It was a Tuesday night. My third grade daughter had just finished her piano lesson, and it was time to begin her weekly homework packet. On Monday, we had gone straight from school to run a handful of errands and then spontaneously went out to dinner. The previous week, my parents had been visiting. Needless to say, we hadn’t gotten very far on the homework. Wednesday wasn’t looking very promising, either, as my daughter had Girl Scouts after school and I taught an evening class and would be unavailable to help with her writing exercise.
As we trudged into the kitchen to get started, we heard a knock at the door. It was our five-year-old neighbor who wanted to play. The kids had been eager to get together for days, but we had all been too busy. My daughter looked at me anxiously. “What should I do?” she whispered. “I really want to play.”
“It’s your choice,” I told her. “We’ll do as much homework as we can later today and tomorrow, and if we don’t finish it, that’s just too bad.”
She chose to go outside and play with her friend. You’re damn right, she did. Because she’s eight.
At the beginning of the year, whenever we didn’t have time to complete our homework, I was bombarded by an unpleasant cocktail of emotions: guilt, irritation, anxiety, frustration. That’s right: I, a 36-year-old mother felt overwhelmed and resentful about our third grade homework load. That’s just not right. But now, on those days when we’re unable to finish the assignment, I simply write a pleasant “Sorry, but we ran out of time today” note on my daughter’s worksheet. And yet I still feel a wave of guilt and defensiveness when we fail to complete our work (note my use of “our”); it’s almost as though I’m penning the explanation note to my own teacher, worrying that I might get in trouble.
In first grade, my daughter began bringing home a daily math worksheet, one that we were often incapable of tackling together, what with my inability to “make a math mountain” or “make a ten.” Additionally, she was responsible for a weekly spelling list and reading log. Same in second grade.
Third grade was a game-changer. In addition to four daily math worksheets, the kids are responsible for a five-page weekly homework packet that often includes a math “game” or writing prompt as well as a reading log. The weeks when the homework packet isn’t assigned due to conferences or holidays are an absolute relief. My daughter and I whoop with delight whenever she gets off the bus to tell me the good news. There is no denying how much easier life was during those homework-free weeks.
Our family is far from over-scheduled: each child has one dance class per week, my oldest has a weekly piano lesson at home, I teach a Wednesday evening class, and we have Girl Scout Brownie meetings twice a month. We also have to go to Costco sometimes, and occasionally we have visitors or friends over for dinner. Sometimes we like to play with kids in the neighborhood. We occasionally cave to societal pressure and bathe our children. With just four hours from bus stop pick up to bedtime, afternoons and evenings tend to fill up.
As I consider how difficult it is to squeeze in time-consuming homework assignments with our average-sized activity load and regular responsibilities of running a household, all I can think is, “How the hell are we going to survive high school?” When I became a parent, I was completely unprepared for the fact that elementary school homework would be stressful and anxiety-provoking—for both me and my children. This is a serious problem.
Last fall, I wrote “Why Homework in Elementary School is a Bad Idea.” As you can see, my feelings on this topic have not evolved much. To be clear, I’m not against all homework. I think the occasional school project or worksheet is a great way for parents to be involved and stay informed about what their kids are working on. And I think it’s a perfect opportunity for kids to practice responsibility and take pride in their work. But when it becomes a tedious burden, a stressor, we have missed the potential value of homework assignments. What is going to happen if our kids are burned out on “work” before they hit puberty?
Adults don’t go straight from work to “more work” (let’s refrain from any commentary on working moms who technically go from one job (outside the home) to another (inside the home), m’kay?) in the evening. We arrive home, relax a bit, enjoy our families, feed ourselves, do what needs to be done to care for our homes. It is not OK for children this young to go from work (school) to more work. We are missing the point of what school is supposed to be at this age: an opportunity to cultivate a curiosity and love of learning, a time to feel good about accomplishments, years of exploration and enthusiasm. I don’t know about you, but raising aspiring workaholics is not high on my parenting priority list.
So I do the only thing I can—when homework is too much for our family, I simply say “no.” Sure, most of the time we get it done. We make a diligent effort to fit it in and complete it as often as we can. But on those days when it is overly taxing, I instead scrawl a guilt-ridden-confrontational-fantasy-inspiring “Sorry!” note on my daughter’s worksheet and call it a day. Because she’s not a junior in high school: she’s eight.
Yesterday my third grader went straight from school to her end-0f-the-year Brownies party. After two hours of activities, all the families celebrated with pizza. By the time we got home, we had half an hour until bedtime.
And we chose to ride bikes through the puddles. We looked for worms and rainbows. We chose to end our day without a frenzy, without rushing or pushing. We chose sanity.
It is important to me that my children learn to work hard, to try their best, to follow through with their obligations. But balance is important, too. Sometimes, we will choose our family over work. Sometimes we will choose to be outside instead, to be with our friends, enjoying life. Sometimes we will say “no.”
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Love it. Love it! Kids need to be able to play, good for you for being strong enough to say that it’s okay 🙂
I so agree with this! Schools are taking the enjoyment out of learning. I am not saying no to homework, just no to so much. And the “busy” work irritates me! Children need time to be children. I was a teacher, and I was required to give homework, but I did so in moderation and never ever on the weekends (even before children of my own, I valued family time). My favorite homework assignment to give, to receive and to now do with my children is READ!
Amen Stephanie. AMEN!!!
Oh my, I Am so proud of you. You provide your family with an equitable balance. Stay the course, my daughter.
Steph! I’m right there with you 🙂 Good job mama!!
It’s as if a window has suddenly flown open. Of course! Write a note of “Sorry, we ran out of time today.” Brilliant. I wish I’d thought of this when my daughter was in grade 5. It was about 11:00 at night and I heard odd, scratchy noises coming from her bedroom. She’d “been asleep” for three hours. I opened her door to find her hunched up in bed feverishly colouring in a numbers puzzle. One of those ones where 5 = red, 6= blue, 3 = green etc. Pure busy work. Poor thing knew she had to hand it in the next day. I gently took it from her, kissed her and shut off the light. And coloured for the next hour.
i would love to say no to more homework, but it negatively affects my children’s grades if they don’t turn it in, so I just can’t do it. Also, at what age should they just do the work? My son is in 5th grade and he’s had 3 1/2 hours of homework before! But I made him do it because I didn’t want his grade to go down.
Ugh, this is such a tough one. I think it is absolutely unreasonable of schools to put families in this position. It’s just not realistic. Yes, there is definitely an age where you have to “just do it.” But we’re not there yet.
I agree 100%. As a retired teacher, 40 years in public schools, your points about homework are excellent. In my early years of teaching, I did what everyone else did. However, I soon realized that people had lives and tried to look at any homework assignment that I issued carefully. I learned so much from the families and children in my classes. My classrooms in later years rarely had homework of the xerox copy kind. Much of the homework (4th grade) was the students wanting to look up more about what they were learning in class, for example about volcanos. The beginning of the year was always tough because getting the children and parents to understand that I wasn’t marking “down” for homework, there weren’t weekly spelling lists (check the research) or a daily reading log to fill out. I would tell them that the children and I worked very hard at school and there would be homework from time to time or perhaps some finish up stuff from an absence or we got behind because we were busy on something that caught our interest. Most appreciated it and I told them enjoy the break because I couldn’t guarantee what the next teacher would do. (My own team expressed their dislike often to me) I was far from perfect throughout those 40 years, but as I reflect I am pleased about my growth and learning on homework. Keep standing strong for your kids and let them be kids.
Wish more teachers took your approach Cheryl! You sound like a wonderful and caring teacher…not just someone doing a job. As my kids enter school age, I am beginning to question our education system and these standards that we follow.
Hooray for common sense. I was a headteacher for 10 years and detest the idea of homework for under 11 year olds apart from sharing a book together.
Will his grades in elementary school matter when he’s an adult? I used to care much more. I’ve learned that they’ll be just fine.
Exactly my thoughts! Who cares about grades in elementary school! If you child understands the concepts, move on!
Bravo, bravo, bravo to you. I may be one of the few dads reading your wonderful blogs but all the same, I wish I had the courage to write that damn note saying “sorry..ran out of time!” I guess I did not know it was a choice 25 years ago. You and your daughters will reap the benefits, long term from this great decision. I say one more time. Bravo Mom! And beyond that, you are so on target with this whole homework in elementary school thing. Loved this episode as you can tell…….keep up the courageous work.
My kids just started preschool and they really get any homework, only on Fridays. But is still is hard to get done. We´re just not used to it!
Preschool homework?? That seems crazy to me.
My son would get reading homework each night as well as picture and story writing some nights while in Pre K (ages 3-4). I loved doing it with him when there was time but some nights I did not get home until 630 and his bedtime is 730. I always felt guilty so we would try to finish up the next morning. On vacations I would request extra books to ensure we did not fall behind. This year, Pre K-4, he has yet to have homework. I felt guilty for feeling relieved. I do not know what we’ll do in elementary school. I hope his teachers are like some of your followers and do not assign lots of homework. I do love your… we just ran out of time. Thanks!!!
From a teacher’s perspective I could not agree more. It happens at the high school level too unfortunately. This year my husband coached the varsity soccer team and he was asked multiple times to do extra open gyms and after school camps, to which he always replied no. Students need that time to be with their families – to be kids – and any teacher/coach who doesn’t see that is missing the bigger picture. Great post.
I so appreciate your perspective, Kara! Thank you so much!
PREACH!!!!!
Thanks, Nina!
I’m in total agreement on the homework. If its an occasional project that must be done, that’s one thing. But cramming these kids from dawn to dark with facts and figures, is another. Playing is a necessary part of learning, exploring, and creativity. There’s so much structure at school, they should be allowed to be free at home.
I agree! Thanks for that.
TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!! You do exactly what I do!! I refuse to let my kids stress too much over homework… they are KIDS!! Well said, Stephanie!! Totally sharing this…
Thanks, Chris!
This is a tough one for me. On the one hand, I say “Good for you!” On the other hand, the child of two teachers and rule follower in me cringes. I think, as you said the key is balance. It does sound like an exorbitant amount of homework for 3rd grade. If it makes you feel any better about the future, I can tell you that my 7th grader actually has less homework than my 4th grader this year. (And, as they get older, bedtime gets later, so there is a tad more time to fit it in.)
I’m a rule follower, too, and it’s a tough one for me as well. 🙂 I really have to battle my inner nature to advocate for our mental health and overall happiness and wellness with this one…
When you say no to homework there are normally consequences at school for your child. What do you do about that?
I wondered that too. Our school has “homework tank” and ODRs (I don’t even know what that means) but they will keep kids in from recess if they haven’t done their homework. Then if they get enough ODRs, they can be kept out of fun incentive reward activities that the school offers.
This whole homework for young kids thing is probably what I appreciated most about growing up homeschooled–most of my friends and cousins were in school all day long and still had to spend time on homework after they came home, while when we were little we usually ended up with most of the afternoons off for play and different activities since we could usually finish all of our classes and schoolwork by about 2 p.m.–the efficiency of it meant a lot to me!
That would definitely be an advantage!
I’m so with you! I’m excited for summer and NO HOMEWORK!
Can’t wait!
Amen! I can’t tell you how many parents asked me for more homework when I was teaching first grade. I didn’t have kids at the time but I knew the kids could be doing a thousand more worthwhile things at home than homework. Our kids go to a Montessori school so homework is really light but I do worry about when they transition to a public school.
Montessori is SO much better in that way. Argh.
Yes! My daughter is in first grade and she gets a very doable one math page a night. (There is also computer work and reading, but since it’s less tangible I can let it slide.) However, last year in Brooklyn, for kindergarten, she got WAY more homework. She was 5 years old. We ended up struggling and fighting over it, and it made life unnecessarily stressful. I know 3rd grade is going to be rough, which is INSANE. I’m with you. Why make kids resent school so early in their long careers?!
5 years old!! That is so ridiculous. There is no reason why families should be experiencing such stress at that early age. Ugh.
This is interesting to me. My daughter is 22 and when she was small, the homework was getting a little heavy but not as bad as you mention. One of the things I’ve been dreading with my boys starting Kinder this year is how we’re going to manage the homework. Evenings seem crazy enough as it is.
I hope we are seeing the shift in homework for elementary school kids. It’s just too much. The rest of life is important, too.
I hope we see a shift, too. We’ve got to teach our kids balance somehow…
This is a hard one for me too. I am definitely a rule-follower by nature. I also think that while I don’t want to raise workaholics, that it’s important to teach kids that school is important. But, so is being a KID. So I feel torn. For me, the only thing that works is a tight, strict schedule. Come home, get a snack, and spend 15 minutes on homework before running off to play with friends. We usually manage to get it all done by the end of the week. Luckily, there is not a daily assignment, it is just all due at the end of the week. So, you can make choices from day to day to skip it if necessary.
I think not having a daily assignment would make it much more doable, for sure. And yeah… the rule-follower in me struggles with leaving those “notes.”
I totally agree! My little guy is not really getting homework yet. However, when I was a kid my parent always gave us a break to go play. Then after dinner was homework time.
My daughter prefers to get hers done right away, before playing and dinner. Which is great, unless we’re not home…
I’m already worried about first grade homework. There are times when the tiny bit of kindergarten work each week is a total stressor. I’m definitely taking note and using the “sorry! ran out of time!”
Great read, Stephanie! xxoo
Isn’t it crazy that kindergarten work could be a stressor?? That is so wrong.
When I was in elementary school (years ago), homework started in fourth grade. When we reached 4th grade, we were actually excited to get it; it felt like a right of passage. We were growing up, and we were enthusiasts (and ready) for homework. Fast forward 25 years, my son starts kindergarten and is given homework. He SO wasn’t ready for this, and he began rejecting school. Hated it. I knew this was a problem – the idea of battling with him every night for the next 12 years was not an option in my mind. We put him in Montessori in 1st grade, and he’s been thriving. No homework, and he’s learning – reading, math, cursive, the Greek, Minoan, Egyptian empires! Best decision we’ve made. I know at some point, he will have to learn to do homework and take tests, but it will be when he is a bit older. Right now, I just want him to learn without the added stressors. It’s more enjoyable for all of us.
Another possible strategy: when my kids were in first grade they had a homework calendar that required us to do a 5 homework assignments each week – “busy work”. Both my kids did the “Music for Young Children” program after school, so I shared their curriculum with the teacher, along with my belief that this activity was enough homework for them. She agreed it addressed math and reading curriculums as well as music and they did not need to complete the school homework!
After reading this and other comments, I feel my kids are pretty darn lucky. 3rd grader, one math sheet and practice spelling words, and sometimes that is even tough to get through. 7th grader, gets most done in school. Neither child has had tons of homework in any of their grades, but they have had homework of some sort starting in pre-k, but very informal.
The message I have gotten from the schools my kids go to, we send homework home, so you know what they are working on and to see if kids “get it” hours after the lesson. Also, there are times for the elementary grades, I write ” had trouble with this or that.” or “We didn’t have time to finish.” –no stress and the teachers are pretty understanding.
Have you approached the teachers and asked why so much work is sent home? Seems like some kids have way too much homework. They need to play and just chill-out, just like we all do.
There is research that proves that homework *does not* make a difference. Reading 30 minutes DAILY is the only “honework” proven to make a difference. As an elementary school teacher I had parents who would be upset that I was not sending enough homework with their children. I err on the side of research and encourage you to continue saying no!
Great article … I feel the same way at times with my kindgergarten . Each week he has a packet of work that is 5-6 pages long. It seems like many times it’s Thursday night and we are scrambling to get the work done. I totally hear you on the not enough time. My child doesn’t have any activities that he does, but still many night I feel that having him spend time with Daddy ( he is gone about 12 hours a day, due to taking the bus to and from work) is more important that doing a couple of worksheets. Now things are going to be more of a challenge to get it done with having a newborn baby in the house. Many times the worksheets are things I know he can do. The last packet he had 3 of the pages were basically doing the same thing so once he did one why do the other 2. At this age FAMILY TIME is the most important thing.
I love this post. You are spot on. Kids need playtime and unscheduled time, just as much as we do as adults. That never changes, regardless of age, I believe. I wouldn’t worry about high school….there are sooooo many options in education these days, you’ll be blown away in how you can skin that cat. As a mom of 4, youngest 15, oldest 21, I’m not only in it, I’ve been there done that. It’s awesome. Enjoy your kids just like you’re doing!
My recent post, High School Isn’t Mandatory, may be of interest to you. http://mariaslaby.com/high-school-isnt-mandatory/
Dear sixth grade #math teacher (yes, I understand you don’t decide what you are mandated to teach, but just need to vent)
(****This is what I wrote tonight on my daughter’s math page****)
I have not ever, in 18 years of school, learned the ladder diagram for factors. Therefore, the diagram on the first page of tonight’s homework, which IS familiar, and comes to the SAME conclusion, is what I can help my daughter understand. There is NO ROOM in my head for yet ANOTHER method to solve the same problem we just solved earlier using a perfectly successful method. Just not gonna happen.
i love this but do struggle (there was no choice when i was growing up!). my oldest is in kindergarten and fortunately has a teacher who doesn’t push too much homework. he gets a journal each month with a task for each day. his teacher asks that he try and complete 3 each week. but the assignments are well balanced – along with practicing his numbers and letters and writing sentences, there are scavenger hunts around the house and outside, conversations about month-appropriate topics, READING(!), making patterns with fun objects, playing with foam/sand/beans, drawing pictures, etc. most nights, my son asks to do more than he needs to b/c he thinks it is fun!
I don’t see why primary (elementary) school children should get any compulsory homework at all. While my children are currently in the public primary school system here in Australia, I begrudgingly take them there everyday . Schools might position themselves as places where children’s curiously , interest and creativity flourish but in actual fact this is far from the truth. Most schools here at least have hardly any or NO free play while in the class room and limited outdoor play and everything else they learn is dictated to them with themes and guidelines. Even in arts and crafts they aren’t just able to do free range projects but rather have topics and so forth and this would be okay if they had a balance of some structure and some free range learning but they seldom do. They rely on bells curves of normality and concentrate on standardised testing and measuring where kids are at. As you can tell I am very uninspired and not confident at all that our education system is shaping inventive, creative, curious , compassionate, community minded individuals because these attributes are already inherently found in our children. It’s the very structured ‘do as I say , because I’m an adult and know better than you ‘ school system that actually wears these innate attributes down.
Hi Stephanie,
Have your child’s teachers been understanding? As a teacher, my team has always sent homework packets that have a due date of a week later, and include “must do” activities and “can do” (some families actually request MORE work sent home). We do this in hopes to provide options of when and how much, and also recommend not spending more than 10 mins. per grade level starting at Kinder (1st= 20 min. max, 2nd= 30, etc). The last thing we want is our students to start despising schoolwork or school, especially at an early age. So do not feel guilty, and feel comfortable talking with your child’s teacher, as they are hopefully understanding, and wouldn’t want you to put all this stress on yourself!
Totally disagree! Homework habits start to form when you’re young. I remember coming home, changing clothes, doing homework first, then being allowed to play. I now have two masters degreees, earn a wonderful living, have a fantastic family, and wouldn’t change any of it. Perhaps you should look at if you’re doing this for your child’s best interest or because you’re too tired!
You have no idea how homework has changed. You are wrong wrong wrong. Your anecdote is not greater proof than research which shows how ineffective homework (other than reading for enjoyment) is.
I’v been saying this for years. The only thing home lessons teach successfully is to” hate school,”
usually accomplished by 3rd grade. When babysitting grand children,I refused to make them do their home lessons.
Stephanie, your post is so refreshing. As a middle school teacher, I used to find myself pressured to give homework. Our parents seemed to expect loads of it. However, my teaching partner and I refuse to give our students “busywork” for homework. In fact, we rarely give homework at all. Interestingly, we have not once heard a complaint from our parents. Instead, our students are more active after school, they read more, and they spend more time with their families. We couldn’t be happier.
Doing homework is not a problem-it is a must if you want to learn anything-long school hours are the problem.If your child is spending 7/8 hours in school you’d expect them to finish everything there-learning/revising but when you get the grades at the end of the term it does not look like that is the case.Children here start too early and are not taught age appropriate lessons.All of their homework they should be able to finish on their own yet they can’t.My son was working on Shakespeare age 9-bloody joke when his brain and most of boys brains at that age is in the shape of football.He brings home maths homework that they did not cover in school.This whole system is damaging kids big time.