarette lighters and a pack of smokes, a note pad, index cards, a wallet, comb, more pens, gum, a couple of plastic floss sticks, and gloves. God, thank goodness I don’t wear a plastic pocket protector or you’d think I worked at Radio Shack! Hang in there! Us pack rats will never relinquish our stuff!
You make a good point, Rich. Why don’t men carry bags more often? They have stuff, too!
There are different types of maracas? I had no idea. Consider my edification justification for having those in your bag.
Cookies are always a good thing to have around.
I thought your wrote mascara too! I don’t have any receipts in my purse as soon as I get a receipt I put them in a basket in my kitchen.
Have a good day!
See unless we were going somewhere that we were going to be for a long time I never used a diaper bag. Hubby would shove a diaper in his back pocket and a bottle in the other. Wipes were in my purse. When we did carry a diaper bag we realized those must have diaper bag essential lists were crap. We never needed half the stuff in there. I think it is awesome you have musical instruments in there, my baby who is 13 would still be using them he loves anything that he can make a rhythm with.
First off, that bag is way hipper than the monstrosity I carried for 13 years.
I only wish I still had a diaper bag to do this listicle. It would make you feel so much better. Oh the crap I hauled around in that thing. 4 kids in 4 years, I never had much time to clean it out.
Now, I carry the most awesome purse ever that my friends want to steal it’s so cool, and I cram it with much of the same crap.
I very much enjoyed your list of things that should be in the bag but isn’t.
Your comments always make my day! Glad my bag is hipper than some bag out there in the universe… 🙂
I have perfected the art of making use Of the mountain of reciepts. They are great for spitting out gum. You can also use them to blog excess oil, as toilet paper in a pinch or just to wad up and bean your kid in the forehead. They totally don’t expect it so its a great distraction tehnique.
If it makes you feel better, I rarely had diapers in my diaper bag. But I did have a collection of receipts for spitting gum into and wiping noses in an emergency (’cause you know I didn’t have any tissues or wipes in there either!)
It actually makes me feel tremendously better… Thanks! 😉
You’ve got 18 mismatched socks in there, you are totally prepared for anything, socks are so versatile!!
I love this post! I literally laughed out loud! Glad to know I’m not alone–somehow, it’s like you read my mind and peeked into my own diaper bag. And don’t you know, cleaning out said bag was on my “to do” list today–but that doesn’t mean I’ll be any more prepared tomorrow, now does it?!
It took me forever to get rid of my huge purse, which also doubled as a diaper bag. My back and my sanity thanked me when I switched to a tiny purse. I love that you are so prepared and have everything I can never find any kleenex when I need it, and when I don’t I have an abundance. lol!! Great post!
OK, here goes: I still use the diaper bag when we go to the city for the day. It is the only way for me to log about my camera and all the things my boy needs to entertain him in restaurants and keep him warm in parks and… You get the idea. Diaper bags are not just for diapers, never break up with it!! But you should really have emergency chocolate for yourself…
Yeah, emergency chocolate is going straight to the top of the Things I Learned From Listicles today… 😀
I just started laughing uncontrollably at the “four types of maracas.” That’s just too awesome.
😀 Glad to hear it!
I finally stopped using my diaper bag about 6 months ago and will be honest I was never so happy, but will admit I had a Petunia Picklebottom bag (got on Zuilly for next to nothing during my second pregnancy). That said I read your first one two times, because I thought you were talking about mascara, but I haven’t used mascara in so long, so not even sure why I thought that, lol!! Great post and seriously even though I am back to a purse now I am sure I have a few crazy things in mine, too!!
It took me a long time to break up with my diaper bag too. I finally realized that a big stylish bag could do the same job as my dowdy looking diaper bag. And as for that change of clothes for the toddler, I can almost guarantee you that when you do actually need that change of clothes, your toddler will be at least 2 sizes bigger at that point and the clothes won’t fit.
Hilarious! I love the tampon Bawahaha! 22 years? Gosh that sounds like a lot of blood – but I’ve been menstruating for 20 so I’m not much better.
I hope the stars line up for you as it did for Christine. Your first purse after the diaper one should be FABULOUS and still big just incase you still want to carry any of that stuff 😉
I loved dumping the diaper bag. Except now, I keep on asking my elder daughter to carry wipes and a chair of pants for the 3 y o in her back pack…
OK, that is perfect. Get the big kid to carry all the little kid’s crap! Why did I not think of that sooner? Genius!
I have to laugh because I never used to carry around a purse. However, as I got older, I decided it was more necessary. Yet, it has become nothing more of a junk collector. The bigger the bag the more junk, and the more I can’t find what I need. However, last week I needed a snack and I did find a bag of animal crackers in there. Sadly, they tasted like body spray! YUK! Time to clean out the purse!
That is both gross and awesome. 😉
When Nate was a newborn, I used to carry pacifiers, a blanket, a spare set of clothes, rattles and ten tons of other crap that I usually didn’t end up using. The one useful thing I carried back then (and actually used) was this adorable knotted cap that covered his eyes (there were even closed eyes painted on the hat) to use when he fell asleep out and about, to eliminate visual distractions. That was back before he had the ability to remove any hat or other object I may mistakenly attempt to place on his head. 😉
These days, I am streamlined with a little black diaper backpack. I haven’t carried a change of clothes for him in many months. He was never one to have a blowout, although he has spit (or thrown) up on himself once or twice, so I guess I’ve been lucky. He was never really one to get diaper rash, so I haven’t carried diaper cream in a long time. I do have diaper wipes and handi wipes, a bib and sippy cup for eating out. I love my sippy cup tether, to keep him from throwing his sippy cup on the floor, but I only remember it about half the time. I carry convenience snacks like fruit strips, the dreaded cereal puffs (we are constantly crushing them underfoot throughout the house, as well).
But the best was the package of airplane shaped cookies I got on some airline flight ages ago, possibly even pre-Nate. I thought they could come in handy as a snack for him some time, but just kept carrying them around. Finally, a couple of weeks ago on a hike, my husband tried to eat them and spit them out saying they had gone rancid. And my husband has been known to eat some nasty, past-its-prime food, so if he says they were rancid, you *know* they were bad. I want bonus points for that one. 😉
OK, why do I not have a sippy cup tether? That is the best idea ever. If, of course, you remember to bring it! 😉 I am certain we have had some of our snacks waaay too long. Rancid airplane cookies can’t be good.
I clean out my purse each week (because I’m a tad weird) and put the massive amount of receipts in a shoebox underneath the bed???
I too, use the wipes for anything and everything – not just for cleaning my kiddo’s tail. We’ve gotten so addicted to them, there’s a case in just about every main room – bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen!
And if it makes you feel any better… it really wasn’t too long ago that I finally chucked the diaper bag and started carrying my own personal bag again. It was after our little one quit “needing” to pack so much. And even now, my bag/purse needs to be large so that I can fit his little backpack in it and anything else I deem necessary!
=D
Kate
Cleaning out your purse once a week is NOT weird, it is a great idea! I used to do that too- it was on my list of things to do every Friday. I’ve got to get back on that horse.
This was awesome! It gave me some giggles. You should talk to Erin about being prepared with diapers. I think by her 5th child, she didn’t carry a diaper bag and she NEVER had diapers.
And I think your bag is adorable. When I had babies you were hard pressed to find one that didn’t have Winnie the Pooh on it. I finally did find a Tommy Hilfiger backpack style one.
Ellen
I have seen a ton of those old school Winnie the Pooh 1990s diaper bags. You’re right- even the non-designer cheapos are better than that! Always happy to get a giggle from one or both of you!
OMG this is hilarious. And please take comfort in the fact that you are not only more feminine than I am but more trendy. Because? I carry a nastyass old backpack that has crumpled snacks, dried up wetones, a diaper that’s 3 sizes too small and who-the-hell-knows what else.
Because I am lazier than a cut dog in the summer, I also haven’t cleaned it since 2010. True.
LOVE this post. I must start to join in on your listicles. AWESOME. Like, well, you. <3
I miss diaper bag days…it gave me a reason to carry around a lot of crap that might otherwise appear to be worthless. FWIW I think your bag is hip.
Oh, thank you! I am feeling less chagrined by its lack of style by the minute!
Would you go for a diaper bag with a shoulder strap or one in backpack design? A lot of the designs that are coming out in the market are in backpack design which is more convenient for any parent. With a backpack diaper bag, you have both hands free to take care of your baby and carry other stuff.:.
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