I wasn’t really myself when I decided we would let my daughter get her ears pierced for her seventh birthday. I mean, I was eight when I got mine pierced, and that’s a whole year away! And what about the likelihood of infection, and the responsibility of cleaning them, and the pain involved? Knowing my highly sensitive, sometimes irresponsible daughter, this seemed like a bad idea.
But somehow I decided to say yes. The fact is, she’s been changing a lot these past few months. Drifting away from me, in some ways. Thankfully, she still likes to snuggle, but she frequently blows me off to spend time with her friends. The two of us had an entire day alone together yesterday while her younger sister went to childcare, and she opted out of the movie we had planned so as not to disrupt the seven uninterrupted hours of play with her neighborhood friends. Don’t get me wrong- I was grateful for the alone time. I spent nearly four hours working and writing, and then I cleaned the whole house, did laundry, and made dinner before 4:00.
The independence is good for both of us, I suppose. A few months ago, I arrived at a schoolmate’s birthday party to pick her up, and she pretended she didn’t see/know me. A far cry from my toddler, who runs straight into my arms and greets me with unabashed delight and affection when I arrive to pick her up. Friends are slowly becoming more important than family.
We went out for frozen yogurt and she wanted to sit all by herself- a glimpse of our future?
But I’ve also noticed that the two of us are able to connect more deeply on an emotional and intellectual level. I am able to explain things to her- even to reason with her when I see a need for a behavioral change. She does her fair share of eye-rolling, but sometimes she sits very still, makes eye contact with me, and listens to me. And asks questions. I have a newly-opened copy of How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk sitting on my nightstand. (Thanks, Dose Girls!) I bought it after reaching my threshold for tolerating wise-talking, disrespectful six year old sass. While we clearly still need the guidance of this book, (which I am loving, by the way) I am seeing the possibilities emerge for an evolution in our relationship.
Her birthday party this year will also be very different; since she was in preschool, we have always invited the same group of girls. Many of them were in childcare together as toddlers, and some of them were invited mostly because I was friends with their moms. But when you are turning seven, you get to choose your own friends. Most of the kids who are coming attend her school; only a few are friends we have known for a long time. This year, there are even several boys attending.
She is growing up. She listens to popular music on the radio and knows more of the lyrics than I do. She makes jokes that are sometimes even funny. She speaks with the lexicon of her smart-mouthed, wordsmith Mommy. And I can’t believe how much she has changed.
I have to change with her. I am terrified of arriving at some point in the future and discovering that she hates me, that our values are shockingly disparate, or that I am obsolete in her pyramid of influences. I don’t want to push too much, but I refuse to let go too soon. Or maybe ever. I know the old cliche about parents holding their children’s hands for a little while and their hearts forever; I realize that it is possible to maintain closeness with your child while still allowing room for their independence. I just don’t know what it looks like yet.
She started second grade this week, and her birthday is in two days. I know she was apprehensive about beginning a new school year with an unfamiliar classroom and different friends. But she faced the challenges with bravery and an openness to change.
I wasn’t really myself when I decided it would be okay for her to get her ears pierced. I was somebody braver. Somebody wiser. Somebody bigger than I used to be.
Welcome Back to Finish the Sentence Friday!
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Next week’s sentence is:Â “If I had a magic wand, the first thing I’d do is….”
So this is what is in store for me in only a few short years and I have it pretty much back-to-back with both my girls. I will say this though, I do remember being a young girl and know I had my moments, too with my mother. So, I guess it is payback time for me ever so shortly, too!
Each stage has its great qualities and rough parts, huh?
This was eye opening for me. My oldest is three and seems so far away from -gasp- sitting separate from me during fro-yo time. You seem prepared and sensitive enough to be able to navigate these waters with your girls. Girls seem to hit the tricky stuff so much sooner, don’t they?
I only have girls, but my suspicion is that they are harder than boys in this regard. I was definitely not expecting some of this stuff so soon! Fortunately I still have a toddler who thinks I hung the moon…
My 6 year old is already asking about piercing her ears, but luckily, when I tell her it will hurt, she decides she can wait til she’s 10 {which is how old I was}. I will need to take a look at that book, because we have entered the sass/attitude/imitate the friends phase and I am also reaching a limit … And I am reaching that “wow you are growing up” stage with my daughter, too. She’ll turn 7 in October, and for school shopping this year she actually cared what brand her clothes were. She wants to listen to Lady Gaga and Pink in the car now…. As much as I complained about listening to Raffi in the car, at least I knew what I was getting!
It’s surreal isn’t it, Sarah? I have to say, some of the time Izzy and I enjoy the same music! The book is tremendously helpful; it is giving me empathetic things to say and different strategies instead of snapping at her. I highly recommend it. I’m not putting it past Izzy to back out of the ear piercing- she is so sensitive! I will keep you posted!
My girl asked for pierced ears at 5 years, and I let her. She asked for second holes at age 13, and I got mine double pierced with her. She asked for a third hole at 14, and I said absolutely not. You are doing a great job, Stephanie. Your daughter will grow, she will not hate you even if she says she does, and you will grow with her. I would have never thought I could parent a 15 year old if you asked me 10 years ago, but here I am and we are both doing ok. Happy early birthday to your baby!
Thank you SO much for that Dana. Seriously. I really appreciate hearing your insights on parenting! So reassuring. 🙂
Oh God. I’m so not ready for my son to want to sit by himself. My dad didn’t let me get my ears pierced until I was 12. I blame him for the piercings that happened afterwards, including the belly ring that was WAY before they were cool. Like in 1991. I think. Also, just so you know, you’re still somebody wiser, braver and bigger than you used to be. Promise.
Thanks for that. 🙂 I am still not confident she isn’t going to change her mind and back out, but we’ll see! I’m sure I would be sadder about being ditched if I didn’t have Sophie, who would happily crawl back into my uterus. Now when SHE is too cool for me? I will cry my eyes out. Or have another baby.
This post tugged at my heart quite a bit. My son has never been very affectionate, has never cared much about spending time with me or even interacting much with me a lot of the time. But my daughter and I have a special bond, and my heart breaks a little every time I think about her not wanting to be seen with me anymore. I’ve already experienced it a little in the mornings, they don’t want me to walk them to the bus stop. They want to go on their own. So I watch them go, and she takes a little bit of my heart with her every time. *sniff*
You and I are going through a lot this week! This motherhood gig is tough- especially with the constant changes! I feel your pain with the bus stop!
I think back to when I got my ears pierced or got attitude with my friends…and how my poor parents felt…wow…what a jerk I was back then, LOL.
In some ways I am glad I have a boy so I don’t have to deal with a teenage version of myself, but also will miss out on the girly stuff I could do with a girl.
Though I know I will probably be pushed away just as easily…there will be a time when telling mommy anything is annoying and not cool.
You are so right- we haven’t quite reached “annoying and not cool,” but it’s coming…I know it’s coming…
hey Stephanie! sorry for the weird*/re-print Post, but I stumbled on the way to get a strike-through into a Post Title and I *so* had to use it today!
Having said that, what the writer says about how we are constantly changing and can we really always be ourselves…I stand by that (at least I think I do).
Thanks for the invite way back last Fall…this is still one of my favorite ‘hops
*weird and my Posts?… that’s kinda like ‘coals to Newcastle’ isn’t it?
Ha! Can’t wait to read what you’ve got this week. And we are of course honored that you have stuck around the craziness this long! You always add something special to Fridays!
Wow what a great way to finish this sentence. I struggle to be brave, as Allie gains independence. On one hand I want her to fly and on the other I cannot believe she is quite old/mature/safe enough!
Being brave is definitely a struggle- even more so for US than our kids, huh?
Sweet! I was weeks old and got my ear pierced the old fashioned way. I guess that’s a way for mom’s to get it over with. LOL! Love the chronology of pictures. Don’t you just love when you have that connection with her? My son happens to be very affectionate. He’ll be sitting so close having ice cream I’ll tell him, “You know you can scoot your chair over a bit.” I will be so sad when that time has passed though.
Ha! Yes, you will. But a little personal space never hurt…
Oops! I left this on Triberr – so here it is in comments!
Oh wow – this is such a beautiful post Stephanie. I love your last lines. I have boys, but I know just what you mean. With Max, I was so afraid of what was coming when he got older…hesitant to let go of his babyness. But I realized as time went on, how great each phase is (okay, so the teenager stuff truly sucks) but being able to have more involved conversations, joke on a new level – it’s great! Hi 5’s to you, Mama, for being brave and embracing this new chapter!
I can’t decide if I like that Triberr comment thing or not- I actually love that your comment showed up here, though! Thanks so much for your comment- I really appreciate it, Linda. Made me feel really good. 🙂
I loved this… Nothing has forced me to grow like motherhood has. And I’m thinking in about 5 years I’m going to be asking you to remind of the name of that book:)
That’s the truth. And I will be happy to loan you my copy in five years! You know, it might even be helpful to you in a year or two! I am using some of the stuff with Sophie, too…
Dang, I had to beg to get my ears pierced at 16! That worked out fine, but when I took a friend’s niece to get hers done and she was scared to death, I decided to get a second set so she could see how easy it was. HA! Not only did the girl get the gun stuck in my ear and had to pry it off, but she didn’t even get the angle right lol. Sounds like you baby’s getting wings for her b-day this year – fluttering her way out of the nest a bit.
My mom was 23 when she got hers pierced! And we’ll see about those wings- she may still back out at the last minute, even though she insists she is ready! Your experience sounds awful!
This was so sweet Stephanie! As a mom of three girls, I can completely relate. I was fully prepared to make my girls wait for the ear piercing until they were 12 (like I had to), but my oldest begged and begged. I finally caved when she turned 9. Now my youngest who just turned 6 is asking.
Watching them grow is so bittersweet. I think with each stage there are things we love and things we miss. My oldest is starting middle school and I am looking forward to her being more independent, but it is also hard to let go.
You are so right- it is bittersweet, and we trade beautiful things for new, different beautiful things.
Stephanie,
My daughter is going into first and I see so much of what you’re talking about her. I didn’t see this as much with my son (who is now 9). My daughter seems so much older! She’s been begging to have her ears “peered” as she calls it. I was 13 when I had mine done. Not sure when I’ll give the green light.
Well, I still haven’t ruled out the possibility of her losing her nerve, but I thought it was a big act for me to just say, “Whenever you’re ready, it’s okay.” Who knows, maybe she’ll decide she’d rather wait until she’s nine? It is surprising how quickly they seem “grown-up.”
I love this and I already have that book on my night stand even though we are at 13 months. I think that I am going to have to read it a few times to get it to sink in! I hope the ear piercing goes well. I got mine done for my 7th birthday as well and it worked out great. Thanks for the prompt this week – have a nice weekend.
You have a good weekend, too- I loved your post today. I agree that it will be a book I return to over and over. You’ll really like it I think, and it’s great that you have it already! A lot applies to the younger kids, too…
Good stuff, Steph! My daughter just turned 10 so I know what you’re going through and it gets worse, or maybe better? I don’t know. Mine is still ok with hugs and kisses and what not so that’s a good thing still. Her pediatrician asked about girly related stuff at the 10 year old checkup and I was like “Uh, no, no No, NO, NOOOOOO!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU DIRTY QUACK!!!” Anyway, it’s apparently going to happen no matter what I say or do so I shall drink my beer and accept it with dignity. I’m happy to have the two little boys still though as I enjoy having them run to me shouting “daddy” when I get them from day care.
Hey, Don, thanks for such a great comment. I really appreciate it. And I cracked up at the dirty quack bit. You kill me… I think your attitude is very healthy, complete with beer drinking…
You describe things so vividly that as I was reading this I was sort of trying this on, to see what it feels like when in the not so distant future my 4-year-old first then my one-year-old (es tu, Brutus???) will ask to sit by themselves. I went through so many emotional ups and downs reading this, but came out reassured. You are a wordsmith, my friend, but also an emotionsmith. 🙂
Oh, I love that. An emotionsmith- what a great compliment! It is interesting to try on what lies ahead, isn’t it?
Oh, how filled with heart! This post got me. Growing up is hard – I can only imagine it’s harder watching it happen to your babies…
Thanks for that Natalie- loved yours today, too…
Thinking about separation at age 7 is a bit jarring for me. I really don’t consider this possibility much with my 4 year old daughter, but when you posted the picture of Claire eating ice cream by herself it hit me. That exact scenario has played out with my daughter and I! If it’s hard at 4, 7 and whatever other ages we get hit with a taste of separation, can you imagine what 14, 16 and 18 will be like?
Also, the ear piercing really does sound brave:).
No, I definitely can’t imagine it! I was still close with my parents as a teenager, but it terrifies me to think that might not happen for my family… Thanks for your comment!
Oh, the paradox of it. I really got how conflicting it can be to value their growing independence, yet not want to let them go. I liked the whole paragraph about changing with her. She is lucky to have such a thoughtful mama. And one who is so brave….and I’m talking about more than ear piercings!
Thank you so much, my friend. And yes- the paradox! Crazy making…
I’m going to go home and hold on to my four year old for a little while. Watching them grow up is so bittersweet. Lovely post, though!
Thanks Jessica, and yes, go give your little one a squeeze!
Aww, love this. So sweet and so true. It is amazing how much they change and grow and how much what we think we will do changes to. 🙂 Happy birthday to your sweet girl! :)-Ashley
How I loved this post! I, too, have seen changes – and healthy ones I might add – as the frequent visits continue from Grammy and Papa. She STILL always runs up and hugs me and says, “Hammy, Hammy.” (Never mind about that). But now, if there are friends in the yard, she takes off to continue playing with them. I love that – it’s what “should happen.” AND it gives me extra time to snuggle with Sophie. Someday, Sophie, too, will run off after an initial hug. Izzy still employs that “expectation” of spending time with Grammy. After a week together in Steamboat Springs this month, she said, very diplomatically, at the close of our time together, “You know, Grammy, we have spent a week together. I might want to spend time with my friends when we get home.” I responded, “Izzy, that is EXACTLY what I want you to do.”
Our babies are growing up. My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced too. I’m dreading it but I’m sure I’ll cave.
This brought tears to my eyes!!! I just came down from a no-nap day with my 2-year-old where I wanted nothing more than to pour myself a glass of wine and hop onto the computer. But then we lay together for 10 minutes watching Jason Mraz perform “I’m Yours” on her iPad (don’t ask – we both really enjoy music) and I suddenly wanted more time with her. And then I read this. It was the perfect ending to an otherwise challenging day. Thank you!
Oh, and my mum wouldn’t let my sister get her ears pierced until she was 16! Luckily, she relented with me and let me get mine done when I was 11. Sheesh!
Beautiful and bittersweet! I can’t believe you decided to go for the ear piercing! Good luck! Love you!
Actually I also dread this part of my life when my kid will become independent and no longer wants me around. Thus, have kept my hobbies alive to bend on them.
TGIF 🙂
I love this! And I love the photos of Izzy all lined up, especially that first one – hilarious! And the last one is absolutely beautiful. I may need to look into that book – I may have it on my shelf because it sounds familiar – bc my daughter is the sassiest person I know. At this point where still at the stage where it just makes me laugh, but if it’s any indication of the future, then I’m pretty screwed. I will take this as an opportunity to relish what I currently have. 🙂