I have been pretty up front about the fact that I suck at mornings. I have written more than one blog post about the debacles that have occurred in the hour after we roll about of bed before we frantically peal out of the driveway. Itβs not pretty. After I complain about the repeated clusterfucks (That looks wrong. Kind of like it should be clustersfuck, sort of like the plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac. Anyway.) that comprise my morning routine, I usually shake it off, shrug, and tell myself something like, βOh well, thatβs just the way things are. Itβll get better.β
Unless it gets worse. One morning this week, it got worse. In fact, I think I may have hit bottom.
We slept late- both the girls were up around five a.m., and when they both finally fell back asleep, I was sure as hell not getting them out of bed. Hereβs the thing- I should have gotten out of bed on time, but instead I snuggled up to them and remained warm and content in bed.
We did all right on the first stretch of morning prep- I long ago stopped showering in the a.m., and we all promptly got dressed and downstairs for breakfast according to schedule.Β I set the girls up with some food, and then things began to unravel.
We couldnβt find Izzyβs lunchbox. Or her coat. How the hell does this happen? More importantly, how does this happen over and over and over?Β Β Are normal people this scatter-brained?
We were still on schedule to depart on time, and then we couldnβt find Sophieβs shoes, I left my sweater upstairs, and I had to run back in from the garage twice Β to retrieve important items like my phone and my coffee mug. (Not. Optional.) To my horror, the last few scrambles put us further off the mark than I had realized, and we were dangerously close to the bus arrival time. (Yes, we drive to the bus stop around the corner. Fewer hassles, and plus, itβs cold.)
As we reached the end of the street, I watched in slow-motion an event I had not witnessed before: the school bus pulling away from the stop. And true to my Mother of the Year status, I uttered the following sentence: βWe just missed the fucking bus!β Yes, my two children were in the car. (God, I hope my husband hasnβt broken his streak of not making time to read my blog and picked today to start back up) It got worse. I began to shout, choking back tears, about how I βcouldnβt have any more mornings like this!β and how I may have been βsick of not being able to find shit all the time!β I was on a roll. My six year oldβs eyes were wide. She knew this was serious.
As we pulled up to Sophieβs childcare center, I decided to ask Izzy if she had her mittens. This was not really a question, since I saw them on the floor at home and told her to get them. It was more of a confirmation. Except she didnβt have them. It was 4 degrees outside. Itβs one thing to be the mom who says the F-word in the car, itβs another to be the mom who doesnβt send her child to school with the proper outerwear. Stopping back at home would make me officially late for work.
Fortunately Sophieβs childcare provider has a five year old daughter and graciously loaned us some mittens, but by the time Izzy finished her painfully long fumble to get re-buckled (Seriously- she uses the seatbelt every day. Why does it sometimes feel like itβs her first day operating the damn thing and she has apparently lost her thumbs?) I was fuming again.
As we pulled up to school, I was horrified to see the icing on the cake of my maternal failure- flocks of children entered the building. In their pajamas. Because it was goddamn pajama day at school. Was my child wearing pajamas? Hell. No. I wanted to rewind the morning and end up back in bed. Or fast forward the whole day and end up back in bed. Either one.
Daddy saved the day, leaving work to bring pajamas to our child. He is the non- asshole in our parenting team.
As I drove to work as quickly as possible, I realized that this time, something has to change. Β I recalled the only time in recent history I didnβt feel like my daily routine was falling apart at the seams: about two years ago I had a three-ring binder that contained every to-do list, weekly menu plan, grocery list, and dry-erase sheets for daily routines. Every single day I crossed off my checklists at morning, mid-day, and before bed. And I didnβt forget stuff. I was organized.
So, knowing this about myself, why have I allowed myself to flounder ever since- sweating and swearing my way through every morning of my life? Why am I not getting ready for the day the evening before? Why am I not checking items off the same list every morning, as I have clearly proven I am unable to remember them without assistance?
I have stopped asking, βWhy am I so disorganized and scattered in the first place?β because the answer doesnβt matter. Maybe it was the second baby that put me over the edge. Maybe itβs the sleep deprivation. Maybe itβs the fact that I have a busy brain that never stops turning. Who cares? The point is, there are clearly things I can do differently to avoid starting my day feeling like the worst combination of asshole and airhead.
This is a god-send
Again- why have I not made a change? I have decided that although I hate the chaos, I am almost addicted to it. That I am getting something out of this daily disaster, whether it be a subconscious desire to sabotage myself and subsequently beat myself up, or some misguided surge of adrenaline. So itβs time to be the guy who breaks up with you because he knows he is an asshole who will never commit or change, and he wants to do you a kindness because he knows you will never break up with him. (Still following?)
I am breaking up with my stressful mornings, on behalf of myself. I am using my higher brain, and forbidding my lower brain self to carry on with this self-torture. Itβs time to make a change. Tomorrow I will wake up and say to myself in the mirror, βHi, Iβm Stephanie, and Iβm a Stress-aholic. I am 12 hours sober.β
augh. i feel your pain, mama. mornings are the pits and i don’t think they actually get easier, as the kids grow.. like you, i have my routines that i do the night before to try and keep my wits about me. but, unfortunately someone usually ends up in tears, whether it’s one of the boys or me. i actually just blogged about this on monday as my eldest and i had a huge fight about getting dressed! so frustrating!
i always find comfort in knowing i am not the only mama struggling in the early hours of the day! good luck tomorrow!
I agree- I doubt very much that this will get easier. I will go check out your blog post- it always makes me feel better to hear of other “competent mamas” who struggle with their daily routines! Thanks for stopping by, commenting, and sharing my pain! π
Thank God for that wonderful To-Do List. It appears to have been a godsend!!!
Not only could I relate, but this is so me when we have things to do in the morning. This is why Saturday morning, when the girls have dance bright and early that I want to just scream and cry, because I am a stressaholic and can’t ever get myself out of the house quick enough or on time. I will shake your hand on this and seriously thank you for writing this, because I feel a bit less alone today!!
Oh, thank you Janine. I know I am not the only one who struggles with mornings, and I just got so tired of feeling SO CRAZY every single morning. I would cry, too, if we had activities every Saturday. That is one of the days when I allow myself to stay in my pajamas until noon, if I feel like it!
That’s great Steph! Was this idea from the fly lady? I love her! I hope your mornings are better now!
Yes, thank God for the Fly Lady! Glad I finally picked up my old “control journal!” It was about time…
Ugh. First of all, I have mornings like that all the time! Second of all, that list made me nervous. THAT’s a lot of shit to do! Is it flylady? I know her stuff. I simultaneously love and hate her at the same time! LOL
Yes, it iS Flylady. I am with you, and I am seriously like a person who takes the antidepressant, goes off it when she feels better, and then realizes she should never have quit. I do my Fly Lady stuff for a period of time, feel like less of a disaster, and then I relapse. I am the first to admit, I do a modified Fly Lady. Shoes? Hell, no. Swish the toilets every day- not happening. “Zone” cleaning- maybe when I only had one kid. But some of it really works.
So… do you think you could go a head and send me that list. Today alone I had to send my daughter back to here room 3 times to change because the outfit she wore was a) dirty because it has already been worn since I did laundry. b) not school appropriate and c) way too small. I don’t thrive in these situations, yet it seems to me that I am not willing to change them either. But maybe.. maybe if I get that list done… I can have a less chaotic morning. That will however require me to stop sleeping in. Not that I am sleeping.. I am just shoving myself under my covers with my eyes open. It is actually like I am hiding from the day! Yikes!
OH man! I am not a morning person, either. Mornings suck. My hat’s off to you for ploughing on – you are awesome!
Thanks! I’m trying….
My daughter wears shoes every day to school but you would NEVER EVER know it because they cannot be found any morning. ever. EVER. We spend 5 to 10 minutes EVERY DAMN morning looking for her shoes. Why don’t we find them the night before…or just always put them in the same place? I have no idea.
I’m not a morning person at all.
That moment of already having a bad morning, then pulling up to see all the kids in PJs…omg SO Classic….SO makes the bottom of your stomach fall out…and has SO happened to all of us. JUST THE WORST!! I’m glad your husband could bring her jammies. WHEW!!
(It’s also nice to know that someone else’s husband is working on a non-blog reading streak!)
HAHA! Glad I am not the only one with anti-cobber’s elves who misplace shoes while we are sleeping! π
Seriously- it kind of hurts my feelings that he has stopped reading my posts… π
Ouch. I feel your pain—my kids are grown now, but I so remember the chaos of mornings—and with more that one child–things were always out there somewhere just out of my control–and yet–these are the wonderful years as well
Yes, they *are* wonderful years- worth the chaos and challenges!
Oh, I love you! I love that you are short-tempered…like me. And I love that you swear in front of your children…like me.
I used to be organized, and then I just got lazy. I pushed out The Kid’s bedtime until 8:30/9:00 so my husband can see her and I can (hopefully) only cook and clean ONE meal in the evenings. The trade-off is that I stay up late in order to feel like I have some downtime, and then I sleep in late and the mornings are a shit show.
When I joined the gym again last week and was up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to workout, I was surprised to see how much better my day is when I am up earlier and have time to myself before the shit-show begins. So now I make it a habit AND I have started to put The Kid to bed at 8:00. And guess what? Dinner is at 7:00. If you’re home, great. If not, you’re plate will be waiting for you.
I have my limits. π
Oh, thanks! We’re a special breed, we short-tempered swearing mamas!
I am impressed that you have stuck with your early workouts, and I bet they make a great difference in your day. Good for you! I think your new evening plan is *perfect*. Do what you have to do to stay sane and happy!
I feel your pain — I hate the mornings! I try to do as much as I can the night before (pack lunches, backpacks, etc) because I am barely functioning in the morning hours. I will say that as the kids get older, mornings become A LOT easier…my kids set their alarms, get dressed for school, etc. The only thing I have to do is get them breakfast and make sure they get to school on time…I’m much more sane than I used to be!
I look forward to those days! I am sure I will still find a way to be stressed out! :p
Well, I’m very scatterbrained at times, but I’m not totally sure I can claim to be normal. π
I do use lists (and calendars, and binders, and pin boards, and sticky notes) to keep me on track. My family makes fun of me. It’s all good. Unlike you, I work from home and that alleviates a lot of the morning craziness for me, luckily. I do totally commiserate with the “busy brain” syndrome.
Hope you are able to “stay clean” for the long haul!
Thanks Sherry! For some of us, the lists etc are really helpful and downright necessary. I can take the mocking for my “control journal” as long as I am less flustered than I have been!
LOL – I love you Stephanie.
So first of all, this gets SOOOO much easier as your girls get older. They start to remember things themselves (like pajama day) and they get really helpful in the morning – they can get their backpacks, shoes, water bottles, etc. ready all by themselves.
Secondly…I highly recommend getting up a half hour earlier than everyone else. My mornings were so much more successful once I did this. It is worth missing the extra bit of sleep to have the opportunity to get control of your day before others enter into it. π
Oh, THANK you for telling me that!!!
Also, I think your idea is a great one- I am about to start doing that. I have held off on getting up earlier than the girls because Sophie *just* started sleeping through the night (at 15 months- God!) and I have been a bit of a sleep junkie up until now. I think I will be ready to give up that extra half hour in favor of sanity, now…
My wife totally understands to leave me alone in the morning. I’m not even good after my shower and coffee. Give me two hours and I’m okay, three and I’m better, but never first thing. I hate going to bed at night, but I hate getting up even more. God, that sounds negative. I guess at my age, I should be happy to be able to awake in the morning. Still, afternoons are much better! lol Great post!
I found this really helpful, Stephanie – thank you. I’m heading back to work March 4 and am getting really nervous about the logistics of getting the 2 kids to and from daycare. I’m not a morning person either (at ALL – I feel like I’m dying if I have to get up before 8:00AM – so every day), but the way our jobs work out it makes sense for me to do the drop off, and Jay to do the pick up. Making a list like this would really help and I hadn’t thought of it. Thanks for the tip!
I”m glad it was helpful and not just a rant! π
I feel what you are saying and I am a lot like that myself. Sometimes when I have enough time for whatever I need to do I waste so much time in front of the computer that I have to rush in the end. Ugh!
Yes, I am really working on how much time I waste in front of the computer…(she said as she typed frantically…)
I have tried the lists, then something moves my lists and I am left stressed and frustrated. I hear you loud and clear hun. Hoping you can stick to it for your sanity because it is apparent you are not meant to be a disorganized person by nature.
DUDE, LOVE YOU. This is so me. So you. So fucking ALL OF US stupid shits. Here’s the deal. The stress, the night before, does not seem real. I think there’s some messed up mommy hormones that try to defile us (in really horrid ways) by assuring us at 11:30 pm that we DO have time for lunch packing, field-trip filling out form shit, pottying and generally having our shit together in the morning. And. We. Never. Do. Well, you USED to with that anal list and all. But for some of us? Flying by the seats of our pants is good enough.
Hilarious post, by the way π
Uh, yep, you pretty much summed that up. When will I learn???
I wish you the best of luck in chasing the dragon that is stress-free, organized mornings.
Selfishly, however, I can’t stop thinking how shitty my childhood was because I never had a pajama day at school. That sounds amazing.
Yeah, I was a child of the 80s and I’m pretty sure we got screwed. No pajama day for me either. Although there was one humiliating day when I went to the restroom and discovered I had put my pants on *over* my pajama bottoms. Not sure that counts.
oh no. i hope your day got better after all that! and i am so relieved to hear another mother swear in front of the kids!
I am ALWAYS so relieved to hear another mom swear in front of the kids! π Thanks for the solidarity!
Hmm. I don’t feels stressed… But I’m exhausted by all I have to do in a day… Same thing?
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Oh, Stephanie, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to go back into the house to retrieve some forgotten item…First I realize I don’t have the cell phone we use to bribe Nate to get into the car seat. Then I realize he doesn’t have shoes on. Or I forget my purse. Or my cell phone. Or the bag of items to return to Sometimes I turn around before we’ve shut the door, sometimes I turn around with him in my arms and unlock the door, sometimes I leave him strapped into the car seat and run back on my own.
Then there are all the things that I lose. All. The. Time. I have literally torn apart our kitchen, living room, bedroom, you name it, fuming and sometimes near tears, looking for the new box of wipes, or the deodorant I just bought, Nate’s shoes, the shirt I JUST SET ASIDE FOR HIM! And in the end, it’s not really about the object. It’s about the fact that I feel like I’m losing my f-ing mind. I mean seriously, who loses things so easily?
I have spent so much time and money recently purchasing, assembling, placing and filling shelves and organizing furniture. I get the top of the kitchen table cleaned off, the shoes and toys picked up off the kitchen floor, the space looks neat and organized and I feel serene for a brief moment in time.
Now fast-forward several weeks. Nate has dragged shoes, toys and Tupperware all over the kitchen floor. He’s thrown the cat food bowl and scattered kibble everywhere, snacking on it as he goes. The kitchen table is overflowing with his day care bag, some items I bought from Target and haven’t put away yet, that coupon for Quiznos I want to use before it expires, that impulse buy I need to return, the ski pants I set out for last weekend and didn’t use.
The bread box is overflowing with food pouches and toddler snacks. The counters are covered with Tupperware, plates and cups in various states of (a) dirty, (b) clean and ready to be put away and (c) played with on the kitchen floor and needing a rinse to remove the grit and cat hair. Nate’s high chair tray sits on the kitchen island, still covered in his half eaten lunch, there’s jar of peanut butter I used at breakfast and never had time to put away, the oatmeal and raisins my husband used for breakfast. And here I am trying to make dinner and I haven’t got an inch of horizontal space to set a hot pan on to keep it out of my toddler’s reach while he clings to my pant leg crying.
Some days I just want to give up. Or run away. Actually, I think I’ll do that this weekend. I’m going to Winter Park for a girls’ weekend. Daddy’s on duty. We’ll see if he can do any better. π
Happens to me all the time. Like you, I’m not a morning person & I’m always running late. BUT I don’t think it’s all your or all my fault. Having kids is stressful, and there just isn’t enough time in the day to get everything done. Plus, like I said to my husband this weekend, I have to think for 3 people and he only has to think for 1. But guess what? If she forgets her gloves on a 4 degree day, I can guarantee she won’t ever forget them again. Sometimes mistakes are good for kids. We can’t do everything for them.
You are so right about all that. I agree, the mistakes are great learning experiences, and we can’t do everything for them. So thrilled that daylight savings has added another dimension to our shitty mornings. :/ Thanks for the solidarity!
Oh, the morning fiascos. I do not miss them from my work-out-of-home days. Instead now I work at home and while mornings are better (only once did I send my kid running to the bus without his backpack on so far) I now am living a life where I get NOTHING DONE. I am not sure which side of the grass is greener, I just know they both suck. Condolences.
Yup, the greener grass conundrum always gets me! Both sides definitely suck in their own way…Thanks for reading and commenting!