Today’s Monday Listicles topic is 10 Things In Your Purse, suggested by Ducky. But here’s the thing: I don’t have a purse right now. I am still firmly entrenched in the era of The Diaper Bag. I know that I need to get a purse for those times when I go somewhere without my kids, and then I am stuck with either a) my gigantic, cumbersome, unattractive, and unnecessary diaper bag

See? It's not even hip, like those Petunia Picklebottom numbers. It's just big. And uncool.

See? It’s not even hip, like those Petunia Picklebottom numbers. It’s just big. And uncool.

or b) this tiny, handy little green thing that I can easily drop into my cavernous diaper bag. The problem with carrying this around by itself is that I have stuffed way more crap into it than it was originally intended to hold.

It fits nicely inside my diaper bag, but it's not supposed to be overflowing with junk.

It fits nicely inside my diaper bag, but it’s not supposed to be overflowing with junk.

See the problem? It’s time to get a purse. And here’s another thing- my diaper bag is filled with utterly ridiculous items that serve no purpose whatsoever, but if there is something I really, desperately need, like say, hmmm, an actual diaper? Nowhere to be found. In fact, at least 70% of the time I root around in my diaper bag for something I need, it’s not there. My diaper bag is a complete disappointment. An imposter of a diaper bag.

My list today will reveal some of the embarrassingly useless items in my diaper bag, as well as some of the mom-essentials that are glaringly absent from this supposedly helpful tote.

  1. 4 different types of maracas. As much as I wish I was exaggerating, I am not. There are literally four different maracas in the bottom of my diaper bag, surrounded by crumbs that may be as old as my daughter. Sure, I am a music teacher, and yes, they were helpful at distracting my toddler when she was a baby and we were on the go (it’s been about six months since they actually served as an interesting diversion for her), but let’s be real: there is no reason to carry musical instruments of any kind in my diaper bag. Or anyone’s.
  2. The aforementioned crumbs along with a plethora of crushed goldfish crackers and those damned Puffs that I crush under my feet every single day on the kitchen floor. If my closet is the place where nursing bras go to die, then my diaper bag is the place where goldfish crackers go to die. Wait, it’s a first place tie between my bag and my minivan.
  3. At the moment: 9 diapers however just last week I was chagrined to realize that I had long ago run out of my diapers for my diaper bag and had just happened to get lucky in that I didn’t find myself needing one. (for my toddler, not myself. Though that reminds me of an interesting story I may be brave enough to tell someday…spoiler alert: see final item on list for a preview)
  4. The motherlode of receipts Are there really organized people out there who keep receipts and do something appropriate with them? Because I just stuff them in my diaper bag or little green wallet thingie and assume that I will find something useful to do with them later. Like spit my gum into.
  5. A small package of Oreo cookies from that horrible dinner we had at the family restaurant last week. In our haste to depart before getting thrown out, I stuffed the kids’ menu dessert item into my bag, with every intention of eating the cookies myself rather than giving them to my kids, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. In fact, I forgot they were there until I looked through my bag for this post.
This charming aerial view reveals one diaper, an empty snack dish, one of said maracas, and a nice shot of all the crap inside my green wallet.

This charming aerial view reveals one diaper, an empty snack dish, one of said maracas, and a nice shot of all the crap inside my green wallet.

Now for some things that most definitely should be in my diaper bag, but aren’t, because I suck.

  1. Kleenex What prepared mom doesn’t have Kleenex in her purse? I am ashamed. I have failed.
  2. A change of clothes for my toddler You know, my 16 month old child, the reason why I carry a diaper bag? What is the point of lugging that thing around if I am not prepared for her explosively vomiting all over her clothes? Or at the very least, squeezing applesauce all over herself. (I do, however, have at least 18 mismatched socks pooling around in there.)
  3. Diaper rash cream, hand sanitizer, Wet Ones I am seriously hanging my head in shame. I am a huge failure as a parent. I figure, we can always break out a little extra A&D at home if we need it, this is my second kid, so whatever, and the baby wipes can double for surface wipes, except for the fact that they are meant for butts, not germ-infested shopping carts.
  4. A selection of healthy and appealing snacks See above reference to old goldfish and Puffs
  5. Tampons I have been menstruating for 22 years. There is no excuse for me asking another woman for a feminine hygiene product. Ever. It’s not like there isn’t enough room in the frickin’ bag for at least 520 tampons.

So in conclusion, I suppose if I’m not going to carry actual useful items that would benefit my toddler or myself, there really is no point in even having a diaper bag. I really should get a trendy, pretty purse that I will not feel compelled to pretend isn’t mine. Perhaps in light of our recent weaning, I am reluctant to make any rash moves that would indicate we are even further away from babyhood. Plus, the idea of having such a giant bag gives me a false sense of security that I actually am prepared. I mean, with such an enormous amount of storage space, surely there is something useful in there, right?


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