This is a Finish the Sentence Friday Post.
I thought I was so cool when I told everyone how easy it was to potty-train my oldest daughter.
And it was- for the most part.
Sure, we had our public pooping incident, which just so happened to be my most embarrassing and disgusting parenting moment to date. But for the most part, it was smooth sailing. One day, when Izzy was 2 years and 3 months old, she peed in her little potty. And she just kept doing it from that moment on. Of course we had accidents, but potty training was nowhere near as hellish as I had imagined. We didn’t need a sticker chart, or M&M bribes, or a weekend of running around naked and covering the carpet with urine tracks. (If you think I’m bragging, notice I didn’t mention our horrifying bedtime struggles, or the Toddler Bed Standoff of 2008.)
Anyway, I hadn’t put much thought into potty training my youngest daughter, as she is just a year and a half. Perhaps you’ll recall her brief foray into pooping in the potty when she was about 16 months. She started telling me when she needed to poop, I’d plop her on the toilet and she’d poop in it. Who knew? She did that for about two or three weeks, and then stopped. No matter, I hadn’t really been prepared to go there just yet. I let it go and dismissed it as another fleeting stage of toddlerhood.
Then she started peeing in the toilet at daycare. Like, 5 or 6 times a day. Huh. Teresa informed me of her plan to put Sophie in underwear the following week, and then one day, Sophie insisted she begin wearing the underwear right away. She even came home carrying her own pair. Okay, I thought, we can try this.
This is the note we got when we picked Sophie up at daycare. Awesome, no?
Teresa made it clear that there was no expectation that we go forward with potty-training at home. She let me know that many kids, especially ones as young as Sophie, may use the toilet at their childcare center but not at home. It was basically a no-pressure situation, and I felt fortunate that Teresa was going to be tackling the dirty work of potty-training.
But Sophie was so excited about her underwear that we went ahead and put them on her the following afternoon after nap. About five minutes later, I was seated at the computer while my husband heated up leftovers. I sniffed the air. For a minute, I was concerned that I might be pregnant, as the smell of the pulled pork was utterly nauseating. “What’s that smell?” I complained, as Sophie toddled over to me and climbed into my lap. “Seriously, why does that food smell so bad?”
Shawn wondered over into the adjacent living room where Sophie had been playing. “Um, I think this just fell out the side of Sophie’s big-kid undies,” he announced, pointing at a small turd lying on the carpet.
True to my Mother of the Year status, I sputtered, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Disgusted, I realized that Sophie and her shitlet-filled undies, was still happily perched on my lap. She’d been in her training underwear for all of five minutes and had already crapped her pants. And then it all came flooding back to me. How not fun potty training is.
Notice how her shirt is tucked into them so they won’t fall off? Also, this photo was taken approximately 45 seconds prior to her urinating in said undies.
I had sugar-coated my memories of Izzy’s first toilet adventures, and all of a sudden I remembered the things I hated about it. How much I loathed squatting on the floor, stretching taut the legholes of her Dora underwear, while she teetered from side to side, bashing into me with her bony elbows. I’m gritting my teeth just remembering all the public restroom tile floors I have been intimate with.
I have a vivid sensory imprint of cupping my hand over my then-two-year-old daughter’s backside, only to discover a clump of turds suspended in her thin cotton underwear. The sensation was reminiscent of a handful of marbles dangling in a balloon.
And here we go again. The wet training pants. The pull-up legholes. The bathroom floors. The cluster-of-grapes-like-poop-filled big girl undies.
I was hoping for six more months of dignity and a decreased need for chiropractic services, but to no avail. Teresa, if you’re reading this, I’m just kidding. Mostly.
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Next week’s sentence is: “I am very passionate about…”
That is awesome. “Why does that food smell so bad?” Hahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh.
Been there and done that will two in less then two years. God help me and just thanking god for the most part it is behind me now and if there ever was a reason not to have another this would be it. Truly felt and smelt your pain on this post!!
Felt and smelt your pain- HA!
Holy CRAP it is too funny that your husband just looked at the droppings rather than cleaning it up!
😉 To his credit, he did pick it after I was done freaking out about it!
Sooooo, when does the “I want to wipe myself but I can’t do it very well” phase end? I’m starting to forget about the early potty training days but I’m still stuck in the “Is that a poop smear on the wall?” phase.
I feel your pain. Oh, I feel your pain.
I had my hand in my mouth to stifle my laughter so I wouldn’t wake my husband. LOLOLOLOL!
We are back to square one with my FOUR(!!!) year old. She was pooping on the potty for two or three months and started peeing in there too, especially in public. Now? Everything in the Pull-up and she throws a fit when we ask her to use the toilet. Gah! So frustrating. Nothing is working. I didn’t want to have to buy more wipes, but I guess I don’t have a choice.
Ahh see these moments I am so grateful for having boys. We just taught them to pee outside and made peeing in the potty a game of aim.. the rest just followed.
Hey, just get started on potty training, then it will be over sooner! Love you!
Ugh. I am so not looking forward to this. I have a fear of public bathrooms. I avoid them at all costs. So the idea of having to put my child ON ONE while she likely touches the seat makes me throw up in my mouth a little. She just turned 2, and I’m thrilled she hasn’t shown an interest. Yet. 😉
I thought of you this morning when my daughter was sprawled flat on the bathroom floor peeking under the stall. So. Gross.
Too funny–I didn’t even think of the public restroom challenge, ugh! GOod luck!
Thanks…and I know- ew!
I prefer to block out all of the potty training that’s gone on in our family. So much gross in so little time. Good luck, whenever you take the plunge!
Oh holy shit (no pun intended) is that funny!! She was on your lap with her foulness in her pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to submit some of your hilarity to my Oversharing series, PLEASE!!!!
Oh yes, can I??? I would love to!
This is hilarious! My daughter (now 5) didn’t potty train until nearly 3.5 years old and of course she was into it RIGHT after I gave birth to my son, so I was holding a newborn and wiping her butt in the bathroom. It was awesome, ha! But the good thing about late potty training, for us anyhow, was very few accidents. It’s like we did diapers forEVER and then finally underwear, and that was it. However, for my son I feel a bit clueless !! about BOY potty training, which I think must be different, ha. I’m also in no rush.
-Dana
I think that is a definite advantage of waiting! I can’t imagine the butt wiping and newborn holding- you are a hero! 🙂
I was laughing, because I can totally identify with the opening statement and the disappointment that followed. I can’t remember the exact age Ben started using the potty but I know that he was using it at two. And I, too, thought, is that what all the fuss is about?? That is until he started using it for pee only. It took over a year until he fully embraced the potty. I agree potty training = not fun.
I absolutely love that you originally thought it was the food that smelled bad. And that you were mother of the year with “are you f#cking kidding me” – HA. And yeah, been there with turds on the floor and the hubs waiting for me to pick it up.
This made me laugh out loud, but I’m glad I wasn’t eating while I read it! I must say I am very glad not to be in your shoes – good luck!
Ewwwah and LOL!!!! I don’t eat pulled pork but I think the next time I smell it, I may be even MORE turned off. Thanks for sharing your storing. I have potty training nightmares too.
“Um, I think this just fell out the side of Sophie’s big-kid undies,” he announced, pointing at a small turd lying on the carpet.”
(At first, as I read the beginning of your Post, I began to despair, ‘damn! how quick can I get a small human into the our house?’ I demanded to anyone in earshot. Phyllis looked up briefly and went back to working on her laptop. Clearly *she* was not going to help me with my FTSF commentationing.)
Then I got to the quote above, and I smiled, ‘alright, here is something that I can relate to’.*
Though, in all candor, the line, ““Are you fucking kidding me?” totally generated a lol here at home.
*to the extent that indicating the location of the ‘aftermarket food units’ strikes me as reasonable and sufficient to the situation. I mean, Paul Revere did not grab a British soldier to put on his horse for the ride, right? It was sufficient to let the people know what had happened.
Oh I feel your pain…my boys were all so NOT easy to potty train. One of them used to poop in the potty at home but then without fail, as soon as we’d go out somewhere, usually in a store that did not have an easily accessible bathroom, he’d poop in his underwear. And it was always a ridiculously large load. Sorry to be so graphic, but it drove me nuts! I let the f-word fly on many occasions! Hang in there…it will all be a distant memory before you know it.
I did this too. I pottytrained all my kids too early…then had to stop and start over. Must be that over-achieving Mom thing! LOL
Wow… too funny!! I completely understand this… My older son was SOOOOOO easy to potty train. One day, he walked out to my then boyfriend (who is now my husband) at 3yrs old and said potty. Ray walked into the bathroom with him and he peed in the potty. Period, it was done after that.
Bringing a toddler to a public loo is so scary, I can imagine! Thanks for sharing, Stephanie!
Gosh! what an experience! I’m rather thankful I never had this stage in my life experiences! I did bring up a little boy (my now almost 50 years old god-son) but he was all potty trained by the time I took him over copmpletely! During his first crucial years viz potty training, his Mom and I shared him, so she did most of the work, I just saw to his education! And the little girl I now live with, the daughter of said god-son, was also trained by her Mom. Again, my duties are all about the schooling! And buying flower adornments for her hair! That match her clothes, if you please! Cheers on your on-going adventures!
As you know, I have 4 kids and potty training sucked big fat hairy ones every time I’ve had to do it. It never gets easier, they all shat their pants many times and I found each of them to be anything but easy to potty train … oh wait, I still have one to go. He’s just turned 2, it’s not even on my radar yet … xx