My six year old daughter Izzy and her friend were playing at our house after dinner last night. Izzy ran up to me and asked if they could have a snack. I will admit, I am kind of strict about not having snacks after dinner, unless it is a special occasion. We’ve found that if we allow snacks after meals, the kids don’t eat worth a shit at dinnertime. So, naturally, I said no and went upstairs to change my toddler into her pajamas.
I immediately heard Izzy’s raised voice downstairs, “My mom is not mean!” she yelled at her friend.
Oh, crap. I realized that Izzy’s pal must not have reacted favorably when she heard the news that I had put the kibosh on their snack idea. For a moment, I felt proud of my daughter.
Then I heard mumbled voices, followed by, “…you just need to shut your mouth!”
“Izzy!” I hollered down the stairs. “Did you just tell Penny to shut her mouth?” My daughter, skilled master of deception that she is, vehemently denied these charges, but my husband confirmed that he had heard the exact same thing.
In an even voice, I informed the girls that their playdate was over. Izzy walked Penny home. This gave my husband and me a few minutes to figure out our next course of action. We debated whether to just drop the incident, letting the fact that the playdate was cut short serve as the unspoken consequence, or press Izzy for more details. Thanks to my lifelong commitment to emotional processing, I decided we should talk things over with her and find out exactly what happened.
When Izzy returned home, I very calmly told her that both Daddy and I had heard exactly what she said, and we wanted to understand more about it.
“I didn’t say that!” she insisted. “I just said please be quiet!”
“We heard you with our ears,” I told her gently, “And you’re not in trouble, we just want to talk about it.”
Izzy started crying. “But Penny said you were mean!” she sobbed. “And that’s not true! You’re not mean!”
I felt knocked down by emotion. I was so touched by my daughter’s loyalty, her ferocious love and protection of me, her very flawed mother. I was proud of her character, and the fact that she stood up to her friend to defend her snack-stingy mother.
Sophie was very upset by her sister’s sudden outburst, and toddled over to hug her, which made the whole scene even more moving. I pulled Izzy into my lap and told her how proud I was that she would stand up for Mommy like that. I asked her how it felt to hear someone say something like that about Mommy. “Horrible!” she bawled. We talked about some things she could say to someone if that ever happened again.
I thought about all the moments I have felt like a Mean Mommy, like the worst mommy on the planet. I realized that despite my F-word dropping when we missed the bus, despite my irritability, hotheadedness, and tendency to overreact, despite my lack of enthusiasm for playing pretend games, my daughter doesn’t think I am a Mean Mommy. This confirmation meant the world to me. No matter how clueless we think we are, how many mistakes we think we have made as parents, no matter how sluggish, cranky, and unimaginative we think we are, our kids adore us. They will forgive us for nearly anything. Not only is this humbling, but it feels like a call to try to do even better. It’s a big pedestal, but I’m going to try to stand as tall as I can on it.
One more thing! The latest HerStories essay is up on Jessica’s site. It is from one of my favorite bloggers, Christine, and this story is absolutely fantastic. Please go read it here!
Beautiful! Every night we go around the table and say what we’re thankful for. Usually the kids are thankful for their toy of the day, but my 7yo always says he’s thankful for me. This breaks my heart and even makes me feel guilty because he is, by far, the child I have the biggest struggles with and everyday wonder if he’ll even want to have anything to do with me in the future. And he just keeps on loving me.
Absolutely beautiful and I was practically crying by the end Stephanie. Seriously, loved how your daughter stood up for you and you definitely are not a mean mommy and agree whole heartedly with Izzy on this one!! 🙂
This is really so touching! I would have been so proud, too!
BTW, we had our first music therapy session last week and it was awesome! 🙂
Thanks, Joy, and I’m so glad to hear about your music therapy session! That’s great news!
What a great post! Your daughter is so stinkin cute. And I have to say- I’m reading on my iPhone and so thankful that you mobilized your theme! So easy to read and comment!! 🙂
I am so glad the mobile theme works! Thanks to you my friend! I hadn’t even checked to see what it looked like til you reminded me!
This is so touching. As a mom with a 2 year old, it’s hard to imagine these discussions are just a few short years down the road.
Thanks so much! The cliche is true- it does go so fast…
What a great and affirming post! Izzy sounds pretty awesome 🙂 She was totally defending your honor and now she knows how to do it in a more effective way. You and your husband took care of that situation with such grace and love and compassion. The fact that you also drop F bombs and feel less than perfect, yet your daughter thinks you are NOT mean gives me hope! Because I am totally mean, or at least feel like I am, yet the love from my daughter (nearly 5) is so clear. What a responsibility indeed. Love your blog, lady.
-Dana
Thank you so much Dana! Izzy is definitely awesome… Glad I am not the only meanie out there, and thanks for such nice compliments!
Oh, I loved this!!! A bunch of my friends were scared on my Mum when I was growing up, and I have no idea why. Probably the stuff-upper-lip British thing she has going on. And while I like to poke fun of her, it bothers me that anyone would think she’s anything less than perfect. I totally love Izzy for how she reacted (and I was secretly cheering for her with the whole “shut your mouth” thing!!!).
Thanks Dani! I was secretly cheering for her too…I guess it’s that “nobody can be critical of my family members except me” thing. She seems to have figured it out early!
What a nice moment for you, and ya know, this won’t end. I met my mother’s older sister, for the first time, when I was 17, and she privately bad-mouthed my mother to me, at which point I told her she looked like 10 miles of bad road, stormed out of the house, spent the night at a girlfriends, and when she left the next day- told my mom all about it. My mother never invited her back! Mom’s RULE!!!
Ten miles of bad road! Ha! You are my hero…
Love this post. I hope you frame it and give it to Izzy when she enters her teenage years!
Thanks! Can’t wait to read “Dear Mother”…I am intrigued!
I teared up a bit reading this. What a sweet little girl you have. I’m quite the mean mommy myself -hangs head in shame- good to know there’s hope that my little one won’t find me quite as mean as I do. 😉
My “mean moments” are some of the worst for me. I always feel so bad. This was a great affirmation of my daughter’s unconditional love.
Aw, talk about mixed emotions! You handled that situation with such grace. Incredible. I am really impressed.
Wow, thank you so much! I really appreciate that. Sometimes we feel like we are making this stuff up as we go.
…cool
Oh I loved this…it’s amazing how much our kids do protect us, despite the mistakes and strict rules, etc. Since I’ve been gone so much this past week and a half visiting my mom in the hospital, my youngest has sensed that I’ve been sad. One night, he just came up to me and hugged me with no explanation. Melted my heart.
Beautifully put Stephanie. Also, don’t cave on the snacks, you are correct!
Aw! It’s so nice to know that, even though we sometime feel like the meanest mom in the world, that’s not how they are experiencing things at all. 🙂
Stephanie! This might be one of my favorite posts ever. Seriously. This is amazing. I love it. I love everything about it. I love how you stuck by your instincts, I love how you called Izzy on her actions, ended the play date early and how she was SO LOYAL TO YOU. It makes me feel like what we’re doing actually does sink in. Seriously awesome post, friend. Love it. Mwah.
As usual, your comment made my night, xo
I’m sure that if your little girl doesn’t think you are a mean mommy, Stephanie, she’s totally right! Thanks for sharing!
This is super sweet! I was always this way about my brother. I could joke about him, but NO ONE else could. He was my brother, which earned me the right to tease him in a harmless way…but no one else had that right.
We are still super close to this day and we genuinely care about each other. Just don’t tell him I said that. 🙂
I am still that way about my brother too. I was always simultaneously critical and protective of him growing up.
That was an awesome post! I was intrigued by the title & now I know why you’re not a mean mommy! Love you!
You are an amazing mom!! And, your daughter completely knows that….she is so very cute!! I feel so proud of her myself for sticking up for you!
The story is cute and loving all at once. It’s great that she’s like this now. It will give you great memories. Also, it will provide a great comparison point, especially in about another 10 years when she wants to go out on a date and you tell her “no”. My how age will change the responses! lol Great post!
Ohmygoodness–this is so sweet! And as a parent, I love that you and the hubs talked about a course of action before talking with your daughter. I need to learn from you 😉
I think I get it right about 20% of the time…
Ahhh, it’s called unconditional love………………
I love this post. It’s so nice to know your doing a good job, ain’t it! I featured this post on my Friday’s Fave today, if you want to check it out: http://www.adventureintodomesticland.com/2013/04/fridays-fave-21.html
That is so cool! What an awesome surprise! Thanks, lady!