Welcome back to Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF). We give you a sentence and you finish it (however long or short you’d like). Write a post and link it up, or if you don’t blog, feel free to finish the sentence in the comments for everyone to see.
This week’s sentence is: “I get so frustrated when…”
I get so frustrated when I am faced with a parenting dilemma that causes me to second guess my mothering skills. If you are a parent, you probably know that these situations, in which there are no easy answers, happen regularly. Just when I think I have things figured out, something changes and I am presented with a new scenario that leaves me baffled. Lately I have been struggling with the reality that sometimes I have to prioritize the needs of one of my children over the other. I am afraid it is something I better get used to, and if possible, learn to get really good at. Surely there is a graceful, mindful way to carefully balance the desires and protect the boundaries of each of your children?
It is happening more and more often: my youngest daughter, 16 months old, is becoming annoying, and her older sister, 6 years old, wants a little more separation and privacy. As the oldest child in my own family, I am tuned into the firstborn mentality of craving some time alone or with friends without the pesky younger sibling tagging along. But as the mother of a sweet, eager toddler who is obsessed with her big sister, it breaks my heart to see her standing at the top of the stairs, rattling the gate and crying out to her big sister who has just headed down to play with her friends.
Izzy is a patient, tolerant, loving older sister, and she obviously deserves some time to herself. Lately she has taken to going into her bedroom to play quietly by herself, announcing with the responsibility of the firstborn, that there are “choking hazards” on the floor and Sophie needs to stay out. Fair enough. During these respites from her bothersome younger sis, I try to engage the little one in her own room with toys.
Frustrated and confused, Sophie races down the hallway to her sister’s closed bedroom door. “No-nock!” she bellows, banging her tiny fists against the door. “No-nock!” When I gently remind her, “Sissy’s doing her own work in her room right now. Sissy says No, thank you, you can play later!” she throws herself to the floor in despair and sobs.
As a mother, it hurts, but it is only a small taste of what is to come. Sophie faces years of waiting by the front door while her older sister rushes off to a friend’s house, a school function, or a date with a boyfriend. Izzy is allowed to have things in her life that are just hers, particularly considering the age difference between the two of them.
Sophie watching her big sister play outside.
And Izzy has made plenty of sacrifices herself. I try very hard not to blame Sophie for our social inflexibility, but Izzy has frequently heard, “It’s time to go home-Sophie needs her nap, “ or “We’re not going to go out to dinner- it’s not very much fun to bring Sophie to a restaurant.” As much as we try to give Izzy her special big-kid time by taking her to movies, concerts, or out for treats while the other parent stays at home with Sophie, there have been changes to her life since her sister was born.
Of course there is always a trade-off to any parenting challenge. We get the privilege and pleasure of watching our daughters love each other. For all the moments when Izzy angrily shouts, “SO-PHIEEEE!” there is an equal moment of harmony between the girls. It makes my heart swell to watch my oldest child protect and nurture her sister when we take them places together, and it is so rewarding to see my toddler reach out her arms to her sister and request, “Hug? Siss-siss?”
They really do love each other, and despite their 5 year gap, it is amazing how many things they are able to enjoy together. I credit my mature, nurturing, and enterprising six year old with her ability to find activities that she and her sister can enjoy together. Since Sophie was a baby, Izzy has always created games that she and Sophie could “play” together, even when Sophie could barely hold up her head.
Moments like this make it all worthwhile.
And though I will without a doubt struggle over the years with balancing their needs and protecting their individual space, I will also have the honor of watching their relationship grow and evolve. That is a gift.
*You may recall my post last week about how my husband and I are going out of town for Valentine’s Day weekend- without our kids! Due to his no-blogging mandate, we are having an unplugged weekend. Don’t feel snubbed- I promise to read and comment on your posts when I get back next week!
*Oh, and I am prescheduling this post before I skip town, so if something goes wrong with the LinkyTool below, there will be nothing I can do to fix it! If it doesn’t work, just link up with one of the other hosts, ok?
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Me!
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Kate from Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?
Dawn from Dawn’s Disaster
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Next week’s sentence is: “Speaking from experience, I’m going to give you a little advice on…”
When I first found out I was pregnant and Emma wasn’t even 8 months old, I was so overwhelmed to say the least. But now that the two girls are only 16 months apart and so very close in age and blessed that they are truly so close and each other’s best friends. That said even though they are so close, since Emma started pre-school, we have had a few moments where Lily can’t do something and it breaks my heart when she cries, because she is the one left behind. So I could as a mother very much relate to your post. Thanks for sharing and hope you are having a wonderful weekend. And by the way, the linky worked perfectly!! 🙂
Wonderful post, Stephanie!.
Even though I have a boy and a girl, it’s the same thing. Lucy has been carted around to Bobby’s games/meeting/events for as long as she can remember and she had to learn how to give him his space. Bobby, in turn, was not allowed to join the swim team back in the day, because I couldn’t imagine trying to stay poolside with a toddler for an hour 3 days a week when I wasn’t allowed to put her in the pool too–amongst other things.
It can be so hard to balance and to feel good about it. I just try to remind myself that having to accommodate a siblings schedule (or allowing them to have privacy, etc) is ultimately a good thing for a child. I think it helps them learn how to be flexible and to realize that other people’s needs are important, too.
Have a wonderful Valentine’s getaway!! 🙂
HI, what a good post this was! The family I live with has only one child, and I thought that was enough of a problem trying to be fair, but I can see I need to stretch my imagination a bit more! I’m an only child, my godson was brought up as an only child and he’s the father of an only child. So reading this post really widened my viewpoint! Nicely done! See you around!
I didn’t link up this week but I loved reading this…a relationship between sisters can be so different than with brothers (I have all boys). This was heartwarming…Enjoy your unplugged weekend!
The older they get, the more separate they will become. Izzy is easily to the age where she is going to demand her own life. It’s a necessary time of becoming more and more independent as everyone will tell her how old she’s getting. Still, having been an only child for a number of years, she has to realize that there is another in the house that needs attention. That may be a little difficult for her at times, having been the solo artist on the block for a while. Hang in there. You’re doing a great job from what I see!
Give it just a little bit longer. Our older kids didn’t want to pay too much attention to the little boys early on. Now that they are 3 and 4, the older kids love spending more time with them. Once Sophie gets to the age where she can talk and when she can actually play more like an older kid (taking turns, following directions, understand the game) Izzy will find her much more enjoyable.
It is so sweet to see how much the younger ones look up to older, and how much the older kids enjoy being compassionate caretakers to the younger.
I love the photo of your girls playing the piano duet.
I hope you’re having a great time on your trip!
Aw, dude, you made me tear up. I imagine that it is really hard to balance each of the girls’ needs but I know you’re doing an amazing job. How do I know? Because you’re awesome and the fact that you’re worried about it says enough. I worry the other way – my son is my only, and he’s pretty spoiled. Okay, fine, seriously spoiled. The kid has every freaking toy airplane available for purchase. It’s nuts, and I often feel guilty that he won’t have a sibling to commiserate with later in life about how dumb I used to be as a mom. I also wish he had a sibling for MUCH later when I’m no longer around…
Awesome post, as always.
Hope you’re having a super-fab time on your trip! Are you having unplugged withdrawal symptoms? Shaking? Taking too long to poop so you can secretly check comments here on your phone without the hubs noticing? 😉
My oldest son and daughter are five years apart. He was the most excited when we were waiting to adopt her. Then about two days after adopting her, he was sick of her. It has been a very slow process of getting him to come around, but I see glimpses of his love for and acceptance of her more and more every day, particularly in their playing together. It is so precious to watch. This is a beautiful post.
My children are also 5 years apart. And just like you, I struggle about what’s fair and what isn’t fair but just has to be. I try as best I can to explain to my son that we’re working with an unreasonable little person right now and that as she gets older the expectations will even out. Who knows, maybe I’m screwing this whole thing up…
Aren’t you back already? Can’t wait to hear how often you checked your phone before showering and while going to the bathroom.
Oh Stephanie – I struggle with this all day every day. I constantly feel like I’m stealing from Peter to give to Paul. And now there’s THREE of them!
My eldest has quickly learned to announce, “I want to play with this all by myself.” I let him go into the room they share and close the door. And this makes little bro sad. But they have their playing together time too which is SO precious. The eldest often yells at the youngest and when I’ve attempted to intervene and make the littlest stop harassing big bro, big bro suddenly announces.
“It’s okay mommy. we’re just playing!” How confusing!!!
So I’m learning to hold back a little and let them figure out their relationship themselves. And it’s incredible and beautiful to watch these two little people I’ve created interact all on their own, and they don’t need Mommy. They make games together and laugh together and even chat together.
It’s these moments that make me know that all the guilt and frustration I feel (when I have to fob one off for the other) is totally worth the trade off. So they get less of my attention, but a whole other person to love instead. That’s got to be a bigger gift, right?
It’s sad, but yup – the little one is always gonna be left out of things that her big sister does. My little man goes through the same thing with his big brother.