I told myself I wouldn’t write about this. Nearly a year ago, I made a pact that I would keep this struggle private, that there was no need for me to share it with an audience. That somehow, by keeping it secret, it remained sacred and more authentic.
But I just can’t do it anymore.
So there—that title looming up at the top of the page—I’ve put it out there to get it out of my brain. I can’t decide if I want to have another baby or not. Maybe by sharing my ambivalence I will find some clarity. I’ve always felt a little ashamed of myself when I can’t keep my mouth shut about things; maybe it’s a “writer thing”— that need to make something real and tangible by putting it on the page, and maybe it’s a “blogger thing”— that need to have witnesses to prove that your words exist. Whatever it is, I’ve always had a hard time keeping tough choices to myself; I crowdsource for opinions, inspiration, insights. And then I beat myself up, wishing I could be more private, more refined.
But who the hell am I kidding? So now it’s out in the open: I have two beautiful little girls—ages 8 (in just a few weeks, that is) and nearly 3—and I’m on the fence about whether I want to experience it all again or quit while I’m ahead.
Here’s the thing: I love being pregnant (despite a very difficult pregnancy with my second child), and I love having babies. Perhaps it’s crazy, but after struggling with an undiagnosed swallowing disorder during my pregnancy, giving birth was an incredibly powerful redemptive experience; minutes after delivery, awash in hormones, adrenaline, and new maternal love, I thought, “I can’t wait to do this again!” It’s true: Giving birth to my daughters was the most incredible thing my body has ever done. After my prolonged illness, a history of bizarre and difficult to diagnose medical conditions, and maybe even a general propensity toward self-doubt and perceived weakness, giving birth felt like one of the few things my body got right.
And I want to do it again. I want to feel those pregnancy kicks, breathe in the newborn smell, to nurse and hold my baby and watch her (or him) grow. But when it comes down to it, I’m not sure it’s a good idea.
For a long time, my husband and I talked casually about “that third baby.” Even when I was still pregnant with our second daughter, there was an unspoken understanding that we’d probably have one more. Her infancy was nearly idyllic, although she didn’t sleep through the night for fifteen long months. When I weaned her at sixteen months, I had mixed emotions, but didn’t believe I had just finished nursing my last baby. Though I was thrilled to be the mother of two girls, there was a vague sense of incompletion just beneath the surface.
Perhaps it was because of that damn tarot reading I had just months after my first daughter was born. The psychic that saw me that day intuited a whole host of things that proved true, so how could I not have faith in her assertion that I would have three children, “including the boy I’d been waiting for?”
As our daughter’s second birthday loomed, we began to have more concrete discussions about that hypothetical third child, whom (thanks to my psychic buddy) I’d begun to imagine as a boy. My husband could’ve cared less—he would be thrilled to be the father of three girls.
We had a few months of willy-nilly birth control paired with intense discussions about retirement savings, child care scheduling, and maternity leave; each month, I found myself disappointed when my period would arrive again. I hadn’t quite sold myself on the idea that we could pull off this family-of-five thing, but at my core, I knew I wanted to become pregnant again. I realized I was subconsciously hoping for an “oops,” as if to absolve myself from any sense of responsibility for expanding our family. You know, in case that third kid turned out to be the worst idea ever, I could shrug my shoulders and say, “It’s not like we were trying- it just happened!” Acknowledging that I was hoping for an accidental pregnancy to spare myself the accountability made me cringe—some family planning technique!
But we didn’t have an “oops,” and it was time to get serious and confront my own ambivalence.
- Could I really handle a third baby?
- How on Earth would I get us out of the door every morning? I sucked enough as it was at meeting the schoolbus on time.
- What if that third kid was the tipping point, and this time I would really never get my body back?
- We had almost reached the light at the end of the tunnel—we were sleeping through the night, had finished potty-training, had more independence—did we really want to start all over again?
- What would happen to my career? I’d worked so hard to establish myself in the writing community- would I have to give up?
I tried to coax myself into having a more optimistic outlook—maybe ours would be the first baby in the history of the world to actually make life easier for a family! Since I’d noticed a distinct trend of getting more confident and mellow with each subsequent child, perhaps #3 would be the one to push me over the edge into actually becoming a “laid-back” person! I also felt buoyed by the fact that one doesn’t often hear the words, “Wow, I sure wish we hadn’t had that last kid!” And really, three isn’t even that many kids these days—5 kids is totally the new 3 kids, am I right?
For months I vacillated between half-assed birth control attempts, some actual “trying,” disappointment when my period would arrive, and then, later, profound relief when I didn’t become pregnant. It was a headf*ck, to say the least. I had been such an overachieving fertility expert with my previous pregnancies, and I wanted to spare myself that all-consuming obsession with conceiving.
I felt as though I couldn’t see what was in my heart, that my head was too clouded with fear, pros and cons, and what-ifs. I had never felt so indecisive in all my life. My fears were difficult to look in the face, but I tried:
- What if I regret it?
- What if we don’t have enough love and time for all three?
- Will our two daughters feel neglected and resentful?
- What if I am too selfish? I don’t want to give up on my body, my dreams, my career.
- Our youngest daughter won’t be the baby anymore.
It was the last one that got me. In my mind, I could see two clear paths: on one, we remained a family of four. Our youngest daughter was the baby forever, and we cherished the dynamic of watching the “two sisters” play together and be a team. On the other path, we had another baby. Maybe it was a boy, maybe not. There was room for everyone—the girls still remained close, and we got to witness both of them becoming big sisters to our new baby.
Which path was better? There is no way to tell, and no wrong answers, as far as I’m concerned. Just different choices. Many of our challenging life transitions aren’t black and white; have you ever switched jobs or moved out of state, knowing that it was the right thing to do? It’s okay to ponder, or even mourn, the life you left behind, and wonder what would have happened if you’d stayed. Choosing to have another child, or choosing not to, isn’t innately good or bad. It just is. It is deciding to turn your back on one road, and walk down another.
And after months and months of playing out those two scenarios in my mind, of considering questions like, “Can we afford another baby?” and “What if I just can’t get pregnant anymore?” and “How will it change our lives?” I had another realization. What if me wanting to have a third child had less to do with adding to our family and more to do with my reluctance to admit that the baby-making stage of life was over for me? Would I ever be able to accept that—even if I had another baby, or 2, or 3?
Maybe it’s the part of me that has a hard time moving on. The part of me that obsesses over and glorifies the past. The part of me that mourns every single tiny little loss that comprises parenthood: weaning, starting preschool, not needing to be rocked before bedtime… It gave me pause: getting pregnant, giving birth, and raising another child shouldn’t be chosen just simply out of sadness or grief that life is moving forward, or out of a desire to “do it all again.”
Gotta love the bump.
I decided to “try on” the choice that our family is complete. I tried to stop daydreaming about having another baby and just appreciate our two daughters—without hypothesizing about that phantom third child. I relaxed. I realized how good we had it: our daily routine is getting easier, travel is more fun, my stress level is manageable, and my career is thriving. Why shake things up? I began to embrace the late-night bottles of wine with friends and neighbors, without worrying if I might be pregnant and shouldn’t be drinking. I started working out again, celebrating the possibility that my body might finally get slimmer and stronger again, rather than thinking, “Pfft- who cares? I’m just going to get pregnant again!”
I think there are mothers who do amazingly well jugging three, four, or even five kids while also working at full or part-time jobs. They thrive, they do it with grace. But deep in my heart, I think that I am probably not one of those women. I am too sensitive, I become overstimulated too easily, and I already struggle with staying balanced. But I wish envy those women, just as I envy the mothers who have always known they would only have two children in their family, women who don’t have to worry about changing their mind or second-guessing their plan.
I’ll be honest—I still have no idea what will happen. Despite my new philosophy of accepting our family as it is, I still tear up sometimes when I see pregnant women or newborn babies. At night I sometimes dream that I am pregnant, always experiencing a thrill when, in my dream state, I realize I get to “do it again.” Perhaps we’ll make a choice—to try again—and we won’t get pregnant. Or perhaps we’ll decide that our family is complete—and then we’ll have an “oops.” The part of me that wants to hide from this monumental decision wants to make room for the possibility that The Universe will just decide for me. More likely, I need to continue my soul-searching to clarify what it is that I really want, and more importantly- why I want it.
***
I could get to experience that magic of watching my belly grow, of falling in love with a child again, of watching my youngest child become a big sister. I could make it work.
I could follow my friends whose children are older, whose vacations are becoming less shitty each year, whose daily lives are becoming easier, into the light. I could watch my career grow, my routines become less stressful, my body become fitter.
I could… I could…
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Stephanie Sprenger
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Stephanie, I thought about this too off and on for awhile, but I just couldn’t go through another high risk pregnancy after all I wen through with my second pregnancy with Lily and fearing that midway through my second trimester I might lose her. So, I made the hardest decision of my life to have an IUD put in. I will say that as much as I have accepted it, I still get weepy at times. I truly hope that you will get to be pregnant again if that is what you want and send good thoughts for this your way. And had to also just say thank you again for remaining as a host with Kristi and truly appreciate you, your support and friendship always. Thank you 🙂
I know, Janine- I remember you talking about why you just couldn’t do it again. And I think even knowing that it’s the right thing for your family, many moms still get misty imagining having another baby…
And I appreciate you, your support, and your friendship, too! Glad to be able to help FTSF stay alive! xo
Oh my gosh, I can so relate to this! I have had the same debate so many times over the years. My first pregnancy, with twins, was so rough that I wanted desperately to do it again for all the typical reasons, but also because I wanted to experience a “normal” pregnancy. And I did and it was great and I got the girl (after two boys) and she was perfect. I thought I was good at the baby thing, so I lobbied for two years before winning my husband over. Then we had the fourth and it was kind of a repeat of the third, in a good way, but I was tired and there were things I hadn’t considered, but there was soooo much love and I wanted to do it again. I think I would have kept on going, but hubby put a stop to it, and I think he may have been right. Not because I wouldn’t have loved another, but because maybe it was because I didn’t want to admit that that phase was over. Ouch. But, I think I am much older than you, so I say – actually, it’s none of my business, but you’ll just know what to do.
Ha- well I sort of *made* it your business by blogging about it, right? I think I know where you were headed with that, and yes, I do have *some* time to decide. I’m glad to hear other people have struggled with the end of the baby phase, and to know that I’m not the only one who had a hard time deciding when to stop. Thanks for the support, Allie!
Yup, I know that this is a hard decision. We decided to stop after two kids. I still sometimes think about what it would have been like to have a third child, even though I know that door has closed. It’s a bittersweet choice, but it is part of what keeps life so poignant.
Thanks so much for hosting with Kristi, and keeping FTSF going strong! This is the first blog hop that I joined as a blogger (thanks Kristi for encouraging me!) and it is still one of my favorites. See you next time!
Thanks for that, Anna. It is a bittersweet choice, and I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who wonders, What if?
Honestly, I too love those nine months when the baby is developing within…such a wonderful feeling to give life, but after I got arthritis I thought of nurturing one rather than asking for help all the time, or have that frown on my face.
I am sure you are having a wonderful time with your adorable daughters. Love that pix of you two sharing a cone!
Sometimes it’s clear that we have to choose ourselves, our bodies, and our family members over having another baby. And yes, I do love all the time I get with my girls!
I lived through many years of the — trying to conceive — body fixation. It was emotionally exhausting. No likey at all. But life continued to roll on and after giving birth, two children became ours through adoption. It took a long time to make peace with my body about the inability to get pregnant again. If I ever completely did.
Yes, it IS a fixation, isn’t it? I’m sure no matter which path we choose (or just end up on…) I will struggle to make peace with it. Thanks for sharing your experience, Jamie- I appreciate it.
aw, damnit. I could and I could, too. I’m much (ok not “much” but much when it comes to child bearing years) older than you are and could NOT stomach that my son would be my only. I still have a hard time with it, and I’ll be fourtyfuckingsix this month. I loved being pregnant (until I didn’t) and I loved breastfeeding (and my son weaned himself at like I don’t even know – 15-18 months) and, well that. But also, I get all of the inbetweens and the sibling jealousy and pride. Honestly, I think that whatever happens is fine. I’m not trying, even now at 45. But I’m not on birth control either. So. um.
Well maybe that’s not honest, as there was one month I thought I was pg and panicked, about all that could be wrong with the baby…. uff. YOU ARE BRAVE and awesome for writing this. For real.
Do it, Kristi! DO IT!!!
Thanks, my love. I’m not sure if it was brave or oversharey- it’s a fine line. I too had a brief panic awhile back, and it made me wonder if I really *did* want another one after all… There are so many different sides to consider; it drives me crazy thinking about it.
We were diagnosed with secondary infertility while trying for our second child (I have DOR and my husband has MFI). After working hard to accept we’d probably never have a second child (we couldn’t afford fertility treatments and had been told we had a 2% chance of conceiving on our own) we were very lucky that a combination of acupuncture and following a strict TCM diet helped us get pregnant. The high of having a second child when we thought we’d never experience that was incredible and it made my last pregnancy very special.
But still, after all that, I wish we could have a third. Even though my husband isn’t really interested and our infertility makes it damn near impossible, I still pine after a third child. The reality is, it’s easy to want something you know you can’t have, than make the hard decision like you did, to decide whether or not you actually want it. I talk a lot about wishing I could have a 3rd child but not being able to put myself through the pain of trying and not succeeding in getting pregnant, but if I actually had to make the choice I don’t know if I would go through with it. I don’t know if my marriage could handle it, honestly.
That long story is just to say, I understand. It’s a hard decision to make and I’m almost thankful I don’t really have to make it. I hope you make peace with yor decision at some point. I hope we all find that peace.
Yes, it is SO easy to pine for something you can’t have. And the whole process can be a terrible strain on a marriage, which is such a valid consideration. Thanks for sharing your experience- reading these comments is really helping me a lot!
That you’re even having this conversation with yourself means that you want it, so just do it! We have three and it’s a clusterfuck, but I love ’em all. Wife was done I think after two because she worries about money and whatever, but for obvious reasons, she couldn’t keep her hands off of me and one morning I heard her sobbing in the bathroom and I knew…a third baby!! A boy would so make your life awesomer!
Don, your comments are always my favorite. Your perspective is so refreshing. I know there is actual seriousness mixed in there with the hilariousness.
I really enjoyed reading this 😉 I can relate as this is what I went through when I only had my eldest. I kinda knew I wanted more kids, but then I wondered, Did I really want more kids? It’s so easy right now. We’re all sleeping through the night. Outings aren’t hectic. But I think in the back of my mind I knew I wanted my kid to have a sibling. I had wanted to have two kids.
Well, I ended up with three (twins). Even before I knew they were twins, I figured this would be my last pregnancy. And then I realized I had twins, and my body carried twins and all their ailments and complications, and I *really* knew I was done.
Honestly though, I say that now, but with my eldest, I only started entertaining the thought of having kids once he got easier at around 2.5. Before that I didn’t really think about it but once he got easier that was when I was more open to it. So who knows, maybe when these twins are 2.5 haha. But more than likely, I’m done. My body went through hell with three complications and a huge belly and looking back I think I was depressed, so I don’t think I want to go through that (whereas my eldest’s pregnancy was nearly flawless).
It’s making me feel so much better reading that other people have had a hard time figuring out if they were actually “done.” I think I’ve always assumed that everyone just goes into parenthood knowing exactly how many kids they want to have. Although, having a “plan” doesn’t necessarily always mean that’s what you’re going to get, does it? 🙂 Thanks for sharing your experience!
I totally related to this post. I already have three (that was a given), but I find myself yearning for number four. I think it’s some kind of biological imperative. Either way – if it hasn’t happened yet, it’s not happening. Hubs is going in for the big v in a week and a half.
Good luck. Three is a lot of fun. But two was great too.
Yes, it does feel like a biological imperative, doesn’t it? I hope you feel a good sense of peace and closure after the big V! 🙂
I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. I was an older mother, and initially thought 2 would be enough, but when my second daughter was 2, I had an intense longing to have another baby. I found it interesting that you partly wanted to do it again because it was something your body got right – part of my longing was for the exact opposite – my first daughter was born by emergency Caesarean, and my second was 3 months early. So I did have a longing for a normal birth!
My husband was clear that he didn’t want more children, so we didn’t try again. I did feel grief about that decision for a while, and for much longer I felt grief that the babies I did have were growing up. I appreciated and loved my daughters at whatever stage they were at (and still do) but every now and then there would waves of longing for those tiny babes. It didn’t help that I judged myself for that, and told myself I *should* just love them as they were. I remember talking to a friend about my feelings, and she replied she never felt that way, which left me feeling even worse.
My daughters are teenagers now, and I don’t feel that grief. I can remember when they were little and enjoy those memories, without the longing. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have another child because I didn’t – as you say there is no right or wrong decision. What I do suggest is that you let go of trying to figure it out, and instead allow the feelings and thoughts to come and go – and then see what’s left.
Yvonne, thanks so much for sharing that; I really appreciate hearing your perspective. And thanks especially for being so honest. Your advice in the last sentence is absolutely perfect- it made me feel a little teary, actually. Such great insights there! THANK YOU!
Oh, I hear your confusion and indecisive agony! I was (am?) one of those 2 kids only people but as my toddler began to grow out of his baby-ness I felt a flicker of longing I didn’t expect to have, and I suspect my husband did too. But – well, there are several big buts, we haven’t quite recovered from our first. Our daughter has been a challenge from day 1. And she’s 6 now. No one sleeps well around here, and I’m pushing 40 and feeling it. Now that the glimmers of less shitty vacations looms ahead (well I certainly hope so!) and my writing time begins to open up…. I know I’m done, despite loving (mostly) being prego (oh those kicks! That beautiful private love affair with mystery human) and giving birth was THE most powerful and incredible (um yeah painful too) experience of my life… Alas, two it is.
I wish you luck in figuring out the “right” choice for you and your family (if there is such a thing), and I totally get needing to make it public 🙂
-Dana
Thanks so much for that Dana- your comment was so validating! I also love how you described that private love affair with a mystery human- there’s just nothing like it, is there? But yeah, if we just stay on this path, things will be SO much easier…
Oy! I get his and have many friends who have gone through (or are currently going through) the same sort of struggle. Truthfully, I didn’t. I knew I wanted a third and I had one – then, I thought, “Crap! What have we done?!?!” The timing was just not good and the first few months were very difficult. That said, of course now that we have her (she tuns 7 next week!), I cannot imagine life without her. The thing is, once the third was born, I was done and I knew it with all my heart and soul. The “what ifs” don’t get me anymore. However, I do understand the conundrum and I hope you are able to make peace with whatever you decide. Hugs!
I’m so glad you don’t have those “what-ifs” anymore. Thanks for the encouragement!
Stephanie, I could have written this exact post myself years ago…I can relate to every word you said. I think so many – most women in fact, go through this for precisely what you said: it’s so difficult to let go of the baby-making phase. I had a really tough time with it, and in my case, it was whether we should go from 3 to 4 kids – yikes! We were like you – sort of trying, but not admitting to trying. In our case, two things happened: one, my body decided I was done (I was early 40s when I was sorta trying for #4) and two, a friend from my past re-entered my life with a terminal illness and suddenly I had this epiphany of wtf am I doing trying to get pregnant?? A 4th child would put me over the edge! I was finally honest with myself… In fact, a part of my memoir is about this subject. HOWEVER, that being said, I don’t know your exact age, but it sounds like you’re young enough to let this ambivalence continue for a while and frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that. No one is telling you you have to decide right now, so let it simmer some more and whatever happens happens…like you said, no one ever regrets having that additional child, but on the other hand, you may wake up one day like I did and finally declare, DONE! Thanks for writing on this subject – I bet you’ll strike a chord with many…
Oh, Emily, I appreciate that comment SO much. Thanks for sharing all that. (And I cannot WAIT to read your memoir!) I do hope that no matter what happens, I feel that DONE moment, but it may not be in the cards for me! Yes, I still have some time to mull it over (I’m 36) but I’m also one of those planning Type A folks who really likes to know what’s coming. It’s a good life lesson for me to sit with the unknown, I suppose. 🙂
I think we all struggle with the decision to have more children. Whether it is the 2nd one (after surviving the first) or the third or the tenth (although I think the Duggars are nutso). I admire your honesty with this post. How there are positives (and negatives) with either decision. I think A LOT of moms that have that “oops” that wasn’t really an “oops” but more of a leaving it up to the universe, or fate, or the God you believe in.
I also think you will have moment of contentment and also moments of “what if”. I think that is natural. Don’t you do it with your career? What if you became a professional writer at 18 rather than doing music therapy? What if you concentrated more on a being a concert cellist rather than working with kids who need you more?
I guess my point is that with every decision we make, we also second guess that choice. BUT by having a conversation with your husband and by looking at the choice at every angle you will make the best choice for you. Which will be the best choice for your family.
Cause your the mom and that’s what you do 🙂 Even if it results in an ‘oops’
I know- you really are so right. It’s like this with all those “what-ifs” in life. Thanks for the support, my friend!
I guess I’m one of those “I have two and I KNOW I’m only meant to have two” women that you envy 🙂 . Given my PPD after having my second, I just know that I cannot put myself through that again. I love this stage we are in now, with a 5 and almost-8. They play together. We can go places without a diaper bag and without worrying about nap schedules. We can go on vacations! Right now both kids are awake and I get to have a bit of time on the computer while they play… though I have been called away about 4 times just in writing this comment 😉 I loved being pregnant, even though I had a few medical issues … loved the kicks and all that… but I don’t think I could ever go through the infant years again. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but approaching 40…. I just don’t think I have the energy I had 8 years ago to deal with the sleep deprivation… And to have to change strategies from man-on-man defense with 2 to zone defense with 3 would be a big new trick for us old dogs!
I like how you say you are “living with” or “trying on” each decision. That’s how I like to approach things too — pretend the choice is made, and see how it feels. And I think the difficulty of this choice is that each choice is wonderful, each choice is a bit of an unknown and will always come with “what-if”s. I hear such different things, too, from my friends that have 3 — that it made things so much more chaotic, or that going from 2 to 3 was no big deal, because they were such ‘old hands’ at parenting.
All that said, I do feel compelled to share that my sister was just telling me last week that she read an article that said that the happiest parents are those that have all girls, then those that have a mix, and that the unhappiest parents are those of all boys. Just something to think about 😉
I love that you’ve shared your thoughts so honestly and openly about this. I’m sure many women can relate to it!
I do love the “trying on” approach- it’s a nice way for me to stay present and really feel things. Thanks for all your wisdom, advice, and support. I really appreciated your comment, my friend. xo
Interesting comment about mum’s with boys being the most unhappiest! I must be the saddest mum in the world then! I wonder who comes up with this rubbish!
I agree! I have three little boys and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. The fact that I am reading this article (and all of these comments) as I consider having another (boy OR girl) shows that is untrue. Parents who hate parenting don’t want more kids.
You’re thinking is so clear about it, the decision is just so hard. You handled this topic so well with your words. xo
Aw, thanks, my friend. I wondered if you would read this one. xoxo Missing you.
I lost my mind with 3 kids. Literally. On a plus note, hopefully it makes me more entertaining. But I am weird in the sense I don’t want another kid. Like I do. I want to hold a baby again. But at the same time, the idea of a 4th one terrifies me. I’m just already outnumbered and I’ve lost a lot of myself in this process now I’m desperately reaching to find her again. BUT at the same time, i won’t tie my tubes. I won’t close up shop. Just in case. Weird. Huh?
I can tell you 3 is much much crazier than 2, but I had my kids back to back. I’m not sure what it would be like with such a gap between them.
Ah, thanks for your honesty. It really does help to hear how people feel about their family size, and to learn what their experiences have been. So thanks for sharing… and co-hosting with us!
I was sure I wanted a second. I was sure I didn’t want a third.
Then after deciding that we didn’t, I panicked, my heart and head went into a tail spin, and both my husband and I did a complete turnaround. We decided that we would try for a third.
Of course now, in 8 weeks or so, we will be parents of FOUR. I think the Universe decided to put our minds and hearts at ease for good, because I am definitely not having more 🙂
I am all at once terrified and excited for the twins to join us. I do understand all your fears and concerns with both stopping at two kids, or trying for a third. I went through the same rollercoaster. I figured, that I couldn’t stop thinking about another child, was a sign that we do need another (or two in my case).
I hope that you will soon find the answer in your heart.
Thank you so much, Alison. I know I alluded to this topic when I commented on your recent post, and it’s just been weighing on me so much that I felt like finally writing about it. I am so happy for you, and I can’t wait to read about life with twins. I always appreciate your honesty and perspective. xo
My mom always said, don’t have another baby unless you’re LONGING for another baby. So, I realized for me, my family wasn’t complete with 2. I had a 3rd, and my precious Chandler makes my family complete for me. I can sincerely hold infants, look at them, watch my friends with swelling bellies and have absolutely NO desire to go through it all again. However, I get what you are saying about accepting that part of life is over. I’m almost 37, and it’s hard for me to reconcile that I’m done even though I still could. I think about that all the time and think, I’m able to, but I don’t want to. Maybe the beauty in that is….you have a choice. And there really is no wrong or right decision.
I have that comment, Meredith, and also the advice about the longing. I feel like I DO long to have another baby… and then there’s that contradictory part of me that also longs to have more ease in life, to rest more, to feel less frazzled and stressed… that seems in direct opposition to having another baby! You’re right, though- there’s no right or wrong decision. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Every line in this post resonated with me. It’s as if you jumped in my brain and played around a bit which means you’ll know about that one time in a ditch…
I want one. Oh I want one. I loved being pregnant. I was that jerk who boasted about how awesome it was to not be able to sleep because I could feel the kicks. Oh and when he hiccupped. Love. And the day dreams of what was to come…this little life….swoon.
I will not allow myself to have another for obvious reasons. A. It isn’t responsible B. We can’t afford it C. Chunky is all that my heart can wrap around and my heart is so beyond exploding D. Did I mention that it would be the most irresponsible thing because I’m nuts.
You have a choice love that weighs heavy on you. There are so many what ifs…and those are just what ifs. My mom had five of us and she loved each one just the same…albeit it was dysfunctional we all still felt loved.
There is no right or wrong…just lots of support and hugs coming your way xoxo
Oh, Kimberly, thanks for the support and hugs. I know you’re right- there is no right or wrong. I really appreciate you sharing your heart with me in this comment- it means a lot. xo
Thank you for the honesty here. I’ve been playing the “should I have a baby” game in my head lately too, and a lot of what you describe here is familiar. As always, you seem to be in my head.
Yeah, this totally applies to the “should I have a baby” game as well as the “should I have another?” scenario. Man, it’s complicated isn’t it? I’m glad this resonated with you– you make good head-company.
There’s never a right answer, is there? We dads go through it too. I see how beautiful things are with three girls, and I think, why disturb that? Then I wonder if another would be the most wonderful thing ever. Just as we wondered what three would be like after two.
And don’t get me started on thinking about who that next child would be. A son? Another daughter? Healthy, or not? All I know is what is before me today. And I love every bit of it.
Thanks for that, Eli- I appreciate it. Yes, sometimes I forget that dads go through these mindgames, too… 🙂 I’m glad I’m not alone.
I’m not sure I’m completely over not having another one. I honestly can’t say whether or not I made the choice or if it just never happened. I also hoped for the ooops knowing that it would easier than planning. I went through a bunch of years trying to have Christopher and I didn’t want to go through that again. An ooops would be wonderful. Now Christopher’s almost 10 and I’ll be 44 and I don’t want an ooops, but I guess I’m also not over being the mother of an only child or more so for him, I am hoping that me and his dad are enough.
This is so interesting, Kenya. I think I’ve always assumed that the majority of people didn’t have those doubts, those what-ifs. I’m feeling much less alone. 🙂 Thanks for that.
As someone with 2 who is sure they are done, this made me feel for you. I know lots of people in your boat, and it must be a very hard decision. Your writing always sucks me in and I appreciate how honest you are. #bloppies
Ah, thanks. I can be honest, that’s for sure. It took me a LONG time to decide to finally write about this.
I’ve so been at the same point, Stephanie, wondering and worrying about the very same things. Somehow, the family didn’t feel complete, Lily SO wanted to have another little sibling, and we wondered if becoming a big sister would also help Violet to become more independent and not rely on “being the baby” that much when it suited her. On the other hand, yes, we were out of the diaper stage, we were able to go on dates again, my boobs were not food any more, and work was going well. And after all, our family was perfect for most of the time.
As life happened, I ran out of birth control last fall, then became very sick and was on antibiotics for almost 2 weeks, and had a very erratic cycle. And before we knew it, the winter holidays came around and with it those two little lines.
Yes, we were excited and lookign forward to this little guy who’s going to join our family in the next few days. And yes, there have been the doubts in the past months as well. If it was the right decision to add to the family, how would it turn out financially, would it be more a trauma to Violet than a positive experience, and I think it’s normal to be nervous. Deep down, I know that everything will be alright, it always has been.
Oh, congratulations! I love it when life just happens, and you know things have worked out exactly the way they were supposed to… 🙂
Thank you so much for being so honest about such a tough dilemma. I’m pregnant with #2 right now, and had #1 after a lot of difficulty getting and staying pregnant. I thought for sure when I got pregnant this time around, that would be it…and now I don’t know. So, all to say — you are NOT alone (but I have to believe that life will be sweet and crazy and fun whichever way you decide).
Oh, thanks so much for that! It really does help to know I’m not the only one who has gone through this crazy not-knowing-what-to-do stage. And congrats about #2- yay! 🙂
It was like having my own thoughts read to me without remembering ever sitting down to actually write them.
The opening paragraphs were just brilliant. I’ve often asked myself the same thing – what is this obsession, I didn’t realize was in me, to share the most intimate details with a crowd? I think you’ve made such great observations there and I understand myself a little better now 🙂
As for the back and forth? Nailed it. This is a perfect description of that state of indecisiveness. I can so relate to every single pro and con. In fact, before reading your post, or even realizing that you wrote about this today, I was walking with Ben from the grocery store thinking about the dynamics of a 5-people family. I was thinking (as a typical single child, probably) that being the middle child is so cool since you get to be both somebody’s big and little sibling. I was trying this notion on imagining Daniel in that role, asking myself if he could pull it off. And then I read this. Whatever happens is the right thing. That which was meant to be. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. 🙂 xoxox
I thought this might resonate with you, my friend. Thanks so much for your kind, supportive words. You always make me feel better, and less alone. xo
I struggled with this before adopting our third. I kept waiting for a “feeling” to come along to tell me it was time to adopt again. As soon as we adopted our first, I was immediately ready to adopt our second. As soon as we were allowed, we started the process again. But number three? I was overwhelmed with two, I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, it was hard. Then three years later, I felt like our family was normalizing, like I was able to handle it more and my sons were playing together so well that I would find myself sitting around with nothing to do for hours everyday. I “felt” ready to adopt again. Now that we have our third, I don’t regret it at all and I love having a daughter – love it! – but it’s even more chaotic than before. I think that emotionally, I’m in a better place, so that’s good, but my boys still play together so nicely that when my daughter tries to join, problems happen – fighting, screaming, headaches for me. Plus, I have TWO hyper kids now. I spend a lot of time playing with my daughter now. I’m sending her to kindergarten next week because even though I’ve homeschooled my boys this whole time, I can’t do three, at least for now. So, yeah, everything is turned upside-down and the dynamic of the family has changed, but I absolutely LOVE the dynamic it has become. I love each of my kids so much. I think whatever you decide, like you said, there will be pros and cons to either way. It’s just a different path. And yet so hard to decide.
I really appreciate that, Kate. I know you take the good with the bad with whatever family expansion choice you make… I’m sure it would mean more chaos and stress, but more love and fun, too. And I keep waiting for “that feeling” that means I’ll just know… but what if I never get it?
This was so honest and I know that many many many friends of mine in town would relate. I have several friends with two kids and they have that feeling (because of age and reality) the window is closing to make a decision. Yet, no clear choice exists. This may sound crazy, but my husband would have one more if I thought I could handle 5. I know I cannot though.
I’m even envious that you are clear on THAT limit, Nina! I feel like I truly don’t know what I can handle; sometimes I think I have no business handling the two I have, and other times I think I’m an old pro at this. Crazy-making… 🙂 Thanks for the support! And yes, the window is closing for sure…
I hope writing this helped you, Stephanie. You touched on so many things that many mothers can relate to. We had the third child discussion when my youngest was two, and decided that was it. I don’t regret it at all. But sometimes I do think about the ghost of a ten year old I would now have, and I don’t think I would have regretted that decision either.
Thanks for that, Dana. It did help in many ways, and I’m also just accepting that maybe I’m not going to know right now, even though I want to have it all figured out. I think we can all see those ghosts lingering in our lives, in many forms… 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Stephanie. Lovely post and articulates well what so many struggle with. You’re not alone. I was always ambivalent about having kids. Knew I could never be a stay-at-home mom, just not for me. But I also thought if I had one, I’d probably have two. Due to life circumstances it seems I will be one and done and I’m okay with that. BUT there are those nights I miss my daughter’s infancy stage. My baby will be 4 in a few short weeks but she’s still my baby and wants to snuggle. I suppose I’m just glad it’s not all the time now.
I’ve found that ambivalence permeates my overall experience with motherhood, to be honest. There is so much beauty amidst the chaos, so much frustration amidst the joy- it’s not black and white by any means. And I have the exact same polarities when I think about what it would mean to grow our family even more… I appreciate your comment!
The decision to have three was not one that we “made”. My Butterfly was destined, I guess. I had an IUD that failed. We never made the decision. Although life is a LOT harder because with only two parents, you can’t evenly divide up the kids and the duties, and starting over with nursing and trying to build a business at home, only nine months in and I can’t imagine my life any different. I can’t tell you what’s right for you. Two was great for us, but three is just as good. Busier, harder, but for every negative, I can think of five positives… more giggles, more experiments, doing things different, where I thought I messed up, and the ability to watch each of them grow in their own separate way. I pray you find peace with whatever decision you make, either one is life changing.
Oh, I love that comment, April,and what a great perspective. Sometimes choices just make themselves, huh? 🙂
I definitely can see what you mean. After having our first child together, I thought about when and if having another one was a good idea. And then one day we decided to just let go and leave it all up to the Creator. We ended up getting pregnant when our first was 19 months and we lost that baby in March. So I prayed that He would take the desire away to have more if it wasn’t His will for us, but if it was, to please open up my womb. I didn’t expect to be pregnant again just 3 months after our loss. I’m now in the 2nd trimester and nearing the 4 month mark. I say all that to say, just letting go and finding contentment in the present is probably the best thing I ever did. It sounds like you are pretty much doing that by enjoying your girls and your family of 4. Being a wife and mother is the most precious thing to me. I’m totally fine with having as many as we can from now until when I can’t have any more babies. 🙂
Good grief, it’s like you just sucked the thoughts out of my own heads, right down to the two daughters, and the not sure if I can could manage the stress and the stuff or if I am really just sad about the idea of not having the kid-raising go on forever. I’m right here with you in limbo land.
*head. I only have one head.
Thank you for sharing your extremely honest thoughts on whether to add to your family. I have come to the realization that I will NEVER feel “done” having children. I have been blessed with 3 but I had always fantasized about 5.
I found your blog because I Googled “I can’t decide to have another baby. ” I went back and forth on this for a long time and five months ago my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our third. We were really lucky because we got pregnant easily with our daughter who is five and our son who is two.
Even though we were pregnant I constantly suffered from doubts, such as, am I making the right decision. Then right at the three month mark we lost the baby. It’s a horrible feeling to think I didn’t know if I made the right decision so the choice was taken out of my hands.
It’s been a couple of months since the loss and my husband wants to try again but I struggle with the same decision as you. Should we do this again. The same thoughts you have, I have. I always wanted a huge family and somewhere along the way I think this changed a little. I wish there was an easy answer.
It sure is a tough decision.
Thanks so much for sharing, and I hope this helped you a little. If nothing else, to know that you are not alone. I am so sorry about your loss- I bet it added a whole other layer of emotion to an already difficult situation. I have had 3 losses myself, and I know there are so many layers of feelings there. I am wishing you peace with whatever you decide. xo
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for this article! I too am struggling with the exact same indecision and it is such a relief to know that I am not alone. I too am the mother of 2 beautiful girls age 11 and 8, but I just turned 40 this year and personally I do not want to risk the complications that can result with having a baby after 40. There is a definite increase in down syndrome risk and although you can find 10 people who will tell you their success stories of having perfectly healthy babies after age 40, you can also find 10 people who will tell you otherwise. Do I have regrets? Absolutely, but for me it was primarily a financial decision. What I find interesting in these comments is that nobody really mentions finances as a reason for stopping at 1 or 2. All the rest – the diapers, the sleepless nights, the crying – all fade away rather quickly, but the financial responsibility is there forever. My parents had a third when I was 11 years old and although I cannot imagine life without my brother, I have seen firsthand how that child later in life completely depleted any chance at a retirement for my parents. My husband and I work hard to provide for our girls a nice life today, but we also work hard and plan even harder so as to not be a burden on them in our old age. I dreamed of a large family, but alas life didn’t quite work out that way. It is hard sometimes to remember our blessings and like my husband says – the measure of a good mother is not in the number of children she has, but in the relationship she develops with each one. So I have decided to concentrate my efforts and all the “extra” love I have in my heart on the 2 babies I do have and then I cross my fingers and hope for at least 1 or 2 grandbabies 🙂
Thank you for sharing.
I have four sons 7 and under. I assumed we’d have one more. My husband has become increasingly convinced that we are done. We did a little of the not-so-careful birth control and I did get pregnant. Unfortunately, I miscarried two weeks ago. Now my husband is sure we’re done and I’m struggling to figure out why I want another. I am so lucky to have four healthy, happy kids. I struggle with hyperemesis during the first trimester. I’ve had three miscarriages, and one pregnancy with significant complications. But I feel I have more love to give. There is room for one more in our house, our car, our budget, and my heart.
And yes, I found going from 2 to 3 difficult, but mostly because when I had my third my oldest was a difficult just turned three year old who had just potty trained and my second was a very active and curious 20 month old. What do you do when the 3 year old has to poop, the baby is nursing, and the 20 month old is taking everything out of the cabinets? Deal with it, wonder what you were thinking having three, and years later look back and laugh. Adding the fourth was a piece of cake because back-to-back miscarriages caused us to leave more of an age gap between them.
I hope you were able to come to a decision which leaves you satisfied. I wanted to let you know your post is still helping.
We have one daughter, an 18mo, and having been going back and forth on this for the last half year (I Googled “do I want to have another child” and found your post). A few weeks ago I thought, YES I want another child. Then my period was a couple days late and I started panicking, thinking what if the morning sickness is really bad, and what if my body doesn’t return to the state it should be in, and what would having a second child do to my career, and could I handle two kids on my own when my husband is away working. I thought maybe the desire for another child was being triggered by seeing many of my friends pregnant or with young babies now, and not wanting to admit those days were over for me. I told my husband last night maybe we shouldn’t have another child after all. But now my period is here and I feel disappointed.
It took a long time to become pregnant with our first child, and even if we do ultimately decide to have a second child I don’t want my waking thoughts to be consumed by the desire to conceive as they were the first time. But now I find them being similarly occupied by the question of should we even try. And there are bins of baby clothes in the basement taking up storage space because we’re not sure if we’ll need them again soon. Gah.
I am in the same boat and found this post the exact same way. We had challenges in getting pregnant with our first and delivered via emergency c-section. I had some blues in her early days, but rallied and she is the joy of my life. We were “one and done”. We knew that. We fought off the judgements and stood firm…but now she’s three and life is so much easier and 30 is right around the corner, literally. Are we really done? The doubt scares the hell out of me. To have been so sure, does the question alone give us the answer?
Now the hubs is 100% on the 2nd baby track and I’m left worrying: “Am I going to do this and completely screw up our lives?”. I know that is horrible to say, but it’s the honest worry. She’s so beautiful, smart, kind, she sleeps…perfect…is it greedy to go for two? Can we handle it? Sure, we’ll survive, but will our family suffer or thrive? Shit, with whatever the hell happened on the tail end last time, is it even safe? I feel like I can picture our lives either way. I just know that I’ve never been willing to part with our “baby things”…
Lauren, I’ve read the whole of this thread and your reply resonated the most with me. Our daughter is 3 and a half and I can’t decide whether to just go for it or whether it will as you put screw up our lives! We are very happy and too have stood firm with the judgement of only having one child, we went to a party at the weekend and friends who we hadn’t seen for a while kept asking us are you going to have another one 6 different people asked us the same question it was tiring and my responses were robotic justifying our decision (no one asked the woman next to me with two children if she was going to have another incidentally) but now the thought of another is back in my head and I just can’t decide…..
This is the problem I have too. We were one and done. After having a tramautic experience delivering my son, which led to an emergency c-section and 6 days in the hospital unable to walk, we decided no more. No way was I going through that again. But I am only 25. So everyone I know told me to wait with getting my tubes tied or having my husband get a vasectomy. “You’ll want another… just wait” is what everyone told me. I stood firm. NO. No more kids. Then my son learned the word baby. He got to see a baby and comfort her while she cried. He couldn’t stop pointing out all the babies when we went to the store or out to eat. Not that I blame my 2 year old AT ALL. Babies are adorbable!! But it got me thinking, am I depriving him of a sibling? We could totally handle another baby right?
My husband still says no, but that he is willing if I want, which screams marriage issues later on. I love my life. I love my husband and my little boy. But there is something in me saying I didn’t take maternity pictures like I should’ve… I didn’t get enough pictures of him when he was little..I didn’t breast feed long enough…I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t. It is the regret driving me to want another child. I continuously flip flop with what is best. The lingering question I can’t find an answer to is, how do you know what’s best? How do you come to a conclusion that expanding your family is the best thing for all the members?
I just think there are no easy answers– I’m *still* struggling with it. In your case, I just bet after time, you’ll both feel like you know exactly what to do. You’re still young, and your little guy is still little. I bet he’ll come around and you’ll finally feel like you know what to do. I have to hope there’s that “just knowing” that happens sooner or later, and I hope you both end up feeling the same way. Thanks for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment!
Wow! I’m sitting here googling why I am having a hard time deciding on a third child and you hit the nail on the head. I’m watching my baby girl grow up and my oldest going to school and I’m panicking. This is it? I won’t get my babies to be babies forever, and you are right, I think I am focusing too much on what I’m leaving behind that I didn’t realize that my reasons for a third child were all wrong. I need to grieve for the end of pregnancies and babyhood, but I need to embrace their childhoods as they are. Thank you for your beautiful article
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Thanks for making me feel less alone.
You are so welcome. Glad it helped… This is still a hard situation for me!
Me too. I had twin girls 2 years ago this week and I just can’t decide whether to go for a third and a normal pregnancy. I don’t want more twins though! Time is running out because I’m now 37.
This article and all the comments have been helpful for me to read. As a 40 year old mom of two who had serious auto-immune issues with both pregnancies (i almost passed away a 20 weeks with my first), complications with the birth of my first and well, my second had heart issues and thus open heart surgery when he was only 18 days old I was told to wrap it up after two by all our doctors…and i couldn’t argue.
So…My husband had a vasectomy when our youngest was a year old.
I always thought we’d have two but now when I see newborns I get really sad…the fact that this part of my life is over and the choice wasn’t truly mine – it was dictated by so many other very valid health issues for me and a possible unborn child.
That said, I am so happy and enjoying every minute of our two boys (two boys definitely don’t make unhappy moms – that is silly – they make moms who are on their toes and laughing a.l.l t.h.e t.i.m.e)….but i’m a project kinda girl and would love another baby (another boy actually).
the door is shut tight for me now, due to heath, age, our decision a year ago and life.
it’s hard but i try to tell myself that it’s time to stop making babies and time to raise my babies….
thanks for being so honest and strong. i wish i could talk about this with friends, my husband doesn’t want to hear it (he knows we are done) but i’m still processing and i know now that i will always be, i worry when i’m 60 i’ll regret not having that third or fourth because i’ll have forgotten how much of a risk it really would have been for everyone………
I really appreciate knowing I’m not alone.
I have been in a major mind f*** about this as well. For months. It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been off and on birth control. This post and corresponding thread helped me to feel like I’m not alone. My husband is 17 years my senior. He’s in his mid forties. He works very hard to provide a good living for us (I co-own our company with him). Between running his own company for 20+ years and the fact this his job is very physically demanding, he is worn out. I never dreamed we would have more than one (our little girl is going on 2.5) simply because it would make his life even more demanding and that seemed unfair. That said, I REALLY want another one. I’m not done. I’m just not. And I don’t like the idea of my little girl being an only child. I did not see these emotions coming. He’s willing to do it again but it feels irresponsible. Shouldn’t we be focusing on his retirement? Shouldn’t he get to reap the benefits of all his hard work (more down time, travel, etc.) without starting over at 50?! My heart says do it but my head says NO. I had a great pregnancy, birth, and though she’s a drama queen, she’s not a terribly difficult child, and yet the first 18 months were still unbelievably hard. It strained our marriage at times and yet in some ways it’s made it stronger. Like you, I wish I just KNEW. I have prayed, meditated, polled the Universe, flipped a coin, etc. I’m to the point that I think I might just get off birth control for awhile (3-4 months) and just see what happens. Am I hoping for an oops? Probably. But the decision to block it as a possibility is more painful than not. Blessings on you dear one. May your path be straight and your mind be clear. Much love!
I wish the same for you! Best of luck to you! You’re not alone! xo
Wow, wasn’t expecting to find this article when I typed “I can’t decide if I want to have another baby” in google. It is as if this article was plucked out of my head. I can relate to (almost) everything.. From being sensitive to the stupid psychic reading, haha.. It doesn’t help that after I had my 2nd (now 21 months) I started studying to become a certified childbirth educator and doula.. So, you can imagine the immense dilemma in my head and obsession with this topic :/… Thanks for making me feel less alone! Will be following you from now on 🙂
Thank you for so much for that comment. I’m so glad it helped you and that you could relate! Best of luck to you!
This is exactly,word for word where my head is at, thank you so much for putting it one paper! I was wondering, has anything changed for you since you wrote this?
Thank you for that! I’m glad it helped you in some way. Well, I definitely think I want another now but so far it hasn’t happened. We’ll see! I’ll keep you all posted. 😉
Wow. We are one and the same. I too have 2 little girls ages 5 and 13 months and am driving myself crazy with this same issue. I also had a psychic tell me years ago that I would have 2 girls and a boy. I had two uncomplicated, non-c section births and am scared to roll the dice again. I am 34 so I’m at a point where I can’t take very long to decide. We have done the lax birth control thing as well with no results. I have to say though that lately I have been fantasizing about recapturing some “me” time and thinking about 3 teenagers with 3 different activities and 3 different college tuitions-all things that seem to be swaying me to say that 2 are okay. Good luck to you whatever you decide!
Hi Stephanie~ I understand how you feel. I had severe Toxemia with my first son and with my 2nd son I was on bedrest the last 2 months(however no toxemia).
My mother absolutely is against my husband and I having another one. Naturally, she is worried that I might die and/or have a really tough time with the 3rd pregnancy. I totally understand.
However, I was going to get my tubes tied in the hospital after my second C section but my husband and I both agreed we couldn’t do it. We had a V setup for him when my toddler now was 3 months old and I called it off. I know he really felt the same way too. He told me later.
Also, our 6 year old has high functioning Autism. I am a homeschool and stay at home Mom. My husband just got a new job as an accountant. Looks like we will be able to pay off some debt this year and decide if we are going to have another baby.
After my first son, I was able to shed the pounds quickly but after the 2nd I really haven’t been able to. So, gotta head back to the gym if we have another baby or not. I am so emotional about the decision to have a 3rd or not. It is crazy…So, happy you blogged this because I feel so selfish about wanting to have another one and scared at the same time about having to deal with difficult family not wanting us to have another one because of our previous pregnancy experiences. I have an opportunity to go back to Acpuncture school, while still being home with my kids. However, that is time and money. We are deciding if we will put that time and money into school for me or into another baby. We might not be able to afford me to do school and have another baby. I feel like I can go back to school anytime because I have my Bachelor’s Degree already. This would be pursuing my masters. However, I don’t feel like I can have a baby anytime because I will be 37 in May and for me(with previous difficult pregnancies) I want to get pregnant this Fall/Winter but really don’t want to be pregnant at 39 or above. So, we gotta make this decision now and what if our next child has special needs as well. I know I am strong, I know I can handle anything thrown my way, but what is the best for my two sons and my husband? I know my sons would love a new sibling and if all goes well and I survive another pregnancy I know my husband and I will cherish the new baby/child. Life is tough sometimes and I feel like I need a little more time to make the decision to have a 3rd or not.~ Thanks again for the article!~ Virginia
Yes me too! I had b/g twins on my first try and always felt like I missed out on a lot of different things that people with singletons get to experience. I started to feel sadness as soon as they started to outgrow their newborn clothes or seeing a pregnant belly. Parts of me was always convinced I would have a third but life with twins was such a whirlwind it kind of turned me off from wanting kids for a while. I still feel a bit of wonder like you did (I am constantly making list’s of pros and cons) but can’t come to a clear decision that makes me 100% ok with the idea of another. That being said I am not closing the cover on this chapter quite yet, I want to see how life plays out over the course of the next couple years before I make any concrete decisions. 😉
That is exactly where I’m at! 36 this coming July…at full time Uni studying for my English degree, juggling work in the mix…a clear plan for the end of my degree….but none of those factors make having a last addition to our family impossible! I go over and over how it can all work, but…realistically..what if my baby does not want to sleep during my dissertation year? What if it’s not the right move financially…what if, what if, and what if!! But-on the other hand-what if I regret it once I’ve graduated, and we’ve moved back abroad and followed our dreams, and our family feels not quite complete?? I just don’t know. One month I too tempt the ‘ooops’ moment…then the next I make sure we use protection?*#!! I am so glad I am not the only one who wonders if it is because I had told myself always, 36 would be the very latest I would leave having kids to be on the safe side….is that why!?!
This is where I am right now. My son is turning 5 in six weeks. My daughter is 15 months and still nursing, but clearly not a little baby anymore. My husband is determined to get a vasectomy ASAP. But my heart hurts thinking that I will never hold a tiny newborn again, nurse and snuggle and sleep with a little baby again. That said, I don’t really want to raise a third child. I am excited to see my son and my daughter all through their childhoods and into adulthood. They are both so great – cute, smart, challenging. So it’s not another child that I want, it’s a baby do-over, because I really love the little bitty ones. With my husband so adamant that he is done, it’s clearly a no-go (and that lines up with all the other reasons – financial, career, time, etc.), but my heart still hurts so much.
Wow. As many other already expressed, this resonates so deeply with me. I almost cried. I will be thirty next month, and our only child just turned nine two week ago. We celebrated in Turks and Caicos. Life is so good. I’m happy. But. Now that I’m seeing amazing, kind, sweet, only daughter’s growing independence, I’m feeling sort of sad that, if you really think about it, I’m kind of done being a certain kind of mom. The mom that can still hold their child. The mom they need when they get a cut. The mom who has to make their lunch. The mom who they look to before getting on the bus. The mom they still want to snuggle with before bedtime. The mom who is still whom they need most. I know that being a mother is a lifetime gig, thank goodness, but in different phases. I don’t know if I want to be done being mommy, and, instead, be just “mom.” I’m a teacher and I finished my Master’s two years ago knowing I’d want to be an administrator in the future. I love knowing my career can go wherever. I love the easiness of our life. Traveling is easy and amazing. Money is nice. Daycare days aren’t needed. Sleep is amazing. But sometimes I feel like I’m so scared and hesitant because I’m focusing on all the hardship a baby brings and forgetting everything so wonderful about. Falling in love again. Being reached for first thing in the morning. Hearing them say “mama”. The way the smell. That smelllllllll. Ugh. But I’m terrified to do it again. Part of me is nervous the chaos and lack of sleep will be too much. I didn’t have to work with Sophia. I enjoyed every single moment and day with her until she was four and started preschool; that’s when I started teaching. It was so great. I’m scared to think that five am and work is coming every day whether or not my potential baby is sleeping well or not. I’m scared about all the things that could go wrong with a pregnancy and baby. I’m scared to disrupt my seemingly perfect life. I’m scared to fight with my husband all the time about the stress a new baby can bring. And worse, to me, toddlers. But I’m also scared about the regret I’ll have when I’m forty. I’m scared about my daughter’s lack of a sibling relationship as she gets even older. Im scared the dynamic between my daughter and I will change. I’m scared that I’ll look back and think why did you not just have another baby. Why. I think about it every. single. day. Saying let’s try freaks me out. Saying we’re done freaks me out. I’m in a total mind f*ck.
I should add that I feel a societal stigma of only children and parents of them. Sometimes I wonder if I really WANT another baby or if I feel like I SHOULD have one because of all the pressures. All my friends have multiple children. All my students have siblings…aside from like two, and, of course, they’re the “strange ones”. 🙁
Also, I just realized how old this is. Have you had a change of heart? Still torn?
I want to know what happened?? I’m going through this too!!!!!
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When I read this article to my husband he asked me if I wrote it because it is exactly what I/we are struggling with right now!
You bring up a great point though about mourning the loss of this stage of life? I never thought about it like that. It’s just that having our first two was such a given, no questions and no concerns. We just did it because that’s what we wanted to do. I am almost struggling more with why this is such a harder decision for us. And I too have played the half ass birth control game hoping a decision will be made for us!
Either way I think this article and all its comments from brave moms alike, was such a great comfort to know there are others out there struggling with the same concerns.
I wish you all the best of luck with your decisions and baby making if that is your plan! For me it’s a little more sole searching before we make a final call.
Stephanie we’d all love to hear if you ever came to a place of finality with these thoughts. Thank you for sharing!
Did I write this?!?! Wow. I seriously feel like I must be reading some future blog of myself, right down to grieving over every little loss and the “trying it on for size” bit about new ideas. Anyway, it is nice to know there are other women out there like me. And by the same name no less. 😉 We just have one child now and are trying (sort of? I don’t like “trying” for babies) for another. I hope I hold out for 3 kids but I totally resonate with the overstimulation bit.
I am in this exact same position right now. My son is 18 months and we are talking about another one. On good days I’m all for it; on bad days I think there is no way I could do this with a newborn! I struggle about how far apart they should be or how will we juggle it all with 2 or how it will change life as we know it. I too, have thought how great it would be to just have an oops so I can act like I had no choice in the matter! Haha. I know this thread is 2 years old, so if you read this I would be curious to know if you ever had a 3rd. Thank you for writing!
I feel like I could have written this post myself. Stephanie, you describe a place I find myself in right now, struggling to know what’s best for our family. I have 3 boys, the youngest being 9 months and my husband and I both see so many reasons for and against having another. Our older boys are incredibly affectionate and sensitive and I love seeing them all interact. My third pregnancy was very difficult physically and emotionally for me. Life is beyond hectic and often very stressful. I’m a woman who thrives off life balance, a somewhat tidy, clean house and I take pride in caring for my own body and health. I’m a professional, working 4 days a week. Love my boys beyond words, but find myself grieving for a little girl I always imagined, and feeling sad when each baby stage is ” over”. I’m very fearful to go for a fourth, but plagued by daily desires to throw caution to the wind.
I want to know what you decided… I am going through same thing!!!!
I realize this is Old, so you may never read this or feel compelled to given you’ve moved emotionally.
BUT;), in case you do….
I feel this way about going from 1 to 2 kids. I cant quit obsessing over the decision. Based on the few self-descriptors you gave in this post we share some personality traits (easily stimulated, easy to stress, internalize-internalize-internalize, etc). I never considered if i would even have One child, much less multiples. And so…
Did you always want children? Always want at least 2?
Are stressed out by the multiple demands on your attention?
Did your relationship w your husband suffer w the 2nd?
Thanks & hope youre well
Hi Kathryn-
I saw your post and wanted to offer my thoughts because we do have 2 kiddos now and are deciding if we 3 is for us. 1 to 2 kiddos is certainly a change, but for us 0 to 1 was more of a change. The biggest change with going to 2 (from what I can remember from 4 years ago) was just figuring out the timing or everything- how to get my daughter to preschool, my little guy to feed and then nap before having to get back and pick my daughter up again- silly things like that. We had always wanted kids and being one of 5 and my husband one of 2, we knew we always wanted at least 2. And I can assure you I have never once regretted that decision. Just watching my kiddos interact, play and love on one another is the absolute best thing in the world. Sure there are stressful times when everyone’s imploding from being sick or tired or both, but it’s all forgotten when you hear you kiddos telling each other they love each other before bed when they don’t know I’m listening. 🙂 Admittedly, we had a rough go in the first year with our little guy who refused to sleep which left my husband and I sleep deprived and cranky for sure. However, looking back, we always reminded ourselves that the first year-ish is hard with the sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, etc., but it will not last forever. Now we have a 7 year old, a 4 year old and thankfully are only treated to a rare night of sleep deprivation when the kids are sick. We just had to remind ourselves when we were in the weeds that we would eventually make it out. Our days are crazy and busy now, but we honestly wouldn’t have it any other way! I remind my husband all the time that in a blink our kids will be older and all the magic of this time will be gone so enjoy it now!
Best of luck with your decision- having kids and how many is such a personal decision so I wish you the best!!